


Steel and Shadow

by MiaCousland



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adamant Fortress, Adoribull - Freeform, Angst, Baby Hawke, Bears, Belly Rubs, Birth, Breastfeeding, Corypheus - Freeform, Crestwood, Cuteness overload, Daddy Fenris, Declarations Of Love, Diary/Journal, Difficult Decisions, Dragons, Drinking, Emotional, F/M, Feelings, First Time, First cuddles, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Frostbacks, Goodbyes, Happy Sex, Hugs, Inquisition, Intrigue, Judgement, Justice, Labour, Late Night Conversations, Loss, Love, Lullabies, Madness, Making Love, Massage, Midwives, Morning Sickness, Mummy Hawke, Need, New Starts, Oral Sex, Plot, Possession, Postnatal depression, Postnatal pyschosis, Potential miscarriage, Pregnancy, Pregnant Hawke, Pregnant Sex, Pressure, Protectiveness, Revelations, Romance, Sacrifice, Secret Letters, Secrets, Sex, Sex on Furniture, Skyhold, Slow Build, Smut, Stress Relief, Suicidal Thoughts, Tevene, Tevene lullaby, The Fade, Trek through the mountains, Wall Sex, Western Approach, Wicked Grace, Woman on Top, blame, first kicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-14 00:36:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 48
Words: 141,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3402008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaCousland/pseuds/MiaCousland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke has to find her way through the Frostback Mountains to answer a letter that has been sent by an old friend from Kirkwall.</p><p>She arrives at last, but what do the Inquisition make of her?  She who set Corypheus free.  Determined to set things right, she throws herself into the madness engulfing Skyhold.  However, at the same time, she has to deal with impending motherhood and all the trials that brings.</p><p>*Latest - 27th December 2015*<br/>I've finally finished! Thanks for reading and let me know what you think. Xxx</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_I stood on the rocky outcrop and stared up at the stone farmhouse.  The biting wind whistled down from the foothills and if I lifted my eyes I could see the first flakes of snow, softly announcing the weather for that night.  Even before the winds had told me to, I had been trying to herd my sheep to lower ground.  It was safer, much safer in the thick folds of the woods.  Yes, the air would be as biting but the snow would be less ... mortal._

_There was something there.  Something real.  I know I had seen it.  The faint glow of something orange from the broken window had caught my eye as I had tried to guide the flock down the track.  But now it was gone.  It was a fallen place with no windows and a lintel that had collapsed.  Thick, strong slates kept the semblance of a roof but holes told tales of a desertion long ago.  No-one had lived there for years._

_Except tonight._

_I crouched down and waited.  Maybe whoever was in there would move eventually.  This was my master's lands and he would want to know if there were bandits about.  He would need to know how many and what threat they posed.  I needed to investigate.  Unsheathing the stout blade I kept for fending off wolves, and feeling completely unprepared, I threw one last glance to the sheep that had been coralled into a dip in the hills, away from the worst of the winds and weather, and moved forwards.  I knew there was something.  Somebody was there._

_As I drew nearer, I could even smell the smoke of a freshly extinguished fire.  I knew it!  The only sounds I could hear were the harsh moans of the air moving down from the mountains.  We were in the foothills of the Frostbacks.  Storms frequently burst upon the unsuspecting and were heralded by strong and screaming winds.  Gravel crunched under my feet as I inched forward.  I was getting nearer now.  Near enough to know that the small building meant for a shepherd like me, possibly with only the one room, was inhabited._

_"Come out." I cried, trying desperately to avoid sounding as nervous as I felt.  "I will not hurt you."_

_Nothing._

_"The soldiers from the outpost will be arriving soon.  If you come out now, I will tell them you came willingly." I lied._

_Still silence._

_Slowly I moved forward.  I could just see the back of the room from where I stood.  It was in shadow but the dying light from the afternoon sun scattered the wall.  A crunch from within!  Someone, something, was moving!  I took a deep breath to calm the rapid beatings of my heart._

_"Come out, I tell you!"_

_My voice broke as the hidden spirits moved within.  In my panicked state my mind would only tell me that demons were pouring forth within the room beyond._ _From the shadows, I first saw a boot.  Black, thin legs followed it and I looked up to see a man staring at me with utter hatred.  Time slowed down as I tried to remember anything before fear called me.  His face stayed mostly in the shadows.  I could not see anything else; no markings, no clothing, nothing.  He would not come out into the light.  He would not be seen and that told me something; he was recognisable._

 _"Run." he growled._  
_"No." I cried bravely.  "You're on Ser Dellian's lands.  By his rights, I order you to remove yourself forthwith."_

_And that's when I truly knew what fear was.  Flickers of blue light limned the outline of his body. Set against the backdrop of shadows, it was truly cursed. They tapered up and down his skin, writhing around his body like he had been locked in demonic chains.  A voice burning with malice called to me from the inhuman shadows.  Shadows I was now sure were windows into the Veil.  "I warned you to run."_

_With a blur, he moved several paces with the rapidity of a hunter._

_"Stop!" a second, female, voice called from within the small stone house.  Instantly the predator ceased, coiled and ready to pounce.  Whoever was inside had power over this animal.  And that scared me more than the killer that run towards me._

_My eyes flickered to movement from behind the beast.  A human moved with the grace and measured calmness of one used to studying their prey.  This was not an out-and-out warrior, but a refined and deliberate killer.  Slowly, ever so slowly, they emerged from within, out of the shadows.  They moved with the beauty and measured gait of a steel butterfly, against the devastating and leashed power of the caged tiger who stood ready to kill me.  I was only a lowly shepherd; I should not have to deal with this.  Wolves were all I needed to kill.  Those and the occasional robber.  Not death and it's mistress.  My heart pounded against my chest as my mouth ran dry.  Who was it that stood against me?_

_The second incumbent now stood clear of the deadly statue.  It was a woman; thin, with cropped black hair and impossible beautiful.  She stood and stared at me, a smile breaking the tension of the moment._

_"My friend and I need shelter for the night.  May we stay here?" she asked.  Why was she asking me?  "Forgive our brutishness but we have fought our way over the mountains.  We did not know if you were truly part of a larger group.  Are you?"_  
_"Am I what?"_  
_"Alone?" she smiled again.  A smile edged in silver and steel; one not to be ignored and not underestimated either._

_I looked to the bound executioner who had frozen under his mistress' spell.  Still studying me with the glare of a mountain lion, and the intent to kill too.  Bringing my gaze away from his, and back to the woman's, my face fell to the floor when she stared at me.  I was pinned under her bewitching and deadly eyes._

_"Yes."_  
_"You are a shepherd?" she asked in a tone that dared me not to answer truthfully._  
_"Yes."_  
_"And this is your master's hut?"_  
_"Yes."_  
_"What is your name?"_  
_"Garren.  Garren Yulias, of Rognac."_  
_"Is that far from here?"_  
_"Yes.  I have a small cabin in the woods at the feet of these hills.  This is an old hut for when hunters prowled these lands.  But the town itself is several miles away."_  
_"Well, Garren, we need a place to stay for the night before we move on.  We need to do this secretly.  Now, you are a good man, I can see this quite plainly.  Why else would you have approached danger but to serve a master?"_  
_"I am." I nodded, honour and pride stoking a fire within me that she had noticed._  
_"We are ghosts in these lands, Garren, and must remain so.  No-one can know we are here.  And I mean no-one."_

_The last words bit into the air with a deadly pledge.  I swallowed against a dry mouth.  Fear had robbed my throat and parched it.  I nodded.  My eyes flashed to the man in black who was locked in controlled rage.  He held my eyes with a promise; a dark promise that should I ever betray them, he would hunt me down.  It was wordlessly said and silently vowed._

_"You may stay here.  You need not fear discovery from me." I whispered._  
_"Thank you." said the woman, a steely gaze softening for the briefest of moments._  
_The statue, however, growled.  "Leave us.  Now."_

_With that instruction pounding through my ears, more from malice than volume, I turned on my heels.  As I walked down the path leading to where my flock waited, I tried to sheathe my poor blade.  Trembling took my dexterity and I slunk onto a rock, my sword collapsing onto the soft grass beside me.  I was used to fending off wolves and mountain beasts, but these two?  They had pierced my bravado so completely that it took me a while before I could stand again.  The sheep seemed to move a little quicker towards the haven of the little corral in the woods.  Maybe they sensed it as well, sensed the ruin they were escaping from.  Please Maker, I thought as I drove them down the hill._

_Let the two have passed from my life, forever._


	2. Chapter 2

Fenris managed to get the fire restarted with relative ease.  The bare stone walls of the simple lodge flickered into life; first dull grey, then silver, and then blossoming into warm gold and orange.  In the dying light of the day we had managed to find tree branches covered in enough leaves to prop up against the windows.  After the unfortunate events with the shepherd, we could not risk being seen again, but we also could not survive without a fire.  The small firepit we had made with rocks sat nicely under one of the holes in the roof; a hole through which flakes of snow were drifting in, only to disappear in the warm air rising to greet it.  From the trees in the woods around us, we had gathered a small pile of logs that would see us through the night.  The warmth was enough for us.  Since receiving Varric's letter through various agents, we knew that we were in for a long trek into the mountains.  Accordingly we had been provided with what we needed.

The two of us rarely stayed long in any one place.  We couldn't.  Diarsmuid held us for a time but even that finished.  Helping those in the Circles around Thedas became almost a calling for us, much to Fenris' chagrin.  He hated the mages but they were slaves to the Templars in his eyes, and that he would not stand.  An arrangement was made between us that we would help those oppressed; I helping him fight slavers and he aiding me in my fight for the mages.  We had found a home and started to build a life on the outskirts of the city.  Fenris was even starting to be content, I believe, but that had all come crashing to a halt just over a year ago.  The bloody politics sweeping across Thedas had caught up with Rivain and the Templars enacted the Rite of Annulment.  We stayed as long as we could, getting mages out and fighting in our own way but the Chantry sent Knight Commander Memrathas in to quell the unrest.  There started weeks of bloody slaughter.  The nights were filled with the screams of those being purged and steel fell on steel with hatred fuelled intensity.  Mages slew Templars in their fight to get their families away but more fell than escaped.  We were saved by our network of friends.  I could not leave those I had come to love and in the end, Fenris had picked me up and carried me to the docks where our boat awaited.  From there we sailed out into the Rialto Bay.  I could still see the flames of fighting breaking out among the city as we flew away over the waters.  Tears fell down my face in waves as I saw the madness we had witnessed in Kirkwall now invade Rivain. We stopped in Llomeryn while we planned our next move.  There was always someone in every city we could turn to; in this case, a wonderful baker named Frederick had been our contact.  His cellar became our home for those weeks it took to get transport out of Rivain and away.  

That's where the first of Varric's letters found us.  After four years, he had finally sent word.  He had been interrogated months before by a Seeker who was looking for me.  

_... Look after yourself, Killer.  These people mean business ..._

Then, just a few months ago, a second letter found us.  One that I gazed at even now.  Sat near the fire, with my blanket around my shoulders, I stared through the words and imagined what in Thedas he must be after.

"Does he even now what he asks?" called a voice from the doorway, echoing my own thoughts.  
"I doubt it." I smiled, looking up at the thin elf.  
"The boy could not spare much but he gave us some bread and some dried meat." Fenris apologised, evidently annoyed.  "It will have to do, I'm afraid."  
"Amata, it will be a feast compared to how we have eaten recently.  Come, sit down by the fire.  Warm yourself."

After making sure the covering branches that formed our door were in place as much as he could, he trod over the fallen shards of building that littered the floor with dust and gravel.  I had managed to clear a patch of most of the rubble where we could sit and rest.  He retrieved his travelling blanket from his pack and came to sit next to me against the wall.  

"So, you didn't eat the poor lad then?"  
"No, but he did start crying when he saw me at the door." he told me plainly as he handed me bread.  
"Fenris, no!" I burst out laughing.  The boy had looked close to fainting when he had approached the small hut and seen us, even more so when he saw my elf for what he really was, or what his tattoos could do.  I could only imagine the trouble his heart would have experienced when he saw Fenris' face again.  I had offered to go instead but he had been insistent that I stay behind and rest.  "You need to keep your strength more than I do, my love." and off he had vanished.  Without even letting me have the chance to convince him.

After a brief meal, supplemented by melted water, we lay down to try and sleep.  The snow was still falling in through the holes in the roof, a little stronger now, and the gales coming down from the mountains whistled and howled a melody that did not sooth or sing us to sleep.  Fenris insisted I sleep nearest to the fire.  As we lay down, he pulled his blankets over both of us and held me tight.  After four years together, we fitted around each other even when asleep.  I felt safe with him at my back and his arm wrapped protectively around me.

"I still don't know why I follow you, Hawke." he murmured into my ear.  The same words every night from his gruff mouth, but always with the threat of a smile breaking through.  
"Because I said that I'd take you to stranger places." All I could hear in response was a soft snort.  
"I love you, Anna." he said and hugged me.

Contented, I fell asleep warm and safe in his arms.

 

* * *

 

With a rough boot, I shoved the trees out of the way of our door and surveyed the wilderness.  Snow hadn't just fallen in a uniform blanket everywhere but had fallen in great swathes of white and diamond.  The light was blinding when we emerged slowly from the shack.  Blinking quickly, I tried to look but had to retreat inside instead to give my eyes time to adjust.  Fenris was already out of the door and looking for signs of any danger.  His black clothes stood out in stark contrast to the white snow and he moved swiftly to a nearby copse of trees.  The snow lay undisturbed around his feet and when I eventually came out, he had to call gently to me for me to find him.  The morning was not cold, despite being surrounded by a white sea of snow, but it was crisp and delicious to be a part of.  After the sweltering heat of Rivain, and the oppressive air of Kirkwall, the clean air that I inhaled invigorated me.

"The map said to follow the trail along the side of this run of hills.  It is ten miles away but a straight path.  Are you sure you feel up to it?" he asked directly, but kindly.  I nodded and flashed him a look of annoyance.  Ten miles was nothing to what we had travelled over the past few years.  Pulling my scarf tighter around my head, more to avoid being recognised by any wandering travellers than to stave off the cold, I set off along the dip in the snow that would have been the track.

It sloped gently down hill at first, skirting the sides of the hills and occasionally rising up on to the peaks of them.  The track led us along the side of the valley and afforded us the most wonderful views.  Stubborn pine trees thrust up through the drifts of snow to prove their dominance over the weather.  The road occasionally allowed us a view over the canopy and across the valley floor, but this too was mostly covered in trees.  It was not a wide valley by any means but here and there we saw farmsteads cut out of the forest, smoke rising from the houses of the people who worked the land.  We stopped often to rest for a few minutes.  The deep snow was making the going hard but both Fenris and I could cope, despite his protestations that we find shelter for the night.  We walked in silence for most of the way and conserved our energy for cutting our way through the banks of white powder that littered our way.

The small outpost of Rognac was our destination.  It sat at the base of the path up the Frostbacks, on the Orlesian side, that would take us all the way to our destination.  It was reputedly only a small town of several hundred but it was the base point from which we would start our trek up through the mountains.  We could restock there and rest before such a journey could be undertaken.

The sun was setting when we saw a cart travelling along a road that, glancing ahead, would be joining our track.  In fact, there was a horseman several yards ahead travelling towards what looked to be a lookout tower.  It sat on the brink of a hill and the track dropped blindly down the slope behind it.  We would have to go past it. 

"Hmmm.  This is dangerous." a voice full of concern rumbled in Fenris' chest.  
"Not so much.  That is an Inquisition banner hanging from the cab.  We will be allowed to pass through, I think."  
"I don't like this.  It is a foolish plan."  
"Fenris, what choice do we have?  Varric's letter said we must come.  He has not let us down before and we owe him.   _I_ owe him, my life in fact. And our future."  
"You leave me no option." His eyes were hard as he looked at me.  
"You said you'd follow me." I prompted, lifting a hand to let my fingers drag softly against his face.  Without thinking, his eyes drifted a  little at their touch and he bent his head to them.  He said nothing but pulled his cloak further around him and his scarf higher over his face, glaring down the road towards the tower.  After years on the run from Danarius, staying off the beaten path and avoiding danger was second nature to him.  It was only me, he had admitted, that had kept him in Kirkwall and persuaded him to settle.  "Trust me, Fenris."  
"Always."

We walked for almost fifteen minutes before nearing the outpost.  We weren't stopped but those on top and underneath stared at us.  Fenris had pulled his clothes over the markings on his face and as such almost caused them alarm.  However the inclement weather and the environment made them a little more understanding about the tight clothing we wore.  The guard captain nodded us through and we crested the rise.  The road turned to follow the mountains almost as if we had veered round a sharp corner.  The town was obvious now.  The sheer rock face of the colossal granite rose for a long while before falling in a deep ravine and swiftly ascending again the other side, almost as if a dwarven god has swung a mighty axe from the heavens and cleaved the granite facade in two.  Rognac was seated at the nadir of this valley, guarding the pass up into the mountains.  A wide path through the forest had been cut to provide access from the valley floor and it ran up to greet Rognac before surging up through the Frostbacks.  It looked to be a stout town with many buildings that looked well appointed.  Snow had obviously been falling as it coated each and every roof in the place but all over chimneys vented hot air and we hoped from these signs that there would be a warm refuge somewhere for us.

In the end, there was a tavern that would take us, or our money, and we dropped our bags on the floor of our sparse room, so very glad to be out of the cold wind.  The window showed us that the snow was starting again but we shut the curtains and ignored it.  The fireplace held a meagre blaze and the bed had seen better days.  However, the Winter Palace at Halamshiral could hardly have seemed more opulent at that moment.  We had a bed and a locked door, a knock at which even brought us a meal and a bottle of wine.  The meagre table held our banquet and we ate heartily.  We both shunned the wine as we knew we would need our senses to burn brightest here.  Eyes still watched us and we could feel it as we had tried to find shelter for the night.  Dark eyes watched from dark shadows.

After we had finished the game pie that had been brought to us, I sat back on my chair and felt the aches of the long journey start to invade my neck and back.  Now we were out of the elements, I had started to relax and my body was punishing me for it.  Stretching it wasn't working and Fenris could see I was starting to stiffen up.

"Come.  Lay on the bed." he gently prompted.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I tried to take my boots off but a sudden cramp in my calf caused me to cry out in pain.  My constant lover knelt down and gently unlaced them, before pulling them off and depositing the boots under the bedstead.  He held the foot of the leg that had cramped and delicately bent it forward, stretching the muscle that was cramping.  I knew what he was doing but it still didn't stop me cursing him.  Gradually it abated and he persuaded me to lay face down on the bed.  He fetched a warming ointment from our bags and returned.  I had pulled my clothes off and dropped them where I could.  Exhaustion was taking me and the pain of my body was making me feel queasy.  Without a sound, I felt those wonderfully supple hands of his start to massage my back.  The balm was rubbed into my neck and back and lit up my muscles with a softeningly warm glow.  The heat radiated around my muscles and I could feel them start to unwind.  Over and over, Fenris rubbed the care away from me and I drifted deeper and deeper into the pillow.

The fire held a dull glow from the subdued wood when I next groggily opened my eyes.  The room was silent apart from the soft breathing of the warm body laying under the blankets next to me.  I was laying curled upand snuggled into his chest and yet again, he lay with his arm draped across me.  Glancing up carefully and desperate not to wake him, I saw he slept with a relaxed smile.  This was a man who would gladly have ripped mages limb from corpse while we had been in Kirkwall and I knew he would happily gut those who even thought about attacking me.  But here, in this bed, he was happy.

And that made it all worth it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Hawke falls asleep in his arms, she dreams of the first time Fenris slept in hers.

_Command me to go and I shall ..._

I could not have done that, Fenris.  No matter how you asked, or demanded.  I could not have sent you away.  The flickers of the dream still haunted me and I begged my mind to return to them.  The way he looked at me when he first glanced my way that night; tempestuous passions barely even contained, and all in one look.  

One flash of those dark and brooding eyes was all it took to make me want to hold him forever.  I could scarcely keep my hands from reaching out to take him at once.  Fenris could barely keep his eyes held with mine.  Conflict and torment rode over everything he could think of and I longed to soothe him, to take away some of that agony, but he wouldn't let me.  Pacing up and down seemed to exacerbate him but something finally snapped.  He reached out and pulled me towards him, finally kissing me with such passion that I couldn't begin to understand what was happening.  

I knew only that I wanted it.  So badly.

As he pressed his mouth to mine, wanting, hoping, we seemed to connect.  My heart raced as I felt his tongue on mine, his lips devouring mine.  It was how I'd dreamed a kiss from him would be; heart-rending, knee-weakening passion.  I could feel all kinds of lust snaking through my body as my mind turned to focus on only one thing; being with him.  I'd turned him around and pressed him up against the wall.  I remember thinking, with a slight giggle now, that it was the last time I had been in command.  

Moments after I had pressed him against the wall, he had drawn back and with a deep growl, pulled my hand quickly towards the bed.  I would love to say that my clothes had survived the encounter but Fenris ripped them from me in an effort to consume me.  He had sat me down on the edge of the bed, barely clothed, and as he stood over me, slowly he removed his clothes whilst keeping his eyes firmly fixed on mine.  The way he stood, so close by, wouldn't have let me get up, wouldn't have let me stand.  His control was intense, as was his gaze, and when he had removed his clothes, he pushed me back.  Kneeling over me, he took one finger, covered in those armoured gloves, and ran it from my cheek down my neck and between my breasts.  The sharp point scraped my skin and made my nipples harden, despite the warmth from the fireplace.  It was then that he removed his gloves and dropped them contemptuously on the floor.  He leant over me, lifting my hands over my head and pinning them down.  He kissed me once again, full of love and full of desire, but also full of warning; he was in control.

He made me crawl up the bed then to lay down on the pillows, watching me and studying that I had obeyed him.  My mind dissolved and I let myself be carried away with it.  After I lay down, he undressed fully and I finally got to see him - my elf, _my_ Fenris - in his naked glory.  Lean and supple, and rippling with charged passion, he was slender, not broad, but that made him no less powerful.  The lyrium veins traced and skirted around his form and much as I tried, I could not keep my eyes from them.  His fingers flexed and his nostrils flared as he knew I was looking at them.  Not for the fact that he was naked, but he was giving me that opportunity to see that most vulnerable part of him - the evidence of him being a slave.  This was him being raw; not the fighter but the man who had suffered at the hands of evil, _evil_ people.  I didn't look further down his body, I didn't need to.  I didn't need to study what I was going to enjoy, that would have diminished what he was showing me now.

When he had had enough of me looking as he could stand, his lips pressed into an angry line and he moved up to lay on top of me again.  His kisses pressed me deep into the pillow, biting my lower lip and scraping it slightly.  Never too hard but with enough teeth to know he was in charge.  I ran my hands over his body, warm and hard and muscular.  He left no space in between us as he pressed himself up against my bare body, clothed only in undergarments.  My fingers tried to trace the lyrium markings on his skin but he growled and shrugged off my hands, faint lines of blue glowing in the darkness of the room.  Instead, he took them and pinned them to the bed.

"You do not get to touch those until I say." his deep voice warned, the tattoos fading back into nothing.

I nodded mutely and brought my hands up to his face, dragging his head back towards mine.  I kissed him deeply and he responded with a moan into my mouth.  As much as I could, I poured my soul into that kiss, willing him to know how much he meant to me.

"Remove the rest of your clothes." he ordered.

With a wriggle, I managed to unhook my bra and discarded it on the floor.  His fingers grasped the sides of my underpants and pulled them so slowly down, past my hips, past my knees and finally over my toes.  I lay naked before him as he moved back up the bed to kneel over me.  Glancing up at his firey looks, all of a sudden I saw a self-doubt briefly cloud his eyes.

"Anna, I ... " he whispered.  
"Fenris?"

The moment stretched out before him and a thousand words broke through my mind.  I wanted to say all those things I was feeling for him, wanted to comfort and encourage him, but before I could choose any of them, his mouth was pressing against mine again with a renewed surge.  Faster and faster the kisses came and before I could react, he was on his back and I was laying atop him.  His hands, so warm and invading, ran over my back, trailing shivers in their wake, before returning to my breasts.  I had always been proud of my body and my breasts.  They hung over his chest and I could feel them aching for him,  _yearning,_ to be touched.  I held myself up as he ran his thumbs over them, his fingernails scraping the nipple and causing me to gasp.  Again he did it and then pinched them, sweet pain making me bite my lip and close my eyes.  Palms squeezed and massaged my breasts without asking.  

"Move further up." he ordered as his hands pushed me further up.

My breasts hung over his mouth and he bit the nipple and the soft flesh around them.  Soft snarls of desire rumbled in his throat and I could feel from the pressure against my leg that he was needing to have me soon.  Kisses drove all those thoughts away as he grabbed my head and guided my mouth back to his.  His hands explored and invaded my body, wanting to know me, as they ran up and down my skin.  Untold moments passed as that wonderful mouth pressed back at mine.  Shivers ran down my skin as his fingertips trailed over me, sending darts of pleasure throughout my body.  Heat was building between my legs at every kiss, every touch.  I could kiss this man forever and I hoped beyond hope that he would let me.

Eventually I could feel the tip of his cock pressing at that warm entrance to my body.  His hands grabbed my hips and he pushed up into me.  It felt so natural and so right that I pushed down without thinking, feeling him thrust up into me.  My eyes drifted shut as the moment overtook me.  He fit me perfectly as if we had been designed to be together.  As he moved in and out of me, heat burned from my cheeks and sweat began to form on my back.  The passion and the man, never mind the lust with which we moved together, made the room seem on fire.  He moved with such deliberate actions that he didn't let me move anyway other than at his touch.  He was the one that moved my hips up and down.  He didn't know but pressure was building inside me and slowly, _slowly_ , it was getting too much.  

Panting, breathing, _too much..._

But he stopped me just before it got to where I needed it to.

"Fenris, no." I moaned, snatching at the words that desire put outside my reach.  
"Trust me, love." he whispered, his hot breath on my neck.

 _'Love?_  ' my mind breathed.  _'He loves me?'_

A tear fell down the side of my face as I finally opened my eyes and looked down at him.  He was waiting for me with those dark green eyes but this time they were warm, not angry.  Not full of warning, but open and staring at me.  I tucked hair behind my ears that separated my mouth from his and pressed my soul onto his lips.  I loved him too and needed him to know that.

And soon he started again.  Moving his hips and keeping my body where he needed it.  Slowly at first but then faster, and harder, and much more insistent from him.  His cock moved my body inside, firing heat that slowly built in a crescendo.  I heard him begin to grunt at my ear.  He moved my hips back and forth for me, knowing what he needed and not knowing just how good it was working for me.  The control that I exercised every day on the streets of Kirkwall was out of the window and I relished the chance to have this man make my choices for me.  I couldn't agree more with what he was doing.

He was moving me faster now. Needing, aching, wanting, _yearning_.  Faster and faster before ...

"Oh Maker!   _Oh Maker!_ Yes!!"

My body broke with pleasure and I rode wave after wave of glory.  I only realised that I had stopped moving when I woke up on the pillows untold moments later.  Fenris sat on the edge of the bed and I could see that he gripped the mattress.

"I blacked out?" I asked, worried that it was the reason why he might seem so uncomfortable.  
"Apparently you did." his deep voice said as he turned slightly to me and half-smiled.  
"Fenris ..." I wanted to reach out and touch him, to make sure he was okay.  
"Anna, go back to sleep." he soothed as he lay a warm hand on my thigh.

Knocked out from our exercise, my eyes drooped at his command.  My head felt comfortable on the pillow and my mouth curled up in a smile as I felt fatigue take me.  Kirkwall waited outside the window and the door, along with all my problems - and there were many of them - but for this moment, I took pride in taking something for me.  Fenris loved me, and he and I had shared something incredible.  I knew my dreams would be special tonight.

 

* * *

 

I could feel myself giggling as I woke up in that simple but welcoming bed, back in Rognac and back in Orlais.

"Good morning." I heard a deep voice whisper.

Opening my eyes, I saw the ceiling but I rolled my head to see his green eyes staring at me.  Unable to resist him, I burst out smiling and climbed on top of him.  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I planted a huge kiss on his lips.

"A very good morning!" he smirked as his hands came up to hold my back.  
"I had good dreams." I whispered, my nose resting on his before kissing his lips gently again.  
"I hope I starred in them?" came the wry grin.  
"You always do."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter. I've needed to write it for a loooooong time. He's so hot.


	4. Chapter 4

The merchant sold his trinkets and weapons under a sturdy wooden cover, with a half a foot of snow on top of that.  The poles that held it up look solid enough but the precarious balance and the weight of the snow made me throw a worried glance at them to assess their capability.  I took my cues from the merchant who flapped about behind the table, trying desperately to relieve me of my money.  He seemed wholly unconcerned that at any moment he could be buried and so I relaxed a little.  Never enough to stay fully under the wooden roof though.  

I was holding a dagger that was of above average quality.  The grip had caught my eye and when I picked it up, I noticed with a trained eye and hand that the balance was perfect.  The blade was long and serrated, just right for cutting my way through mountain lions and bear hides.

"You're not having a knife." growled a voice from under the eve of a nearby building.  
"You know, this will quickly become tiresome." I snapped at him, meaner than I should have been.  I was the Champion of Kirkwall and my elf was not going to stop me defending myself.  Maker, I was angry at him!    
"Besides, we have not the coin to buy it."  
"If you are making the trip to Skyhold then I suggest you prepare yourself." the merchant, a little louder to cover Fenris' suggestion that I not spend money.  "Defensively, I mean.  It is two days solid hiking - in normal weather - and it is now tending to snow.  Blizzards can descend on you quickly until you break through the cloud layer."

One flick of my eyes to the canopy again confirmed what he said.

"What is the normal way of getting to the fortress?"  
"The way up into the mountains there is how most people do it." he said, throwing a hand out to the cavernous mountain pass that cut deeply through the wall of granite above us.  "There is a steady stream of people that go up there and the pass is fairly flat and easy enough to walk up.  But stray a little and the way is treacherous.  A simple and narrow entrance surrounded by gaping fissures."  
"Hence why the castle is situated where it is?"  
"Exactly."  
"Are there carts that travel?" Fenris' deep voice asked.  I rolled my eyes.  
"I am perfectly capable of walking up into the mountains, my love!" I almost shouted.

All the answer I received was a narrowing of his eyes before he resumed his watch for the town guard.  They passed by in patrols every now and again but his warnings had allowed us to evade direct looks or questioning.  I was certain the merchant knew that we trying our best to avoid being seen too much but he was far too adamant that I was to part with my cash and walk away with a shiny new blade.

"There are also porters that will take your bags for you, leaving you to just concentrate on the hike."  
"That sounds perfect.  Where do I find them?" Fenris asked quickly, as my mouth dropped open to refute the need for help.  
"They are gathered around the gate at the bottom of the pass."  
"And I just approach them?"  
"No.  You approach their master, Monsieur de Clothilde."

My ears picked up on the word at the same time I heard a depth of silence from Fenris.  It was like thunder had just exploded around us, crackling the air with unspoken vows of rage.  It was a split moment before I joined eyes with him.  I knew what he thinking.  With a sharp snap, he drew his hood nearer his head and strode off towards the gate.

"We're good, thank you." I said quickly to the merchant who was left begrudgingly muttering to himself and throwing horrible looks our way at the loss of a sale.

I walked quickly after Fenris who set a fast pace through the snow.  After five years with the man, we shared the same mentality when it came to slavers.  They needed to be eliminated, and with swift and vengeful justice.  However, there was a whole world of politics in this area of Thedas. We couldn't just barrel into slavers and kill them.

The stall we had been standing by had been on the main wide road that rose swiftly into the mountains.  It was easy to see where to go.  All we had to do was to follow the sloping road upwards to where the mountain pass started.  A wise decision to avoid folly kept our tracks to the sides of the road, and not straight up the middle.  Not even Fenris was that crazed as to approach the Orlesian Lord without first studying his prey.  

We saw at once the group that the merchant had told us about as we stood in the shadows of a large house.  They stood in groups around firepits and looked like miserable slaves we had seen the world over.  Clothed in warm mountaineering furs and boots, they should have been stood laughing as they talked to each other round a fire but they were not.  Conversation was non-existent and as I glanced around hardly any of them looked away from the flames.  In fact, they more huddled than stood, desperately trying to leech body warmth off of each other.  I could tell that Fenris was unsure of how to proceed and as he stood next to me in the shadows, his fingers flexed and his nostrils flared.  Misery drifted over to us as obviously as the cold winds that brought chills down from the mountains.  Slaves were not common in Orlais but these were so obviously chattel, and we had met countless slaves across Thedas. Something needed to be done.

"My love?" I whispered softly.

He was silent as he watched them but his eyes snapped to a small carriage that drew up, pulled along by Orlesian snow ponies.  A door opened on the side away from us but we heard laughter issuing from within.  Eventually we saw the object emitting the deep belly laughs.  A tall and elegant looking gentleman stepped out from behind the carriage and was talking to some of the sargeants in charge.  They looked happy enough.  My eyes danced along the faces of the men waiting wrapped up around the fires.  They looked over with fear that this man was here.  A man who began wandering around the campfires and talking to those he worked for.  Conversation was minimal but he held everyone's eye.  At least he forced them to.

"But ... they are  _slaves_." Fenris whispered, more to himself than anything.  "Why is the Inquisitor letting this happen?" Disappointment flooded him and I felt his pain.   
"She is a fledgling leader, my love.  Orlais is not under their sphere of influence yet."  
"We have to help them." he vowed as he nodded at the men opposite us.  
"We will.  The best way to help the slaves is to help the Inquisition gain power.  Nothing can be done today, not here in so public a place.  Fenris," I whispered as I turned to face him, "we must let this go."  
"No." he spat.  
"Think, Fenris!" I beseeched.  "What can you do here?  In this town?  Right now?  Nothing!  It is madness not to retreat and plan properly."

He trembled under the rage that coursed through him.  I took his hand as I knew he did not see me any more.  His green eyes flashed with rage at the touch but he finally looked away from the helpless desolation opposite him.

"Come, my love." I soothed.  "Come with me."

Silently we marched through the snow, feeling the cold invade our clothes and skin.  Without a word, we entered the tavern and silently climbed the stairs to open the door to our room.  Fenris threw his furred mountain jacket to the other side of the room in anger and sat down immediately on one of the chairs, his fingers interlacing to catch his chin as he leant forward on his elbows.  I pulled my own coat off and laid it on the table.

"Hawke, promise me something." he glowered as he stared past the floor, baring teeth at the thought of the slaver that had been just feet away from him.  
"Anything."  
"Eliminating slavery is your bargaining chip.  You'll help them if they can promise you that." he implored, catching my eye as I walked towards him.  
"Did you ever doubt it?" I walked forward and dropped to a knee in front of him.  I gripped his hand tight as I fought to keep him with me.  "Your cause is my cause, Fenris.  Just as you have vowed you would never leave me, I would never leave you.  This is _our_ fight." His dark green eyes looked up to me, bursting with sorrow and injustice.  Anger burned in me at the abuse these men would be subject to.  Fenris needed to know that this was my fight as well as his. "My darling, I will fight with every fibre for those held by slavers, and not just because you were one, but because it is abhorrent to the Maker.  I will kill him if I get the chance." my voice burned in my throat as I stared up at him.  For a moment, he simply stared back at me,  eyes searching mine.  "Don't doubt me now, Fenris."  
"Never." he said finally, grasping my hand and pulling me up to standing.  

A hand snaked round my back and he pulled me forwards.  I sat astride him and our chests pressed together.  I lay my arms across his shoulders and interlaced my own fingers.

"We are a team, you and I." I said as I bent forward to kiss him.  "We share one common goal.  No person in Thedas will be enslaved whilst we draw breath.  It is what I saw in you and loved you for.  Your desire to see all men free."

A smile started at the corner of his mouth as he stared into my eyes.  The man had always the ability to see into my soul and I wish he could see how completely he owned it. His eyes started to brighten as he allowed himself to see beyond the pain of those individuals to the validity of the solution I had proposed. He softened as he kissed me again. A full, deep, rich, kiss this time.

"I love you." he smiled slowly.  
"I love you too." I told him before I kissed him again. "So very much."

Gazing up at me, I watched him slowly come out of his anger as he realised I was with him, always. A hum, almost a purr, of contentment threaded through his throat.

"What did I do to deserve a wife like you?" he breathed.


	5. Chapter 5

Fenris ran his hands up my back to press me nearer to him. His strong arms held me tightly to him as I draped my arms around his neck. I sat across his lap and I could feel his body heat radiating through his clothes, despite the cold of the room and his usual breastplate. He stared at me with that half, crooked smile of his before pushing forward to catch my mouth with a kiss.

A long, languid, loving kiss.

Maker, my husband had the ability to turn my mind to mush. Still. After all this time of kissing him, holding him, running my hands through his white hair - I could still feel my cheeks burn as I kissed him. Even after seven years since I first kissed him. It was something in the way his lips were warm and soft for me, but hardened into a snarl when he fought. His eyes large and loving now, here, but narrowed and full of rage when fighting. He pressed forward trying to follow my mouth, desperate for my mouth still. When I sat back a little too far, he growled. That edge of danger made him darkly fascinating and so intensely passionate. His hands were still placed firmly on my back and he held me in place. I couldn't sit back too far, just enough to get my breath quickly and go back for more. Before he could resist I pulled my jacket off quickly, still kissing him, and threw it on the ground. Air poured in from around the window that was cold and I shivered. Thankfully the fire still burned in the grate. Cold air to prick my skin but warmth not to make it uncomfortable. Just perfect, and with the heat that Fenris was pouring in as well...

"Anna," he moaned into my mouth before pulling away, "stop."

He casting his eyes to the floor as a look of worry crossed his face.

"My love ..." I whispered. "Please, don't do this."  
"I can't."  
"Fenris, listen to me. This has to stop." I pleaded as I lifted his chin to bring his eyes level with mine. "I love you.  We are man and wife. Please. You can't _not_ make love to me."  
"But what happened in Diarsmuid ..."  
"That was a tragedy but I am not going to _not_ fuck my husband because of something that happened two years ago."  
"I want you so much, Hawke.  I hope you know that ..." he breathed, his chest rising and falling a little more earnestly against mine.  
"No. At the moment, I don't.  And I haven't done for months." I stated quite plainly, still matching his eyes but feeling mine start to mist over.  I needed him, to make me scream and to trust me that everything was going to be all alright.  He could see how much this was hurting me and his eyes burned with shame.  Internal warring raged in him but I watched his green eyes melt a little.  One look was all I needed to know his resolve was weakening. "Trust me," I whispered, "please."  
"I ... just ..."

A kiss stopped him talking.  I couldn't stand it any more.  My fingers held his face still as I crushed my hot mouth to his, desperate to show him what a physical effect he had on me.  His fingers ran up my back whereas mine splayed into his hair, clutching his head to mine, needing to keep him close.  His mouth kissed mine forcefully when suddenly he grabbed my upper arms and stopped us both.  His eyes were focussed, his breathing was elevated; I knew he was with me now.

"If you stay stop, we stop." he demanded.  
"Agreed." I said in a low voice, desire already robbing my voice of strength.

With deliberate grace, buttons were undone.  Slowly the outer layer I had been wearing was undone and the underlayers of thin wool were revealed.  His hands lifted open the thin woollen jacket and he slipped it off my arms, kissing me lovingly as he did so.  His fingertips - still in his armoured gloves - found the bottom of my shirts.  I wore multiple layers to keep out the deathly cold of the mountain air but his hands slipped under all of them and gently he lifted them over my upstretched arms, revealing my bra.  

"Get rid of it." he murmured into my neck, kissing the skin there with his hot lips and making me lose concentration.

I quickly did so, all the while he was kissing that sensitive part of my neck.  Goose prickles rippled over my skin as I felt a draft of icy air against my breasts.  They felt soft and full against the hardness of his armour he wore every day, but the coldness made my nipples tighten and I bit my lip softly.  Fenris noticed and frowned but when I saw that, I pushed into him with another deep kiss.  He responded quickly, lightly scraping the tips of his armoured gloves down my naked back.  My back arched forward and pushed my breasts suddenly up towards him.

"Oh-h..." I gasped as my mouth dropped open slightly.

The sensation was so charged that I felt a rush to my head.  He grinned at me with that knowing smile he reserved for private moments such as these.

"Stand." came the order.

Slowly climbing off him, all the while keeping his eyes held, I stood there only a foot from him.  A draft blew up from the floor where the window was letting in great swathes of cold air.  I shivered slightly.  A myriad of thoughts were going through his head as he watched me stand before him, silently picking off his armour.  The breastplate was unbuckled and discarded carefully onto the floor, which left the pauldrons strapped across that strong chest. 

His green eyes stared at me for the longest time, just long enough to make me start to wonder.  That edge of not knowing was what worked for me and kept the sparks flowing.  After seven years together, I still could not get a total hold on how his mind worked sometimes.  And I liked that.  No, I _loved_ it.  The edges of his mouth rode up, half grin, half snarl.  Danger was building and I started to feel the familiar lust circulate.

"Unbuckle me." he commanded with a flirtatious smile.

I walked forward slowly and my fingers, aching to touch more, found the buckle to his armour.  My cheeks were flushing at the thought that this could finally be happening.  We hadn't made love in months and I ached for him.  My breasts rose and fell with the deep breaths I had to take to steady myself.  I knew he was watching them but he never let on how much he loved them, how much he secretly yearned for them as well.  

Trembling fingers undid the metal buckles and I slowly pulled the pauldrons off of his arm.  First one, then the other, and gently laid them on a nearby table.  I quickly took off my shoes and socks as I felt the excitement building.  My toes danced lightly over the floor as I sauntered back to him, arriving behind the chair and standing gazing at the shock of white hair that I loved so much.  Picturing my fingers running through it.  He stared forward, waiting for me to return.  From behind I found the bottom of the tight undershirt that he always wore and pulled it upwards.  It was slipped over his arms and I hugged it closer to me, drinking in the smell I always loved.  It was his smell; of honour, of the night, of steel, of passion.  I turned to put that on the table as well but he caught one of my hands to pull me in front of him.  In a hurry I dropped it on the floor and went at his bidding.

His torso was now naked.  I stared at his wonderful upper body riddled with lyrium tattooes.  Even now, after the many times I had seen him unclothed, he was still breathtaking in his slender power.  I grimaced even now at his treatment at the hands of his captors, but the slavers could not overcome him and they left an unintentional beauty riddled all over his body, one only enhanced by his victory over them.

Still holding my fingers, he pulled me nearer.  I was stood between his open legs and I gasped as he placed his fingers under the band of my trousers, just on my hips where the skin was sensitive.  My trousers and underpants were slid down my legs and he trailed kisses as far as he could.  Soon enough my feet were out of them and I kicked the clothes away in a loose pile.  I now stood there completely naked in front of my husband.  Without being asked, I slowly spun on the spot.  

"Is this good enough for you, my love?" I smouldered, knowing he would be drinking in my naked and toned form.  

Fenris would never let on and it was often difficult to read him, but I knew.  When I turned around, I could see by the look in his eyes that he was enjoying it.  It took my trained eye but he did, and that intimacy was vital to me.  No-one else could read him as I did.  A finger, gloved in that pointed metal, was placed ominously next to my throat.  My breath hitched in me as I wondered what he would do but slowly, ever so slowly, it was brought down my skin.  It dragged and scraped, but never painfully, always on the boundary between pleasure and glorious torment.  He ran it down the aching skin between my breasts.  My breathing rose as he did this.  Fenris was always painfully erotic in his pursuit of pleasure. Removing his gloves and dropping them to the floor, he sat there and ran his bare hands up the outside of my legs, causing a trail of shivers to follow.

When he had finished, I dropped first to one knee and then to another.  A deep sound, soft and rumbling, emanated from his throat when he figured out what I was going to do.  My fingers found the laces at the front of his trousers and I started to undo them.  Opening them up, I could see that he was already firm and my eyes gleamed at what I had to enjoy.  I pushed open the trousers to reveal more and kissed the end of his cock, flicking the tip of it with the end of my tongue.  I heard a deep inhale as I took him in my mouth and felt his warm fingers run softly through my hair.  Fenris was wonderful to taste, and lick, and kiss - all over.  I left him and ran my tongue to the base of his cock, letting the heat from my mouth and the wet of my tongue excite him even more.  As I kissed it, nipping at the skin with my teeth, I could feel him become more and more aroused.  When I took him in my mouth again, he was a lot fuller and I smiled.  From the sounds of his breathing, my elf was losing the control that was so precious to him.

Before I knew what was happening though, he had seized me by the shoulders and was telling me to sit up.  Evidently it was too much.  I stood again in front of him while he slipped the trousers off, lifting his arse as he pushed them to the ground.  Before he could tell me to, I had straddled him again and was pressing kisses hot and hard onto his mouth.  My thighs were starting to ache for him.  It had been a while since we had fucked and I knew how ground-shaking it was when it was good.  Desire to have it again was coursing through me, lifting my breasts up and down, lending a fire to my skin and pressed up against his bare chest, taut and warm.  

A faint blue was starting to swirl around his body.  The snaking tattoos were beginning to light up, causing an ethereal glow to settle within the room.  The weather outside the window was dreary anyway and we had never opened the curtains from this morning.  Consequently the room had been quite dark but for the fire.  Not any more.  A light the colour of midnight water deep with starlight began to glow in the shadows of the room, and all because of my man.  My fingers traced one tattoo up his arm and he gently sucked in air through his teeth.  I knew that after all this time the torment had changed for him when they were awake, but they still hurt.  I felt them just enough to send a wave of erotic sensation through him.  It worked.

"Are you ready?" he whispered into my ear, his voice dripping with need now.  I could feel his cock against my legs, thick and hard.  My body was racing with hunger as I kissed him in answer.  "I'll take that as a yes?"  
"Maker dammit, yes!" I gasped, drunk with lust.

He picked up my hips and guided me onto him.  With an inhalation of air through my nose, I moaned as I felt him in me.  It had been too long, far too long, since I had last fucked my husband.  This was right, this was natural, and it was good.  So good.

"Fenris, I love you." I said as I pressed my lips to him again.  
"You're a beautiful woman, Anna.  What is there not to love about you?" he growled.  His lust and desire was breaking through in his voice and it was more breathing than talking.  Looking into his eyes, I could see love there, with adoration and a base, animal desire.

With that, he started to move my hips.  Tracelines of glowing blue pulsed along his tattoos with every beat of his heart.  Slowly he moved me at first, ever so controlled, before the speed increased gradually.  Kisses were deep and passionate as he moved within me.  My mouth was invaded by his, hot lips moving over mine, tongue flashing against my own.  

Faster and faster he was moving now.  Back and forth, rocking back and forward, lifting, fucking.  My arms were draped over his shoulders and my forearms clutched the back of his head, pressing him into my chest as he moved below me.  My mouth, lips open and panting next to his ear, breathed heat over his skin.  I could feel my teeth biting my lips, only to let go and then to bite them again.  My passion was soaring, along with the heat between my legs, and my mind was beginning to dissolve into its base state.

Muscles inside my body, between my thighs, were building up, holding back a tidal wave of pleasure.  They coiled and weaved, pulling into themselves ready to break and pull my body under in a haze of fury.

"Faster, Fenris." I moaned into his ear before my voice hitched in my throat.  "Please."

He didn't go much faster but he was more insistent.  More determined were his movements, more deliberate.  Gone was the man, gone was the elf, and here was the animal that only lived to satisfy his basic desires.  He was beginning to growl and I knew he was close, his lyrium burning out of his skin now and scorching my own.

Faster, faster, now, here, yes ...

"Fen ... Fenr ... ngh ... uh ... ye ... ... ... OH!!" I screamed into the room.

My body reeled at the force of it! I felt my mind turn over in glory and my body explode in violent joy.  Fenris was no less vocal when he came moment later, wrapping his hands around my back and gripping me tightly to his chest.  His hips moved and he shook with pleasure, his breath released in a wave as he came in me.  Slowly, he - and I - managed to bring our minds back under control but it was with great effort.  The rise of our chests became gradually less and less brutal and I could feel the blood starting to stop rushing next to my ears. 

"Festis bei umo canavarum, amata." he spoke softly into my ear before bringing his head back to look past my eyes and into my soul.

I smiled at his words and dropped a sweet kiss onto his mouth.

"I love you too, my darling husband."  
"How do you not know that I need you, Anna?"  
"That is in the past now, amatus.  Forget it."  
"And you're sure the baby will be okay?"  
"As sure as I've ever been.  It has you for a father and me for a mother.  It is likely to be the most stubborn being born in Thedas. It will not move."

He smiled then.  A deep smile, one full of joy and hope and love for me and for the child that grew in my belly.  As he kissed me, I knew that I was the luckiest woman in the whole world.

And nothing could change that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Fenris hike through the Frostbacks on the first day of a two day journey. A welcome sight arrives just in the nick of time ...

"Fasta  _vass_." I breathed, gazing around me as I stood on a rocky outcrop.

There was nowhere else in Thedas that I had seen that could compare to the devastatingly raw and powerful beauty of the Frostback Mountains. I had spent years travelling in the Rivaini countryside after our escape from Kirkwall, around our city of Diarsmuid, and I naturally thought of the place more than fondly. However, the weather there was muggy and warm, much like Kirkwall at times yet more humid. Nothing like here. I stopped on our ascent up a small slope just to look around. I could see a soaring canyon before me that dived down into the folds of the world, only to soar up the other side like a great stone eagle's wings had brought them to life.  Greys and silvers burst through the diamond white where the granite and snow fought for who was more beautiful and more deadly. It was something in that eternal fight that captured my breath.

A happy smile swept across my face and as my eyes drifted shut, I inhaled deeply through my nose. Here the air was glacial in its crispness. Not at all like the sometimes oppressive sultriness of Rivain. It was glorious to inhale, although too deep and the cold pricked at my chest. A brief cough drew stern glances from Fenris who stood beside me, but I quickly stopped and carried on up the pass. At the moment the sky was a bright cerulean blue, clear aside from a few drifts of white nothing. Above us, the sun was determined and clear. Glancing around at the bright lights sparkling off the ice, anyone could have been forgiven for thinking it was actually warm up at this height.

It was not.

The air was crisp, yes, but it was dangerously cold if the wind started blowing. My fingers were held tightly inside mittens of mountain rabbit fur that we had purchased before making our journey, Fenris and I, knowing that there was a likely chance of frostbite. Inside the warm fur, another pair of tight leather gloves, lined once again in fur, held my fingers tight and they felt good. The soft, fur lined hood hugged my face, which in turn was wrapped tightly in a scarf that I had pulled over my mouth and nose to protect against the harsh air. If I stopped too long, I started to shiver within minutes, and I was wrapped up tightly in furs and lots of layers.  I could only wonder in horror at what the slaves who carried our bags were like.  

The way had been shut to carts but open to those who wished to walk.  Varric's letter asked to come as soon as possible and from what we could glean from those who rode up the mountain, it was likely to be a few weeks before the snow melted enough to allow transport to ride up the valley.  We could not wait that long.  We had been walking for four hours so far and were working hard.  Engaging the services of the porters had been easy enough and we had left very early that morning.  I had been insistent that we set off early and maximise our chances of reaching the fortress in the two days quoted.  As predicted, Fenris had been very vocal about waiting for the carts so we could ride up.

"For the love of the Maker, Fenris!  I am the Champion of Kirkwall, I defeated the fucking Arishok  _in single handed combat_ , took on an army of demented templars drunk on red lyrium, ran that fucking city for three years, and then - to top it all off - I fought  _and killed_   Meredith fucking Stannard.  Wait, what did she turn into?  Was it a crazed, red-lyrium-munching, mad bitch?  Why, yes!  I'm pretty sure it was."

He sat there staring at me while I ranted.  Patiently, and not a little bit amused, he waited whilst pulling on his clothes and lacing up his boots.  When he had done so, he sat up with one arm resting on his knee, waiting for me to finish.

"Yes, I am pregnant, but that does not mean I will wilt into a whining little princess.  I am still strong, I can still move and aside from a little sickness every now and again, am in perfect health!"  
"Anna, must I remind you that you were sick all over my shoes a week ago?" he said, a cursed little smirk threatening to break through.  It was the arrogance with which he smiled that drove me insane.  I would never admit it but that half smile still made my knees weak.  His eyes were giggling though, and that would not be allowed.  With a look that I had reserved for dealing with slavers, I stared at him.  I could feel my hackles rising and my pupils constricting. From the look in his eyes, he knew he was in trouble.  
"Fenris, stop treating me like a child.  I will walk up this mountainside with or without you." I snarled.

I continued to shove our things into our bags, with a little less care than I'd usually use.  Snapping it shut, I turned to walk out of the door and wrenched it open.  A tattooed hand from behind suddenly appeared over my shoulder and shoved it shut again with a bang.  Spun round, I was suddenly pressed up against the door with a fervent kiss as his hands grasped my face.  The bag was hastily dropped to the floor as my fingers scrabbled to get into his hair.  Damn his eyes but he was a good kisser!

He finished soon however, much to my disappointment.

"There is an angry spark in you, Hawke.  Still.  And that, I love." he whispered, inches from my face.

With a light kiss, he turned back into the room and did up his coat, almost ignoring me again and leaving me slumped against the door.  My heart raced and I smiled wickedly. Seven years on and the heat between us still burned like a crucible.

Back on the mountainside, my feet sunk into the soft powder.  A thin crust snapped like ice but underneath was inches and inches of fresh snow.  The rise we were to climb, we were told, would carry on for another hour before levelling out and continuing along a shelf-like pathway, wide enough for carts and people to traverse easily but treacherous to any who strayed.  The guides told us, via the sargeant who we had concluded our business with in Rognac, that we were not likely to see any snowstorms.  So far they seemed correct.  The sky was cloudless and beautiful.

Within the hour, we did indeed see the top of the first incline.  It had been soft and gradual, but it meandered and was thick with snow.  That always made the going extra tough.  Towards the end of the morning, a creeping nausea came over me.  Under a brow that was by now slick with sweat, my eyes glanced over at my husband who kept his eyes forward but knew, probably from the way I was breathing, that I was having to fight to walk up the hill.  To his credit he didn't say anything now but he would certainly let me know about it later.

It was with a deep gratitude that we broke the incline and sat down on rocks to eat.  I had to admit that I was not having a good time of it today.  For all my bravado this morning in the hotel, I was fading fast.  However, the fact was that I had to get to Varric at the top of the pass, and the Inquisition.  He told me they needed me, and I would do everything I could to get there.  I owed Varric that much. This child was sure as the Maker's balls not going to stop me.  Fenris sat on a rock nearby, just staring at the side of my face.  I could hear the judgement pouring out of him in silent waves.  However, if there was one person more stubborn than him in Thedas, she was sitting opposite him and carried his baby inside her. 

The porters unwrapped meats and bread, passing them around and trying to blend into snow, trying to ... disappear.  As Fenris took some food off of one, he stared hard at them as they moved to me.  Three of them travelled with us, and all three were elves.  Fenris tried to give them some money for their troubles but they looked in abject horror at his suggestion.  Mutely they moved between us and the bags that were ours sat on a stone shelf some distance off.  Obviously this place was a great stopping station between the town and the halfway point; a lodge designed to house guests travelling up to the fortress and, from what we could pick out, a large squad of soldiers.  They had been based there as a first line of defense in case anyone did mount an attack on Skyhold.  They were only there to stop invaders just long enough to send a scout up the mountain and warn the fortress.

I tried again to bite into the bread that had been placed in my hand for the third time.  I chewed it, knowing it would soak up some of the sick feeling that curdled around my stomach, but it was dry and brittle in my mouth.  Drinking water certainly helped but I sipped it, having learned from previous experience not to gulp it down.  The thought of the cooked chicken turned my stomach and as I watched Fenris chew on a drumstick, I turned away before the heaving started.  

Where we sat afforded us an unparalleled view over what the porters called _Crevasse de la lune d'argent_.  It was majestically stunning; a long, crescent shaped canyon of sheer granite.  Long slopes of snow clung to the sides but they were too steep to properly hold much and as such, there was more stone than white.  It was terrifically high and as I gazed out, the scenery proved a little mesmeric.

"You're not eating nearly enough." a gruff voice said, breaking me from my study of the view.  "Are you okay?"

I tuned him out as best I could.  My head was starting to feel light, and that only meant one thing.

"Anna, do not ignore me."

_Here it was coming.  Deep breathing ... ringing ears ... woozy head ... aaaand ..._

My head bowed and I threw up into the snow, and once more for good luck.  Spitting out dripping bits of pink, I turned to look to see Fenris kneeling next to me.  I hadn't even seen him move. He wore a look of benevolent patience in his eyes as he waited for me.  I smiled as he ran his hands over my hair, brushing it back from my face in a show of soft affection.

"You're certainly a lot sicker than last time.  I don't remember you being sick at all then." he soothed, his deep voice resonating in his chest like a purr.  
"And aren't I the lucky one?" I sighed frustratedly as I swilled some water around my mouth and spat it out again.  I knew exactly what he meant though.

With my foot, I ruffled up the snow on top of the ugliness. I was disturbing the idyll and I did not want to look at the morasse of vile pink liquid staining the perfect snow.  I knew from experience that once I had been sick, I felt a lot better and as such, I tried to make myself eat a lot in preparation for the afternoon's walk.  It was likely to be a lot easier on my legs but I would need the energy.  Especially seeing as my lunch was ruining the crisp white beauty of the Frostbacks.

I managed a couple more mouthfuls but I signalled to the slaves that I wanted to move on.  The quicker we got to the lodge, the better.  Standing up, I shook my head a little, breathed deeply and I was good to go.  I'd fought through worse sickness and pain than this.  Of course, we'd had Anders with us at the time.  That punch of emotion almost caught my gut again.  I hadn't thought about him for years.

"Fenris, distract me." I quickly asked, knowing he would understand what had saddened me.  
"Okay, tell me where your blades are.  I know you've hidden them somewhere ..."

And so an hours-long argument proceeded to take us over the flat calm of a small land bridge resembling a solid rainbow, along a thin pathway wide enough only for one cart at a time, and along a section of the walk that took us through a vast forest that swept rapidly up the mountain side.  To the left of us, the slope was almost a cliff and I was surprised anything clung to it.  To the right, the ground fell away from us less abruptly but it was still dizzying to look down it.  The path that carved its way through the woods was narrow but it was picturesque. Silently trees lined the route like statues of soldiers; always there, always  _en guarde_.  I felt like they were warning us and silently judging that we were ignoring them.  Ahead lay madness, they knew, and still we walked on.

We joined the western end of a long valley, the bottom of which we walked along, and the eastern end of which lay the lodge.  It was about halfway through the afternoon.  The sky was still blue but now the chill had set in.  Down in the bottom of the gorge, the wind was picking up a little and I shivered.  I was anxious to reach the other end of the forest and rest.  We had made good time but were still falling behind.  The slaves, who always kept a little ahead of us, said it was particularly hard going and we weren't to blame ourselves.  I knew they were humouring me though.  I, the only human there, was the one wading through the snow.  I knew really we were making good progress as I could see the building's smoke ascending in the distance. I smiled inwardly as I thought of the hot Rivaini tea Fenris would make for me.

The slaves stopped suddenly up ahead, twittering quietly amongst themselves.  Fenris and I glanced at each other, where I shared a look of concern with him.  I felt the blades that I had secreted around my back twitch slightly, or was that because my mind keened for them?  The tone from the elves in front took a sudden turn for the worse, becoming squealing and high-pitched when from out of the treeline further up to the right, walked two cavern bears, followed by smaller ones.   They appeared to be simply crossing the path, rather than travelling along it. I counted the young ones; four.  This convoy represented a very real and present danger.

"Kaffas." Fenris snarled, drawing the large sword from his back and moving in front of me.  "Mother bears, with their young."

From behind my clothes, I slid out the knives I had secreted behind my backpack.  I would hear a never ending stream of bile from Fenris because of it but I was not about to let either myself, or any of those around me, die.  We all stopped still, and I felt myself strenuously willing the bears to just cross the path and keep moving.  It occured to me that we hadn't seen any other creature throughout the day.  True, the morning had been a climb surrounded by stone but now, and for this afternoon, we had been in the forest.  Not a creature nor bird to see or hear.  

One bear had entered the treeline on the other side of the path.  My breath was still tensely being sucked in and out in my desperate attempt to silently escape notice.  The others still sniffed around the open space.  As yet, they hadn't noticed us.  

"She looks lost.  Surrounded by emptiness, she seeks refuge." came an oddly soothing yet distinctly disturbed voice.  

I whipped my head round to see a young man standing under the low branches of a nearby pine tree.  He looked up at me through his eyelashes and lank, blond hair, almost as if apologising for disturbing me.  My heart, already racing because of a potentional threat, sought to find answer to the questions.  Who was this new puzzle?

"Who are you?" I demanded, disturbing Fenris who glanced round, first at me and then where I was looking.  At my husband's movement, my eyes drew back to him.

"Who are you talking to, Hawke?" he snapped at me, throwing his face back to the front and to the real threat.  _What?_   Glancing back, I felt my eyebrows draw down in utter confusion.  The young lad had disappeared.  I spun around as I sought to see where he had gone.  Nowhere.  He had vanished!

One of the bears had raised its head in our direction.  We could see the air stream out of its nose in quick, misty draughts.  Through the abject stillness, I heard it grunt, and then again.  Blowing air out of its nose, it turned to face us and stood there.  Beside me, Fenris had adopted his battle stance.  That put me on even more on edge.  I adopted my own.  

"She is an island but she should not worry.  Her little boat will come back.  She is not lost.  Not with him."

Gritting my jaw, I turned ready to fight the demon who appeared and disappeared at whim but I too could not see him any more.  Yelping with surprise into the cold mountain, I growled.  My hands, indeed my whole body, was aching to fight something now.  I could feel it in the way my muscles coiled in to the right position.

" _Venhedis!_ " I heard Fenris roar as he suddenly started forward, barreling the slaves out of the way.  Just the simple fact that he moved forward pulled me along.  I had been distracted and hadn't seen that the bear was running towards us.  The cubs remained behind but were no less of a threat.

With a flash of silver, Fenris' sword swung through the air moments before the large animal's paw hit him.  The blade cut into the limb, causing the bear to rear up onto its hind legs and moan loudly into the air, aggressively pulling back its lips and displaying many sharp teeth and a slathering jaw.  Fenris followed up with a back swing that lodged in the bear's stomach, spewing a crimson swathe of blood across the white landscape.  A scream roared from the bear's maw and it tried to run, wounds making it adopt an erratic gait.  It was lost though and as Fenris' sword carved down into a hind leg, it collapsed.  This animal was wounded and not dead yet, and it dragged the defeated limb behind it, desperately trying to reach the cover of the trees.  A final cleave brought it down and Fenris stood there, panting from the sudden exertion.  

"Noo!" was all I could scream before the back of the paw from the other bear swiped at Fenris and sent him tumbling over, splayed out on the floor.

Before I even realised, I was closing the distance between my fallen husband and the animal that pitched over him, claws out and ready to rake him to death.  The blades had been buried into the fur and flesh before I knew what I was doing.  The sight of Fenris being batted aside like a paper doll had exploded a desire to kill in me, much stronger than I had ever felt before.  A roar from the beast had me ducking under flailing limbs.  It sucked air in through the gaping wounds in its side and blood poured out over the embedded daggers, coating my hands in hot, sticky liquid.  I had no time to think about that before I switched through the air, rolling aside to pop up behind the animal and sink my daggers once again into the thick hide.  I had fought bears before but I knew what dangerous animals they were.  This one was almost down.

A quick glance to where Fenris told me he was trying to get up.  He wasn't mortally injured!  A flood of gratitude to the Maker swept through me but it was battered aside by rampant fear as I heard the high-pitched moans of the other, younger bears who had come to see where their mother had gone.  Seeing her being attacked, they were bounding through the forest to protect her.

I brought a foot backwards to brace myself against the wild strength of the mother bear I fought.  I weaved around, trying to escape being hit, before I saw an opening.  Plunging all my strength into my arms, I brought my blades down into her back.  With a very painful and abrupt thump, I felt the metal crunch against the backbone - my intended target - and crack into it.  With a surprise roar, the bear's legs spasmed and gave out under her and she fell over sideways; not dead yet but nearly.

I span round to deal with the four younger bears.  A cold sweat passed my brow as I stood at Fenris' side.  The odds were heavily stacked against us.  The slaves had blunt weapons and they stood behind us but were little more than saplings in a storm.  My stomach cramped with familiar pain from the desperate exercise and I felt tears fall down the side of my face as they continued.  I screamed inside.

 _'Please no,'_   I begged the Maker,  _'not again!'_

The first of the children to near us raised as if to jump.  As it did so, from out of nowhere, the familiar sound of a cold whip echoed around the trees as the bear jerked and roared.  It wriggled violently as if to escape something in its back.  A wave of horses burst onto us from behind them and hacked the bears down.  Within seconds the screams of dying animals crescendoed and then was gone, only to seep into the forest floor along with the red liquid that pulsed from the corpses.  I hadn't even heard or seen the horses galloping along but I looked around quickly to see who had rescued us.  Soldiers wearing the colours of the Inquisition circled us, stabbing sabres into the twitching corpses.  Looking back quickly towards the lodge, I saw a very friendly face and laughed, despite the terror of a few moments before.

There, with his foot propped up on a stone that jutted out of the snow, almost as if it was made for this moment, stood a welcome sight clothed in red silk and arrogance.  There, with Bianca slung roguishly over his shoulder and a victorious smirk on his face, was Varric.

"Hello, Killer.  Miss me?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke, Varric and Fenris make their way across the valley and chat about old times and new.

I did not want to move. I had just fought properly for the first time since discovering I was pregnant again. Those cramps that had seized my insides and twisted them had subsided now I stood still. Even so, I was wracked with the fear that if I moved, it would happen again. I managed to pass it off with the deep breaths I took, much as I did every other time I pushed my body to the limit. It was all so natural but I still felt like a fake.  And I knew that Fenris would be able to tell.

After a few moments though, it became obvious that I would have to move. Varric was wading through the snow towards me, wearing the biggest smile I had ever seen on him.  If I took the initiative and started the conversation, I would be the one to influence whether we moved or not.  I pulled down the scarf that had been covering my nose and immediately felt the iciness against my skin.

"A romantic rescue for your next novel, perhaps?" I said, a mock grin turning my lips. He laughed as he drew closer.  
"No, Hawke.  I set this up just for you.  Make it feel like old times.  We all know how you love to make an entrance."  
"Only in your stories, Varric." I smiled.

As he stood there gazing up at me, I felt my cheeks burn with joy.  Even if I was scared of the trouble in my body, it didn't take away from the fact that I was face to face with one of my closest friends, after years away from each other.  My eyes shone, and that was not fake.  It had broken me the day he left to go his own way.  He had eventually returned to Kirkwall, or so I had heard, but who knows where he had gone before that.  His voice, still rich and resonant, was the same as it ever had been.  Memories of Kirkwall that I had forgotten burst through, just from hearing him talk. After a few moments, I couldn't stand it any more and I threw my arms round him, hardly believing he was there at all.  He squeezed back before patting it as I drew back.  Fenris joined us then with a quiet smile.

"And Broody too?" he exclaimed affectionately, throwing his hand out to greet my husband who shook it warmly. "This makes things all the better! How you doing, my old friend?"  
"I am cold."  
"As verbose as ever. Well, I suppose you aren't used to the mountains. Let's get you back to the lodge. The quicker we do that, the quicker I can beat you at Wicked Grace."  
"You weren't that good, dwarf." Fenris said through an edged smile.  
"And he smiles too! Hawke, you've done wonders with the elf." Varric laughed out loud, his noise descending into a grin as he turned to call over one of the horsemen. "We'll be walking back to the lodge." he instructed the guard, before turning to me, "it will only take us an hour."  
"Let's get going then.  I cannot feel my toes." I told him.

As we set off, I glanced back to see the soldiers beginning to butcher the corpses of the bears. I could only imagine that it was difficult to get meat up in the pass so getting a good, free source when they could was just what they needed. The corpses would have to be disposed of now but it was not my job to care. I just had to focus on getting to the lodge and brewing up a cup of tea from the herbs we had brought from Rivain. The snow was soft still but we walked in the path that the horses had trod; a little more compact which made the going quicker and easier. I was blessed to find that the cramps were not starting again.

"Are you going to explain how you knew we were there, Varric? Or did you genuinely release bears onto the path against us, knowing we would need help?" I grinned.  
"Cole told us." he replied, working hard to fight through the deep drifts of snow. "Well, in the way Cole can tell anyone anything, I suppose."  
"Cole?" Fenris asked.  
"Oh, you'll meet him. He's ... an enigma."  
"An enigma?" I questioned.  
"Yeah. Think Daisy mixed with Corypheus. Powerful, but as strange as they come."

I raised my eyebrows at the analogy, but it was a good one.  

"And how are you?"  
"Still fighting the good fight. Writing more stories. Did you read my latest one? It's all about you, Hawke!"  
"I've not had that pleasure." I grinned, wondering what tales he would be telling this time. "How tall am I now? Seven foot?"  
"With four arms! Two for your blades and two for drinks!" he laughed, a deep, rich belly laugh that echoed around the trees.  
"I'll have to read that some time."  
"I'll make sure you get a copy!"

The snow crunched and squeaked against my feet as I trod through it.  The sun was in front of us by now as we made our way across the valley.  It was making its slow journey towards the eastern ridge of mountains but still had a bit to go.  However, it was strong enough to make the way blinding as it bounced up into our faces.

"So what's she like?" I asked after a while.  
"The Inquisitor?" I nodded.  "She reminds me a lot of you when you first came to Kirkwall.  Remember that first day I helped you, and I shot that guy in the ass who had tried to steal your purse?"  
"Yes, I do."  
"Well, you wore a mask of toughness but the innocence and the naivete was blinding to anyone looking at you.  She's kind of like that.  Tries so hard and is doing the best she can, but it's difficult for her, y'know?"

To have that much power thrust upon her without really knowing what to do with it?  Yeah, I could understand.

"And ... everyone else at Skyhold?"  
"What do you want, Hawke? Want to know if they blame you?"

He'd hit the nail on the head. It was my father's blood that had bound Corypheus in prison, and ultimately it was me that had let him out. Yes, I'd killed him but his soul had escaped.  It had turned over and over and  _over_ in my mind ever since I heard what was happening with the Inquisition.  The feeling of guilt often strangled me, such was its hold.

"Well, do they?"  
"You weren't to know." Varric stoically grimaced. "We had an enemy to fight, so we did. Better that then die horribly."  
"But he had been imprisoned!" I groaned, still angry that I hadn't left him where he was. "I should have left him there!"  
"Janeka was mad, you know that. She would have found a way to release him if you hadn't helped her."  
"Why did she ever think that she could control a Tevinter magister?" growled Fenris. I knew how much he still burned about his feelings toward magic, even if he had softened slightly in them. Our dealings with Corypheus had taken years to quieten down within him. However, every now and again, as it sounded like it would be now, the rage boiled up in him.

At Fenris' change in tone, Varric glanced up at me with raised eyebrows and a smile that questioned whether Fenris had changed at all.

"Yes, very much so." I whispered, answering his silent question.  My dwarven friend simply raised his eyebrows with a shrug and a smirk as if to say that he'd have to trust me.

It took us another hour before we reached the lodge.  The walking through deep snow caused my leg muscles to scream at me but I forced myself to keep going.  The valley was flat but being so high up it seemed that the snow hardly melted at all.  Consequently it was piles of snow upon piles of snow, and then compacted into ice.  The walk had been a slog and I would be glad to be out of it.  As we walked, the three of us reminisced about the heady days of Kirkwall, and those after it.  Laughter, groans of despair, good-natured arguments; they all rang out as we three friends made our way to safety and warmth.

The lodge was a beautiful sight in the end.  The track we had been walking along opened out onto a field of snow.  Varric assured us that it was usually green and beautiful.  At the moment, it just looked cold, especially now the sun was beginning to set and the wind was picking up.  Around the edge of the snow plain, stood pockets of pine trees, clumped together like gossiping fishwives.  I could see in the glowing sunset that trees lined a nearby ridge, picking out the tips in glorious burnt oranges.  The lodge was one big, timber framed affair from which emanated warm orange light flowing through the many windows.  I could see people moving around outside it.  It looked wonderful.

"Varric?" I asked warily, as we neared the buildings.  I could already hear the bustle from within and the noise of the horses stabled nearby.  
"Yes?"  
"Who knows I'm coming?"  
"Me, you, Broody.  I guess Leliana knows by know.  She has a better network than me.  Other than that, I don't know.  Cole, maybe.  Why?"  
"We've been on the move for such a long time, using all sorts of different names.  I guess I just don't feel comfortable people knowing who I am."  
"The Inquisitor doesn't know you're coming, if that's what you're asking."  
"What about that Seeker you mentioned?"  
"Oh, Cassandra?  She's nothing but buttercups and sunshine.  You'll love her!"  
"Tethras ..." I growled, firing off a warning shot.  
"Okay, okay!  She's feisty, and she's strong, but she loves the Inquisition - and the Chantry."   _The Chantry?_ I thought with worry at the same time I heard a growl from Fenris.  
"Does she know I've spent four years fighting the Templars around Thedas, and freeing mages?" I spat.  
" _I_ didn't even know that." Varric attempted a shrug.  
"The fuck you didn't.  You knew where to find me.  Stands to reason you knew what I was doing."  
"I tell you what, Hawke.  Let's get into the warm, feed you something and we can all play a nice game of cards and talk about this.  In private?" came the leading question.  His voice had dropped to a low, meaningful rumble.  I knew how to read him and after all this time, he was still as easy.  Fuck, anyone could.  There were things he wasn't telling me.

Moving into the lodge sounded great to me.  We set foot finally onto the wooden veranda that ran round the lodge and kicked off the snow that caked our boots.  By now, the light was very definitely fading and only the tops of the mountains were vaguely lit up.  A dull twilight had settled around us and it was becoming as cold as I would have imagined it would be.  

Varric opened the door to the main room and we stepped straight into some kind of entrance hall; small but welcoming.  Several guards sat by a small fire burned in a grate and stood up as Varric walked in, or attempted to anyway.  They got half way up before he shot them a sarcastic look.

"Sit the fuck down, boys." he scowled light-heartedly, his head held arrogantly high.  
"Are you someone important, dwarf?" Fenris asked, as surprised as I was.  
"Wasn't I always?  People need me.  Killer needed me, Her Inquisitorialness needs me.  Varric Tethras is a critical man." he mocked, throwing my elf a wink.

We were led straight upstairs, past more soldiers and lodge staff who smiled at us as we walked past them.  Four years of running was embedded into me and I shrank into my mountain clothes before realising that these were the good guys, or so Varric had told us.  He pushed open a wooden door which led into a bedroom.  It held the usual furniture but my eyes were drawn to the large stone grate that held a roaring fire.  Holding the door open for us, he signalled us to move in. We did and very gratefully dropped our heavy bags onto the floor, wearily pulling scarves and coats off and hanging them off the stout chairs by the table.  Fenris immediately started pulling off his breastplate and laid it on the table.

"I kind of guessed you'd want a moment to defrost before talking.  I'll go and order some food to be brought up to you.  Unless, of course, you want to be put with all the soldiers in the mess hall?"  
"Privacy would be good.  Urm, Varric ... ?"  
He turned back from leaving the room.  "Yeah?"  
"Is there a mage here?  A healer?"  
"Why do you need a healer?" Fenris asked, concern immediately taking over his voice.  
"A strain, nothing more." I sought to assure him, flashing him a warning look.  "It's going to bother me if I don't talk to them."  
"I think there's some but they'd be more battle mages.  'Patch'em up and send 'em back' kind of guys.  Want me to enquire?"  
"If you could?"  
"Sure.  Anything for you."

With that, he turned and left, pulling the door to behind him.

"Anna?" came the warning growl almost straight away.  "What's going on?  You never need a healer after a quick fight like that."  
"Fenris, I felt some pains." I said as my voice broke, low and worried.

For the first time since we had started this journey into the mountains, my husband and I were alone.  I couldn't keep the worry bottled up in me any more.  Here, in the privacy of our own room, I could forget about being the Champion of Kirkwall and just worry about being me, or more specifically worry about the little speck of life that grew inside me.  There didn't have to be any bullshit, any bravado; I was about to cave in.  I brought my hands up quickly to cover my face as my eyes began to flow with the panicked tears I had held at bay for an hour.  I felt my husband's warm arms encircle me straight away and I buried my face into his chest.  Gradually, I felt the tears stop but I stayed there, bolstered just by his embrace.

"If it happens again, amatus, I don't know how I'll cope." I cried quietly.  
"Let us not worry until we have something to worry about." his deep voice said gently into my ear as he held me, stroking my hair in an effort to soothe me. "We will face anything together, you and I.  We always have." 

I felt grateful for the way he was being supportive but my mind ran with worry.  The awful events from two years ago circled round and round my head.  What if it did happen again?  How would I cope?  I barely coped the last time, throwing myself into the fury of rescuing Diarsmuid mages from the onslaught of the Chantry.  The denial had caught up with me eventually and I had almost broke myself.  The politics of the coming days would distract me, hopefully.  I could only hope that a healer could give me the answers I sought.  I gave a deep sigh.

Was I still a mother?


	8. Chapter 8

"In essence," the mage looked up and told me, "no, I can't say if you are or you aren't."

He turned and sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me, the glow of magic slowly recinding back to his palms.  He was a man of about forty who had scars on his face, scars not able to be correct by his medicine.  There was a kindly look in his eye but a distant one as well.  His pained expression telling me he wished he could have given me the answers that I sought.

"We think it is about two months old?"  
"I can see that there is life in you, but I'm not good enough to see whether there are two; whether it is yours, or yours and a baby.  I am not saying that what was there is now lost, just that I am unable to tell."  
"Then why did you come?" Fenris turned and snapped at him.  He had been impatiently stomping the floor ever since I had told him what had happened, desperate for answers and only just able to contain the impending tidal wave of hurt.  
"Because I am a mage, and a healer."  
"And still here because?" he bit again.  
"I knew who I was treating the moment I stepped into the room, Messere Hawke."

I propped myself up from the prostrate position I had adopted for my examination.  I was furious with myself that I had let my guard down.  Slowly though, I stopped.  I would have to reveal myself when I reached Skyhold anyway.  It had been so long since I'd gone by the name of Hawke to the outside world.

"You knew?"  
"I was in the Ferelden circle when the Battle of Denerim was fought.  We marched to the city and I somehow survived.  When we returned, the Templars were a little more easy on us.  Over the years, we began to hear all about the Circles from around the lands.  Kirkwall, in particular.  We all heard about you, even before Varric's books.  The name Hawke was a byword for courage as we rebuilt the tower. You have no idea how many people around Thedas would die to protect you." he said solemnly.  
"Please do not even suggest that I was solely responsible for the mage rebellion, as we all know that isn't true." I stated plainly, groaning as I rolled to get up from the bed.  
"But you are responsible for saving countless mages across Thedas."

I gripped the edge and waited a while before making the physical leap to actually standing.  Fenris stood nearby and I met his eyes and smiled, yet he wore the same deeply serious expression he always wore when he was worried about me.  I feared for the mage in the room should he set a foot out of line.  I bobbed my head when the silent nod of the head asked if I was alright.  Sensing that his time was up, the mage began to pack up his things into a small sack.  

"You know not to ..." I started.  
"I am a healer, Champion.  I would not discuss what happened here with Andraste herself." he smiled as he packed his final things before lifting his eyes to meet mine. "I have fixed a myriad of problems with your muscles, bones and other various illnesses that I've spied around your body.  You deserve so much more than me but I did what I could." the mage said as he leaned on his staff and walked towards the door.  "There is an infirmary up in the fortress.  They have herbalists as well, who may be able to do more.  Ask to talk to someone called Dorian.  Maybe he can help."  
"Dorian?"  
"Another mage." he smiled, which prompted another low rumble from Fenris' chest.  "There's plenty up there.  I am genuinely sorry I couldn't help more.  I know how horrible the uncertainty is."  
"I appreciate all your help.  Thank you." I folded my arms and said.  "Genuinely."  
"It has been my honour." he smiled and turned to go.  Getting to the door, however, he turned back.  He smiled apologetically, almost embarrassed.  "May I have an indulgence, Champion?"  
"You are a good man.  Of course you may."  
"I'd like to know something." I acquiesced with a nod of my head, noticing that my arms had crossed involuntarily.  I was used to people wanting to know things of me when they learned who I was.  "What was he like?"  
"Who?"  
"The apostate, Anders."

Clawing started to twist my gut as my heart beat faster.  How was I to answer that question?  How was I to say that besides the man I was eventually to marry, Anders had been my best friend.  That when he had left me, I was _beyond_ heartbroken.  That one night, I had awoken in our camp and he had gone, with only a small note of apology left behind.  I had saved the man's life, even after he had exploded the Chantry and murdered those inside, and he had fucking  _left_ me.  I gritted my teeth, determined not to show anything of the cavernous sadness I felt inside, sadness I thought I had forgotten.

"He was the best of men." I said clearly and plainly, but with a warning edge that the mage was not to proceed further.  
"Champion." he said quietly with a small nod of the head and turned to leave the room.

When the door had shut behind him, I turned to Fenris with a wide-eyed look.  

"For fuck's sake!  When will that bastard be out of my life?" I yelled, throwing out my hands.

Fenris crossed his arms and glowered at me, but I knew it was in sympathy not in malice.  I did not want to stir the anti-mage emotions he still harboured deep inside him but I needed this vent.  This wasn't against magic, this was against one man.  One mage.

"Fucking  _years_ have passed and still I can't escape that ...  _maleficar_." I spat.  I noticed that even Fenris raised his eyebrows at my rage.  
"I do not need to say anything, Hawke.  It is a black mark on the tale of one fight.  Let it disappear into history."

I paced up and down for a few moments before stopping with a confused look on my face as I stared down at my own body.  I should have felt the strains of walking up a mountain through deep snow.  I felt glorious, I suddenly realised.  My muscles sang as if they had been bathed in hot water for days.  My skin was tingling with a fresh sense of wonder.  I slowly realised I could feel no pain - anywhere.  The despair such a simple question had plunged me into suddenly lifted as I felt the newness of my body.  The mage had worked wonders without me knowing.  I spun on the spot and stared at the door, instantly guilty that I had internally thrown all my rage at the man out through my eyes, and all he had done was ask a simple question.  

It was understandable.  Anders had been the one to throw the simmering shit-tip of Kirkwall into all out war.  I had understood why he had done it, even straight away, but that didn't stop the feelings of betrayal that he hadn't trusted me boiling up for weeks afterwards.  For what he had done, he was a hero to mages everywhere.  I took a deep sigh and turned back to Fenris, walking over and wrapping my arms around him.  

"Why am I so shit at the moment?" I moaned.  
"Do I really need to answer that?" Fenris pulled his head back and stared down at me, his green eyes large with a sudden yet sad compassion.  A smile threatened to prick the edges of his mouth in his mocking of me but his eyes were red.  I didn't know whether painful tears would fall instead but I realised they wouldn't.  That wasn't him.  Many templars had fallen the night we lost ... no, I still could not say it I realised with a grimace.  Fenris didn't cry.  I had never seen him that upset he had actually shed tears.  Instead he channelled his emotions in other ways; passion, namely.  Whether through frenzied violence or through heated fucking, once he was upset about something, cathartic purging was what he needed.

A knock brought us out of our thoughts.

"Come on, Broody.  Get her clothes back on!  There's hot food waiting here."  I smiled and walked over to open the door.  Varric stood outside, leaning on the doorframe and smiling suggestively.  "I do want all the juicy details though."  
"You watched the mage leave.  You know we haven't had time to fuck." I mocked him.  
" _Tsk_ , Killer.  Such a potty mouth." he smiled and swaggered into the room, leading a couple of servants who carried trays of food.  After quietly depositing them on the table, they left silently.  When I shut the door behind them and turned around, Varric already had the cloches off and was helping himself to the food with one hand, and pouring wine with another.  My eyes flickered to Fenris' briefly before walking confidently over to the table and sitting myself down.  
"The mage gave me herbs to take for the strained muscle.  Can't have alcohol, I'm afraid." I said simply, popping some ham bravely into my mouth, not meeting his eye as I surveyed the food.  For what we had seen over the past few weeks, this was utter luxury.  A basket of warm bread, butter, cheese, meats; had I not wanted to vomit at the sight of it all, then I would have been laying the table bare.  As it was, I could not stomach more than some bread and butter.  However, unless I wanted my old friend to ask a lot of questions then I would have to make an effort.  Looking as if I could not wait to tuck in, I placed more than enough on the plate in front of me.

Varric remained quiet but fixed me with a determined look as he recorked the bottle.  As much as I dared, my eyes flicked to meet his.  This was not a stupid dwarf.  There was a myriad of questions floating over his eyes, ones that he desperately wanted answers to but did not dare ask.  He knew something was up but he was smart enough not to say anything.  

"Whatever you want, that's okay by me." he said sincerely, passing me a plain glass of water instead.  
I could not bring myself to look at him as I accepted it.  "Thank you."  
"A toast!" he suddenly cried, passing Fenris a glass.  "To old friends, together again!"  
"Old friends!" I said happily, lifting my water and sipping.  
"So what does the Inquisition want with me then?" I said, biting into some fresh bread slathered with butter.  Normally I would have been delighted but tonight I chewed slowly.  
"No, no, no!" he stated heartily, waving his hands around and leaning back in his chair.  "Tonight is for me.   _Tomorrow_ is for the Inquisition.  Answer any of their questions but tonight we eat, drink and play cards like the old times."  
"Do you still think you can _win_ , dwarf?" Fenris goaded as he smiled and chewed on some bread.  
"Think?  Do I  _think_ I can win?  No.  I don't _think_ I can." he boasted as he took a mighty swig from his glass.  
"You only won when you cheated."  
"Slander!  The elf has fouled my good name." he protested with a deep laugh.

We laughed late into the night with Fenris drinking too much wine to make up for the fact that I wasn't drinking any.  I had to eventually persuade them not to play strip Wicked Grace, which only provoked drunken cries of protest.  A glance out of the window up at the stars told me it was past two in the morning when I finally called it a night.  Throwing a very drunk Varric out into the hall, as he bounced off the wooden walls and took several stumbling paces backwards, I realised that he wasn't likely to find his room easily.  I would more than likely emerge in the morning to find he had slept in the corridor.  Guiding him by the shoulders, he loosely indicated the direction of his room and we hobbled off in that direction.  He swayed a couple of times but I managed to get him there, in between the bawdier jokes that he could remember and stopping to lean against the walls to steady himself.  Eventually we arrived at a door but try as he might, his hand kept missing the handle every time on the down swing.  I stepped in to help.

"There you go Varric.  Get in there." I said, pushing open the door and shoving him into the room.  He stood there in the middle of the floor, looking around a bit perplexed before drunkenly spying the bed and pointing it out with a swaying finger.  

"Hawke?" he said, just as I turned to go.  I looked back at the man who had been my right hand man for six, nearly seven, years.  "I've missed you."

I smiled wistfully as he looked back at me with beaming eyes and a wide grin.

"You too, Varric."  
"I won't tell anyone, y'know."  Damn, he was smarter than I gave him credit for.  
"I appreciate that." I said softly and turned. He would likely not remember in the morning. However, a side of me did wonder whether he would.

I wondered if Fenris might be waiting for me in bed naked, but no.  When I got back to the room, I saw him sat up in an armchair by the fire, fast asleep, a slight dreamy smile playing on his lips.  I smiled as I looked down at him.  He would pay dearly in the morning for taking on so bold a risk.  Normally he did not drink nearly so much but had done so only to make Varric drink and not ask questions.

As I pushed back the hair from his face, I sighed contentedly and let my fingers run down his cheek.  He had been hard nosed and pushy, equal measures of steel and spite, when we were in Kirkwall.  This sleeping tiger in front of me had not softened in any way over the years, no more than he had been then.  He carried great pain with him but over time he had learned to bury it a bit deeper.  Danarius had done so much damage to him that it had taken more years than I cared to think about for him to break free of that anger, and in part it was still there.  But he was my Fenris, and I loved him so much.  I had loved him then when he was angry and barely contained, and I loved him now.  The dormant man in front of me was peaceful, unrestrained, beautiful.  

With a contented smile, I turned and got undressed, as quietly as I could.  Eventually he would wake and come to bed, but for now I decided to leave him there, hopefully dreaming of me.


	9. Chapter 9

I pulled the robe around myself a little tighter and drew my knees up to my chest, also drawing the blanket up around me. Our window afforded a stunning view over the scenery and I sat there drinking in the white raw beauty of the snow covered mountains. I had dragged an armchair over to the window to sit and slowly sip my coffee whilst gazing out onto the wintry landscape. A slight problem came when I realised how cold it was away from the fire. Layers and hot drinks were vital and now I could wallow in the view as I smiled happily, leaning my head against the headrest and dreaming. A rare privelege to while away the time wishing, but it was early enough in the morning to allow myself a little indulgence.

I was not usually an early riser but today I found that I was awake as soon as I opened my eyes. Today was the day that Fenris and I had been travelling towards for a long, long time. I would meet her, the Inquisitor, and I would find out how I could help. There was a twinge, and I would freely admit it, that I would take a back seat in this adventure. I'd been so used to steering the course of events for so long that letting someone else run the show would be tough. I would try but it would be just that - tough. I was a proud animal and more than a little riddled with arrogance, but I had not stopped leading for nearly a decade now. If I did say so myself, I was good at it. 

A knock tapped through the door softly and I called out gently for whomever it was to enter. Varric gingerly opened it and poked his head around the corner, looking about before he spied me sitting by the window. His hair looked a little scruffier than usual but only the red eyes told me that he felt anything bad. I threw my eyes over to the bed to compare him to my sleeping husband and smiled, before looking back to the dwarf with a smirk on my face. Varric took the cue and trod quietly, slipping over to the table which now held some breakfast and poured himself a cup. He soon joined me at the window by bringing a chair over.

"Not good then?" he tried to whisper. The only reply I gave was to blow my cheeks out a little and feign a sickly expression. Fenris had already been up that morning and all I could hear from the antechamber was a string of profanities in between wretching. He fell into bed after the last time and seemed to have passed out. He would be in a bad mood for the morning, if not well into the afternoon.

Varric seemed to enjoy the view, both outside the window and inside the room, and quietly sipped his coffee besides me. From the sparkle he wore and the smirk that he barely managed to contain, I could tell he was squirrelling away the information to used against Fenris at a later point.  And it wasn't long before my assertions about last night proved correct.

"So do I call you Cuddles now?" The impatient and excited tone of his voice made me think he had been desperate to ask me.  
"Cuddles? Is that the best you've got?" I bent my head as I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  
"Mommy would be wrong and naughty, wouldn't it?" he grinned roguishly.  
"Yeah." I smiled fondly, his humour always my side of wrong. "Matrus is the word in Tevene." I offered  
"You speak the elf's tongue now? Will wonders never cease?" he sniggered as he took a draught of his hot drink.  
"Well, it is my husband's language." came the simple statement.

The coffee sprayed a long way, hitting the glass of the window and running down it into brown, clear rivulets. He fixed me with an incredulous look as he ran a hand over his face to wipe it off. His eyes were wide and more than a little surprised. "Any more revelations, oh domesticated one?"  
"No, that's about it."  
"Hawke, I very much doubt that." he chuckled to himself. "Wow.  That's a lot to take in."  
"And you'll do well to keep it to yourself, dwarf." an angry, rasping voice said from the direction of the bed.

I looked over as I watched Fenris sit up, his eyes barely open.  He propped himself up by one arm and pinched his eyes with the other.  His head was an inelegant mess of white until he ran a hand through it, bringing some kind of order to it and taming the harshness of his bed hair.  He stared at Varric with narrowed eyes and even though I knew just how hungover and frail he was, he managed to seethe malice into that stare.  I could hear Varric shuffle slightly in his seat but instantly the dwarf covered up his anxiety with a laugh and a shrug, leaning boldly back in his chair as he did so.

"Broody, you have nothing to worry about from me.  I got a wealth of secrets in me.  A couple more won't make a difference."  
"Knowledge may be power, Varric, but if the Chantry find out I'm having a baby, they'll just have that extra sword to hang over our heads." I told him, in all seriousness.  
"I will not allow my family to be compromised." came the growl.  
"And there was me thinking you trusted me!"  
"We do trust you.  We _need_ you to know how serious we are taking this." I stressed.  
"Papa Bear and Momma Bear want their cubs in peace.  Got it."  
"Varric ..." came the warning shot from me.  There were times when I wished he would cut the jokey shit and just answer me straight.  
"Hawke, you and the elf are my oldest friends.  You have nothing to fear from me." he soothed.  

He fixed me with a direct look and I could see how honest he was being.  I settled back into my chair, confident that he would be good.

"Anyway," he stated happily, standing up and putting his empty mug back down on the table.  "I just came to tell you there is a gift awaiting you, Hawke.  One from the mage who treated you last night.  He pulled in a few favours."  My brow knotted in confusion before he stood at the door and urged, "Come, follow me.  You might want to bring your clothes with you.  Much as I love seeing the elf naked, I must say."

Fenris simply growled as he stared at Varric.  I got up and shuffled out of the blankets I had wrapped around me before grabbing our bag and joining Varric at the door.  Fenris rose from the bed.  He was wearing his trousers anyway but he was naked from the waist up.  He grabbed a shirt from the floor and quickly pulled it over him before meeting us in the corridor.  I closed the door behind us and followed Varric down the hall.  He stopped at an open door and held out his hand with a flourish.  I flashed him a look of benign confusion and walked round the corner.  And almost cried with delight.

There, in front of me, was a large copper bathtub, filled almost to the brim with water so hot that steam was rising off the surface.  It had been weeks since I had been able to bathe properly.  I had managed to scrub myself in snow occasionally but to wallow in such a vat of warm loveliness was almost too much to bear.  Without thinking, I dropped my bag and started pulling clothes off.

"Woah, Hawke!  You got an audience here!" a cry of protest from Varric rang out. I couldn't take my eyes from the bath as I told him to get out. "Okay, but just to let you know, the boys with the sleigh would like to leave by mid-morning.  Gives you two hours."

With that, he shut the door behind us.  The click had barely sounded out before my toes were touching the water.  Inching them in, it was utter bliss so the whole leg followed, along with the other, and pretty soon my whole body was submerged.  I sunk below the surface and took a moment to float, before pushing myself up for air.  With a long groan of joy emanating from tired muscles and a filthy body, I slunk against the back of the tub with a delirious smile on my face.  I was only afforded a few moments before Fenris was tapping my shoulder to push me forward.  I did so and felt him climb in behind me.  I leaned back to settle against my husband as I felt his arms wrap around me.  I could physically feel the sigh of contentment rumbling in his chest as he kissed the side of my head.  For untold silent moments, we just lay and soaked in the hot water.  My eyes drifted shut and I switched off to everything outside the door and what would happen later that day. It was wonderful.

"It's been a long time since we've done this." he eventually said.  I smiled at the memory, well aware of one of the last times we had taken a bath together.  
"A pity we have not the same privacy." I flirted.  
"A great pity." he said deeply, his lips brushing my ear.  My stomach turned over at the light touch and I felt a gutteral lust.  His voice always had the ability to make me feel faint, especially when he knew how seductive he could be.

A hand moved to cup my breast and a warm mouth started to kiss my neck.  My body instinctively reacted by leaning my head a little and allowing him access, but I caught myself with an extraordinary show of self-control.

"Fenris," I moaned and bit my lip, "stop, please.  I can't."

Almost immediately, his mouth kissed the side of my head softly and lovingly instead of passionately, and I felt him settle back against the tub.

"I understand." he acquiesced and pulled me backwards to hold me against him.  "When we know."  
"When we know, you will not be able to keep my hands off you." I said, my eyes shut lazily but my voice dripping with desire.  

We spent the next half an hour lazing in the bath, cleaning each other and relaxing.  Letting the water flow through my fingers, I inspected my skin, turning my hand back and forth.  I was finally satisfied I was clean.  The water sloshed over the side and onto the floor as I stood and rose from the bathtub, nimbly climbing over the side.  A warm, soft towel was waiting on a table.

"So what's the plan for today?" Fenris asked, hinting at what would be at the top of the mountain.  
"What's there to talk about?"  
"Are you going to tell them about our friend?"  
"Going to have to.  Stroud's got a lead.  We'll have to take it.  It's my piece to play.  My gift to the Inquisition." I said as I pressed my lips flat and thought over their reaction to me.  
"They're not going to hate you, Anna.  Stop blaming yourself.  You didn't let him go - Janeka did."  
"No, I fought him.  I helped her.  Without my blood, he'd still be imprisoned."  
"They won't see it that way."  
"I have to help.  I have to put that right."

I turned and dried myself before pulling the set of clothes out that I had saved for today's purpose.  I needed to make an impression, show them I was someone to count on.  My armour would go over the top but at least I wouldn't have my bedraggled mountain clothes on. I would look smart. I would look like a leader.

Within the hour, we had properly dressed, taken a little bit of food and packed our bags.  Outside we met Varric who was at the stables.  He had explained to us that we would ride up to Skyhold in a sleigh.  I was delighted at the prospect of not walking.  Instead of all day, it would take us two hours.  The sledge was lighter than usual with runes adding stability and magic to counteract the weights of people sitting in it.  It needed to be used to get over the worst of the weather.  In an emergency they needed to ride up the mountain quickly for help and for warning.  Slogging for hours and walking through snow would not help that.  Instead a sleigh would ride over the glacially covered passes like the wind was lifting it.  It was a beautiful thing and we climbed in, pulling the animal furs tight over us.  When the riders were ready, with a crack of the whip we were off.

The second part of the journey up to the fortress was much the same as the first one.  We flew over vast fields of snow, hearing the quiet whooshing of the runners gliding over the icy top layer.  Pine forests swooped by in a flash of dark greens shadows and, in between the soaringly pointed trees we saw the pale grey trunks of the silver birchs, ghostly against the darkness.  Here and there I saw the quick whip of a deer running away but those were brief glances.  There was a wide lane cut right through the forest that served as a road and it took us fully half an hour to make it through.  Towards the end of it we saw signs of industry.  Logging camps showed that the mighty fortress of Skyhold was being renovated and was in production.  Men chopped and sawed at the felled trunks and the air was thick with the warm smell of cut wood.

The peaks of the mountains beckoned us still further upwards.  A valley, small but with a flat basin, was the next part of our journey.  It ran upwards between two parallel flows of small peaks, crowned with silver and diamond.  It twisted and turned for about an hour.  Soldiers could be seen posted at various points along this way, guarding watchtowers and running through drills.  The last part of this journey took us up a gentle slope and it rose and rose, almost to the heavens itself.

"Keep your eyes peeled." shouted Varric over the sound of the wind that whipped past our ears.  "You'll see Skyhold in a moment."

As the sleigh crested the top of the slope, running swiftly out of the small mountain pass we had flown up, I could see that it had opened up into a wide, flat canyon. We ran round the edge of it and as we flew, I could see what I had been travelling to for months now.   In the middle, nestled among the mountains as if hewn from the rock itself, surrounded by dizzying fissures and breathtaking mountains, was Skyhold.  It sat majestically on an outcrop of rock connected to the rest of the world by a small bridge, one that the sleigh seemed to be heading to.  From the road on the edge of the canyon on which we were travelling around, the ground broke away and fell before rising again, rushing up to meet the fortress.  Cloud didn't allow me to see the bottom of the canyon and gave the impression the great grey hulk of a building was floating.

I was impressed, I was not going to lie.  From here, it felt like the Inquisition could swipe at the world, take what it wanted and let the resentment break upon it without fear.  If they were fighting out of this mighty structure, then they were a force to be reckoned with.   As we drew nearer, I could see that from many corners hung banners with the mighty symbol of their order; the Sword of Mercy with the all-seeing eye.  Might and the quest for truth, I thought with a smile.  I liked them already.

The sleigh came to a stop minutes later outside a small guard house with a corral for the horses that had drawn us.

"You ready?" Varric asked me, making sure I was okay.  I had expected to feel queasy from the travelling whereas in truth, the fresh air had made me invigorated.  I stepped out of the carriage raring to go.  I nodded that I was.  
"I am eager to meet everyone."  
"Come with me then."

There were more templars here than made me comfortable and I drew my cloak closer around them.  I could see Fenris start to walk with a little more of a confrontational gait.  I longed to reach out and touch him, to soothe him but here I had to act the part.  That couldn't include showing the world who my one weakness was.

It felt good to be doing this again, to be part of something bigger.  In Kirkwall, I had fought long and hard against the injustice of Meredith's reign, and the Exalted Marches I had witnessed since then.  However, I would be fighting side by side with these men.  It would be difficult but if the Inquisitor ruled it so, then I would help.  Corypheus was my fault and I needed to set it right.

Varric led us under the mighty watchtower of Skyhold and into the belly of the beast.  It opened out into a courtyard busy with activity.  I heard my friend talking to some of the guards who stood by the gates and from the laughter I knew he was on good terms.  I could hardly imagine so gregarious a man having enemies but it was heartening to know that my old friend was liked.  Looking about, I could hear the metal clang of soldiers being put through drills, could hear the hammering and clanking of masons at work, and could smell the wonderful air of a citadel thrumming with life.  Varric caught us by the arm and led us off before we could gawp anymore.  Up stone steps that climbed the inside of the mighty castle walls and out onto the battlements.

"I don't want to be paraded in front of her Varric.  I don't want to be subject to the scrutiny of her party just yet."  
"Don't you think I know you, Hawke?  I'm not going to let you dangle.  Just trust me."  
"I'd like to meet her privately.  Please."  
"Under your orders, Champion."  He pulled open a heavy wooden door and took us into the cool air of a tall stone tower.   The room was a basic storage room.  Walking us over to a window, it showed us the entirety of the upper courtyard.  "Now I'm going to have to go and get her. Wait here for a moment."  
"What?" I cried, indignant I would have to wait further.  
"She's only in that big building there.  That's the main keep, along with the rest of her crew.  Stay here and I'll bring her to meet you.  Chances are that meeting in this cramped little room is not going to impress Her Inquisitorialness so see that little flat stone roof there?  I'll bring her to meet you and come out when you see us arrive.  Good by you?"

I nodded, excited to see what this monstrous fighting woman was like.  I had heard about her in taverns and from our contacts all over Thedas.  Varric's letter had boasted of her massive stature and explosive fighting abilities, talking about wrestling with demons and fade rifts alike.  This sounded like an impressive woman.  I watched him leave and through the window, after a few minutes, watched him run up a massive flight of stone steps.  At the top, he leant against the door before going in.  He needed to make an entrance, such was his vanity, and wheezing would not help that.  After a few moments, he straightened up, ditched his jacket on the floor - to look even better, of course - and walked in.  I smiled at the pride of my friend.  This was the moment he had been waiting for too.

"Are you ready for this, Hawke?" Fenris' voice echoed in the silence of the room.  
"Fenris, this is what I do.  I kill for those who need justice. These are my people." I answered plainly, not daring to take my eyes from the window lest I miss the woman who I had travelled so long to meet.  

Before long, I spied Varric emerging from the great door again, followed by a tiny girl dressed in brown, functional clothes.  She pottered down behind him, keeping up quickly and talking to him as they walked.  I wondered if this was her serving girl perhaps.  However, as she walked next to his side and people moved out of their way, showing real deference, a slow realisation crept up my spine.  This was her.  A surge of disappointment followed the surprise.  She would break if she blew over in the wind.  Her brown hair was scraped back from her face and she looked far too thin.  A hollow feeling started in my stomach that I tried to fend off.  They climbed the steps and arrived at the little flat space Varric had pointed out.  So far they had come alone.  

This was it.  With a calming breath out of pursed lips, I laid my fingers on the handle.  Pulling the door open, I walked out into the bright sunshine and down a shallow flight of stone steps.  The woman, barely more than a girl, spun on the spot at words that Varric said, words that I couldn't hear.  

That was when I saw her properly.  She may have been slight, she may have been dainty, but as soon as I met her eyes, I knew her and I would kill to protect her.  There was a look that my soul cried out to.  A fellow leader in over her head.  She was lost and it streamed out of her eyes.  

She was _me_ , ten years ago.  

The power and pressure of having to lead people who didn't know what they wanted, and couldn't help her yet expected her to do what they needed; yes, I knew exactly what turmoil she was facing, and my heart bled for her.

"Inquisitor," I heard Varric say, "meet Hawke.  The Champion of Kirkwall."


	10. Chapter 10

"Though I don't use that title much anymore." I said, gracing the last few steps slowly.  My stomach skittered, feeling the flutterings of something I hadn't felt in a long time; awe.

As I stopped at the bottom of the steps, I found I could not look away. Her large, green eyes were wide but her back was straight and her head turned straight to me; not dipped through reverence or fear and not tipped up in arrogance. There was a frailty about the way her thin frame seemed to melt into the background, beige working clothes blending in with bright, sunlit stone, but her bearing was strong, fierce even. Glancing at her hands, they were balled up defiantly but a practiced eye saw the tremble. Yes, she had the conflicted mind of someone so raw and new that would break themselves to do their duty and protect their friends, and so frightened of being found out to be a fraud. The fear pulsed out of her, or was that me sympathising? I was this girl, this innocent, ten years ago. I wanted to shake her and tell her it would be okay, the way I secretly wished someone had done with me. I would be that person to her - her guide.

Smoothly I walked over, holding her gaze all the way.

"Hawke, the Inquisitor." Varric introduced again. "I figured you might have some friendly advice about Corypheus. You and I did fight him, after all."

He turned to move away at that point, giving us the space to talk. He walked over to the stone wall and turned to survey the rest of Skyhold. It was a magnificent place. It felt like what a castle should be; strong, well-built but with a soul, not just some entity made of stone. Looking around from the small space where we stood, I could see a lot. People scampered around below us, doing jobs and keeping the lifeline of such a place afloat. The headache of ruling so many people brought back many memories, mostly positive. I was never officially made Viscount of Kirkwall but people - politicians, merchants, the odd Templar - would come to me for a decision. Words I spoke on a daily basis had far-reaching consequences, but not even remotely what this woman would have been feeling. I had a city to run; she had a whole nation-state.

I turned and looked out over all the people she had around her, a half-smile unconsciously pulling up my lip at the fishbowl in front of me. She came to stand next to me and as I looked up at her, we shared a look of understanding and both returned to surveying the fortress in front of us. I wondered just what I could say to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling stirring up inside me.

"You've already dropped half a mountain on the bastard. I'm sure anything I can tell you pales in comparison."  
"Oh, I don't know." her voice, dipped in velvet and iron, said, "you did save a city from a horde of rampaging Qunari."  
"I don't see how that really applies, unless there's a horde of rampaging Qunari I don't know about."  
"There is a Qunari. He almost qualifies as a horde all by himself. Fortunately he's on our side."  
"So then, what can _I_ tell you?" I asked, standing and turning to lean against the wall.  
"Varric said that you fought Corypheus before?" she asked.

I looked over to where the dwarf stood drinking from a wine bottle.  Apparently the hangover was not quite so still in him after all.  Out of the corner of my eye I sent him a smirk as my eyes flashed to the green glass.  With a shrug and a grin, he turned his eyes from mine and drank again.

"Fought and killed." I needed her to know that I was not just a story, and more than a legend that blew through the streets of the Free Marches.  I still felt that glint of satisfaction from the memory of that fight, however swiftly the guilt followed after.  "The Grey Wardens were holding him and he somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them."  
"Corypheus got into their heads, messed with their minds." Varric explained.  "Turned them against each other."  
"If the Wardens have disappeared, they could have fallen under his control again."  I said.  My stomach knotted as the fear about what I could have unleashed onto the world became apparent.  "I would like to help.  I have some information that may be of some use."  
"I appreciate any help you can give me.  I'd like you to accompany me later to the War Room, to address my council."

It was a simple statement, but not a question.  A polite, but very firm, demand.  I nodded my head.

"Inquisitor, may I ask something?  If I am going to be staying here - to help, of course - I would like to introduce someone who will be fighting at my side."  
"Varric?" she sought.  From her voice, she was enquiring whether I could be trusted, or the unknown person could be.  
"You can trust him.  A little feisty, but one of the good guys."

My eyebrows raised slightly in surprise at the praise from Varric's mouth and a smile of pride threatened to take over.  I pulled it back rapidly though.  I needed to be seen to be serious.  Looking up to the window I knew Fenris was looking through, I nodded.  Sure enough, moments later he opened the door and walked down the steps.

"Inquisitor, this is my partner, Fenris."  
"A pleasure to meet you." she said as she stepped forward to shake his hand.  If she noticed his tattoos, she certainly didn't break her stride. He took it and quietly nodded his head, but remained silent and stepped back to stand behind me.  A look passed between the woman and Varric; one of silent questioning and I knew the name 'Broody' would be mentioned later.  However, she looked back at the two of us. "I will have Josephine afford you accommodation during your stay here.  It may not be glamorous but we do what we can."  
"I came here to help.  A pallet and a bed of straw will be enough, for I bring my own blanket." I joked.  A brief smile appeared on the Inquisitor's face.

I turned round to sit with my back to the vast open space that teemed with people, leaning against the wall and breathing the gloriously clean mountain air.  My eyes drifted shut for the moment as the crispness settled over me.

"Varric!" came a cry from the top of the stairs.  The voice seemed caught between fury and shock.  I looked up straight away at where the cry had come from.

I looked to see a woman, proud and defiant in her stance, piercing me with a gaze of steel.  From the look of her, she was built for war.  A sleek and powerful fighter's body that danced with a killer's grace.  She wore functional clothes of reds and blacks, but they were made well and made tough.  The only armour she wore was a breastplate emblazoned with the crest of the Seekers.  It was enough to let me know that I stood in front of someone formidable.  The ghosts of those Templars I had fought and killed, Meredith especially, had hardened me against feeling fear in the presence of a warrior but as she stepped with a predator's gait down the steps towards me, I had to admit to feeling concern.  

"Oh ... shit." Varric said guiltily, his voice dropping to a low tone.  "Well, Hawke, it's been nice knowing you.  Make sure I'm buried clutching Bianca to my manly chest."

Then this was her.  The one who had pursued me, who had returned to Kirkwall to search me out.  The one who loved the Chantry.  I held her eye as she drew closer.  It burned with a thousand questions.  I felt my tongue tighten inside of me and I heard a low growl from my husband as she drew a little too close for his liking.  Shock robbed her of her voice but there was a firey anger that raged inside her.  Not at me though, or so I thought.

"Cassandra, I ..." Varric started but was cut off quickly as she flashed her eyes to him.  He went silent under the ferocious gaze of the Seeker whose body seemed to be coiling up to hit something, but holding back in the presence of the Inquisitor.  
"You are Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall." she finally said.  Her accent placed her somewhere in the region of Nevarra. "I tried to find you."  
"I tried not to be found."  
"We ... _needed_ you." came the desperate breath.  
"Yes, well.  I had my own problems.  Fighting for my life is sometimes just so tricky."

She took another mesmerised step towards me.  This time the growl was audible even to anybody else.

"That's near enough." my husband said, firing a warning shot for her to stay away.  
"And this, I suppose, is the elf who accompanied you in Kirkwall?"  
"I am he." came the deep voice from behind my shoulder.  
"Can we trust you?" she asked.  Her head dipped ever so slightly forward and her gaze was so intense that it made her look aggressive.  She turned to stare past my shoulder.  I knew, even without turning around, that Fenris was glowering.  From the increasing look on her face, this warrior woman was becoming more and more wound up inside. Something needed to be said to alleviate the tension, otherwise things were going to come to blows.  
"He has followed me ever since leaving the city." I explained.  
"Cassandra," the Inquisitor tried to soothe, "the Champion has deemed him worthy.  We are not to question her."

She seemed to stop at the quiet command, glancing over her shoulder at the soft yet steely words.  With thin lips pressed together, she calmed herself with a deep sigh, shut her eyes and nodded.  "Inquisitor, forgive me."  Turning back to me, the woman spoke plainly.

"At least you were honest in one regard, Varric."  
"I was?" came a voice dripping in confused scepticism.  
"He told me that the elf would never leave your side, Champion."

Feelings of pride burst within me as I knew that he never would. Gritting my teeth, I fought to keep the emotions in. Fenris would never leave me, I knew that within my soul. I looked over at my friend and smiled.  Varric caught my eye and shrugged.

"What can I say? I'm an old romantic.  Anyway, I think I've done enough damage for one day.  Inquisitor, with your leave?"  
"Of course."

He nodded to Fenris and I with a warm smile but it dropped to a disgruntled grimace upon looking at Cassandra, and disappeared quickly. 

"Inquisitor, may I be excused also?" Cassandra asked, looking rather pointedly down the set of steps my old friend had quickly travelled down, desperate for an escape.  Her request was granted with a nod, but also a look of warning, and off she stomped.

"A rather fraught ship sometimes, yes?" I asked the Inquisitor with a grin.  
"It is not a sword or a spell that will kill me, but the politics." she sighed and stared blankly out across Skyhold. I wondered if there was anything that she did for herself, any pleasures that she took.  For a moment, I felt like reaching out and running a hand over her shoulder but I stole myself against it. Maker, I was getting soft. She stirred herself against it and with a forced smile, drew herself up and looked at me. "Champion, if you'll excuse me then I will have to go and make sure that _that_ doesn't end in bloodshed."  
"Of course."  
"I will send a runner to Josephine.  By now, she will not only know you are here but you will probably have quarters prepared for you.  Shall we say a council meeting in one hour?  At the war table?"  
"As you command."  
"I ... I would like to talk to you later, in private.  If I may?" she asked.  Now all her followers had left, she seemed a little nervous.  
"That is my wish too."  With a smile, she visibly relaxed.  "Before you go, I need to talk to someone called Dorian.  Where would I find him?"  
"Most likely in his library.  Go into that building there," she told me, her finger pointing to the large cathedral-like edifice opposite, "and ask anyone within where it is.  Forgive me but I must leave you."

With that, she was gone. I looked to Fenris and met his gaze with a smile, only to have him grimace and flicker his eyes towards the main building.

"Come on." I said and walked off towards it.

We set off down the stone steps and crossed a large open area teeming with life.  Masons and carpenters seemed to move about impatiently, filling the air with the hot smell of sawn wood and the sharp ring of chiselled stone, and shouting instructions to each other with laughter and cursing.  I could see soldiers; some practising fighting moves, some patrolling the area, some talking with friends.  Everywhere I could see the castle staff running about doing jobs and keeping the castle running.  It was heartening to see that this fortress, and indeed this nation state, was so alive with people.

We walked up a huge flight of stone steps and I felt the chilled wind whistle around my body.  Beautiful the surroundings may have been but they were still cold. The tops of the mountains that I could see looming over the castle walls were testament to that. Large doors were open at the top and we walked in to one of the most impressive rooms I had ever seen.  My eye was immediately drawn to the glorious glass window of a rainbow of colours sending incandescent light over the room.  A raised dais in front of it held a throne where guards stood silently.  Soaring walls drew my eyes ever up to a stone carved ceiling hidden in shadows and secrets.  It was a beautifully stirring room.

A rather dashing gentleman strapped in leather clothes emerged from a door to our left and walked past us.

"Excuse me?" I called.

He stopped immediately.  His hazel eyes flickered from my face to Fenris' where, I could have sworn, I saw the brief fires of recognition as they ran over the tattoos that covered his chin.  A roguish smile curled his top lip, bending a fascinating thin moustache in the process.  

"May I be of assistance?"  
"Could you point us toward Dorian's library?  We need to find him and the Inquisitor told us we would find him there."  
"Did she?  How interesting." he smirked.  "Well, it just so happens I'm going there myself.  Do allow me to lead you."

I nodded our acceptance and he walked straight through another door into a short corridor, which opened up into an atrium that simply exuded peace and wonder.  Maybe it was something in the stone itself or the hangings on the wall, but something was mystical here.  It was a glorious little haven within the fortress.  The man walked ahead, tall and proud, looking around him with a confidence that I had not seen in a long time.  His hair was just so, well, damned perfect.  He was definitely someone who took pride in their appearance, and rightly so.  He was delightful to look at. Moving through the tall, round room, he moved to another door which this time led to a set of shallow stone steps that ascended ever higher, seemingly endless.  It was a dark tunnel to travel upwards in, punctuated by the odd wall bracket holding a lit torch.  That didn't help the unending nature of it.

However, eventually we arrived at a round balcony.  The smell of dusty books deep with tales met my nose and I smiled.  If I thought the room below this one was peaceful, then the library in which we found ourselves was almost magical.  It too was dark in places and it could easily have been intimidating with dark corners and shadowy secrets.  It was not.  Every recess was lit with bright firebrands, giving it a cosy quality instead of a foreboding feel.

As the stranger in front of me sat down, he stared up at me with an amused grin, placing his hands behind his head and stretching his legs out onto a small stool.  He relaxed into the seat as if he was at home among the stacks.  An amused grin ruffled his mouth and his eyes shone with the little game he had just played.

"You're him, aren't you?" I said, feeling myself warming to the man straight away.  
"You must allow me a little weakness for showmanship.  Yes, it is I.  Dorian Pavus, at your service.  What can I do for you?"  
"Pavus?" cried Fenris with a unexpected snarl.  "You're from Tevinter?"  
"Yes, and _you_ are someone I've longed to meet."  

That shook us both immediately.  Gone was the cool detachment, replaced by a gravity that pulled me in straight away.  I tried to lock eyes with my husband but found he was staring straight at the mage, unable to tear his eyes away.  Eyes that were quickly filling with fury; restrained fury.  I knew what he was thinking and I scarcely felt less comfortable.  Here was a Tevinter mage, a sworn enemy and all that Fenris hated about the world, sat in front of him.  The mood of the place had switched and tension built in the air.  Dorian's steely gaze built on my husband.

"Me?" growled the elf.  
"Yes, you. You represent freedom from Tevinter oppression."  
"But ..."  
"Not everyone from Tevinter is a foul creature out for self-promotion.  Some of us want real change to happen." Dorian said seriously.  
"And you are the _mage_ for it?" Fenris said, spitting out the word with a snarling brevity.  
"My dear fellow, who else has the charisma and appeal?"

It was disconcerting how easily he was able to change between serious and charming, but it was utterly bewitching.  He was beguiling, in every sense of the word. I longed to know more.

"Why are you here, helping the Inquisition?"  
"I left the motherland of my own accord."  
"Why?" I asked.  
"Because Tevinter is a stain on the glory of mages everywhere.  It was once a mighty country but those who seek to dominate within find they have corrupted the very place they seek to rule.  The mages there have broken every single moral code."  
"And it is your job to fix it?"  
"No, it is _everyone's_  job.  I am but one man, however gloriously handsome I may be."

From beside me, I could feel Fenris start to soften from his steely bearing.

"And how do you know me?" he asked with a sneer.  
"A former slave that defeated a Tevinter magister?  How would I not know who you are? How could you have escaped my knowing? Tell me, did you really rip out his heart?  Please say you showed it to him still beating."

Fenris turned and walked away at that point, stopping at the rail of the balcony and gripping it tightly.  From the set of his shoulders, I could see how raw this conversation was.  In a few steps I was at his side.  I would not touch him, however much I longed to, but he was mine to fight for and defend.  

"I have followed your story for a long, _long_ time.  I never saw you, back in Tevinter, but I knew of you.  A slave with lyrium burnt into his very skin.  All magisters like to show off, you know that. You were a prized asset."  
"He is a man." I snarled.  "He was never anyone's property."

Dorian's face dropped and he leapt up from his chair.  Apology riddled his face as he stepped straight over to stand next to Fenris.

"You both misunderstand me." he said gently to my husband.  "You are a personal hero.  You defeated one of those I am dedicated to stopping, and you did it with such ... _style_."  
"Just ask him, Hawke, so we can leave." came the conflicted growl.  
"Ask me what?  Maker, I have offended you and therefore blighted my honour.  If there is anything I can do then please, let me know."  From the look on his face, the man seemed genuinely hurt.  
"Are we alone?" I asked subtly.  
"Yes.  This room is empty.  Aside from we three, of course."  
"This is private beyond measure, Dorian.  I need to know I can trust you to keep a secret."  
"Oh, secrets and intrigues! How ... delicious!" he smiled, his eyes shining.

There was something in his mannerism that made me trust him.

"I have to know something, something of  _great_ importance and a mage told me to talk to you."  
"Go on..."  
"I have to know whether I am ..." I started, hardly mustering the courage to keep talking.  
"Ah, I see.  The Champion wants to pass on the torch to the next generation." he said, catching on as quickly as I would have hoped.  "It is a simple spell, no more than looking at you really.  Would you like me to do it now?"  
"Yes!" I asked, my voice coming out a little quicker than I would have liked.  
"Okay, well ..." he said as he glanced down at my stomach.  "Yes, you are."  
"It's okay?" I gasped, feeling my mouth drop a little and the smile rupture my stony face.  
"More than.  It pulses with a lot of energy.  A most hardy little thing."

The feeling of relief made me feel at once as though my head would float through the ceiling and my legs would fall to the ground.  I didn't know which direction to go in or what to think, just that my child was still with me.  Without knowing how, I found Fenris' arms had wrapped around me in a show of silent affection and support.  I breathed in his warm smell as I hugged him tighter to me.

"You tell anyone of this, mage, and I will end you." Fenris warned Dorian with a snarl, pointing a finger at the man.  A finger that was wreathed in blue light.  My heart stopped at the gesture but the laugh emanating from the mage's lips brought me back to the ground.  
"Are you trying to turn me on?  I have to tell you, it's working." he said with a wink.

For a moment, Fenris simply stopped.  His brow knitted and unknitted and his eyes grew slightly larger.  As he withdrew his hand, I heard him mutter something under his breath. I got the distinct feeling he was unsure as to how to deal with the pass Dorian had shot back.  I could barely keep the giggle in which drew a dark look from my elf.

"I assure the two of you.  Your secret is safe with me." Dorian chuckled to himself.  
"Come, Fenris.  Let us leave."  My husband simply turned around silently, unable to meet the eyes of the mage who was still smirking under a balled up hand.

In a moment of abandon, brought on by an unusual feeling of euphoria, I stepped forward to hug Dorian who smiled and received it graciously.

"You have my undying thanks." I whispered to Dorian.  
"You're more than welcome.  'Dorian' is a good name, might I suggest?"  
Graciously I smiled. "Maybe."

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke are shown to their rooms where they waste no time in exploding against each other with lust, only to have an unfortunate interruption. Does that stop Fenris though ... ?

The room we were shown to was in the very tower next to where I had met the Inquisitor for the first time. A flight of stone steps flush against one wall, dark in the shadows when we had first arrived, was now bright with firey wall-mounted brackets and led up to a unobtrusive wooden door. This simple tower, once so drab and dusty, shone now. Wooden chairs sat in the room below us and a table set against one wall already made it seem more homely. As I was led up the steps, I could see that the work already underway to brush away the rubble and clutter and turn it into a temporary home for us. An army of people were shifting the last few broken pieces of masonry that had made the room seem forgotten about, the last ones sweeping dust into a bucket and leaving. Now clean, it was starting to look like a proper set of apartments.

Josephine moved gracefully upwards in front of me. The firelight made the golden silk of her shirt shimmer with a warmth and luxury that I was not used to. My guard was up with this one. There was something in the artfulness of her eyes, a light that kept her emotions locked behind her ruthless efficiency and organisation. This was an intensely clever woman, skilled in the arts of diplomacy and politics. Friendliness and co-operation poured out of her in waves, and it was evident even to me that her love and support of the Inquisition was paramount to her, but there was something behind all those smiles; something not sinister, but calculating.

"This way, Champion." the lilting Antivan trill of her quick voice commanded.

I followed, of course, away from the bustle of the servants readying the room below and leaving quickly. At the top of the stairs, a solid yet simple wooden door was quickly unlocked and we moved through into the dark room beyond. She busied herself around the room, quickly moving to wrench open heavy velvet drapery and letting the natural light from the bright skies outside breathe into the room. The skylight fell through the latticed windows and onto a large and comfortable looking bed. The wooden furniture that dotted the walls of the bedchamber seemed to be more than we were worthy of and I silently appreciated the craftmanship that had gone into the making of a fine and large mirror that hung on one wall. Josephine _tsked_  quietly as she pulled open another set of curtains, the thread of the curtain rings singing against the wooden pole overhead. A large door was revealed and she immediately opened it, only to allow a gust of bracing mountain air to come racing in, stirring the wall hangings and candles that stood sentry on the writing desk of one wall. The door opened on to a stone balcony and she motioned for me to step through to inspect.

"Breathtaking." I smiled as I gazed on the view, my jaw slightly dropping at the gaping scenery in front of me. "These mountains are the very definition of awe-inspiring."  
"They provide a much needed guard and majesty when we have problematic emissaries." she said, a little cryptically. My eyes involuntarily dropped to the dizzying fall below us. Surely she couldn't mean what I thought she meant and with a quick look to her face, she avoided mine completely, gazing at the clipboard in front of her. A little too intently, for my liking. Yes, this was very definitely someone to watch. I turned to go back into the room and met the eyes of my husband who flicked from mine to the woman who shut the door behind me.  
"I hope this is agreeable for you, Champion."  
"Completely. My congratulations in readying it so quickly."

A small smile pulled the corner of her mouth and she nodded her head as she finally met my eye.  She was proud, quite rightly so, and able, but there was something there I just did not trust.

"If you will forgive me, I will leave you now to prepare for the council meeting. As ever, there are a thousand and one reports and letters to sift through in readiness for the Inquisitor's eyes."  
"Thank you, Josephine."  
"Champion."

With that, she left through the small door in the corner of the room and pulled it behind her. I listened to hear the soft _clip-clip-clip_ of her delicate shoes carrying her away.  A quiet clunk of the heavy metallic latches downstairs told me that the door to the tower was shut and that we were alone.

"Well, Fenris, what do you think of our h..." I started to ask.

I found myself pressed against the wall, his mouth hungrily searching for mine, kissing me with all the intensity and passion of the first time we had slept together.  I didn't have to time to think, just respond.  What was going on?  Why was he like this?  My fingers desperately scrabbled for his face, holding him closer to me.  Fenris left no room for thought, his mouth pressed heatedly against me, his body tight against mine.  Leaving my mouth, his lips trailed hot breath and kisses up my neck until he was at that point under my jaw where my knees buckled, as they always did.  

"Fenris ..." I moaned, feeling him kiss me there, knowing it would make me melt.  He caught my earlobe and sucked it, scraping it with his teeth and a soft growl.  "O-oh, Maker..." came the weak mewl as I felt my brain slowly start to shut down with desire.

His mouth kissed me again but stopped and he drew back, inches from my face, green eyes shone with a wanton lust.

"I need you, Hawke." his deep voice drawled, already dripping with a thousand promises of making me scream.  "Now that the mage has cleared you, I need to have you."

His chest rose and fell, and it was only then that I saw he had already removed his gloves, breastplate and pauldrons.  His black undershirt held tight over the taut body that I loved so much.  Running my hands over his torso make me weak.  Hard muscles coiled, ready to be released into explosive and passionate energy.

"Take me then." I instructed.  My voice was low and already devoid of the hard edged bite that I had kept in use around the ambassador only moments before.

But he didn't explode against me as I thought he would.  Pulling me slightly away from the wall, and robbing me of my support, his fingers undid the buttons of my coat and he slipped it off me, carrying it to a chair nearby and delicately laying it on the back.  With a magnetic grace, he returned to where I stood and slowly removed the small amounts of armour I had worn, each time laying them neatly on a nearby table.  I couldn't move even if I had wanted to.  The passion promised each time he flashed those emotive eyes my way kept me still and wanting more.  When he drew nearer again, his mouth pressed against mine one more time, slowly pushing me back to the wall.  Very deliberately, he took each hand and held them up against the wall, his strong hands keeping them pressed against the cold stone.

"Stay still." he whispered with a low growl.  "Are you going to do that?"

Quickly I nodded, biting my lip and wondering what he was thinking.  It wasn't difficult to see though as his eyes searched mine for answers.  I couldn't explain the connection we had.  It was as if our souls had been fused, stirred, divided in half and apportioned back to our bodies.  He was me and I was him.  We knew each other so intimately that sometimes we didn't even have to speak.  I knew how important control was to him, having lost it for a major part of his life, and he knew how much letting him make decisions for me had got me through my time in Kirkwall.  Regularly I had gone a little crazy with the pressure of always being relied on, always being used and needed to run the city, and living my life in a fishbowl.  I needed a release and he had regularly provided it.  To him, and only him, I had relinquished control in the bedroom and Maker, how he made me ecstatic I had done so.  

Here in this room I stayed perfectly still as he slowly sunk to the floor in front of me.  Gently he picked up one boot and placing it on his bent knee, unlaced it and pulled it carefully off my foot, removing the sock also.  The cold of the stone floor sent a shock up my body but it was only one more intense sensation I was being subjected to.  It worked nicely as a counter to the heat pouring around my system.  The measured way Fenris was moving was firing up my insides and making me yearn for him.  The other boot and shoe were removed and placed to one side and the bottoms of both feet sang as the iciness caught my skin.

Fenris knelt up in front of me and I felt his fingers start to unbuckle my belt and pull it from around my waist.  He soon started to unlace the front of my trousers.  Slowly he unknotted the front, a long finger then tugging and loosening the tightly crossed thonging.  Before long, his fingers slid into the top of the mountain clothes, warm hands causing the skin covering my stomach to ripple in goose prickles.  This tautness carried on up my body and I could feel my breasts starting to tighten, nipples aching to be caressed and pinched.   Slowly the hands under the waistband of my trousers slipped them down my legs.  I felt the cold air hit my body and I shivered, smiling as he did it.  

"Lift." he commanded, touching my foot and sliding a hand under it.

I obeyed and he moved my clothes from underneath them, along with the other foot.  They were discarded to one side with a little less care than he had paid to my coat and armour. 

Still he knelt in front of me.  I felt vulnerable having everything on view for him.  I could feel the warmth from his body as he knelt up again and started to undo the buttons of my shirt.  As he moved upwards, moving ever closer to my heaving breasts that now ached with tightness and anticipation, I could feel myself starting to become wet with lust.  My eyes drifted shut and I just listened to my body sing as my husband worked his fingers up the front of my shirt.  I felt a cold draft of air on my chest and warm hands settled on my ribs, allowing the rough skin on the pads of his thumbs to run over the delicate skin of my nipples.  Fenris knew what effect he was having on me as I murmured his name out into the cold air of our private room.  One was pinched and a bolt of energy shot over my skin.  Gasping, I begged him to go back.

"More." came the moan, to which he duly obliged.  

But the magic was only just beginning.  He nudged my legs apart ever so slightly and I felt his head dip towards the warm hair that covered the front of my vagina.  Using his thumbs to open me up, my mouth dropped open slightly and my knees buckled as the tip of his tongue found that most sensitive and intense place.  Sweetness and heat flooded through my thighs as his tongue began to lick and stimulate it.  I was having trouble keeping my knees locked and myself standing up.  Wetness began to seep down my thigh.  A finger found my hole and began to explore it, his nail running over the bump and making me breathe heavier and faster.  

By now, I was having trouble concentrating.  This was getting too much but still he kept going.  Tongue and finger working in unison, singing together as my entire body was screaming for more.  My hands left the wall now, arms too weak with lust to be held up any more and my fingers rifled through his hair, desperately clutching his head .

A knock came from the door, inches to my right.  I rolled my head to look at it, convinced someone had entered the room and would see me, naked and writhing against the wall, kept only in place by my inability to control my legs.

"Champion?" the Inquisitor's voice called through the thin panels of wood.

I tapped my husband's head.  "Fenris..." I breathed, desperate for him to stop, yet not so determined as to pull him away.  The beginnings of something explosive was just around the corner.  I could feel the muscles around my thighs starting to coil inwards, tightening ever closer, readying for that most blessed of releases.  "Fenris, stop!" I half-screeched, half-panted.

He pulled his head back a little and flashed me a wicked grin.  He had no intention of stopping.  This elf, this  _animal_ , was determined to be as naughty as possible and with a impish glint in his eye, returned to continue his work.  A renewed passion and impetus made me almost gasp into the room but I bit my lip to keep from screaming.

"Champion, are you okay?"  
"Ye ... yes!  I'm fine." I managed.  "Can ... can I help with something?"

Silently my eyes twisted shut as my husband worked and worked the finger in me, bringing me closer and closer to that point I needed.

"I just came to ask that we postpone the meeting a little.  I have had a few reports in that require me to read them more closely.  Is that okay?"

I nodded into the room, sure that she could tell I was responding.  Faster and faster, Fenris' tongue moved between my thighs.  Pressure, sweet pressure, was building.  I could feel the first waves of something spectacular beginning to charge itself, ready to explode.  Faster, harder he licked, exploring me with both tongue and finger, bringing that scream.  That chance of discovery was bringing an extra thrill to what was about to explode inside me.  The Inquisitor - the first woman of the nation state of the Inquisition - was yards away from me, separated by a thin piece of wood as my husband was bringing me to my knees with pleasure.

"That's fine!" I called, a little more forcefully than I should have done.  
"Shall we say when the clock chimes two bells?"

And that's when the explosion happened.  

"YES!" I shouted, my voice hitching with bliss.

My mouth screamed silently as I fought to keep in the violence of what Fenris had made happen.  My thighs erupted in a bright burst of heat, radiating out into my stomach, legs, and everywhere.  It sent passion and energy shooting, jumping over to my skin, skittering to those places not normally reached.  My knees gave out and I sunk slowly to the floor, Fenris catching me as I collapsed into a quivering, writhing mess.  As I lay there, against the wall and on the cold stone floor, the waves of pleasure were still ricocheting around me and making my legs jerk as if alive.  It was a while before the panting would let me start to make sense of how to talk.  I pressed my face against the cool floor, desperate for the heat to leech away.

Eventually though, my voice returned and I called out.

"Yes, that will be fine, Inquisitor.  I will see you there.  Two bells."

I heard her almost run down the stairs and knew she had been clever enough to figure out what had been happening.  A flush of embarrassment was quickly chased away by the remnants of pleasure still coursing around my system.  I gazed up the wall as I waited for my heart rate to return to normal.  It was a most undignified place to find myself but I could not actually muster the fucks to care.

Fenris sat back on his heels and surveyed the carnage he had wrought.  My eyes looked to him and I saw the smiles of one thoroughly satisfied with a job well performed.

"What," I panted, "what the fuck was that?"  
"You are mine.  Do I need any more reason?"  
"But with, with her listening?"  
"Why should I care if anyone is listening?" his deep voice resonated.  "You are my wife, Anna.  I brought a beautiful woman to her knees with pleasure.  Tell me that is not something a man should be proud of."

It was the wickedly delicious glint of roguery that I began to laugh at.  He knew exactly what he had done and that's what had spurred him on.  The control he had exerted, the delicious command of my body and the wonderful end result had me at a loss as to what I could do back for him.  Even now, my muscles simply unable to respond much to my command, I felt my blood beginning to race again as I gazed on those intent and sinfully erotic eyes.  Bringing myself up, I crawled to him, pushing him backwards until he himself was laying on the floor.  I straddled him, almost collapsing on top of him as my arms gave out, and kissed him deeply.  The passion that flew between us two had always burned with a raging, feverish,  _desperate_ kind of intensity and now I needed him to enjoy it too.

"Now, my darling husband," I purred as I kissed him, "what can we find for you to do?" 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is invited to address the War Council at Skyhold, where she tells of a friend hidden on the Storm Coast.

Sated, and covered in sweat, both of us lay back on the thick carpet that covered the bedroom.  After the explosive incident involving the Inquisitor and the  _incredible_ oral sex against the wall, I had crawled on top of Fenris and the cycle of desire had started again.  I had lain on him for a good while just kissing him, deeply, while my muscles decided that they actually did want this.  Maker, did they want this.  Before long, my whole body was screaming for him again.  His fingers hunted around my body, exploring the soft folds and bringing my battered frame back to life.  His hips moving against mine, in mine, bringing that moment of joy,  _twice_ , before he rolled onto the carpet and we both lay there, exhausted.

"I love you." I said as a lazy, exultant smile spread across my face.  Fenris made some kind of happy noise in response that couldn't be put into words, more a deep and loving rumble in his chest.  When I looked at him, his eyes were shining as he stared up at the ceiling.  My fingers sought his out and they entwined together.  Looking over at me eventually, the corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled; not a sexy, seductive smile but one of love and tenderness, and intimacy.  My heart shone at the sight.

He rolled over towards me and propped himself up on his elbow, gazing down at me and looking over my body.  A deep inhalation, followed by a slow breath out, was what I waited for usually.  That was his noise to let me know he was happy.  He brought his fingers up and ran them tenderly down the side of my face before looking down my body to where my naked stomach lay exposed to the cold air.  

"It is in there." he mused, his voice suddenly full of a wonder I had not heard from him before.  His face melted my heart as he stared down at the place where his child lived inside me.    
"It is." I happily said.  
" _Quas miracas_..." he breathed, only barely audible.  
"You will be a good father, Fenris."  
"A father?" he looked up quickly at me and said.  
"Yes," I laughed lightly, "for that is what you will be, my love."

There was the beginnings of something I had not seen in quite some time. The set of his shoulders and the light in his eyes told me a tale of evident self-doubt.  It started to curl round his eyes like the soft tendrils of mist snaking through a dark forest.  It was almost like it had been the first time that he had associated the word with himself.  It was powerful and emotive word, true, and not one to be taken lightly.  He sat up and ran a hand absently through his hair.

"It is an honour that I never dreamed of before now, Anna.  I feel ... unworthy."  
"Unworthy?" I snorted, hardly believing I was hearing the self-doubt coming from his mouth.  "What makes you think you are not going to be the most perfect of all fathers?"

For a while he was silent.  Contemplating my belly, his intent gazes flew past my skin, past the child inside and were buried deep in memories.  I shuddered to think of the things he was seeing but I was sure that there were of things not meant for me to hear.  In more reflective and serene moments, he had sometimes told me of happy times that he remembered; playing as a child with his family, before the memories of what had happened to Varania took over and he would retreat away from me.

"I am a broken creature.  I always have been.  What kind of things can _I_ teach a child?"  
"Fenris, what is a father's job?" I sat up quickly and asked him, guiding his face to look at me.  He resisted at first but my soft fingers were insistent.  Eventually his eyes met mine and I saw the pain that I had thought he had lost.  "To protect his family and to provide comfort and sustenance.  There is no-one who would fight for his family more.  Any creature stupid enough to attack our child would be foolhardy indeed.  I who killed the Arishok and Meredith Stannard, plus who knows how many Templars since then - men bred to be the military arm of the Chantry - and you who would rip out their insides, and has the power to _actually do that?_  Fenris, there is no-one who can stand against you when you see that _I_ am hurt!  What kind of blood rage do you think you will see if our  _child_ is threatened?"

Resolve beat away the clouds of uncertainty and the recognition of what I was saying rang through in his eyes.  

"I will try, Anna."  
"You will not have to try.  It is in you, your honour, and  _that_ is what you have to teach our child.  It is what I love in you, Fenris, and our child is measured beyond luck to have you as a father."

A swift and loving kiss brought me out of my pleadings with him, his soft lips pressing devotedly against mine.  I knew he was a volatile person, full of raging emotions at times, which unfortunately included pessimism, but I saw his worth.  Something he clearly sometimes forgot.

"Thank you, amata." he smiled forlornly as he drew back finally.  "I need you, it seems.  More than ever."  
"It is not just a one-way relationship, my love.  I will need to you to hold me together over the next few weeks too."

With a smile, I pushed myself to standing and started to gather my clothes.  My trousers and underwear were still in the pooled pile of clothes by the wall, a happy memento to our swift and rampant activity of the last hour.  I retreated to a corner where a washstand waited with a porcelain basin that held water.  Expecting to splash icy and refreshing water over my face, I yelped when my fingers hit hot water, despite having been in the room for a long while now.  The faint tint of magic hung over it and I marvelled at the little homely touches that were welcoming us to this new room.  A washcloth was liberally dunked and then run all over my body, before a towel got me dry again.  A small fire in the corner of the room kept a modicum of heat flowing around the room and I went to stand in front of it whilst I dressed.  Upon trying to do my bra up, I noticed something strange; a tightness of fit, and a tenderness of my breasts.  Marking it down as results of vigorous exercise, the rest of my clothes were thrown on, finishing just as I heard the sounding out from a nearby clock tower sound that there were fifteen minutes before two bells.

"What will be your plans while I am at the meeting?" I gently asked, strapping my armour back on.  I needed to look the part of the Champion of Kirkwall if I was to attend a war council of the Inquisition.

Fenris glowered at me.

"You can seethe all you want, my darling, but you are not accompanying me into the meeting.  I am sorry."  
"I will seek out Varric then." he seethed quietly, evidently dissatisfied but reluctantly accepting of what had to happen.  
"If he has been left alone by our soldier friend."  
"I do not like you being alone where I can't protect you, Hawke."  
"Are you afraid of her?" I asked, knowing Cassandra was fearsome indeed.  
"Yes." he replied curtly.  
"Then find her out and make sure she does not come near me." I suggested as I shrugged my coat on.  "You cannot protect me all the time but you can distract those we don't trust."  
"Agreed."

After pulling on my boots and gloves, I gave him a quick kiss.  Within moments I was leaving the tower behind me, crossing the courtyard and ascending the great stone flight of steps that I had climbed before.  The door to the great hall was open and I walked right in, marching as if I meant business.  I kept my head held high; I would not bow to anyone.  Memories of walking through the Viscount's Keep in Kirkwall flooded me.  All around me people would move as I walked purposely to meet Dumar, and would often whisper behind not-so-subtle fingers to their friends, or outright bow to me, but all got out of my way.  I walked through as if I was still there and I was pleased to see that my bearing was still noticeable enough for people to move.  There were not masses of people crowding this space, as there had been in the Keep, but they still got out of my way.  Maybe word had got round, my arrogance thought, and maybe they knew who I was.  A buzz filled my stomach that once again people knew I was here to get something done.  I had to help.

I strode purposely towards the middle of the room before a sinking feeling engulfed me.  Playing the tough image was all well and good, but I had no idea where I was going.  What was I going to do?  I couldn't stop and ask for directions.  That would ruin the image.

"Champion!" a familiar, gruff - and at that moment, very welcome - voice called out.

I looked round to see Varric to my right, standing by a fire and watching the comings and goings of the hall.  It seemed a perfect place for him to be.  Right by the entrance, allowing him to see everyone who came in but in the corner so he could observe people without anyone really paying attention.

"Second to last door on the left." he smiled, knowing what I looked for.  "And watch out for a familiar face."

With a grateful nod of my head, I kept my face straight and my head held high, and headed for the door that Varric had pointed out.  I didn't entirely understand the last sentence but I took it gracefully and carried on.  I opened it up almost defiantly and marched straight through.  A study opened up before me, or so it felt like.  A warm glow from the fire lit upright wooden beams and gave it a cosy, rustic feel.  Indeed there were two comfortable looking chairs by a large, roaring fire that invited people to sit, talk, support the Inquisition.  This caused a wry grin to ruffle my mouth.  I knew their game as I had abused it myself on many occasions in Kirkwall.  Wine, talking, and laughing late into the night had secured more deals and opened more doors than hardnosed negotiations ever had done.  Bookcases lined the walls on the far side to where I had entered and a large, stout wooden desk stood in the corner.  It was positioned to see anyone who came in.  Whoever sat in the empty chair behind it had their back to the corner, maybe to feel some sense of safety.  I had the feeling that someone uncompromising, yet with a hidden edge of insecurity, sat behind it.  They also looked to be someone who worked  _hard_ as the desk itself was littered with stacks of papers.  I noticed amusedly that although there were many stacks of papers, they were all neatly gathered with each sheaf of paper sat exactly on top of the one underneath.   _Busy, and with little time for inefficiency_ , I thought.  It was details like this that made me wonder again who used that desk.  The Inquisitor would surely not have time to divert to administration.  Hearing the door click shut behind me, I looked over my shoulder to see who had arrived after me.  The knowledge that I had at least been right about the type of person who worked here lifted the smirk onto my lips as I gazed at Josephine, who walked swiftly to the desk and sat down.

"May I help you, Champion?" she looked up and smiled at me with a flat grace, eyes devoid of warmth despite the luxuriant glow from her silk shirt.  
"I am here for the council meeting."  
"Please, go in.  I will be there in a moment."

I thanked her and moved through the doors, leaving her to rifle through the myriad of reports that sat on her desk.  A set of stone steps led upwards past the next door onto a short corridor.  I would have taken in the crumbling beauty of the hallway I found myself in, and been enchanted with the memories of fallen windows and stained glass, had I not found myself staring at the very familiar face waiting next to a mighty and imposing set of wooden doors.  Bounding up the steps and dancing over fallen masonry, I picked a path to where he stood.  My feet quickened and I felt the smile stretch my cheeks before I had taken five paces, yet I found myself at the end of the short corridor in a few seconds.  Standing in front of me, clad in a worrying amount of feathers, was the face of a confidante and aide against the mages' trouble in Kirkwall.  I was most pleased to see him.

"Knight Commander Cullen, this is a most welcome change to a sea of unfamiliar faces."  
"Champion," he said quietly with the whisper of a smile, "it has been a long time."

I could not ignore a rapidly rising feeling of worry.  His voice still had the pleasantly soft timbre I remembered but there was something else, something that I did not like; he had aged.  Gone was the vigorous, dynamic leader who had snapped and barked against Meredith's injustice.  My face fell as I saw the effects that the pressure and stress had put on him.  He shook ever so slightly and the light had dulled slightly in his eyes.  He also bore a large scar that sliced across his upper lip, testament to the fact that he still harboured the need to fight, but it was healed and fading.  I wonder what fresh scars he held about his skin, what trophies of recent fights, and what had happened that made him so ... withdrawn?

"Please, Cullen, you need not stand on ceremony.  I owe you too much to hear that title fall from your lips.  Call me Hawke."  
"As you wish." he smiled faintly with a slight nod.  "I was waiting here for you.  I knew you had arrived and didn't want you to be surprised at the table when you saw me."  
"That is most wise.  Thank you.  How are you?"  
"As well as I can hope to be, considering." he mused cryptically.  He massaged the tips of his fingers across his temple.  Whatever had happened to the man had had a profound effect.  "Shall we go in?"

The smile was there but it was polite, formal and not at all what I remembered about him.  Determined that I would confront him at another time, even if it was to check that he was okay, I pulled open the door widely and strode in.  A small room stood before me with a large table in the middle, surrounded by people, only some of whom I recognised.  The Inquisitor looked up and smiled at me, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks the only outward show of the recognition of her unfortunate timing earlier. However, she seemed concerned and her arms crossed her chest as she listened to a woman who looked up at me.  A brief and subtle nod was all that I received from this woman clad in dark purple and armour.  A shawl covered her head and it was from this covert shadow that I received my slight welcome.  She returned to discussing an operation with the Inquisitor, moving a couple of large pieces to the western area of a huge map that covered the entire of the table.  The area shown was most of Orlais, Ferelden, a little of the Free Marches, and a lot of the Waking Sea, but Skyhold sat proudly in the centre, both physically on their map and spiritually in their hearts.  With a frisson of excitement, my heart beat a little faster as I realised that I was here, in the middle of the power, with those who decided the fate of the Inquisition.  I listened to their heated discussion and let my mind fly back to similar persuasions I had received years before.  With a quiet click of the door, I watched Josephine enter the room and stand at the table.

"It needs to be investigated, Inquisitor." a distinctly Orlesian tone sounded out.  
"I agree." Cullen said, taking his place on the opposite side of the table to the woman clad in purple.  "I have received a letter from Knight Captain Rylen.  He reports of more and more travellers in the area.  He requests aid."  
"And we will grant it."

With a quiet air of acceptance, Cullen glanced at the Inquisitor and nodded, and I saw Josephine scribbling away on a clipboard.  I could see as he scratched the stubble that grew on his gaunt chin that he gripped the sides of the table and leaned forward to survey the board.  As his eyes swept over the pieces and the landscape, my heart leapt as I saw the remnants of a spark in him that I had known.  He studied it with an eagerness and dedication.  Logistics and preparation, and troop movement; it was obvious that all these things were being carefully considered as he appeared to rattle through plans in his head.  Quick eyes that darted about and the drawn brow showed me that the Cullen I knew was still in there.

"Champion," the Inquisitor asked, drawing me out of my study of the Templar, "may I introduce my War Council?"

I snapped my eyes up to see that all four people around the table stood looking at me and waiting for a response.

"Of course." I responded seriously.  
"Leliana, my mistress of Secrets." the dulcet and commanding voice said.  With a nod, the woman looked at me like I was hiding something.  Her eyes bored into me, searching out my intrigues.  I found myself disconcerted immensely as she stared at me and never blinked.  "Josephine, you already know, and Cullen ..."  
"We've met, in Kirkwall.  Many years ago." he interrupted, his voice cracking a little.  I would watch him, very closely.  
"Indeed you did.  So Champion, these are the three people I use in these meetings.  You have travelled far to to come here.  Varric has told us high tales of your exploits in the Free Marches.  Please, address the table."

I stepped forward and, before speaking, I made sure that I connected with each person standing around this table, holding their eyesight with a serious gravitas.   _Deep breaths, Hawke, you can do this._   

"First of all, you must know that I come to help.  I duly acknowledge that without my intervention, Corypheus would still be behind the magic prison that my own father had set up."

The rustle of silk skirts attracted my attention and I saw Josephine slightly bustle, her face serious and drawn as she moved uneasily from one foot to another.  I had her then.  Her reticence to talk to me but her obeyance of the Inquisition.  She held me responsible.  Maker, she couldn't even hold my eye!

"I come with information.  I have a contact who was investigating an issue with red lyrium for me.  He is a Grey Warden and is an old friend of mine.  The information he has, it would be worth the Inquisition's time."  
"The information he has?" Leliana asked leadingly.  "Which is?"  
"He was investigating whether Corypheus could have survived the wounds I inflicted on him.  It seems obvious now that he has.  He was midway through the investigation when he ... I hardly know what to say."  
"What can he tell us?"  
"He speaks of disappearing Grey Wardens." I saw a brief glance fly between Leliana and Cullen, full of suspicion and dark worry, and agreement.

A silence fell over the table.  Cullen's fingers arched and turned white as he gripped the table.  My arms folded in front of me as a wave of worry hit me from all corners of the room.

"This is most grave." the Inquisitor warned.  
"Indeed.  It does fit with intelligence I have received from my contacts." Leliana said with a voice full of cold worry.  
"What?" Cullen cried.  "And when were you going to tell us this?"  
"When it was pertinent, which it is now." the Orlesian said, her soft voice turning hard.  She stared back at the wavering Templar, holding her own and not relinquishing an inch.  I found myself warming to this woman.  
"I notice you monitor Ferelden." I nodded towards the map.  "King Alistair is a Grey Warden.  Have we heard anything from him?"  
"We have that matter in hand." Josephine responded, her curt voice warning me to stop.  
"So no, then?" I asked, unwilling to bend to her rule.  I kept her eye, fixing her with a steely gaze.  I would not be dismissed like some rank commoner.  If she had a problem, then she should damned well say something.  
"We have not heard from the Royal Court." the Inquisitor interjected.  Withdrawing slightly, I cast my eyes down at the map.  I would not be cowed, but I would not start a fight either.  This was a fleeting dance of politics and diplomacy.  Rushing in brashly would get me killed or exiled.  "Do you think your contact will have something worth listening to?"  
"Yes, I do.  He had been worried about the Grey Wardens, afraid that their ranks had been corrupted, so he went into hiding.  I guess he was right."  
"We have to act now." Cullen said as he looked up at the Inquisitor.  His skin paled at first but then steadily built to an ashen pink.  It was a subtle change but I was worried now.  Something was definitely wrong.  This was not the man I remembered.  
"Alright, where will we find him?"

I slowly walked around to the Ferelden side of the map and hunted for the place he had told me about.  I was most disconcerted to find a bronze marker on the place.

"There," I told them, "Crestwood, near the Storm Coast."

The Inquisitor stared at me for the longest time.  Her green eyes reminded me of forest trees caught in a storm, battered by rain but strong enough to withstand an onslaught.  

"Thoughts?" she called out to her council.  
"It needs to be investigated.  We will be travelling to shut down the rift that has opened there anyway.  There is no harm listening to what he has to say." Josephine calmly said.  My eyebrows raised a little in shock.  
"Agreed.  If Grey Wardens are indeed disappearing then we need to stop this happening, especially if there is corruption within the Order." Leliana argued.  
"My opinion is the same." Cullen concurred.  "The Grey Wardens would be a significant fighting force to add to the might of the Inquisition.  We cannot allow potential allies to be left to wander to their deaths."  
"This is also my feeling." the small girl looked up at the Commander and said.  If I hadn't have been as quick, I would have missed the briefest of smiles that corrupted the mouth of the soldier.  His sad eyes looked at her across the table and for a moment, the pain of whatever was troubling him disappeared.  Quickly enough the torment retook his mental state and his eyes drifted shut before he stepped back from the table and turned to the window.  Emotions swirled in the air for a few moments longer than was necessary, and I watched her look at the back of the commander.  It was only for a few seconds but that was enough.  Quietly I tucked that information away for another time.  It was neither the time nor the place to question either of them now.

"Josephine?" the slight woman called out commandingly, drawing herself out of personal troubles.  "Make the necessary preparations.  We leave first thing in the morning for the Storm Coast."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and the Inquisitor share an intimate conversation on the pressures of their roles, before a familiar voice comes back to haunt the Champion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had to make some very slight changes to the end of the previous chapter. Nothing too massive but that should have been mentioned in coming chapters instead. Thank you for being understanding!

After the frosty air that had blown through the day, the evening warmth surprised me.  As I strolled along the battlements with the Inquisitor, I could still see the mountains around me, crowned in salmon pink as the setting sun said it's final goodbyes.  It was strange, but not alarming.

"Is it always so balmy in the evening?" I asked contentedly.

A soft laugh fell from the slight woman walking next to me.

"That will be Dorian's doing.  He's taken you under his wing.  His words."  
"Has he indeed?" I smiled wryly, sharing a private joke with the absent mage.  "And just what has he done to me?"  
"Kept you warm.  It is a small charm and most welcome on cold nights in the mountains.  All the mages help out.  There are rare nights when it is actually warm but for the most part, a simple magick is placed upon you to keep you from freezing.  Believe me, it gets very cold in the Frostbacks."

My lips set to a knowing smile without me realising.  Memories of being wrapped around Fenris next to a fire whilst we sheltered, shivering from the impossible cold, softened my face where once it would have hardened into a snarl at her ignorance.  Her naivety was endearing.

"But you have walked through them, haven't you?" she said, stumbling over the words.  "Oh Maker, forgive me.  I'm not good at this."  
"You seem to be doing very well." I smiled down at her.  
"Ha." she snorted.

We came to a stop and she alighted on a simple stone bench.  With a long sigh, she leaned forward and rested her chin on balled up fists and stared through the ground.  I turned and leant my backside against the parapets, folded my arms and studied her.  Silently, of course.  She so obviously needed the space to breathe and to just be.  The pressure of the fishbowl was coursing out of her but she kept it so very well hidden.  A guard approached to ask the Inquisitor something and as he did so, I watched as she stood up, her posture upright and her face serious, and looked him in the eye.  After he had finished, she thanked him warmly, laying a gentle hand on his upper arm.  The look on his face at her graceful gesture was one of shock and pride, and he flashed his eyes up to her as his mouth fell a little open.  

"Thank you, Inquisitor.  I'll do what you suggest.  Right away!" he sputtered as he turned to walk away quickly, eager to do his leader's bidding and to please her.

She watched him leave as a sad mistiness filled her eyes and a forlorn smile tugged at her mouth.  Maybe she hadn't noticed but she was rubbing the mark with the thumb of the other hand.  An absent gesture learned as a comforting habit.  Her focus seemed to wane for a moment as she mused other things before she drew herself out of her thoughts and turned to smile at me.

All this I watched with great interest.  The woman was fraying around the edges but Maker, she was strong.  Physically she looked agile and dextrous but not strong.  Mentally, though, she was fearsome.  She simply refused to give in.  Again a runner approached her, almost apologetically, but with elegance and charm, the Inquisitor welcomed the servant to her, talking to the elf as a friend would.  Another facet of her wonderful personality. When this one had gone though, she slunk down onto the bench again and leaned her tired body back against the stone wall.  Closing her eyes, she groaned and sat there silently for a few moments.  She needed someone to talk to.

"Inquisitor ..." I started.  
"Eleanor." she interrupted softly without even opening her eyes.  
"Pardon me?"  
"My name is Eleanor." she looked at me and said, her eyes begging for the freedom of a simple name.  "Please, for this moment, let me be her.  Not the Inquisitor."  
"Okay.  Eleanor, all I was going to ask is this.  Are you about to break?"

I had only meant it as a simple question but as she looked at me, the mental struggle that she faced every day broke out of every pore.  Her eyes were wide and held the first flashes of fear.

"When do you ever take time for yourself?" I prompted gently.  
"When I get the time."  
"Which is never, am I right?"

With a desolate smile, she laughed softly through her nose and nodded her head.  

"You understand though.  Surely?" she asked.  I presumed she wanted me to answer but some part of me knew she just needed to say it out loud.  
"Oh, more than you know." I moved to sit next to her on the bench before confiding in her. "One occasion, we had travelled to the Wounded Coast - that's just outside Kirkwall - where we had to explore a cave and kill a Varterral.  Now you'd have thought that you explore one cave system, you've explored them all but no.  This one was particularly damp and gruesome to travel through.  We killed it and returned, fighting creatures along the way back as well.  I struggled back into the city, only to have what was effectively a summons placed into my hands to go and see the Viscount to deal with a certain matter.  Three days I had stayed awake.   _Three days_.  But still there were things to do, that demanded attention.  I had to do it, sleep be fucked, so I did it.  In the end, Fenris had to pick me up to put me into bed and stand guard at the door to make sure I wasn't disturbed.  I slept for thirteen hours.  Straight."  
"He stayed guard?"  
"The entire time." I smiled.  "You have a good team around you, Eleanor, but you don't know that you are about to collapse.  You can't recognise it because you're too involved." I told her with a nod to her hand.  She reactively scrunched up her fist, determined to protect the mark on her palm, bringing it close to her chest and almost hugging her forearm.  Guiltily though, she looked at me as I watched her arm muscles slowly unclench.  Her instincts had been to withdraw but her rational mind was taking over.

"Do you want to see it?"  
"Only if you want to show me."

Slowly she turned her palm around, almost begging pardon, faltering as she did so before finally showing me for the first time the faintly glowing green scar.    It was endlessly fascinating.  It ran across her hand, a brilliant green jade hue with the flickers of luminescence weaving in and out.  It was a gateway, silently pulling the mind in and forcing those who looked upon it to become entranced.  My eyes began to burn and I realised they were dry.  I could not blink.  Noiseless voices called to me from beyond, dragging me slowly down; slowly, gently, inescapably...

 _... I will meet you here - I am waiting ..._  

A man's voice called to me, directly.  It dragged my soul towards it and I felt a passenger in my own slow demise.  I screamed inside my head to be stopped. 

Eleanor snapped her hands shut and I pulled back, dragging breath into my breaking lungs.  My heart rate was rocketing and it pounded inside my chest erratically.  Maker, what had I just seen?  I slunk back to lean on the wall, desperately trying to leech the cold sensation and cling on to the real world.

"They haunt my dreams, the voices do." she explained patiently.  
"How ... do ...?"  
"How can I stand it?" she asked.  I nodded.  "I just do.  There is no explanation.  I didn't choose this life, it was thrust upon me.  I have a purpose, I have a power, but I have a curse as well."  
"Can't you escape it?"  
"Can you escape your beating heart?"

I stopped and stared into the distance as I listened to that very organ shakily start to return to normal.

"Maker, Eleanor, how do you deal with it?"  
"I listen to my friends, I watch them argue, I watch them laugh, I watch their petty little squabbles, and I take joy in them.  I cannot have that interaction.  At all."  
"But why not?"  
"Does the Champion of Kirkwall not understand anything I have said?  This is not my life any more.  I am not Eleanor Trevelyan, I am the Inquisitor.  This title - this mark has forced that on me.  I cannot be anything other than what the Maker wants me to be.  I am the only one who can seal the rifts.  Whatever life I want, I cannot have.  This mark has my life and will one day claim it permanently."

I sat silently as I let the weight of the words sink into me.  She knew she was going to die.  What could I say to help her?

"I understand.  You have a purpose.  Out of anyone, I understand that.  I will not stop you, but having come through it and come out the other side, you cannot do it alone."  
"I am not alone.  I have my friends.  I have you, I hope.  All I need is understanding from those around me, and their support.  I seem to have that in spades." she smiled up at me sorrowfully.

I held her eyes directly.

"You need a release."  
"What was your release?" she retorted quickly.  
"Killing." I spat.

The truth had slipped from my mouth before I knew what I had said.  My eyes blinked several times as I tried to reel back from what I had just told her.  Had I really been that person that needed to slay those before me?  Eleanor looked up at me shocked.

"What I meant to say is that it seemed to be the only way that I could release the rage.  The anger ..."   I paused, knowing what I needed to say but not quite managing it.  "The anger of everyone relying on me and not thinking for themselves.  Why was it me?  Why did I have to be the one to deal with all the shit?  Why?"  
"But you escaped that, you built yourself a life.  How?"  
"I found someone to share it with.  Someone who understood my pain." was the simple reply.  
"Fenris?"  
"You cannot know the depths of agony that man has been through, and continues to go through.  But he and I need each other.  We survive, together, but only because we truly understand what the other is.  For six years I was a slave to the people of Kirkwall, never physically chained but unable to escape their needs." I watched as I saw her slowly nod her head.  "Is there really no-one for you with whom you can share your pain?"

For a moment, she looked at me and I saw through the bullshit to the frightened woman underneath.  The fragile layers that she had so tenaciously erected around her opened for a brief second and I saw the answer in her eyes.  There was.  But before she could respond, those prison walls closed around her heart rendering her flat and emotionless once again.  She turned and stared at the parapet wall across the walkway from where she was sat.

"I envy you." she said after a while.  "You have that release."  
"A blade or an answering heart.  That is all you need to survive.  Trust me." my voice whispered to her.

A cough came from nearby.  Eleanor seemed to take it in her stride and looked to where another servant waited with a folded report.  Taking it with a gracious thanks, she slid a finger under the wax seal and pulled it open.  Her practiced eyes skimmed the words enclosed and she sighed.

"Tell Josephine I will come directly, and to recall the War Council."  
"They are waiting in the Council chamber, your Grace."  
"Thank you then.  I will be there soon."

A silent nod was all she received before the runner turned and went back to the main building.

"Another matter has arisen.  We cannot go to Crestwood tomorrow morning."  
"Why?" I cried instinctively.  
"Something has come up." the hard voice of the Inquisitor had taken over, not the soft and enquiring tones of Eleanor.  The veil was up and the title had taken control.  I accepted the change, knowing how difficult it was to escape it.  "We will go tomorrow afternoon instead, possibly later."  
"With your Grace's permission, I would like to go ahead.  Stroud will be waiting for me.  I cannot let him down."  
"You have waited weeks to go, surely hours will not make a difference?"  
"If it did do, I would never forgive myself."

With all the earnest endeavour I could muster, my eyes implored her to accept.  I knew I would go with or without her help but it would certainly be easier with it.  Finally she relented.

"Go when you want then.  Now if you wished.  You will need a mage to teleport you there."  
"May I ask Dorian?"  
"Of course.  I will take Solas.  You will be transported to a camp we have set up.  Leave a marker on a map as to where we can find you and we will come."  
"Thank you, Eleanor."  
"Thank you, Champion."

With that, the closeness of the previous conversation was over.  She had not meant to be rude and dismissive but the mask was up.  It was the barrier she needed not to fall apart, the crutch that she clung to.  I had employed it, never allowing too many near but those in my most inner circle.  Eleanor rose and walked down the stairs without a goodbye or looking back at me.  She was the Inquisitor now.

As I watched after her, I thought about my own experiences over the years since I had left Ferelden.  Leaving Lothering had thrust me into adulthood rudely and I had emerged far stronger, but far more jaded, than my mother would have wished.  The years in Kirkwall had certainly hardened me to a lot of things.  It had shocked me how quickly I had turned to the answer when Eleanor had asked me what my release had been.  I should have been horrified but it was the truth.  The rage simply stopped when I killed.  Could I still do that now I was to be a mother?  Fenris hadn't let me fight properly so I couldn't test that theory.  Secretly though, I knew it would help.  In a dark,  _dark_ way I knew it would help alleviate the pain of being so very isolated. 

Without knowing how, as I sat there, my mind wandered back perversely to the voice I had heard calling to me from the Inquisitor's palm.  It was a brief moment I had with him but a connection, unspoken and unsought, had been made.  Over and over I played the words back in my head, trying to make sense of them.

"He is the man that never was, never meant to be, but still is."

This time my eyes shot to the familiar voice and I saw the same dank hair, the same sorrowful eyes that I had seen in the forest.  He knelt alongside the wall, looking up at me through his blonde fringe.

"Scratching, so much scratching in my stomach." he muttered as his arms wrapped around his lower abdomen.  "Why is that?"  
"I don't know." I breathed.  A strange sensation was running through me and instinctively I curled up, knowing he was talking about me.    
"He waits, the man.  But he has waited before."  
"Who is he?" I demanded but kept my voice quiet.  I did not want to disturb this strange little creature who seemed able to read thoughts.  
"No-one. Yet all around.  Pounding now, pounding in here."

Pain seemed to riddle his face as his pointed fingers jabbed at his chest. His face contorted and he looked confused.

"Are you okay?" I asked, feeling myself becoming agitated.

I could hear footsteps on the stone staircase nearby.  My practiced ear knew the footfall before my elf even alighted at the top but my rogue's training flashed my eyes to where the new sounds came from.  Even before I returned my gaze to where the mysterious creature had been, I knew it was an empty gesture.  He had gone.  What was his message, and why so vague? And why the hell would he not stay put?

"Hawke?" Fenris called out, his eyes searching along the walkway before they alighted on me.  "It is cold.  Why are you still out here?"

I hadn't even noticed the shadow of the night fall over me as I had sat there on the citadel walls. He walked over, pulling a long coat off his shoulders and immediately going to wrap it round mine.  I gently refused it and he quietly slipped it back over his own body.  A soft growl was all I heard and I knew he was tenderly berating me for being foolish.

"Many, many reasons, my love." I sighed as the weight of the world around me settled on my mind.  "Come, let us to bed.  There is an early start tomorrow and a lot to do."


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke, Fenris and Dorian move through Crestwood to try and find the Warden contact. However, there are problems along the way. Most notably from the Champion herself...

I stood with Dorian and Fenris and watched as the mysterious blond boy that had haunted me shuffled closer to where we stood. It was early in the morning and the ground mist still clung to the shadows where the weak sun couldn't get it. My breath came out in defined, ghostly draughts and I pulled closer into my clothes, my face burying into the neck of my coat. Bouncing back and forth between the balls of my feet, I tried to keep moving to make sure blood flowed around my feet and hands and kept me warm. Shivering slightly, I glanced over at Fenris and watched as he regarded the new man with a great deal of suspicion.

"Ah, Cole. Thank you for joining us on this fine morning." Dorian spoke out to the creature.   _So, that was his name.  What Varric had said about him made sense._ "How are you today?"  
"I waited for the night to pass and arrived at this morning." he said, almost brightly for how I had come to know him.  
"And the cryptic responses continue.  Good, good." Dorian said quietly to himself before speaking up.  "So, are we ready to go?  Two warriors, a dashing mage and ... Cole's talents.  Muscles and brains - a glorious mix." 

I nodded to the mage, eager to begin and get to Stroud.  Fenris muttered something under his breath in Tevene before he heard Dorian snort.  

"Dear boy, don't forget it is my tongue too.  And what a good tongue it is." he said smartly, catching Fenris' eye and winking again.  A devilish smile made the mage's eyes light up and I could see the impish needling he was aching to do as he looked at my husband's discomfort.  A wry smirk twisted my mouth but I kept it firmly hidden inside the coat where I had hidden my chin to keep it warm.

"Have you teleported before?" Dorian looked at me and asked, still evidently amused.  
"Yes." I answered honestly.  
"Since ... ?" he asked directly, keeping my eyes locked.  The heat started to warm my cheeks as the colour rushed to my face.  No words escaped me and I simply shook my head.  "Well, there shouldn't be any difference.  A minor thrumming around the ears.  Maybe."

Beads of light started to swirl on the floor around our feet before lifting and rising to encircle us.  These beads seemed almost alive, trailing light behind them as they lifted further and further up into the air, spinning about the four of us and keeping us locked together.  More and more rose from the ground to join them and before long we were encased in a wall of light.  A deep hum could be heard along with a soft whooshing from the flecks of animate light that spun and spun around us.  

My ears were burning and I forced my eyes shut.  Along with the racing thrums of deep sound that were more felt than heard, a speckled feeling was slowly travelling up my legs.  This was not how I had teleported before and I fought to keep the anxiety down.  As the prickly sensation rose up my legs, a sense of disorientation started to swell in me.  This was definitely not right.  I reached out for Fenris' hand to steady myself but before I could, my body felt as if it had lifted off the ground to fly on the wind.  We shot through the air, riding on the currents that raced ahead of us.  It was too fast to try and make sense of it all.  There was only the loose sense that my body was corporeal any more but there was no real way to be sure.  As a ball would travel if it were rushed through the heavens with the winds of the Maker behind it, we dipped and surged, flying against the clouds.  I tried to look around but I could no more have kept track of where I was than keep the zephyr in my fingers.

With a thump, we alighted in a dark and dismal place.  It was almost the complete opposite to the freedom I had just experienced.  A crack of lightning lit the sky as the torrent of rain announced itself by immediately assaulted my clothes, my face, my hair.  Almost instantly, I was spitting out water as a hurl of water borne by a gust of boisterous wind broke upon us.  But none of this mattered as I could feel the familiar ringing in my ears.  Stepping back a few paces, the disorientation took my balance and I fought to keep myself upright.  Fenris' hand had instantly clutched my arm to keep me from falling but as an instinctive reaction it was only good for an immediate save.  A nearby fence stopped me from falling further and as I gripped it tightly, I leaned over before feeling the usual warning signs.  With a lurch, I threw up the good breakfast I had eaten that very morning.  Hearing it splatter against the cold, wet grass, I felt sick again and could smell the sweet and vinegary smell of the vomit rising from the ground.  This churned my stomach further and I heaved another load onto the floor.  It felt like it was over but I swayed a little, my fingers not letting go of the the fence as I tried to stop my head from spinning.

A kindly hand, strange because of the cold rain, was lain on my shoulder.  Almost immediately, the buzzing from my head seemed to slip away into the storm that blew all around us.  The nausea settled and I felt brighter, warmer, almost human.  Despite the wetness running down my neck and my face, a tenderness seeped about my system. I looked up, expecting to see Dorian standing over me, only to look into the watery eyes of the ghostly figure of Cole.  His eyes searched mine.  There was curiosity there but maybe, behind everything, I could sense compassion too.  Where his hands lay on my shoulder, a fire felt like it was burning and I pulled away.  His face registered the move but he looked to feel it as if I had rejected him.

"She needs me, the little hawk.  You need me.  Not like the tiger but more like the kitten.  Helping.  Helping is what I do."

Pulling away, he turned to melt into the grey sky and the rain, walking away from us and looking about him as if the storm wasn't blowing.  Fenris handed me a canteen and I took a drag, swilling it about my mouth to get rid of the sour taste, before spitting it on the floor.  I stared after Cole and watched him with a growing interest.  He spoke in such cryptic sentences that it was obvious he wasn't altogether of this plane.  There was a distance about him.  I liked the boy but it was as if I liked a rose with its thorns.  I could appreciate its beauty, knew what a rare gift it was, but if I tried to grip it, tried to understand it more, I was likely to get hurt.

"Dorian, what the fuck did you do?" I breathed with a smile at last, turning from the ghost to the mage.  
"I have been told this is normal with a lady," he dropped his voice to a whisper, "in your condition."  
"I have no 'condition' for I am not ill." I said forcefully, instantly regretting the tone and looking up at him for forgiveness.  He graciously nodded.  "I know not when the sickness is going to hit.  I have never teleported to that reaction though.  It seemed a little ... extreme."  
"It could be a minor side effect of the little Hawkling.  I will take it into account in future."  
"I appreciate it."

Fenris stood nearby and his angrily apprehensive eyes begged to know if I was alright.  I nodded as I took another draught from the water canteen.

"Ser Pavus, this is a surprise.  I was told the Inquisitor was coming." a new voice called out from the rain.

Looking over, I saw a dwarf clad in the armour of the Inquisition.  She stared up at the tall mage, her mouth firmly pressed closed but her eyes bright.

"Scout Harding, always a pleasure to meet you." he smiled.  
"Thank you, Ser.  As with you."  
"What is your report?"  
"It's a wild place, Crestwood.  Even for you, Ser Pavus." she flirted boldly, to which Dorian let out a brash laugh.  
"Even for me, eh?  Just why is it so wild then?  And so bloody wet?"  
"I don't know about the weather.  Ever since we got here, the rain's been kicking up a damned treat.  Can't seem to settle on anything nice.  A storm is all it seems the skies can manage round here."  
"Yes.  Evidently." he smirked.  
"There are also - I don't know how to say this without sounding odd - _undead_ crawling out of the lake." she explained as she turned to look out into the grey murky day.  

Through the hills and trees that were slick and silver with rain, I could see all the way to where a vast expanse of water heaved and rolled ominously.  There, at the centre, sat a storm.  At least, it looked like a storm.  A great, grey cloud billowed and roiled, illuminated from within by a jade green furnace.  From this distance, I couldn't make out any details but it was vastly concerning.

"Undead?  Really?" Dorian asked excitedly.  He stood a little taller as he stared in the direction that she was facing.  
"They rarely make it up here, more attack the village than shuffle past it up to us.  They've been hit hard though.  You might want to be careful."  
"Well, thank you.  I'll keep that in mind." he said as he smiled flirtatiously down at the pint-sized ball of cute hardness.  "Well, Messere Hawke, what do you want to do?"  
"Have you got a map?" I asked the scout who directed me over to a nearby large canopy that held the rain off of a couple of tables. On one stretched a large skin of paper and on it a map of the local area, incomplete but good enough to see where I was going.  A couple of moments was all I needed. "There," I said, pressing my finger into a corner of the paper, "there is where we will find him."  
"My dearest Harding, be so good as to tell the Inquisitor when she arrives that we have gone on ahead.  We have gone ... scouting." he beamed.  The dwarf rolled her eyes at the poor attempt at a joke and smiled good-naturedly.  
"That was bad but yes, I will inform her.  Be careful out there."  
"We will." he told her.  "Best foot forward.  Let us go."  
"What about ..." I started, conscious that I was forgetting the other that had travelled with us already. It was embarrassing but the more I thought on it, the more I realised that I just couldn't remember him.  
"Cole?" Dorian supplied to which I nodded. "Cole will do what Cole wants to do.  Best leave him to it."

With a nod to the scout, we left the camp and set off down a wide, rocky path.  It was not as slippy as I thought the rain would have made it and the rubble made it easy for my feet to gain purchase.  We walked quickly but still too slow for my liking.  The path dipped up and down and slipped between silvery rocks and slick grasses.  The countryside around us disappeared into a constant stream of drizzle.  From the occasional flashes of lightning that illuminated the dark morning sky, I could see that it was a very craggy terrain and certainly not flat.  Tall rock buttes proudly jutted out from the softer slopes, like guards watching over the hoard.  We followed the road for a while before coming across a small hamlet of isolated and abandoned looking buildings.  Broken walls of tumbled down stone lined the track we followed and it wasn't long before I could sense something was amiss.  We came to a stop as we stared out across a mass of small gardening plots to the village gate beyond.  Creatures moved and drifted around the entrance to the village.  Smalls fires could be seen burning and I noticed with a mounting dread that there weren't any villagers or guards trying to fight back.

"Undead." I warned, quickly unsheathing the blades from my back.  
"Shades too." Fenris agreed and I heard the familiar ring of his large broadsword being unsheathed from the strapping on his back.  
"Marvellous." murmured Dorian with a grin.  

I ran low along the road, trying to keep below the line of the crumbling walls.  I knew the undead would sense us before long but until then I wanted to take every advantage that I could.  The walls stopped and with a cry we ran towards the enemy across a flat meeting area, dodging the fires and closing in on the enemy. With a soulless moan, they turned to us.  The undead corpses started to shamble our way but the Shade drifted malevolently near the back.

"Hawke, stay behind me." Fenris ordered.  
"Like fuck I will." I snarled as the first of my blades sunk into the fetid flesh of the undead.

The smell of undead, rotting and putrifying underwater for an age, battered my nose and without warning, a spew of vomit shot out of my mouth.  My mouth sneered at the rank taste that seared my tongue.  I had no time for niceties and the back of my hand across my cursing mouth was all I could do before swinging the blades again, taking a rotting arm off at the elbow.  With a rancid pop, my blades dislodged the joint and it dropped to the floor, watery blood splashing onto the ground below.

"Hawke, for the love of fuck, would you stop  _fighting!_ " roared Fenris, swinging the sword through the body of a corpse.  
"Rather agree with the young chap, darling.  Frantic exercise is not going to help keep the little hawkling in the nest." shouted Dorian, in between grunts as he tried to stave off the wild arms of an undead swordsmen, expertly deflecting the blade with his own daggers.  "Why won't you just bend to me?" he spat in frustration at the creature, locking the blades and pushing the corpse back with a cry.  
"Anna, please!" Fenris shouted, stepping in front of me and driving me backwards, keeping himself pointed towards the fight.  Both undead were down now yet the Shade still lingered malevolently in the corner.  As soon as my husband pushed me a little distance away, he turned to me and placed a hand on the back of my neck.  I could see in his eyes the intense worry that he had.  "Your pride be damned but I cannot think about you falling right now.  And I cannot think about you losing this child.  Stay back here.  For me."

His eyes sought mine and with a defeated nod I stepped back, my fingers nimbly rearranging my blades in my hand to be thrown rather than jabbed.  If any of the undead came near Fenris, they would not last long.  I knew how good a shot I could be.  Gratitude flooded his eyes before he ran back to the fight, straight to the Shade in the corner who flared up and lashed out with those deadly talons.  Countless times I had fought these fell beasts and I knew how quick their reflexes could be.  In my heart, I knew I couldn't have lasted there.  I had to stop thinking like the Champion of Kirkwall and start thinking properly about the life that grew in me.  I knew the answer before I even realised.  There was just no possibility of me fighting at close quarter any more.

Dorian had sheathed the knives and stood, ready to pounce, with his staff as it pulsed with a glowing light.  He spun and I could see the trail of power warp and weave through the air.  A bolt of purple energy flew out of the end and arced through the dark air, hitting the Shade and crumpling it for a moment.  In a show of weakness and pain, it threw its arms up before lashing out at Fenris.  My reflexes were still on edge as I watched him dance and dip under the flailing limbs.  An upwards swing bit into the torso of the beast but like always, there was no blood and gore, just a crackle and flash of dark magic that licked through from beyond the Veil.

A moan grew from nearby and I turned to see another undead shuffling towards the fight.  I launched the dagger across the field and saw it embed itself into the temple of the undead. It fell to the floor and spasmed for a while before stilling.  A grin of victory lifted my face; I was still useful in this skirmish.

"Just ... die!" cried Dorian as purple energy split the sky, piercing the Shade with a crushing surge of power.  With a silent scream, it threw up its hands and sunk into the ground, gnashing and wailing as it did so.

An eery silence filled the air around us and I saw Fenris look around for more enemies before walking over quickly towards me.

"Are you okay?" he demanded.  
"Yes, Fenris.  I'm okay.  Pissed off that you sidelined me for that, though!" I snapped, eyeballing him wildly.  Even if I agreed with him, I couldn't bring myself to outwardly say it.  Now I had the time, I pulled a cloth from my pocket and wiped the vomit from my face.  I seethed with irritation though.  
"I can cope with that.  I will not have you risk your life again, nor that of the baby."

He held my eye for the longest time.  Only I would have been able to see the desperation he had there.  To anyone else, it would have been a seething canvas of anger and glowering, but to me I could see past that.  Past the outward bluff to the core of him, to the softer protective side.  He was frightened.  I couldn't help but fold.

"Okay." I acquiesced.  
"Well, my two lovebirds, are we all sorted?" Dorian asked, strolling up to where we stood as if nothing had happened.  "These foul beasts are not coming back any time soon, but the lake is nearby and we did cause quite a stir.  Something to which I am accustomed, granted, but we should move swiftly."  
"Agreed."

Sturdy houses and public buildings stood as a silent guard against the onslaught of the rain and the creatures coming in from the lake.  The architecture seemed to be stout and functional with minimal decorations, the occasional wooden carving or painting being the only thing I could see.  There were a few buildings with artistic merit and they stood out against the dreary, rain-slicked wooden boardings.  There was no-one that we saw, aside from the odd guard patrol that stood in twos and threes, shivering in the cold rain that never seemed to stop.  Faces quickly disappeared from the shadows of boarded up windows back into the warm, dry lodges.  

Before long, we had passed through the village.  The road took us twisting and turning through more hills, past boulders the size of houses, and around wet and slick woods.  It was more than two hours later before we walked down a slope towards what looked like a lake, the marks of rain dancing and blowing across the surface.  Beyond, I could just about see imposing cliffs of sandstone that fell threateningly into the water.  If I could remember the map correctly, we were in the right place.  To the left of us, the hills fell in ugly, boulder strewn waves as they tumbled down towards the water.  The cave had to be there.  Walking over, with the rain running down my neck and my coat starting to soak through to the layers underneath, we trudged towards it and indeed saw the opening to a cave.  I tiredly put one foot in front of another.  I had felt a wave of fatigue threatening to take over but I couldn't do it, couldn't let it win just yet.  I had to see this through.  

"Careful." Dorian's voice warned as we approached it.  He nodded to the black banner that hung from the roof of the entrance.  "Blind men.  Nasty sort."  
"And they are ... ?" I asked, picking up on the caution quickly.  
"Smugglers, or were.  I say we proceed with care."  
"Agreed.  Let us go on."

I felt the familiar leather of the grip of my daggers slide into my hands.  It was almost as if I felt at home exploring the caves but I knew from countless experience that no cave came empty of enemies.  My palms twitched to hold the daggers that felt so natural there.  Both Dorian and I started a careful walk forward.

"No." called out Fenris, causing us both to turn around.  He looked me deep in the eye and for a while, just stood there, not speaking. "Hawke, don't think I can't tell."  
"What?  What are you talking about?"  
"You are exhausted.  You need to rest."  
"Don't tell me what to do, Fenris." I said, alarmed at him and feeling anger rise with every moment.  
" _Fasta vass_ , woman, I am not telling you what to do." he snapped.  "But look at you.  Sit.  Just for a moment."

Even though rage surged through me as the imposition of my husband at such a moment, rationality took over and I knew he was only trying to protect me.  In front of someone else though, that would be dealt with later; privately and angrily.  My body held me rigid for a moment and the indecision caught me.  I was trembling and I could not tell whether that was from the fatigue or the anger.

"Will people stop treating like some weeping maid? I hold a baby, not the plague. I am perfectly capable of carrying on." I shouted.  
"No, the Champion of Kirkwall could have carried on but she was not pregnant!" growled Fenris.  
"I can do this, Fenris! This baby will not stop me."  
"You forget that it is my baby too. And I will look after the mother, even if the mother will not look after herself!" he shouted.

My jaw hurt from where I was gritting my teeth. He was right but my pride would not let me recognise it.

"If it makes you feel better, I will scout the cave and report back." Dorian suggested, softly laying a hand on me.

I felt a weary sense of lethargy flood my system and my legs simply could not hold me up any more.  Falling back against the dry wall of the tunnel, just inside the cave, I slunk to the floor.

"What ... have you ... done?" I mewled as my eyelids felt immediately heavy.  
"I have not put you to sleep, so fear not.  I have taken away the fight and the aggression.  That is all.  This is you now.  This is how tired you are.  And he is right, you need to rest."  
"No." came the feeble protest.  "The Inquisitor ..."  
"She will never know.  We will wake you before she even sees you are not standing tall and waiting for her." Dorian explained.

I was not about to say but at that moment, my heart was filled with such appreciation and love for both the Tevinters that stood near me.  One had no right to need to do this, he was just proving himself to be a caring and wonderful man.  The other?  He was making sure that the love of his life was the best that she could be. Damn them both.

"Amata," called my husband softly, dropping to his knees and running a loving hand over my cheek, "I will protect you.  I will stay right here."  
"Fenris?" I said , already feeling myself drifting into light sleep as my eyes shut.  
"Yes?" he said, removing the coat that he had been wearing and folding it up, placing it on the floor of the cave.  
"I hate you for this."

The soft laugh through his nose was all I heard as I lay down, finding that soft coat that smelled of my husband, and fell into a deep sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke learns of the plans resulting from her meeting with Stroud.

"The Western Approach, Fenris.  The _Western fucking Approach_." I spat, feeling the bitter words turn over and over in my mouth like the vilest cud.  
"It is folly to venture there." he agreed darkly.

I didn't even have to face him to know that he wore a look of care, blacker than any I had seen on him in a while.  I perched on a barrel in the courtyard at Skyhold, my back to a wall and bathed in the weak sunshine of midday.  We had arrived back last night but the Inquisitor and her followers had stayed on.  Fade rifts had been appearing everywhere at Crestwood and she had stayed to close some of them.  Before I could even offer to help, Dorian had interjected and spoken to Eleanor to arrange taking me back.  Maker knows what he had said as he had drawn closer to her and spoken in quiet tones.  I thought I could trust him and had held my breath whilst he had exchanged quiet whispers, occasionally throwing glances over to me.  Without meaning to, I could feel my shoulders rising and my lips hurt from where I pressed them together so hard.  Control of information was such a vital part to my survival that when someone whom I knew held my secrets then went and did something that threatened my command of it, it made me shake with fear and rage.  Paranoid, I stared at them until I saw the Inquisitor nod her head silently and Dorian left to return to me.

"Relax, dear Hawke." he soothed as he approached.  "I excused us as I pretended _I_ was the one feeling peaky.  Took one on the chin for you so you owe me.  I do not like letting others see my weaknesses for they are few and far between."  
"You could easily have left us here though.  She would have accepted that." I asked, feeling the familiar swirls of mistrust heaving around my system.  I shook myself out of them though.  My gut instincts had told me to trust this man, and I knew to listen to them.  He had, after all, just lied for me.  
"The more people are in a party when it transports, the more power is used.  Unless you want Solas to collapse when he returns to Skyhold, asking him to teleport all of us minus myself would be a tad too much."  
"I see.  I thank you."  
"Pity that you understand.  I wanted to see whether the elf could have managed it.  Doubt it, of course."

He had stayed with us long enough to see me safely to our chambers, whereupon I crawled onto the bed and passed out with exhaustion.  Fenris explained the next morning that he hadn't even bothered undressing or moving me, such was the deep sleep I had fallen into.  When I awoke the next morning, he was already awake and waiting in an armchair for me.  Breakfast sat on a table nearby, half eaten and cold.  I stumbled to the curtains and pulled them open before retreating sharply back into the comforts of the dark room.  The sun was blindingly brilliant and my eyes rang with a dazzling pain from the light.  Feeling my way back to the bed, I sat down on the edge with a thump and massaged my eyes.

"Breakfast was brought in an hour ago but I saw no use in waking you.  You slept almost ten hours last night.  You obviously need the sleep." came the report.  
"Urgh, this is a parasite, not a child." I moaned, still rubbing my eyes and willing a headache not to start.  It was more to myself than anything and I thought I had said it quietly enough.  The low growl told me otherwise.  
"It is not some worm that has invaded your gut, Hawke.  It is a baby."  
"Robbing me of my strength and forcing me to be sick?  Tell me how this is not an illness." I remonstrated facetiously, trying to find the humour in the situation.  
"You bark at others when they even joke it is a sickness, yet you call it that privately?" Fenris asked, a hint of laughter creeping into his voice.

I smiled as I walked over to the bowl to freshen up.  The breakfast was cold and the meat beginning to congeal in its own fats.  One glance told me to seek out other repast so we dressed quickly and left to find something.  The crisp mountain air welcomed me into the late morning as we opened the door to our tower and emerged into the bright sunshine.  Now I was more awake, my mind didn't retract at the brilliance.  Instead, I inhaled deeply and felt a smile bend my mouth upwards.  A weak breeze was wending its way about the castle walls but all it could do was idly lift the small pennants that sat atop the less grand poles that stood on the walls.  The larger, heavier ones didn't even register that there was a wind, save for the occasional depleted shuffle.

We descended the stairs into the upper courtyard and headed over to the inn, a tavern that served only those at the citadel.  A wonderfully vibrant place at night but now was almost empty.  The air was still stale from the previous night as we walked in to try and find some kind of meal for me.  Here and there, servants moved around; one to open windows whilst others washed with mop and bucket.  Evidently they had only just arrived to see to the cleaning.  They were more than happy to bring us some bread and cheese from their kitchens, and before long a fairly handsome plate of food was sat in front of me with a mug of hot coffee.  A butter dish with knife was also presented and it was rare that I found myself ravenous instead of nauseous.  Heartily the food was set about and before long only crumbs were left.  The coffee was wonderfully invigorating and my eyes smiled as I sipped it slowly.  Glancing at my husband, I could see the worry starting to ease off his face as he watched me eat and drink with strength.  I knew he watched what I ate, only to make sure I was looking after myself.  

"Did anyone visit the room last night after we arrived back?" I asked as I relaxed now my belly was full.  
"No."  
"Has the Inquisitor arrived back yet?"  
"I know not, Hawke, for I have stayed at your side." he smiled.  With a warm glance, I thanked him silently.  
"Excuse me?" I called out to a passing castlehand.  With a smile, they came straight over.  "Is the Inquisitor back yet from Crestwood?"  
"Half an hour ago, I believe.  They went straight into the council chambers.  The Inquisitor appeared in the lower courtyard and walked straight up.  I happened to be looking out of the window as she walked past.  Almost immediately, I heard the bell that sounds out when she needs to summon a council meeting."  
"There are different announcements?" I had heard bells chiming around the castle but not known what they were for.  
"Oh yes.  You have to recognise ones that apply to you, emergency ones I mean, and you soon get to learn the others.  I saw Messere Rutherford almost running up the steps moments later."  
"And that was half an hour ago?"  
"Yes."  
"Thank you."

With a bob of the head, the servant continued on her way.

"An emergency meeting then.  Stroud's news perhaps?" Fenris asked, his reticence to be subtle rankling with me.  
"Let us not talk of that here." I said as I rose and lifted my coffee to take it outside.  Nodding my head, I indicated the door.  

The food had been admirable in the tavern but I could not stand the smell of the ale any more.  Too much had been spilled on the floor last night and dry whispers of it rose off the ground as the cleaners mopped and shined the inn.  I needed the fresh air as much as the privacy that outside afforded the two of us.  I had found the barrel upon which I now sat quite easily.  As I sat, Stroud's words turned over and over in my mind.  The Calling?  If he was right, and Corypheus was manipulating all Wardens across Thedas into believing they were about to die, it was serious indeed.  I gritted my teeth against the rising tide of bile and hatred of what that creature was wreaking in the world, and that led inevitably inwards.  Once again, guilt flooded me as I thought of yet another way my blood and birthright would haunt me forever.  My face ducked towards the ground and I took a brief moment to compose myself, willing my anger to flood into the ground.  I heard my husband move from one foot to the other, ans could guess he was watching me intently, but Fenris knew better than to try anything cloyingly twee to lift my spirits.

"From what I can gather, they have a presence in the area." his deep voiced explained.  "But it is only a fledgling exploration."  
"Who would want to explore that Maker-forsaken place unless they had to?"

I shuddered, despite the sunshine that fell on my face.  Warm fingers of sunlight brushed against my face but the strength was weak and the breeze that ambled about robbed my skin of any heat it bestowed.  My eyes drifted shut as Stroud's words drifted through my mind again.  Pulsing anger at myself and at the entity that was Corypheus spread like a malignance through my body.  

_... not long after, every Warden in Orlais began to hear the Calling ..._

Now the Grey Wardens were added to the bottom of a long list of Corypheus' victims.  Another reason for him to burn in the depths of the Void.  And for me to make sure I killed him, properly this time.  Looking back at my husband, I saw him leaning back against the wall of the inn, shaded by a tree.  I smiled forlornly.  Trust my elf to find a shadow to hide in.

"Do you really think that Corypheus can command all the Wardens, Fenris?"  
"It certainly looks that way.  The  _maleficar_ has a dark talent for bending fate to his will."  
"Maybe it is only kept locally.  What if it is only those Wardens in Orlais?"  
"Maybe, but is evil kept within borders?"

Silently I shook my head and raised my eyes upwards, feeling my mind ticking over, buzzing from one subject to the next.  Looking up the stairs that climbed towards the main hall, I wondered what the council was discussing.

"I wonder if they need me in there." I asked, leaning forward and gazing up at the impressive edifice.  

Within it the beating heart of the Inquisition bled skill and leadership into every part of the fledgling nation state, and here I sat, only a minor limb.   _I_ , the Champion of Kirkwall, the very person who the Seekers had tried to find to lead this operation in the first place.   _I_ , who had fought that fell beast hand to hand and lived to tell the tale.  I had been reduced to the sidelines. Nothing.  No-one.  I stared at my feet as I contemplated that place my pride had brought me to.  Shame burned in me that I was sat on the outside, not inside and running the show.

"Hawke." Fenris said suddenly, straightening as he looked up towards the door.  His stern tone lifted my eyes upwards and I saw Cullen emerge from inside and walk down the stairs, taking two at a time to reach the bottom.  As he alighted into the courtyard, for one small moment he met my eye.  From the set of his shoulders and the hardened stare, I knew the news was serious.  He almost looked like he wanted to say something and for a split second, the words were on the tip of his tongue but they died there.  His determined stride had barely even faltered before he walked off towards his tower.  He barked a quick order to the air and was immediately joined by two sergeant-at-arms, who within moments peeled off and went running in different directions with smart nods and grim faces.

"Stay here." I called to Fenris as I hopped down from the barrel and started to run after the soldier.  
"Hawke, what are you doing?" he hissed, catching my arm and forcing me to turn back to him.  
"I need to go and talk to him.  To Cullen.  I have to know what the plans are." I implored.

Fenris' eyes flashed to the stairs leading up to the tower where Cullen held his office, and to the man who dashed up those steps.  His mouth pressed together and he nodded silently as he released my arm.  Within moments, I was bounding upwards, hardly aware of my body's limitations.  My knuckles rapped smartly on the door to Cullen's study.

"Enter!" came the cry.

With a creak, I opened the handle and walked straight in.  Although I had often seen the tower from the outside, in the short time I had been within Skyhold, I had never entered it.  I had never dared.  From the first meeting outside the War Council chamber, Cullen had seemed distant with me.  This time I was determined to confront him.  I had to know what had been decided about the Western Approach.  A large room, tall and sturdy, was what greeted me.  Bare stone rose to meet the ceiling in a functional way, drab and dreary.  Bookcases were dotted about here and there and held books that I imagine held less than enthralling subject matters.  He stood behind a large and practical desk, hands gripping the side and staring at papers in front of him.  A soldier stood next to him, placing parchments in front of him to study and talking about important matters.  Cullen nodded along seriously every now and again.  When he looked up and saw me standing there, he took a deep breath before standing and dismissing the man.  A quick snap of command echoed off the bare walls as the soldier had delayed slightly, silently confused as to why he was being dismissed in favour of me. Once we were alone, he turned to talk.

"Do you think we shall ever return to Ferelden, you or I? Permanently, I mean. More than on an operation anyway." he asked, an unsure smile telling me he was nervous as he sorted through papers.  
"I don't know.  I would like that someday.  Would you?"  
"Very much so." he sighed, before picking up papers and pulling open a drawer in his desk. I imagined he would just drop them in and turn back to me but he didn't. Instead he stared at whatever was held within.  For the longest time, he just stared at the contents, his eyes burning intently.  His forehead trembled with confusion, knotting and unknotting, drawing and relaxing, before he slammed the drawer shut with a violent bang.  When he looked up at me, he was composed and peaceful.  Forced maybe, but there was no aggression there and he smiled distractedly.  
"Are you okay?" I asked slowly, moving further into the room and letting my hands drop from the door.  I heard it swing shut with a loud click but paid it no mind.  
"There are matters I deal with on a day-to-day basis that are so mundane, so trivial, they sometimes make me want to hurl books across the room.  But I don't." he smirked, a half-laugh dying on his lips before continuing solemnly.  "Today is not one of those days."  
"What has the council decided?" I pressed softly.  I didn't want to harry him but I needed to know.  
"We are to journey to the Western Approach.  Tomorrow." he returned sharply.  He spoke in a business-like tone of voice, one a commander of a sizeable army would use.  
"Tomorrow?" I cried, starting forward.  "Why? Why not now? Right away!"  
"Because such an operation requires the attention of the whole citadel.  Every single post and person will have something to contribute.  Some skill, however small ..." he said as he grabbed a piece of paper off the desk before absently letting it drop back to the table, not even having read it.  He  turned to the window near where he had been standing.  
"Talk to me." I said, approaching the desk finally and seeing that his eyes held a pain I had not noticed when I had talked to him before.  "You and I fought side-by-side in Kirkwall.  That surely allows me a little confidence?"  
"You ... have to understand ... " he said, jittering the words out in mumbled sentences.  Slowly I walked around the side of the table, drawing closer to him.  More and more I could see from the pallor of his skin to the way his eyes flashed to mine, that this was not the man I had known in Kirkwall.  
"Cullen," I asked, gently touching his arm, "are you alright?"

Instantly he recoiled from where my fingertips had grazed his arm, his eyes closing, twisting together. Slowly his brow knitted with an evident pain, and his face paled for a moment.

"Things are happening in my life, at the moment, that are ... difficult, to say the least. And you?  You ... you remind me of a time, when I was not myself." he confessed as his low voice whispered shakily. Staring to the side of me and past the floor, it was clear to me, so transparently clear, what was happening.  Cullen was a man wracked by hideous demons.  Whatever beat at his heart and made him bend to its will, it held him so tightly.  Was it guilt?  Love?  Whatever it was, it was merciless.  

"Do you still blame yourself for what happened in Kirkwall?" I whispered, hardly daring to believe that it could control him still in this way.  

It was all in the look that he shot at me.  In one simple glance, I could see that part of his pain was that guilt.  After all this time, he still could not understand his time in Kirkwall had been redeemed, been merciful. He still saw himself as the enemy, and my heart broke for him.

"Seeing you the other day made me remember those times, those ... dark times in Kirkwall.  What I did to that Circle ... "   
"You rescued those mages, Cullen!" I grabbed him by the arms but an instinctive reaction beat aside my grip easily.  I stepped back but still could not stop myself from remonstrating with him.  I needed to make him see that he was a good man.  "Meredith would have enacted the fucking  _Rite of Annulment_ had we not stopped her!  Had you not made the right choice, when it counted, lots of good people - innocents - would have _died_."

He let out a shaky breath as he looked out of the window.  My eyes were wide with passion and I pressed my lips together to stop myself saying more.  I knew his problems of the past were not all responsible for his current trouble, but I wanted to help him.  The lead lattices were not what he focused on.  

"You are a good man, Cullen, whatever you are telling yourself right now.  I know not what is troubling you, or what stresses you are facing, but they are not worth losing sight of who you are.  Do not blame yourself for things in the past."

He looked at me then, out of the corner of his eyes.  A world weary smile lifted the half of his mouth nearest to me before he inhaled, regaining some composure and bringing his shoulders up a little more.  His brow showed a little more relaxation but the face stayed solemn.  I marked it as a victory. The door opened suddenly and I whipped my eyes up to see who had interrupted us.  The fresh face of the Inquisitor looked back at us, embarrassed that she had broken in on our conversation.  A flush crept up her face as her eyes hurried between both myself and the commander.

"Inquisitor, what can I do for you?" a warm voice spoke out beside me.  A marked contrast, I noted, and looked to his face.  It was possible that there was a little more colour in him, a little more light in his eyes, but I could have been mistaken.  
"Only a matter of business.  I can come back?" she offered politely.  I held up a hand with a gracious smile.  
"Please.  I was just leaving."  
"Messere Hawke, have you been informed of the plans?" she asked.  I nodded.  
"I know the basics.  We leave tomorrow for the Western Approach."  
"I wish we could go sooner but quite rightly, for something of this size, we need a little more planning.  The enemy seems to be entrenched quite heavily."

Besides me, I heard sounds of approval. As I looked up, I could see that Cullen barely looked away from the woman.  No, I had not been mistaken.  He wore a look of implacable servitude and honour but it was in the unwavering nature of his eyes that the truth sang out.  A smirk almost lifted my mouth before I packed it away, along with the information that could be so keenly felt between these two.

"Then I will leave you two to plan some more." I said as I walked towards the door, passing the Inquisitor and watching a faint blush tinge her cheeks as she caught my eye quickly.  
"Tomorrow."

I left behind the tower study and walked out into the bright sunshine.  As I descended the steps, I thought on what we had to do.  Tomorrow we would venture into the Western Approach, a place so barren and so evil that darkspawn roamed the sands at night.  I had never been to it, nor had I wanted to.  It was a place of such renowned desperation and desolate waste that I could feel the sense of foreboding rising within me.  Once it had seized me, I couldn't shake it.  As I crossed the courtyard, I saw Fenris waiting for me, talking to Varric.  I looked at him, smiling and talking about something, and my breath caught in my throat.  It was fear, I knew it was, as I kept walking - fear that we would be travelling to such a place.  But it was another kind of fear that made me feel especially weak.

Fear that I might not make it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next one will have disgustingly adorable fluff and feelings in it. Because after that, of course ...


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the eve of the big operation into the Western Approach, important scenes from Hawke's life revisit her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the fans of this story. *Love* you guys. These scenes are as important for me as for you and I'm really happy to share them with you. I make no apologies for the rampant fluff in this scene :)

_I had never seen Fenris nervous._

_I had seen him during the height of battle, wielding his longsword like the smiting hand of the Maker.  Fighting our way through Kirkwall had shown me what he was made of.  Even at that peak of endurance, when all about him looked like it would fall, when all those about him were bleeding, when I was on my last legs and I had turned to him to reach for his hand before I fell, I had never seen him nervous.  He had always been the epitome of calm.  Raging, terrifying, predatory composure, but calm nonetheless.  Like the hand of an executioner waiting to fall, he knew his role in the killing all around him._

_But nerves?  No._

_However, as I watched him pace back and forth in front of the small hall on the outskirts of Dairsmuid, waiting in the dusk of the day, I could tell that he was tense.  The black frock coat he wore fitted his slender form and I marvelled that his small band of friends had managed to find something so exquisite and so tailored for this occasion.  Silver embroidery wove up and down the edging , leaving the plain black material to shine.  A high collar was luminescent with more silver threading but it was nothing compared to fine skin of the elf that wore it.  Black trousers and waistcoat sat on top of a crisp white shirt and made him look regal.  His shock of white hair once again refused to fall into obeyance and it tumbled with a casual handsomeness the way it usually did.  I smiled as I felt the fizzing energy in my stomach.  His green eyes were riddled with impatience as he stopped to talk to a friend who teased him and laughed at the very unusual state he was in._

_Looking at him pacing and waiting for me, I could feel tears of joy prick at my eyes.  The love of my life waited so close to me, waiting to see me, waiting to be with me.  Across the small road, I gazed through the curtains out onto the street.  My own friends had secreted me away in the building opposite and he had no idea where I waited.  Maybe he thought I would ride in on a white horse, or a silver carriage, or on the back of a simple farm cart.  But no, I would walk there.  As simply as I had arrived in Kirkwall, I would walk to meet my fate._

_This had been arranged in the utmost secrecy.  The Templars still hunted us, still fought through the streets of the city Fenris and I had come to love, just to find us.  We would be leaving in a few days but as a last gift to those who had supported us, Fenris and I had decided to seal our lives together officially in front of our friends.  Only seven would be present.  Fenris and his two friends, me and my two friends, and the hedge mage who would officiate.  There was no way that we could let more people know what we planned to do.  There had been too much sadness and too much betrayal to let others know.  We had fought that morning, we would more than likely fight tomorrow, but we had insisted that now would be the time and Dairsmuid would be the place.  We would not let the Chantry take that from us._ _As I thought back over our lives together,_ _I realised that I had been through too much to be sour in my life now.  Not today.  I refused.  Refused to be anything other than ecstatic._

_It was my wedding day._

_"Are you ready?" a small, excited voice to my side said._

_I fought to keep the smile from breaking my face.  Hansa, my dearest friend and the mage whom I had rescued first when I came to the city, looked to me with eyes that shone.  The dress of white silk that I had been given to wear flowed with the liquid sound of beauty, wrapping around my legs as I moved to stand behind the door.  The veil of Orlesian lace that had been smuggled in was placed over my face by my other maid Tia but not before I reached up under it to wipe away a tear that had beaded on my eye.  My heart raced away with me and I ached to be next to him, before circumstances could crash in on us and change our story.  The longer I stayed behind the door, the longer fate had to arrange some horrific mischance that would stop me marrying Fenris.  With a deep breath, I nodded._

_Tia whispered some unknown spell and I felt arcana rushing before me as would a wind blow.  As the doors were opened revealing me to him, I gasped.  Weaving underfoot in tendrils of silver and moonlight, a path led me across the small space that separated my mirror heart from me.  Hanging in the air, diamond sparkles shimmered and burst, lighting my way.   At the other end of the magical pathway, I saw Fenris.  He appeared as at the end of a tunnel, a look of joy dancing over his face.  Our eyes locked and I saw nothing else.  Nothing else mattered.  A haze of glimmering light was in my peripheral vision as I became overcome with emotion.  Inertia took me and it was a while I stood there, before a hand  from behind pushed me with a soft giggle and I walked the short distance to be with him._

_As I drew closer to him, I saw him lift his hand and turn it to me, open and empty.  Trembling, my fingers slipped into his and I knew he was there.  Up until then, I had hardly dared to believe it was actually happening.  So much pain and blood had soaked our time together that I was more than ready to believe that this delightful moment, this bliss, was nothing but a dream._

_"I take your hand in mine." he said, his deep voice rich with euphoria as his gaze searched my soul.  The words were the first of a traditional greeting we had heard on our travels around Thedas.  Our words to each other on our wedding day would reflect our time spent travelling, rescuing the mages and slaves we could.  I could hear the muted squeals of delight from Hansa but I could do nothing to tear my eyes away from the green loveliness in front of me._

_"I take your hand in mine." I repeated back to him, my own voice little more than a whisper._

_With a smile, he lifted my fingers lovingly to his lips and pressed his mouth to them._

_"Anna Sophia Hawke, would you allow me to lead you into this hall, and in front of our friends, marry you?" came the loving question, another verse but this time from the Rivaini ceremonial book.  A fitting tribute to our home for the past few years._

_At this question, one I had never known how much I wanted to hear until now, my heart felt like it would rip itself apart with love.  A smile beamed out of my face as I gazed up at my husband-to-be._

_"I will."_

 

* * *

 

_Again._

_I had to go through this procedure again.  After all this time, with the pain of the last mischance, I had to endure visiting the mage that Frederick had told us was sympathetic to our cause.  Back in Kirkwall, it would have been easy.  I would have walked the distance to Darktown and sat down on one of Anders' waiting blocks.  He would have told me within moments.  Maybe he wouldn't have even made me walk to him.  We would have shared the information and he would have brought the necessary herbs to me in Hightown.  But no, I had to make my way across Llomeryn during the night.  Through streets aching with a dark need to relieve me of my purse or my life, past taverns that were little more than pits of greed and immorality, and along alleyways where shadows held secrets no mortal man should know.  This den of thieves was my temporary home on my way to finding Varric.  The letter was tucked inside a pocket close to my heart.  Its subject matter was shocking indeed but my mission this night was of more importance than the events that grew out of the Frostback Mountains._

_We found the place eventually and my nose turned up at the smell of rank blood and faecal pestilence._

_"This place?  Really?" I asked Frederick in horror and felt my hands grip my blades.  Fenris made noises like he was readying to pounce on prey, a deep growl that rang out a warning to enemies in the area.  
_ _"Go in.  You will see." he said mysteriously from beneath the thick hood that hid his face.  "I have to return to the bakery, before Rowis burns the place down."_

_He held no love for his servant but the boy was good and true, and faithful to the mage cause.  With a grim smile, he turned and disappeared into the night._

_We entered the building and I gritted my teeth against what I might find in there.  A small room, rancid with musty air, greeted us and I locked eyes with a Qunari guard that sat slumped against one wall.  Nodding to him silently, a look of malevolent desire deep in my eyes to warn him, he broke a small grin and bent his head towards a plain door he sat beside._

_"Enter." he commanded. "You are expected."  
_ _"I will wait here for you, Anna." Fenris told me._

_The use of my first name told me how worried he was.  Nerves grew in my own stomach because of it.  He knew that I would want him to stay here with the guard, and I knew he would want to stay within sight of the Qunari.  With a smile, he nodded to where my daggers still sat in their holsters.  He knew I could take care of myself, violently and loudly, should anything be in there I disapproved of.  A small kiss was given before I turned to the door._

_As I pushed it open, immediately upon the moment I passed the threshold, the smell ceased and the room that greeted me was warm and well-lit.  A man sat next to a small writing desk, scribbling away in a book of unknown information.  He wore clothes of a dull purple leather that had an air of functionality about them, as evidenced by the beaten, pitted nature of the material.  He was a small, thin man with wild hair and a bright look as he turned to look at me.  Upon his face sat a look that could only be from one in the presence of a long-expected guest._

_"Messere Hawke, it is an honour to open my doors to you." he smiled brightly.  "What you have done ..."_

_He wore a look I had seen a lot on my travels, that of a person approaching worship.  It made me uncomfortable in the extreme.  These people expected me to be nine foot high and able to wield the Maker's holy blades without breaking a sweat.  They never expected me to be what I was; a woman who had seen injustice and done something about it._

_"I have done only what was expected of a decent Theodosian, Ser Nikol." I patiently explained, using words I had repeated countless times.  I deflected his adulation aside.  "_ _Your quarters?  It smells so rancid from the outside.  But in here is so pleasant"_  
_"My dear Hawke, most people are stupid.  They need only to smell something foul for their poor minds to say that what lurks inside is not for seeking.  It is a simple spell to deter the curious and the dumb."_  
_"Did Frederick explain what we wanted?"  
__"Not exactly.  He said you had a stomach complaint."_

_I smiled._

_"Is that all he said?" I prodded dangerously, using the voice I reserved for interrogating slavers._  
_"Yes." he replied, confusion creasing his brow.  "I promise.  By Andraste's blood, I know not the real reason you're here.  Though I suspected it wouldn't be as simple as a stomach complaint."_  
_"It is of the utmost importance that this conversation remain within these walls, Nikol." I stated, sitting down upon the chair he had shown me._  
_"Ah," he smiled privately, "I understand.  You are not the first lady to visit me with a similar need.  You wonder whether you are with child?"_  
_"My moonflow has stopped, by over a week and this is unusual for me.  Most unusual."_  
_"There are spells I could use which I may yet do but at this early stage, it is best to use the old methods.  Have you been told of this?"_  
_"Yes." I replied as pain began to flood my voice._  
_"You have been pregnant before then?"_  
_"Yes.  It was unsuccessful." I said with gritted teeth.  A smile of kind sympathy spread across his face, fatherly and compassionate._  
_"It has no bearing on now, in my experience.  Let me have a moment to gather what I need."_

_From the dusty shelves around his office, he busied himself.  Dried herbs were plucked from bunches that hung from the low ceiling and stoppered bottles were gathered, clinking together as he jostled around the room.  Before long he had the necessary equipment for telling me what I needed to know and set everything down on his table._

_A clear jar was opened and into it was poured a clear, slightly viscous, water.  Other things were added but I paid no attention.  Nerves were singing cruel songs into my stomach and I fidgeted on my seat.  I had been pregnant before and it had been my life.  I had been filled with a wonder as I waited to see the life that grew within me.  However, Andraste had decided it was not meant to be.  One morning, I had awoken to find my thighs slick with a sticky blood and my stomach cramping with unimaginable pain.  It had not taken long for a mage to tell me what I dreaded hearing._

_"May I?" Nikol asked, brutally bringing me out of those most awful memories._

_Refocusing, I could see that he held a small needle and wore a patient smile.  I knew what he needed.  My forefinger was held out and I winced when he pricked it, squeezing the pad to bead the blood.  A small crimson drop broke the surface of the skin and slowly he turned my finger over and held it above the jar._ _With baited breath, I watched the drop of blood fall from my finger into the glass jar that the mage cradled under it.  What colour would the liquid turn?_

_"Green for pregnant, clear for no baby." Nikol reminded me, his voice low and full of anticipation._

_I could hardly believe how hard my heart was beating inside my chest.  A clamminess started as I watched the red blood swirl around the liquid, uncertain which way I even wanted it turn.  But I knew really.  Deep within me I knew which way I wanted the test to go.  Before long I had my answer._

_"Well, now you know." the mage said, looking up at me, wondering what I was going to do next.  My mind was losing focus.  Was that answer really what I wanted?  Shakily I stood with mounting emotion, knowing I needed to talk to my husband before I collapsed under the strain.  This was too much.  I couldn't deal with it.  My hands felt the way back along the wall to the door and a clammy hand grasped the handle.  Pulling it open, I walked forward into the waiting area, dumbfounded by what had just happened and staring into the air._

_"Hawke?" Fenris' worried voice called out as he walked over to me quickly.  A gentle finger lifted my chin and he searched my eyes rapidly.  "What did you find out?"_

_My throat had gone dry but as I looked up at him, I smiled.  Two strong, warm arms wrapped tightly around me before I knew what was happening and I felt his face bury into my neck.  The squeeze of his arms told me silently all I needed to know. He was ecstatic._

_We would be parents._

 

* * *

 

It was past two in the morning when I half woke to find the bed empty beside me.  Sleepily I raised my head from the pillow and looked into the black room beyond the bed.  A dull glow from the fire lit the chairs in relief and I saw that one had been turned to face the subdued flames.

"Fenris?" I called out with a croaky voice.  "What are you doing?"

There was no reply but I knew he was there.  I could hear the soft breathing and as I sat up I could see his feet beneath the chair.  I pulled a robe around myself as I rose from the bed to go and find him.  The floor was cold underneath, despite the heavy velvet curtains keeping the wind out and the fire to heat the room.  I supposed that in the mountains it was always likely to be cold.  I had resigned myself to that.  Drawing closer to the fireplace, my feet sunk into the deep carpet that guarded it.  Slowly I sat down on one of the other chairs and looked to see Fenris leaning forward on his elbows, staring at the red scarf I had given him long ago.  A small bottle of wine sat uncorked on a table next to him.

"What is it, amatus?" I asked softly, bringing my knees up and wrapping them under me.

He took a deep breath in, keeping his eyes on the red piece of cloth that meant so much to him.  Silence followed a long slow exhalation.  The dying embers from the fire spat and crackled, the last remnants of burnable matter crumbling into the orange glow.  Even that interruption faded into the nothingness that was the quiet room.  Eventually he brought his wonderful, deep jade eyes up to mine.  A cavernous void of sorrow waited there and it near broke me.

"Tomorrow." was the only word he muttered.  
"Will be what it will be." I soothed.  
"Why do I feel like it will be more, Anna?" he demanded, not angry but desperate for answers.  I had none to give him.  
"It is unlike any place we have been to - this is true - but we have faced dangers beyond numbers, Fenris.  You and I have survived them all."  
"I know this, but still I cannot help but think that maybe ..."  
"Maybe this time is it?" came the incredulous answer.  
"What if I can't defend you?" he asked, before picking up the bottle and drinking deeply from it before setting it back down.  Memories of his Hightown mansion flashed before my eyes.  "What ... what if I _lose_ you?"  
"You won't ever lose me, Fenris.  Ever.  The Maker could no more rip me from your side than ... than take the air itself." I implored.  
"I love you, Anna." he said, locking eyes with me again.  "You are my _wife_ , the mother of my child-to-be.  I beg you to reconsider."  
"It is impossible, my love.  I must go there.  You know I must."

For a moment, I wondered about my answer.  Yes, I had said to the Inquisitor that I would but did they need me?   _Really_ need me?  Now they had the information out of Stroud, I was superfluous, surely?  I could stay in this room with Fenris and wait for them to return.  One less fighter wouldn't make a difference.  But I knew that was wrong.  The ache in my chest told me so.  I had to go, had to see this through.  Fenris knew it and so did I.  There was no way I could abandon them now.  

In a moment of loving abandon, I climbed down from my seat and walked the few steps to his chair.  In the privacy of our own room, I could be as doting and earnest as I wanted to be.  Beyond the door, in the guise of the Champion of Kirkwall, I had to remain aloof.  I had to show that the Killer who had walked the streets of that fleapit city and waged war against the merciless bastards of the Templar Order, well she was still in me.  Here though, my husband needed me for support.  I lifted his hands and sat down sideways upon his lap, forcing him to sit back and curling up against him, kissing his cheek lovingly.  His arms encircled me almost immediately.

"Amatus meium cordum, you will never be separated from me." I said devotedly, fearing to show him how my heart was breaking.  How could I tell him that these were my fears also?  The Western Approach may have been bad, but it was no worse than we had faced before.  However, over the past day, in my sleep and in my broken dreams, the same desperate fears had captured me.  I could not shake those worries off.  "I will never be the death of you, Fenris.  I love you too much to die and be apart from you.  Even Andraste herself could not command me to stay away from you."

My fingers sought his face and I turned him to face me.  His face was inches from mine.  The sweet smell of the wine lingered on his breath as I felt the hot air from his mouth tingle against my lips.  Swiftly I kissed him.  His lips were warm and soft, and full of the promises of all those times he had told me he loved me.  Maybe there was desperation in there but I could hardly allay my own fears, let alone his.  I felt his kisses deepen, turning not to raging passions but deeper than that.  Desire and love and yearning need were what I could taste now; a keen ache to be part of me.  This was different to how we usually slept together as man and wife but here, in this room, with our thoughts on the inevitability of tomorrow, it was just what we needed.

Rising from the chair, I took his hand and gently led him to the bed.  As I stood next to it, I took the red scarf, the potent symbol of my love for him, and pressed it to my lips, feeling tears beginning to form on my eyelids.  If this was the last time we would be together, I needed him to know just what he meant to me.  It wasn't going to be in rampant fucking.  No, it would be in the way we made love and in that intimacy that only we experienced.  It would be in the words we used, words that only he and I knew.  It would be in the way I held him, ran my fingers over his body, called his name into the night, and then lay in his arms.

I loved Fenris.

Whatever tomorrow may bring, tonight he would know that.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke meets Livius Erimond for the first time and naturally tries to kill him.

"We, the Venatori, will be his god-kings here in this world."

Wow, I wanted to kill him. That smarmy little _fuck_ who was pacing back and forward like the world was about to fall into his grasp.  Lord Livius Erimond.  Even the name made my teeth hurt from clenching my jaw.  The styled and waxed moustache, the clothes that he wore, the slicked back hair - my fingers were beginning to hurt as I gripped my blades tighter and tighter.  My knuckles were burning but I could not see that as a problem through the fury that was coursing through my body.

I could see Varric's grip twist tighter around Bianca, leather gloves straining and creaking with rage.  I wasn't the only one who was beginning to loath this man.  A heated whisper found its way to my ears.  "Please let me kill him."   
"Not before me, dwarf." Fenris snarled.  
"And you two will have to run if you think you can beat my blades." I growled, malice burning out of every pore.

Before I had left Skyhold, the armourers had fitted me out with knives and a harness that could be worn under my coat.  The leather strapping was made of such supple and young skin, it felt like silk as it was slid on.  Throwing knives were the only things that would satisfy Fenris when it came to me fighting.  I had once flirted with the idea of a bow and arrow and had become quite good at it, but to rely on it in battle I was nowhere near the level of skill I would need to have.  But knives?  Oh, they slid into my hands quite beautifully.  My own blades for close quarter combat were strapped to my back.  There was no way I was leaving those behind.  I had promised Fenris that I would not seek out a fight, and I would honour that.  However, if someone did slip past the protective sword of my husband, then I was not about to leave myself open to attack.  I eyed up the Grey Wardens who were left behind, and the demons who floated malevolently near to their symbiants.  They looked ready to fight.

Ahead of me, Eleanor's body language told me another story to mine, although I didn't quite believe the one I was seeing.  She stood calmly, regarding Erimond with a cool fascination.  Her shoulders sloped downwards, almost relaxed, and her arms hung by her side.  I knew she wore a back-harness for her daggers but I could see the weapons firmly ensconced in their sheaths.  How curious.  She wasn't gearing up for a fight as far as I could tell.  I would gladly take all the rage for her.

"Release the Wardens from the binding and surrender.  I won't ask twice."

I smiled darkly.  The woman was magical.  No outward worry or malice but as soon as she opened her mouth, the waves of contempt and cool authority flowed out of her.  Many was the time I had wished that I could have kept the heat in me inside when dealing with people, the way she did, but I could never be that impassive.  It was all in her voice for her body had not changed.  Just calm, controlled strength that was not to be disagreed with.

"No.  You won't." the little prick called.

Two blades flitted into my fingers and I wound up my body to throw them.  His arm shot out and before we knew what had happened, red lightning had engulfed his arm, sparking and spitting with a scarlet evil.  With a pained grunt, Eleanor bent over forward and grasped her marked hand to her body.  She twisted in pain and collapsed forward onto the floor.  Growling, I tried to throw the knife but it stuck to my hand.  Dark forces kept my blades locked to my body as he spoke to Eleanor.  Beside me, I could hear the curses spitting forth from Varric as he shook Bianca.  Fenris snapped and snarled as his feet stayed locked to the floor.  Glancing around, I could see that every single one of us was locked and prevented from firing back at the Tevinter magister.  Try as I might, I could not make my blades fly, nor could anyone of us attack.

But the Inquisitor would not be beaten.  Pushing herself up from the floor, she winced once and held her hand to the green chasm that had opened in front of her, separating the little shit Erimond from any of us, from any of our retribution.  Now I could see the anger that could flow from her.  It was unleashed in a torrent of jade green lightning and with a wrench, she yanked her hand back.  Thunder cracked through the air.  My ears hurt with the sound but I stayed tall.  At once, the rift that had opened was sealed with an explosion of her energy, pulling the evil from the very air and taking it into her.  I could feel a release and in the corner of my eyes, I could see Fenris stumble forward a little, such had been the desire to slice the magister in half.  It had bottled up inside of him and when released had sent him pitching forward.

Erimond flew backwards and crashed onto the stone flags, clutching his hand.  "Kill them!" he cried, as he sprinted off further into the castle. 

All around me, people exploded against the enemy.  The familiar twang of Varric's crossbow flashed around the castle walls and I saw bolts protuding from the neck of one of the possessed Wardens.  Flames erupted in a ball of orange fury as magic shattered one of the demons who wailed and screamed, before Blackwall's sword passed through the roiling body.  Again he swung the weapon with a loud cry.  A demonic scream pierced our ears as again he pressed his attack and found his quarry.  However, the demon swiped quickly at the dancing Warden and its claws caught the bearded man on the side of the head, sending him sprawling backwards.  He clutched his jaw with a furious groan.  Pulling his hand from his face to look disbelievingly at the blood on his fingers, he shouted obscenities before running back with a swing that was brought down to bear on the demon.  It was teamed with a quick succession of stabs from Eleanor.  Neat but devastating jabs that launched her daggers into the ethereal flesh of the demon. 

Fenris had run towards a possessed Warden and, before even blinking, taken the man's shoulder off with an upwards swing.  The colour drained from the soldier's face as he dropped to the floor, screaming and rolling in agony and slipping in the blood that pumped from his hideous open wound.  Fenris had turned quickly and slammed the side of his blade into the chest of another Warden who had tried clumsily to attack him with an overhead sword, leaving his body open.  The man turned and stared slack-jawed at Fenris before looking down to the metal buried into his lungs.  Fenris pushed the corpse off with his boot before turning to see where the next threat was.

A demon had somehow pushed Dorian into a corner.  I launched two daggers through the air in rapid succession and saw them cut deeply into the back of the beast.  It roared and its hands flailed up to try to rip them from its back.  Using the distraction, Dorian launched a volley of purple bolts that cut deeply into the belly of the demon.  Each one caused it to take a step back until finally it was itself cornered.  Another of my blades found the side of its head and a volley of bolts from Bianca found its face.  It sank screaming into the ground.

With a shudder, I realised the air had gone quiet, save from the dying groans of a Grey Warden.  Quickly, I walked over to the man, sliding out one of my daggers as I went.

"Where has he gone?!?" I yelled, grabbing his collars and yanking his head up, the tip of my blade pressed into his chin and perilously close to puncturing his skin.  He looked up at me with the paling eyes of a man close to death.  
"Nothing you can do now could come close to the Calling.  Erimond saved us."  
"You fool!  Erimond is a monster!  Your brothers - they are all going to die, unless we stop them!  Don't you care about them?!"  
"They wouldn't ... the darksp ... "

With a throaty gargle, the Warden died.  Frustrated, I flung his body back down to the ground and ran my hand through my hair, desperate to think of a way to track him.  The magister was working for Corypheus.  Find him and we would find the  _maleficar_ that we had sought all this time.  I stood up and strode quickly to where Eleanor waited, panting after the sudden combat.  Stroud caught my eye, his own darkly gleaming as we both acknowledged the other's frustration.

"They refuse to listen to reason." I spat.  
"You were correct.  Through their ritual, the mages are slaves to Corypheus." Stroud said.  
"And the Warden Warriors? Of course!  Sacrificed in the ritual.  What a waste!" I called out angrily.

I wanted to rage at the lot of them.  I wanted to scream that I had been right.  The whole bloody lot of them had been wrong.  If only we had left sooner, maybe we could have saved at least some of them.  The afraid boy that had been lost as we turned up.  Maybe we could have saved at least him.  Anger curled in my stomach and my nose flared with indignation.

"Human sacrifice.  Demon summoning.  Who looks at this and thinks its a good idea?" Eleanor said as she tried to soothe.  I knew she was trying to placate me, bring me down from my fury, but the heat still ran amok around my body.  
"The fearful and the foolish." 

The last word tripped out of me before I could stop it.  It was obvious how angry I was and it was wrong of me to take it out on Eleanor.  Inside I knew I was gunning for Erimond but he wasn't here.  Unfortunately that left her and the others in my wake.

Blood magic.  Always fucking everything up wherever it was.  Another shudder of anger rippled around me as I thought on the utter futility of the rituals.  Nothing good ever,  _ever,_ came out of using this dark power.  How did Clarel not see that she would not get the result she desired?  Grasping for the chance to do the right thing, she had been persuaded that the answer lay in fucking  _blood magic?_   I had witnessed a blood magic ritual first hand when Orsino had joined bodies together in the most gruesome of ways.  Nothing good had come of it then, nothing good could come of it now, and nothing good would come of it in the future.  I had long fought for the mages but these misfits that stooped so low, these malcreants, then they could burn in ruining it for the rest of them.  

"The Wardens were wrong, Hawke." Stroud's Orlesian voice said, raising me out of the red mist.  "But they had their reasons."  
"All blood mages do.  Everyone has a story to tell themselves to justify bad decisions ... and it never matters." I growled.  "In the end, you are always alone with your actions."

Stroud looked at me, a gaze full of understanding yet disappointment at my judgements.  He so wanted to defend his brethren but I could see it in his eyes that he knew they had failed the order.  Maybe it was the shame that his brothers had come so close but lost themselves at the last moment.  He sighed deeply before lifting his eyes to the Inquisitor.

"I believe I know where the Wardens are, your Worship.  Erimond fled in that direction." he explained, raising his hand and pointing towards the Abyssal Reach.  "There's an abandoned Warden fortress that way.  Adamant."

 _Of course!_ I thought as my head snapped to face that direction.  The Wardens could not have fled anywhere else, not in the Western Reach.  We needed to close in on this place right now!  I couldn't face the Inquisitor telling me no again.  Not this time, not when we were so close to finding this man, and through him Corypheus.

"I guess they didn't want to summon a demon army out in public." she laughed but the smirk came out flat.  It was plain to see to everyone that she was worried.  
"The Warden and I will scout out Adamant and confirm that the other wardens are there.  We'll meet you back at Skyhold." I stated boldly.

I met Stroud's eye and the most imperceptible nods moved his head.  He was with me.  I knew he would want this.  He would need to know if the others in his order were suffering.  If they were, they needed to be put out of their misery.  If they had indeed made the choice to accept demonic help, then they needed to be stopped.  We looked to Eleanor for the okay, but it was a formality more than anything.  I knew that I would be walking out of here towards Adamant to know what the enemy was like, whether she allowed it or not.  Erimond had to be stopped.  Almost wishing she hadn't done it, she gave her nod, signalling her assent.

Before she could change her mind, I turned on my heel and walked out of there.  Fenris fell into line behind me, almost as livid as I was that the Tevinter magister had managed to escape.  As I walked down the steps and across the stone bridge, I heard the loud steps of someone running after me.  Glancing back, I was pleased to see that Dorian had joined us.  I smiled and he looked my way with a confident grin.

"Well you could hardly do it without me.  You need someone to transport you back."  
"Thank you for volunteering."  
"Oh, I don't do it for you." he smirked, the look of a coiled viper flashing dangerously over his face.  "I look forward to holding that Venatori bastard's still beating heart in my hand."  His smile had gone and the steely look in his eyes was back.  I was glad to have him with us.  But he was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Erimond was mine.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and the group find a dangerous way into Adamant.

I leaned back against the bare rock and into the shadow.  It was midday in the Western Approach and all around me the ground disappeared into a muddling haze, shimmering illusions weaving into my head.  Rocks vanished into the wavering light that lay feet above the floor.  A bead of sweat broke on my neck and ran down between my shoulder blades, joining the moist layers of clothes that were soaked in sweat.  Dorian did what he could in keeping the air around us all cool and airy but he needed his reserves for the assault on Adamant later.  As such, we were left to stew in our own juices for a while.  It demanded no more than we were all willing to give.  Discomfort, I thought, was part of the job in a place like this.  

Fenris silently climbed down the rock that we stood behind.

"From what I can see, patrols walk the walls constantly.  This may mean there's no-one inside and they're _only_ on the battlements though."

My lips pursed as I tried to seek another option amid the sweltering heat.  If they were always on the walls, running to them was not an option.

We had spent most of the previous night sleeping in short bursts and travelling through the wilderness.  Only once were we set upon by bandits but they were swiftly dispatched.  Unprepared for foe that actually knew how to fight back, their corpses crumpled into the sand, bloodied and battered by our swords and daggers.  Twice we heard the malevolent wailing of the darkspawn.  It drifted over the dunes and around the sandstone outcrops of rock and sang darkly to us.  It hit Stroud the worst and made him drop to his knees, wincing in pain as he did so.  He was so close to Clarel, Erimond and the enchanted wardens that he walked with gritted teeth, pain lacing his eyes every time I looked at him.  He fought the yearning to go and join them but it was a hard battle.  Both times that we heard the wandering tune of black longing, he flinched at the dischordant harmonies and asked us, _begged_  us, to kill him if he looked like he would run to join them.  

Trekking through the desert and rocky valleys with its pillars of stone and wind-hewn cliffs had been physically exhausting and I had welcomed the simple shade of the rock where we now found ourselves.  Thankfully patrols had not seen us and the small bluff where we stood gave a good view of the flat sands all around us.  We had approached it with Adamant hidden from view and had kept a keen ear out for any approaching Wardens.  None had found us and we now waited as we tried to decide on the next plan of attack.

"Dorian, you know the Inquisitor.  How long will she take?  Should we go back now?" I asked, eyes drifting shut with tiredness.  I was also beginning to familiar threads of queasiness running through my stomach.  
"And tell her what?  That there is a castle sat on the edge of a yawning chasm?" he retorted sharply.  I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and blamed the brusqueness on the heat.  "We carry on until we can tell her something firm that she can use."  
"We either need to gather information or set something in motion that will help her when she arrives." Stroud stated perhaps a little obviously.  "If we are to take this fortress, it will be with siege weapons."  
"A siege?  Then the water supply would make sense, surely?" I suggested.  "We should find that and poison it."  
"If we were to sit in the desert and wait for them to perish, maybe, but I am afraid that we will not have that luxury." Dorian said irritably.  "I fear Erimond will want to speed his plan up, with a push from his dark master.  We have to go now!"  
"How?!  How do we do that?" I snapped back.   He remained silent, instead choosing to glare into the distance.  I knew that he wasn't angry at me but at the Venatori traitor who sat in the castle, just beyond our retribution.  I turned to talk to the whole group.  "You know the only way is my suggestion."  
"No." retorted Fenris immediately.  "It is not an option, Hawke."  
"Absolutely it is.  There is no other way into the fortress except through the weyrs."  
"That means scuttling down sheer faces of rock, my dear." Dorian argued.  
"Yes."  
"Which would be physically very strenuous ..." he said leadingly, looking me deep in the eye and pinning me to the spot.  
"I know the dangers. My body can take it." I said without thinking.

Beside me, Fenris growled quickly.  Meeting his face, he flashed his eyes to Stroud who mercifully had been staring around the rock at the fortress.  Shaking my head at the two men around me, I could feel my fists balling with anger.

"This is no more than travelling up to the Sundermount graveyard, Fenris.  I did it then and I'll do it now.  Climbed rings around the party, as I recall.  Scrabbling over boulders and climbing up rock faces - comes pretty easy to a sneaky fighter.  Especially one of my calibre."  
"No." he said.  
"Fine.  I'll just wait until your backs are turned and disappear."

The look of indignation that swept across his face was priceless.  I knew my ability to track and to fight whilst hidden stealthily were of awesome repute, and for good reason.  An enemy even of the Arishok's stature could be brought to bear if they had no idea where the attack was coming from.  I could drop into that shadow now if I wanted to and walk off, pick my own way down the rocks and find a way in.  However, I had not attempted anything even remotely like it since learning I was carrying a child.  I knew I could still change and morph into the darkness but for how long?  I was beyond tired at the moment and grasping at the last reserves of strength due to the sapping heat around me.  In the cool of the fissure, it would be far different but I had to get there first.  I played it straight now though and simply stared at those who stood there.

"I am right.  There is no other way in.  Once we are inside, we can find some wardens and take their uniforms.  That will make it easier but the first step is getting in."  
"Anna ..." Fenris said.  I turned to see him staring at me, a mixture of doleful and reproaching.    
"Fenris, this is what we need to do.  This is how we need to do this.  You can't protect me from everything.  It's only climbing."  

Reaching up to run my hand across his cheek, I knew his reticence was because he was only trying to protect me.  A part of me, a very independent part of me, bridled at the caging.  I could do this and I could do it well.  A deep and resigned sigh issued forth through his nose and he nodded slightly.

"At least let me scout out the way first.  Find a safer part to climb down?"  
"Of course."  
"Stroud, with me." he called, resignation heavy in his voice, and moved to peer round the rock.  Keeping low to the ground, he ran towards the rift, the warden following straight after.  I watched them go with my breath catching in my throat.  This whole operation was beyond dangerous, and stupid, and crazy, but we were in it now and there was nothing we could do about it.  We had to keep going and see it through.

I found a small rock to sit on in the shade of the overhang.  The boulders we were stood behind seemed as if they had been thrown there by giants, or maybe pushed upwards through the ground by monsters.  Between the two was a small gap through which we could see the majority of Adamant.  It provided us some scope to watch for incoming patrols.  Dorian stared through it now.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I leaned my head back.  
"Peachy." he spat through gritted teeth, keeping his eyes directly ahead.  
"Quite." I said as my eyes drifted shut.  I was not prepared to take on the mindset he had sunk into.

In amongst the plans to assault Adamant, in between the desperation for water, rippling through the righteous fury at what was happening to the Wardens with blood magic, was the small, quiet voice of my body.  It waited patiently but resolutely, like a poacher who was content to wait with the knowledge that its quarry would fall victim to it sooner or later.  I needed to listen to it but my pride shouted a lot louder.  I could climb down the rocks as I'd done it many, many times before.  However, at the back, as always, was the voice of doubt.  That scared me but I tried to ignore it.  With the hot winds and the dry air, plus the exhaustion of the day, I quickly fell into a light sleep.  It must have been some time later that I woke but at the touch of Dorian's hand on my shoulder, my head jerked up and I stared up at him, blinking rapidly.

"I'm afraid to say that you were snoring." he said with a soft and patient laugh.  "I didn't think you would want the enemy to know we were here."  
"I do not snore." I snapped irritably, riled but amused at why he had awoken me.  
"Okay then." he said as he turned back to watching through the crack in the rocks.  A disbelieving smile lifted the side of his lip and an eyebrow had arched.  It was obviously that he was sniggering inside and it vexed me greatly.  However, I had the opportunity to talk to him about something that had been troubling me.  Casting an eye about, I could see that my husband and Stroud had not made it back again.  I took Dorian's dispassion to mean that nothing serious had happened, or had troubled him.  If he was calm, I would be too.  And now was the perfect opportunity to talk about something that had been preying on my mind.

"Dorian ..."  
"Speaking."  
"I have to ask you something."  
"Go right ahead."  
"Do you think we will survive this?"  
"Yes."  
"How do you know this?"  
"I'm too beautiful to die young."  I laughed softly through my nose before a slight melancholy took me.  
"This battle is likely to go all shades of bad.  Much as I hate to admit it, there's a chance we won't make it out alive."  Dammit, why did tears have to sting my eyes right now?  My fists scrunched up in an effort to stop them.  "If we get to a situation where we have to get out fast, and you have to make a choice as to who to take, then you have to take him."  
"Take the elf?"  
"Yes.  You have to make that choice."

As I watched him stare at the gap in the rocks, eyes searching for the ever-feared Warden patrols, I saw him smile to himself.  There was the ghosts of memories on his face as he saw things that had gone before him.  I needed him to do this.  I needed to know that if forced into a corner, Fenris would be safe.  I could take care of myself.  Days on the streets of Kirkwall and Dairsmuid, and every Maker-forsaken place in between, had hardened me and I knew that I could look after myself.  However, there was still the smallest part of me that couldn't totally wrap safety around my husband.  My heart contracted when I thought of him in danger, even after seeing him amidst battle.  I knew he could fight but still my fraught heart pounded with worry when I thought of him in danger, and Adamant would be dripping in peril.  Yes, again the trill of worry rippled through my chest before I fought it down.

"You smile, Dorian.  What is there to smile about, I wonder?  In this of all places."  
"Do you think you love him more than he loves you?"

His question puzzled me for a moment.

"I know he loves me.  Why do you ask that?"  
"He asked me the same thing as you just have, _long_ before we left Skyhold.  Almost as soon as he knew I was a mage.  He sought me out and requested I 'look after you'.  I must say it was wonderful speaking in Tevene after all this time.  Brought back memories that were almost palatable."  
"Who will you choose?"  I could feel my spine tingling.  
"I'll tell you exactly the same thing as I told him.  I will take whoever is nearest, and that includes the Inquisitor.  Much as I have grown fond of you and your delicious elven husband, my soul lies with the young Trevelyan, I'm afraid."  
"But if it came down to a choice between the two of us, I need to know that you'll choose him."  Maker, this indecision from him was driving me crazy!  
"And he made me swear to choose you." he shrugged unapologetically.  "I can get one out quickly, plus myself, and I will choose the nearest."  
"But if we're standing side-by-side?  Dorian, please!" I near shouted.  Desperation was clouding my judgement.  "I can look after myself.  Take him!  Please!"  
"What is going on?" a familiar voice snarled, arriving quickly to our hideout.

Looking up, my eyes fell on the concerned and drawn face of Fenris.  Immediately his shoulders were hunched and his eyes darted from the mage to myself.  Barely contained growls rumbled from him as he stared at Dorian, eyes switching to me as he sought a quick reassurance.  Even after all this time, his mistrust of mages threw his rationality to the wall.  He had heard my worried tone and assumed the worst.

"He is not hurting me, Fenris.  You have no need to worry." I soothed, trying to still my own heart.

Once more, a wry smile ruffled Dorian's mouth as he turned away from us.

"What did you find out?" I asked my husband, deflecting his worried looks with a quick and silent shake of my head.  
"The Maker smiles upon us." Stroud declared with a look of hope.  "The Envers Mining Company have been less than perfect in their preparations for operating in this area.  Large coils of rope lay bundled ready for us to make our descent.  We have already found the best places to climb down the wall." he explained with a touch of tension in his voice.  "If we are to go, we go now."

I looked around at everyone, trying to assess the mood.  The same look was on all faces; a raging determination to see Erimond brought to task for what he had done to the Grey Wardens, and to stop Corypheus.  This dark army that he was trying to construct would not come to pass - we would all make sure that was so.  

A thrill suddenly ran through my stomach.  This was it, this was what I had missed; leading a group into the darkest parts of the world and emerging victorious.  There was no time to worry about what we would find once we had climbed down and we knew we had to do it.

"Our objective once we get in is to make it to the gate, to make it as easy as possible for the Inquisitor to lead the forces in.  To do this, we will naturally have to navigate the castle.  The quickest way to do this is stealth but you don't have the same abilities.  The next easiest way is to disguise ourselves as Grey Wardens.  Stroud naturally has the upper hand there.  Once we are down in the griffon weyrs, we will need to seek out an armoury."  
"Or find some enchanted Wardens?" Dorian suggested.  
"That is going to be the best way to get what we want.  We don't have time to find a stockroom full of spare uniforms.  After we are ready to move through the building, we will need to split up.  Fenris, any idea on patrol size on the walls from what you saw?"  
"Small groups.  Threes and fours."  
"Then we can chance staying together."  
"No." Stroud interjected.  "We need to split up and rendezvous at the gates.  Smaller parties will attract less attention."  
"And more likely to become a defeated target if they suspect anything.  Our strength is in our size." Fenris retorted.  "Divide and conquer.  Isn't that what they say?"  I looked between the two.  Something was definitely wrong with Stroud.  
"We stay together and watch each other's backs." I said.  "Once we are in, our primary objective is the gate.  Our secondary objective is Erimond."

Here, Fenris growled and Stroud stood up straighter, a dark snarl twisting his usually composed face.  Dorian muttered something black in Tevene and I saw the faint whispers of magic wrap around his hands.  Ghostly trails of purple snaked round his fingers as he laced the streams into something malevolent.  From the shadows of a bent head, he looked up at me through brooding, darkly sparkling eyes and grinned, oh so blackly.

"Let's go." I said and turned to set off.

 

* * *

 

A cold wind sung around my ears as I held on by my fingertips.  It barrelled up from the depths below to pick and lift my hair, cooling my body with its welcoming kiss.  Below me only black shadow, above me only heat and the sun of midday.  Rough stone had scraped my hands, taken skin off my fingers, bruised my knees, and all but left me exhausted.  But the thrill!  I clung onto jagged wedges of rock and inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with the cool, crisp air that blew around the rift.  If I looked down, I was lost for the bottom was not visible, but keeping my eyes firmly ahead on the path, I smiled at the challenge of cavorting across the cliff face and dropping down into the opening of the weyr. 

I reached for another handhold.  A deep cut into the smooth face, thank the Maker.  I virtually skipped sideways as I picked out my path.  Only fifteen more feet to go.  The opening was so near that I could taste it.  Sloping down and to the right was my path and I had already seen which handholds to use.  Around and above me, the three men slowly descended.  I could hear grunts and moans of worry from Stroud.

"Do not look down." I could hear Fenris say patiently.  He had volunteered to climb down with the Warden while I picked my way ahead, ready to drop into the opening.  

Dorian was making his way down by following my lead.  He put his fingers exactly where I had placed mine.  A look of ferocious concentration nearly rent his face in two, such was his determination to make it to the weyr.  He caught me looking at him.  I had only been checking his grip and yet he grimaced when he saw me staring.

"My fingers are about to split into smithereens." he grunted, squarely eyeing up the next pocket.  "I blame you, o Champion."  
"Always so precious." I teased, turning away and gingerly reaching across a split crag to grasp the next divot.  A brief gust of wind took my voice from me for a moment, sucking my breath and rendering me unable to breathe.  It was only briefly and my inhale only heightened the exhileration I felt.  It came back and for a while, I moved silently and concentrated on getting to my goal.

A few jagged handholds were all that remained in my way.  As I slowly moved down the rockface, my feet tested the juts of stone that presented themselves to me.  After a while, all that lay below me was the hole opening out into the wide, gaping body of the Abyssal Reach.  The weyr sat beneath me, silent and ready for us.  I was hoping nothing or no-one was in the open griffon roost.  We had descended almost vertically from where we had gone over the lip of the cliff, and the miners had left coils of rope of almost double the length of what we needed.  The last few feet took me down and to the right of one of the massive empty pockets in the rock that opened straight onto the gorge, calling clear instructions to Dorian as I did so.

I took a deep breath and indulged in a moment to look up higher to where Fenris patiently led Stroud down the cliff.  A small smile took me at his care.  There had been a time when he would have left those like Stroud to deal with their fears, but now he didn't.  It was wonderful to watch the care he took as he gently, soothingly talked the man down.

This was it.  With a rapidly beating heart, and not just from the exercise, I cautiously peered round the edge of the cell.  With a sigh of relief, I saw it was empty and climbed round the edge, setting my feet gladly onto the firm floor of the weyr.  These rooms had been used as roosting cells for griffons, back when the Wardens had been able to corral such beasts.  There had been many pock-marked into the side of the cliff and we chose one furthest from where we thought Adamant lay.  As soon as I could stand up, I unleashed the rope from around my waist lest I be pulled back out into the chasm.  Hitching it to a rock, should we need to escape quickly, I turned to take in the view.

The room in which I found myself was empty, straw for the griffons long blown away.  One desiccated, solitary blade sat trapped in the crack of a rock, flapping idly in the breeze that whipped around this room.  A broken door sat hanging on hinges, wedged back into a corridor that sat silently at the rear.  It called me and I walked quietly to peer around the edge.  A black corridor cut into the stone led forwards.  Any lights or brands were long gone and only an inky blackness waited now.

I stayed there, listening for any clues that echoed out of the hole to indicate if we would be discovered.  There was nothing.  Before long, Dorian climbed into the room.  He did the same thing with his rope and walked over quickly to where I was.  Concentrating for a silent few moments, he looked up at me with a gleam and shook his head.  I didn't know what trickery he had performed but he visibly relaxed.  We waited in the quiet tense room until Fenris and Stroud dropped into the cell.  Stroud, as soon as he was free of his rope harness, blustered about the room and stomped over to where we stood.  I threw my eyes to my husband to ask if the Warden had been okay and received a compassionate nod of the head. _  
_

Wordlessly Dorian moved to me and placed his thumb and middlefinger on my eyes, closing my lids.  They felt warm for a moment but no pressure.  When he let go, I looked at him for an explanation but he gave none as he moved on to Stroud and then to Fenris, who bucked away slightly, blue light wrapping around his hands in a warning, before relenting and allowing him to touch his eyes.  Dorian then touched his own and returned to where I was stood waiting, listening if anything was coming.

Turning back to the tunnel, I gasped.  The darkness still remained but thin, wavering, white lines where corners and edges of doors and walls led the way up into the inky space.  I could see the edges of things, and some shades of a flat surface; this was miraculous!  I could see without light!  They were ghostly little lines, criss-crossing across the ragged edge of a wall.  With a childish wonder, I reached out my hand, limned in wavering white, and slowly saw it move through the black nothing towards the flat space that was the wall opposite where we had entered the corridor.  Both my eyes and my fingers told me I would touch something and I did.  This was a beautifully dangerous tool.  I could sneak up on those unsuspecting enemies before they even knew I was there.

"Move into the corridor and adjust to what he has done." I instructed the group.

The three walked out and stood there for a while.  I could see them all as milky white spirit-like beings.  All three of them were distinct in their form and I could who was who.  I watched Fenris stare at his hands with a low grumble echoing in his throat.  

"What is this devilry?" he sneered.  "What have you done, mage?"  
"Allowed your eyes to see in the dark.  If you want to stumble about and trip, feel free to be my guest." he said, starting forward with his hand outstretched.  Fenris brought his head back and away from the mage.  
"Don't touch me."  
"Pretty please?" Dorian flirted, turning away from Fenris.

He wasn't happy but I knew he would be able to see the sense in what Dorian had done.  

After making sure he was okay, I turned away and started on our journey.  A set of steps led us upwards.  Occasionally we saw iron brackets that sat on the wall, long since devoid of any spark or straw to burn in them.  They sat in silence, a reminder of the glory of the Wardens that had gone before and walked under their welcoming light.  Back when these corridors would have been warm and full of fight and glory.  Squawks and calls of griffons would have filled the ears, and the running sound of boots on stone, but now it was silence.  The only sound came from the crunch of gravel under our feet.  Ceiling rock and dirt had crumbled onto the floor below.  A smell of damp and undisturbed air filled my nose as we rose further and further through the levels.  Two floors we ascended through before hearing any sound, crossing empty landings that held broken furniture.

At the bottom of the third set of stairs, I stopped with my hand on the wall, signalling for my party to halt.  I thought I had heard something.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I climbed the stairs and with a flat, open palm, demanded that the three others stay behind while I scoped out what had happened.  With trepidation, I climbed slowly until I could see over the lip of the floor.  Nothing lay on this landing and no-one came out of the darkness but opposite was the entrance to the next set of staircases up.  The soft glow of orange lit the top of the steps.  I sat there for several minutes, trying to get accustomed to the quiet, to see if anyone had come down to this level.  With a small wave of my hand for my companions to follow, I looked around one last time and ascended to alight on the floor.  My daggers were in my hand before I knew it and I crept like a mouse across the distance that separated.  There was a faint smell of urine that hung about the air at the bottom of the flight of stairs and my nose wrinkled.  From up the stairs, I could hear the quiet talking of guards but I didn't know how near to other soldiers they would be.  Plans were scanned through my mind and I sought for an idea, but my ears pricked when I heard the scrape of a chair.  I looked up sharply and I could also hear the soft hiss of Fenris' long blade sliding out of his scabbard.

I signalled them to slide back further into the shadows as the sound of heels clipping stone grew louder and louder to where I stood.  I flattened against the wall and lower, lower, lower came the click of boots as someone descended the stairs.  My breath grew concentrated and I focused on being as silent as possible.  A figure cloaked in a firey glow from above and limned in ghostly white lines appeared from round the corner and went to stand in the corner, fiddling with his trousers.  Moving a softly as a cat, I slunk forward and wrapped my hands around his mouth, covering it before he could shout.

"If you value your life, you will not scream." I hissed into his ear as I pressed the spike of a blade into his neck.

Slowly, I dragged him backwards to where my friends waited, cloaked in darkness.  I could see them outlined in white but he could not and fell back onto the floor, scrabbling backwards to escape the invisible enemies.  Immediately I was on top of him with my blade to his throat, pushing his chin up.  All he could feel was cold metal against the most vulnerable part of his body. 

"Tell me  _now_ who is up there." I whispered darkly.  
"Why?" he snarled.  "So you can murder them?"  
"You will submit."  
"Fuck you!" he growled.  "Anyone who tries to dominate us will fall."

With a desperate try, he spat at me.  The blade had opened up the soft flesh of his throat before the spittle had landed.  A familiar smell of warm metal rose for me, before the cold damp of the abandoned room reasserted itself.  I felt nothing.  The Killer of Kirkwall rose inside me like a long-forgotten friend.  This was my shield.  It was how I fought through the madness of what had happened in my life.  I cut everything off and allowed myself no emotions.  

"With me." I hissed to those men who waited for me.

I jumped up, almost running from the off, and ran across the floor before bounding up the stairs.  My stealth abilities lent silent wings to my feet.  Two men jumped up and pushed over the chairs that they had been sat on, drawing weapons as soon as they saw me.  A blade was thrown instantly and it hit the first in the throat, embedding deeply as he staggered backwards and clutched at his throat.  A volley of crimson flew from his mouth.  I quickly sidestepped to allow Fenris past who barrelled into the second, deftly ducking under the powerful swing of an axe.  He wasn't allowed much time before the axe came back to him but it was halted with a blunt block of Fenris' sword.  I watched, another throwing dagger sitting nimbly on the pads of my fingers ready to be launched if I had the opportunity.  The impasse wavered back and forth and I could see the two duallists fighting hard to be the one to throw off the other.  Grunts of strength and deep-down reserves rang out before I saw the inevitable.

With an explosion of blue, starting from his wrists and wrapping round his body in infernal spirals, Fenris suddenly dropped one of his hands from the pommel of his blade and thrust his hand through the chest of the soldier, gritting his teeth with a loud roar.  For a few moments, the room simply stopped.  I could hear the breath coming out of my lungs in slow and steady drafts.  Far down below, I felt the curls of lust.  Fenris, in moments like these - powerful, rageful, majestic - was awesome, and it started a heat within me.  I blinked away the sudden blush of passion and concentrated on watching him.  He withdrew his hand through the chest of the soldier who had stuttered in shock, coughed, gargled and stilled.  The corpse dropped to the floor.  Fenris simply stared at him, plain faced and composed.

"Bra- _vo!_ " Dorian's voice echoed round the still chamber.  He stood regarding Fenris with awe.  "I am truly blessed to have witnessed that."  
"He killed someone." Stroud said, perplexed at our enrapture of Fenris' abilities.  "It is a duty, not a blessing."  
"Could you sense anything different about him, Dorian?" I asked, desperate to know whether these had been enchanted or not.  
"No.  Stroud?"  
"I can't ... sense ..."

He stopped.  Our attention whipped to him and we saw him staggering, holding his head and grimacing.

"... help! ..." he grunted and gripped his head in thorough pain.  

I ran to him and grasped his arm to keep him standing, just as my husband appeared to clutch his other arm.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, caught between worry for him and worried at our discovery.    
"Something is ... happening ..." he said between gritted teeth.  "Aaaargh!"


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke finally finds Erimond, and pain almost breaks her in two as someone precious is ripped from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long one, I'm afraid.

The blade struck true.

It landed in the right eye of the Warden who ran towards us along the corridor.  Immediately the sack of wet flesh screamed and turned with the impact, clutching his head and dropping to the floor.  His feet kicked away at the stone corridor, scrabbling to escape the pain.  It wasn't long before I was on top of him, releasing him into the land beyond the Veil with a swift drag of my knife across his throat.  

The long corridor erupted with more fighters as four more Wardens piled through a door.  With a scream that clawed at the inside of my skull, an infernal glow of orange and red arose from behind the fighters and over all the men and women racing forward to hurt us, I saw the awful sights of a rage demon growing out of the floor.

"Dorian, take the demon!"  
"With pleasure." he grinned.

A bolt of purple energy broke from behind me and soared down the stone pass, scattering Wardens like so many blades of grass that part for the running of a lion.  Flames of purple and violet licked and torched the walls as it gather pace.  It hit the demon with a blaze of fury, sending shock waves of anger rattling back towards us.  Some of the Wardens were back on their feet and stumbling in our direction though.  Stroud and Fenris were already hurtling towards them, swords drawn and scarlet fury rent across their faces.  From the steely snarl and frenzied shouts of rage, more than a little blood would be coating the walls before long.  Dorian moved to gallantly divide me from the encroaching soldiers.

Fenris struck the first with a violent upswing that took the breastplate strapping off the first Warden's shoulder, with his arm and the side of his skull, before plunging the tip of his blade through the chest bone.  He had always had the advantage of explosive strength and as the Warden tried impotently to lift his own sword against the one impaling him, his limp arm fell back before it even scratched my husband.

Stroud reached his quarry but fell back before a flurry of daggers almost broke him.  He struggled back a few paces, frantically defending himself against the sudden charge of an enchanted Warden.  Blades struck blades and a string of Orlesian cursewords tore through the air.  The second of my daggers had almost loosed itself and it struck just behind the ear, spilling grey and pink down the woman's shoulders.  A confused look froze her face for a second before Stroud's blade cleaved into the space between the neck and shoulder.  With a grunt, he roughly pushed her off his blade and to the floor.

Now they had cleared the first part of the corridor, and were swiftly moving further down, I suggested Dorian and I moved forward as well.  "Keep me safe!" I called as I ran to pick my throwing daggers up from their victims, crouching as I went.  
"I have you covered.  Don't crawl like a baby!" he laughed casually.

He sent a spray of weaving, purple bolts that scythed through the air and exploded against the Warden that Fenris had just reached, causing the man to drop dead.

"MAGE!" came the roar of frustration which was answered with an impish giggle.  "HE WAS  _MINE!_ "  
"Oh well." Dorian said to himself, which I heard and Fenris did not.  A smirk shamefully broke my mouth but was quickly beaten down.  "Never mind."

Stroud was having more luck now, almost.  The Warden that had been charging towards him was cruelly pushed aside by the demon.  On contact, the Warden screamed in pain as the fiery hand almost passed through his shoulder, melting it with liquid anger.  He shook with pain before dropping to the floor, blood pumping over the stone flags.  The dark liquid danced with the light from the demon and was almost incandescent, turning from scarlet to bronze and through to black as the infernal creature moved towards us.  It was near enough to us that I could feel the heat.  My mouth turned dry as I dragged hot air in.

The two warriors exploded onto it, blades mixing with righteous anger into a swirl of hot evil.  Stroud fought one side with a more precise fury but Fenris hacked away with an almighty strength.  The devil screamed and wailed as it batted aside the metal that passed through the flames.  They made no evident mark but slowly chipped away at it nonetheless.  I launched a volley of daggers at its head but saw them pass through, albeit red and glowing.  Dorian threw what he could at the beast.  A swipe from its claws took Stroud's legs from under him as he deflected the claws.  He tried to stand, only to fall again on the slick of blood that had made everything so damned slippery.  With all four of us launching an offensive against it, it didn't take long for the beast to fall.  With a cleave to the head, Stroud's blade was the one to make the demon break for cover and slip below the ground again, crawling back to whatever master it came from.

The screeches died off, tailing away until all was silent apart from our elevated breathing.  The smell of sulphur and blood rose to meet our noses and I felt the familiar signs of queasiness start within me.  A frothy gargle from one of the Wardens alerted us to his still being alive but Dorian quickly had him within a magical grasp.  Silence ensued, but only for a moment before the corpse rose from the floor.  Creaking joints and rasping gristle cursed my ears and I shuddered at the sound.  My feet skittered backwards a little, hands grasping for blades.  The dead man, possibly still warm, stood before us but didn't attack.  Soulless eyes studied us as I felt a certain sense of removal creeping over me.

"But of course." Dorian muttered lowly, before smiling to himself and turning from the standing corpse.  It dropped to the floor again like a deadweight, no longer animated and no longer useful.  
"Dorian, was that you?" I struggled as I ran after him towards where the others stood  
"Pardon?" he asked absently.  "Oh, that?  A parlour trick.  I have to keep my eye in and it was the perfect time to practice.  He was on the border of dead so I simply pushed him over the edge.  Allowed myself to capture his ... essence, if you will, and control him."

It was the aloof, detached nature of his arrogance that amused me.  He walked about the corridor as if nothing had happened, or was happening around the castle.  He had demonstrated a raw, visceral command of the dead - one that would have floored me had I seen it anywhere else - and had continued on nonchalantly.  I shook my head and moved on, determined to keep the wonder and curiosity from showing on my face.

My trained eye picked over the corpses as we walked.  There were nice bits of armour, naturally, but nothing that matched ours.  Weapons were of a good quality but not enough to make us stop and assess properly.  There was no need really to search pockets for any equipment or gold so there was little of interest that held us.

"Has anyone else noticed that these were the first Wardens since those down near the weyrs?" I mused out loud to my companions as I walked along, staring through the doors that lined the corridors, searching for clues.  There was a chorus of affirmative murmurs.  There had been a malingering presence as we moved up through the floors but I assumed it was the sheer wave of brutality being unleashed by Erimond and Clarel.

"Hawke, come and look at this." Stroud called from one door further down the way.

I joined him presently, looking quickly at his pleased face then further in the room.  A rest room of sorts was in front of us and the table was set out with the remains of their meal.  We had been travelling for a long time - climbing, fighting - and had not eaten properly.  We heartily set about it, quickly picking the breads and fruit up and demolishing it.  We were not likely to see food for a while and for a few moments in silence, we chewed as quickly as we could, keen to get the sustenance into us.  Dorian had checked it quickly and we set about the water as well.  I gulped rather than drank as I was keen to remove a slight headache that was building.  Tension was building in me and I couldn't entirely put it down to the physical exertion.  Dorian had agreed to constantly monitor me, and I could feel his magical touch throughout.  I had not felt queasy once, but ravenously hungry.  Consequently, I ate two apples and most of the leftover bread.  It was more than my fair share but Fenris and Dorian seemed to leave their portions, strangely enough.  I was happy to eat it for them.  Stroud cast a brief look at me with curiosity building.  I smiled back, keen not to ignore and not to stare.  He looked away before long anyway.

"Right, should we move on?" I asked, stifling the need to belch.  "Has everyone had enough?"  I asked, already moving to the door and peering around the doorway.  Fenris and Stroud walked out into the corridor and Dorian gulped the last of his water down before joining us.

I walked quickly to the end of the stone passageway and put my hand on the door.  With a deep breath, I pushed it open and ran foward into the open air.

I gasped.

The door opened onto the hot air of the battlements at the front of the castle.  Blocking our way, with all the radiating evil of a darkspawn horde, was an army of demons mixed in with Wardens.  I could see a towering pride demon standing centre and foremost in their assault, surrounded by rage demons, shades, and all manner of evil.  They all wavered, standing dumb as they looked out across the plains of the Western Approach.  Clearly they were expecting something.  They lacked sentience, even the Wardens, and it scared me.  What Clarel was doing, or what Erimond was making her do, was beyond comprehension.  It boiled my mind into rage and I balled my fists against the anger, lest it overtake me.

Slowly a Warden turned to where we were standing, a blank look showing that the soul had washed from his eyes.  Almost like a few flakes of snow starting an avalanche, more and more of the fell creatures that waited on top of the walls turned to fix their faces directly towards us, as if some enchanted whisper floated on the dark air and called them all to action.  I felt my heartrate speed up and I fought a keen sense of preservation.  We could easily retreat into the tower and run away.  After all, we had no way of knowing where Erimond was within Adamant.  Such a concentration of his evil children meant that he was nearby though.  It had to!  However, that didn't help us with more than forty pairs of eyes that turned to us now.

"Hawke," whispered Fenris heatedly, "we retreat, now!"

An insistent tug at my arm pulled me backwards but before we could, a howl echoed up to the stars that were starting to twinkle in the desert sky above us.  It was all a blur of danger.  Demons raced to where I stood, or rather turned to run from them.  My legs felt leaden but somehow I managed to move.  Like lesser animals before an almighty predator, my heart raced immediately.  We were outnumbered and far out-manned.

As I turned, a colossal roar exploded behind us and I was thrown forward into the corridor again, a spray of stone scattering over my back as I landed on my front.  Screams and the breaking of stones, wails and howls, all coalesced into one awful noise as I looked behind me.  As I pushed myself up, small chunks of rubble and dust fell from my back and skittered onto the stone floor beneath me.  My first thought flew to the baby and my hand rushed to my stomach.

"Dorian!?" I shrieked, eager for reassurance.  
"You're fine.  I promise." he cried back, wiping dust from his face and spitting out bits of plaster.  

Looking back along the battlements, where once an almight series of crenellations and Tevinter architecture stood, now burning holes of rock and fury split the walls.  The demon horde that blocked the way now scattered into corners.  Some wailed in anger, some coiled into the shadows to lick wounds, some simply drifted as if lost.  More than half had been felled, including the Pride demon - smashed into some corner of the courtyards below.  Another monstrous rock assaulted the mammoth front walls but much further along, almost on the far side of the castle.  We could feel the thuds from here and I stumbled somewhat at the shudder.

Looking out around the door over the Western Approach however, I roared suddenly, crying out to the gathering clouds above.  I could see the armies of the Inquisition on the rising ground just beyond Adamant.  Trebuchets stood tall and proud and ready to loose another volley.  They lined the ground for as far as the eye could see.  My heart leapt at the swell of power that stood just beyond the gates.  I knew this is where we had to fight.  This was our stand.  We could not let the demons hold the main gate.  Looking around, trying to formulate a plan, I could see another volley of rock soar through the air, thudding this time into a tower beyond the main front wall.  The noise was deafening and pressed a wave of pain against my ears.  Involuntarily I raised an arm to shield myself against the spray of rubble that flew about us.  

"Dorian," I cried quickly, "fire a warning flare into the air."

A spark of cold purple flew into the sky before bursting.  Yes, it would alert everyone in the castle to where we were but they knew we were here anyway.  I needed Cullen to not blast us into the Fade.  I looked out again to see streams of soldiers running towards the castle, some with ladders, some with shields but most just running.  The roar from their mighty strength reached me here, even above the wondering screeches of the demons we faced.  A driving pride broke me inside.  Now, I thought, they will just have to find us here.  

We stand and fight.

 

* * *

 

We had seen just how he had manipulated Clarel, how he had brought Corypheus all the power and stalwart servants he could hope to get.  The ritual had been horrific to watch.  We had stood there, impotent in our abilities, mouths agape at what the Wardens had been brought to do.  More death, more blood.  It spilled everywhere to bring the demon through.  Eleanor had managed to talk sense in Clarel and broken apart the walls that Erimond had silently erected around her mind over the long time they had been working together.

As we roared through the corridors and walkways of Adamant fortress, along pathways almost oppressive with black shadows - the Inquisitor, myself and the parties we had both led to get here - one word kept running over and over _and over_ in my mind as I raced, hot on the heels of Erimond.  

_Maleficar!_

There was no other way to express the swirling, writhing hatred I felt boiling my gut.  Corypheus was a thing borne of malice and evil.  It was corruption incarnate and as such, his actions could be understood, if not roundly and forcefully condemned.  But Erimond?  He was a human, just like myself.  He had made choices.  All the words that Fenris had ever spat about the mages of his homeland, all echoed around my head.  I finally saw what he had meant.  I could taste the bitterness of his anger, it was as real and as visceral to me as he had ever felt it.  Erimond would die.  In my heart, I relinquished the desire that I be the one to do it.  I now did not care who performed the deed but he would be killed.  I would burn before I let him flee again.

Clarel had seen reason.  She had finally been rescued from the darkness he had dragged her down to.  Somewhere ahead of us, she fought with him, pursued him, hunted him.  Her rage had almost matched my own.  The indignation that he had played her for a fool was too much to bear and she would be satisfied.

Another volley of falling boulders rained around our heads.  The black dragon that flew around us scraped the building, trying to find some way to stop us pursuing it.  Maybe it was the embodiment of Erimond's ire, maybe it was all of Corypheus' desire to see himself free, but it was an almighty beast to contemplate fighting.  Dark wings swooped above us, sending waves of air reeling down on us, stinking of sulphur and rotting flesh.  The drafts pressed us to the floor but still we moved on.  Screeches and dark, demonic songs from above were all we could hear, besides the pounding of our feet on stone and the falling masonry.

We rounded a corner, almost skidding on sand that had been blown in from the desert plains around us, and saw yet more castle.  The clouds, now black and corrupt like the fight that raged beneath them, roiled overhead.  They shook and blew, holding storms inside them, bending, barely able to contain the fury.  Another turn took us into a colonnade.  The impressive architecture that stood over us was both wonderful and fearful.  Our footsteps echoed loudly, but the sound was swept away with the roars and screeches that appeared from behind.

Turning to confront whatever new enemy had arisen, we saw shades rise from the floor, and demons appear from the cracks in reality.  The Wardens that had chased us rounded the corner as well.  Stroud had warned us that the Veil was excessively thin over the Abyssal ridge.  I hadn't wanted to believe him but seeing the ease with which the creatures were able to come through was terrifying.  Once again, I felt the profound fear that had been clawing at my insides ever since the first fight in the weyrs.  It had not gone away.  This place was cursed.  Evil seemed foul and appropriate.  Something would happen to me, and I couldn't shake that feeling off.

They immediately screamed and raced to where we stood.  Fenris pushed me further back into the shadows of the colonnade.  Weaponry was in my hands as well but we did not have time to do this.

"Ignore them!" roared Eleanor as we turned from where they burned.  "We must reach Erimond.  He cannot be allowed to escape!"

An explosion of electricity hit the demons and I heard Dorian roar with a dark magic.  Shocks and sparking arcana licked at the building and warped the very air.  Within the swirling storm of deadly friction, the creatures that had pursued us burned, cooking inside their own skin.  From the heavy breathing, I could tell Dorian had loosed a horrifically large part of his power at the beasts.  They were locked, at least for now.  We turned to race along the black corridor.

Scaled feet and legs descended through the roof of the arcade, scattering debris and cleaving gorges across where we ran.  The dragon's foot almost toppled me, raking wide holes in the corridor just inches from my face.  By instinct, I jumped over, barely escaping falling down, down into the mound of rubble and scree that would have seen me dragged down the walls and to my death.  I swallowed against a dry and parched throat.  Terror was lurking at the back of my mind.  Again the foot clawed at us, gaining purchase finally.  I could see the grinning maw, huge nostrils flaring at the proximity of its quarry.  We were inside the stone prison where it couldn't get us, but all the time the bricks were falling.  All the time it was getting nearer to us.

I screamed and threw myself behind a pillar as a torrent of flame erupted from its mouth.  I looked to see where Fenris was.  The shaking ground, the crumbling building all around me; it was disorienting, screaming madness.  Funnels of rubble and dust were falling ever faster now.  Where was he!?  There!  Behind another pillar, further back from where I huddled against the searing heat.  The air wavered with the intensity of a sun and I tried to scream but no sound could be heard against the inferno.  The metal armour that I wore was cooking me, slowly.  But before long, the fire stopped.  

"Hawke!" I heard a cry.  " _ANNA!_ " 

Fenris stood up, locking eyes with me,  _desperate_ to get to where I was.  I could see it in the frenzied way his eyes had widened.  Dragon claws still raked at the building and the shuddering, thudding danger rattled the floor where I sat.  The beast was determined to get us.  A deafening screech of fury broke my ears and I clamped my hands to cover them.

We were trapped.

A hand suddenly grabbed mine and I looked up to see Cassandra pulling at my arm.  Immediately I scrabbled up and followed her.  Leaping over the same breaks in the castle walkway, I bounded around the huge talons and I was free.  Whipping my head around to see where my husband stood, still trapped, we locked eyes for a moment.  There was fear there but relief that I was out.  Another rake of the dragon's claws made both the Nevarran and myself raise our arms to brace against raining debris.  Again I sought to see where Fenris was, urgently trying to find a way for him to join me.  His eyes held mine again with fear.

And bulged briefly.

He looked down slowly, confused.  An arrowhead  sat proud and centre in his chest, breaking aside bone and armour, only just emerging from his back.  Time stopped as he raised his head, sinking slowly to his knees as he tried hopelessly to pull the barbed arrow out.  A frantic scream erupted from out of nowhere and I realised it was me.  Without even thinking of the consequences, I ran forward, only to be dragged back by the strong arm of the Seeker who had rescued me.  I pushed her off and tried to run forward again.  I had to get to him!  Tears poured down my face.  This could not be!  This was not happening!  

" _Fenris!_ " I screamed, hearing the pain cleave my heart in two.  Two hands stretched out to where he lay beyond the dragon's evil.

A billowing gush of flame pressed us back and a wave of heat assaulted us, pressing us back against the intensity.

"Hawke, we cannot get to him!" Cassandra shouted, holding me as I bucked and thrashed to get away.  Another pair of arms joined hers and I was pulled back and further around the corner.

The dragon lifted its wings and took off, leaving only detritus and a carved up pathway.  My chance!  But the racing screams of demons and enemies that had waited to get to us clamoured up the broken corridor.  I could not reach him.

I was pulled, dragged along as we pounded the path ahead.  My heart was breaking, cleaving, _ripping_ in to many pieces.  I could not even comprehend of a world where he wasn't there.  Up more flights of stairs, barely noticing where we were heading.  A dull hole was eating away at my soul.  I could feel the dark corruption burning it away.  If this was the end, then I was ready to welcome it and I stared ahead with dull, dead eyes that ran with rivers of tears.  

He was gone.

Ever higher they pulled me, ever further towards the pinnacle of the castle.  I neither registered nor cared where they were leading me.  Racing away from the pain below was all I could hold onto.  Erimond lay ahead of us, that was what I knew, and it was this that my soul now clung to.  With lightning speed, the logic inside me linked everything together.  There was only one foul creature responsible and he was up ahead.  I put power into my feet and pulled ahead of Cassandra, now feeling a gutteral need to pull Erimond's heart through his smashed ribcage.  

A long stone runway that seemed to fall into the very sky itself opened before us as we rounded the final corner.  Power sparked and burst in the open space and I could see the arcana, foul and majestic, explode between Clarel and Erimond.  The two were dancing cruelly around each other, giving no quarter, as they duelled and fought.  Fire, ice, storms; they all broke upon this battlefield in the sky.  Erimond flew back, batted aside like a piece of rubbish by purple blasts of her magic, and Clarel stalked towards where he lay.  Justice roared inside me as I saw the Venatori traitor rolling on the floor and near defeat.  This was it, this was vengeance.  He would die.

"I will never serve the Blight!" we heard her cry.

The dragon, that beast from the very depths beyond the Veil, a swooping beast of wrath and retribution, dropped from the sky and picked up Clarel in its teeth.  It flew about, tossing her body back and forth before spitting her out and landing behind us.  It crawled down the side of the castle, malevolence flowing out of every fibre of its rotten being.  We were lesser beings in its path and once again, it had us in its trap, and could only watch in terror.  We were being forced backwards towards the edge.  Desperately I looked around for a way out but there was nothing.  Fenris was dead and so, soon, would I be.  

It stalked towards us, sensing its victory.  The great creature would win and everything would have been for naught.  My mind swept to the dreams I had had.  Dreams I had never even admitted to my husband.  A sob escaped my mouth as I thought on him, and I didn't fight it.  A home, warm and welcoming, hidden in the hills and away from anywhere.  An open door as children ran in and out, barefooted and happy.  I tended to horses as Fenris ran after the children we would have had, playing with them, falling on the ground and letting them swamp him.  He would laugh and they would squeal with delight as their  _adda_ tickled them, forcing them to fight back.

This dream had been ripped from me and I felt my soul break.  

Clarel rolled onto her back, not yet defeated, as the dragon moved over her.  An explosion of scarlets and purples erupted onto the underbelly of the creature.  The world collapsed all at once.  Shockwaves began to break apart the very building we were on.  By instinct we all started to run, feral in our desire to escape.  Shuddering, thundering, breaking; my feet ran but the ground broke and soon I was falling, falling, far ...

Everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me. Please!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 20 - The Fade does not agree with Hawke. She is bewildered by the very nature of the place and it shakes her. She meets someone she never expected to meet.

_He waits, the man. But he has waited before ..._

 

I am falling. Down, down, down ...

Have I landed? No, yet here I am on the ground. My feet touch the floor yet my stomach thinks I am floating. Dare I open my eyes? The eery weightlessness is playing havoc with my head. I long to be sick. Why is that? Floating ... falling ... standing ... sinking ...

I open my eyes and immediately shut them. Maybe I am still dreaming. This feels like a dream. Am I really here? A green light fills my eyes, slowly spreading to cover the rocks, but a bright light, like sunshine, also covers me. Warm but cold. Why is this? There is something I am missing. Floating rocks, jutting at strange angles. This cannot be Thedas. A strange, swirling sky constantly moves above me. Whirling slowly and dragging life and dreams with it. The rocks hum with a desire to join that eternal chase. At the centre, a vortex of green that shifts and brims with energy. A dark energy that wants to take something precious from me. What? A hole sits in the vortex and as I stare up at it, for a moment it feels like it is all I can see.

"Is everyone okay?" I hear a voice call. It is a familiar voice, kind and pleasant but full of steel. They will look after me; intrinsically I feel this to be true. I try to search for them but my ears and heart tell me to not look. I force myself. The voice belongs to a woman who stands as if she is on a wall, perpendicular to where I am stood. How is this to be? "Is anyone lost?"

"I cannot see Dorian." another female voice calls, flooded with concern.

Dorian ... I know that name. I try to search my mind for it but all I get ... all I get ... is, is pain. A man's face is all I see. A dying man's face. He is warm to me. My heart fills with a searing, loving pain. White hair and green eyes. This is all I see. Is this Dorian? I have to trust myself when my heart beats that it is not.

I do not know why I am who I am. I try to step forward but fuzziness fills my ears and a rapid queasiness fills my ears. Why is this ... happening ... to ... ? I lurch forward and vomit. The slick, warm splashings of my stomach lick and drip over stone already wet with some unknown liquid, falling through cracks into the green beyond of nothing.

I am not comfortable here. My mind is not my own.

"Hawke?" call a voice. It is answered with pain in my mind. Someone has called that name recently, and to me. "Hawke!"

The white-haired man again sears my eyes. His green eyes stick to mine as I call to him. Who is he to me? I look up to the voice. Eleanor. Her name is Eleanor. I know it. I look around but I cannot see him, the white-haired man.

"Are you okay?" she asks, eyes full of confused care. She knows. Knows there is something the matter with me, yet I do not. She smiles at me in a small way, almost wanting to hide that she has reached out to me. Her body straightens and I cling on to that. She is in control of herself, and so must I be. I nod, signal my resolution, and stand up straighter to look around further. I will take my cues from her, however misplaced my mind feels.

"Where are we?" a voice calls. Again the owner stands at odds with me, his feet on a plane that would be a wall to mine. His name is Stroud, a voice whispers to me.  
"We were falling." a disjointed voice sounds out from my throat. It does not even sound like me.  
"No, the Inquisitor used the mark to open another rift. We fell through. I believe we are in the Fade." Stroud said.

A memory stirs. One of shifting, swirling, whirling dreams. Wispy beings made of air and thought. I have been here before. Slowly, the memory seeps back, fuller and stronger, until it shows me where I have been. But it wasn't like this. Not so ... real. It was bleaker, less tangible, ephemeral. Why is that? I am real. I am solid, I realise. That is why.

"It's not how I remember the Fade. Perhaps it is because we are here physically, instead of just dreaming." Eleanor, talk to her. She has done this before. My mind feels stronger. All the time, blood flows around my system, fighting the sickness, stopping me falling. I can recall more things about myself but they flow in parts, patchy and speckled. One shines through though and I reach for it. "The stories say you walked out of the Fade at Haven. Was it like this?"

She says something but it is not who I focus on. A spirit has appeared. Tall, bright and lit from within. It draws nearer to our group. No-one else seems to have noticed it. It seems focussed on me. I cannot pull my eyes away. It appears to be shaped like me; two arms, two legs, a body and a head. No burning balls of fire, not a demon, and certainly not elemental.

It walks nearer. It shines with a bright beauty and I feel warm and loved. It is a liquid sensation, coursing through me as would a warm summer's day. A smile spreads across my face and the mist of confusion dissipates. I know who I am. I know what is happening to my body, why I am sick. Still the feelings wash over me but I understand them at last.

It is only an outline that I can see of this creature who walks, stalks, closer to me. It is a man, as tall as I, with short hair. I can see no other details. Occasional glimpses of eyes shine through the brightness but mostly it is just a mass of light and fire. Is it a demon? My soul cries no. My soul knows this creature, yet my mind yet does not. I will remember, in time.

Still nearer he comes, until I can feel the radiating warmth of his aura, dissonant against the cold and damp of the chasm of chaos we find ourselves in. He longs for me. In my mind, from him I feel the keen longing to be held. It is inexplicable but I can sense this. The spirit glides nearer. From it I can feel benevolence and … excitement?

A sound like the rustling of summer trees filled with bird song blows through my ears, warm and relaxing, like being dipped in a soft embrace. I have waited a long time for this voice, a long time, and it fills up my soul. I do not know where it is from but I know it completes me.

_… Greetings …_

The spirit does not talk, but rather breathes into my mind.

“Hello.” I try and speak, to talk to it. The halo of light all around it seems to pulse a little quicker, a little fiercer, and I get the sense that it is pleased. I get a sense from it, a sense of longing. Should I draw nearer? A deep cry within me roars ‘yes!’ so my feet move slowly, so slowly, but I do it.

But as I try to draw near, Eleanor begins to talk again. I cannot hear her, my thoughts are filled only with the man in front of me. This anchor to my soul calls to me.

He lifts a hand … points a finger … and gently drags it over my skin. It feels like clouds, and silks, and dreams – all rolled into one gossamer touch. With the first touch, energy shoots over me and I freeze. My back arches as if I am being burned into cinders by horrific forces. My mind is assaulted and battered by an onslaught of images. I turn my head but they won’t stop. My mouth twists and I almost scream.

_… stone exploding stone …_

_… furious outbreaks of war …_

_… chasing, running …_

_… arrows …_

_… vile explosions of pain …_

But further back they go. Still further.

_… silver snow and ice …_

_… a run-down house and refuge …_

_… a letter …_

_… voyaging far across country and sea …_

_… a bay of pirates …_

_… escape from fire …_

_… tears, so many tears …_

_… scraping, twisting, gut pulling pain …_

Until finally, the man with white hair and jade green eyes appears in my mind again. Not looking at me now but at a former me. He kisses me, lips warm and loving. What? Who? He has a name but it escapes me. But this creature, this man, in front of me. A strange sensation floods me. I have an odd feeling.

It is not him.

Not the man with the white hair. That man was important to me, like my skin. Stopping me going everywhere at once. But this man? This man is … an anchor. A boat and I am an island, surrounded by madness. I will find my way through it, but I suspect only with this creature’s help.  I am not lost.  Not with him.  Who is he?  Even my skin, my bones, my heart feels that he is a part of me.  A long time ago, though. 

But pain, pain surges.  Again!  Dragons roaring!  Magic!  Demons, mighty demons stand beyond the brink.  Ready, just ready to bring about destruction.  Another face appears in my mind.  I snarl and writhe – twisting, burning – for this man is the reason for all my hatred, and all my pain.  A beard, slicked-back hair, eyes dark with malice.  A name is roared into my head – _“Erimond”_.  Claws, talons, all the knives.  My mind is awash with images of retribution and vengeance.

I reach for focus and grasp it with two furious hands.  Determination will be mine, _is_ mine. Teeth grit, jaw sets.  I drag my mind back and scream into the present.  I _will_ defeat this.  The mission – it is all about the mission.  Kill Erimond, and defeat Corypheus.

_It was your family, Hawke…_

A voice drifts through my mind, dangerous and tantalisingly enthralling.  With a show of strength, I ignore it, brush it off.  It is edged in scarlet.  Dark, blood-red.

“Well, whatever happened at Haven, we can’t assume we’re safe now.  That huge demon was right on the other side of that rift Erimond was using, and there could be others.”  
“In our world, the rift the demons came through was nearby.  In the main hall.  Can we escape the same way?” Stroud suggests.

Eleanor strides forward, a look of determination on her face.  My shoulders mirror hers.  I can’t fix mine.  They won’t straighten because of me, simply won’t.  I have to focus on her.  She is helping but is unaware.  She looks to me for strength but it is she who is showing me her mettle and letting me feed off of her.  I nod at her, confident in her, knowing she needs to see me support her.  A private smile passes between us.  She looks off into the distance and surveys the rift that swirls and rages above us.

“There.” she says, starting forward.  “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

Fascinating?  This is fascinating? 

My mind vacillates between madness and tingling clarity, but not fascination.  I had demanded of the being that claimed to be the Divine Justinia that she explain who, or what, she was.  Only to move past her and doubt myself.  Had I really just seen the spirit with my own eyes?  I still yet believe that I had made it up. 

My own spirit clings to my side.  It remains a silent sentinel.  Emotions are felt rather than heard.  When it looks like we will come to harm, its aura tinges pink and red and it vibrates a little faster.  Worry.  It worries.  For me.  And I reciprocate.  I worry for it.  How?  I have known it for mere minutes, yet my soul is concerned.

It flashes crimson now.  Tips of flames are fizzing and spitting.  It is angry, it is … fearful.  I look around, my own levels of adrenaline powering my need to be ready.  Cloudy, my thoughts are cloudy but my responses ready.  My spirit is near, and a sword is drawn.  Fumbling for my own, blades are in my hands.  Eyes darting.  Where is my enemy?  Inside?  Out?

I see a creature writhing in green and silver.  Malevolence drifts, wafts over to where I am.  _Get ready!_   The incoming spirit is intent on me, of this I am sure.  No legs.  It has no legs.  I feel I am the centre of its dark focus, or something in me is.  Can it be my soul?  No, I do not believe it is.  Evil eyes are intent on me, glaring darkly at my stomach.  Anger slathers from its maw and it almost drools as it stares at me.  Rushing, darting, jumping – it rushes forward as it tries to rake claws at me, desperately wanting to claim that inside me which is mine.

But my spirit swings a sword to stop it.  Or does it?  There is a battle of wills.  Pulses of air that fight back and forward.  There is an almighty battle of wills raging as the two spirits fight in their minds, rather than hit out with their bodies.  I see that it recoils in anger and fear, cradling a hand as if it has fought but nothing has outwardly happened.  This is a fearful battle of the mind. 

“Hawke?”

My own body warps and waivers.  I jump around and blindly swing my arms, trying to deflect the vain attempts at defeat from the malevolent spirit.  Daggers plunge into air, into dreams.  Rips into nothing.  My eyes lose focus.  What is happening to me?  Why is my mind not my own?

A wailing scream sounds out and I grasp my head, bending over in pain.  Pressure builds, builds, _builds!_   I cannot take it and my voice cries out.

“Hawke!” Eleanor shouts, hands clamping on my shoulder.  I drag my eyes to hers and a breath rushes out of me.  Focus, focus.  I gaze at her.  “Are you okay?”

I nod.  Of course I am, I try to will her to believe.

“You were thrashing around, stabbing at the very air.” Stroud explains, his face awash with care.  
“Demons are at work here.” Cassandra says.  “We should not linger but seek the way out.”  
“Agreed, but Hawke needs a minute.”

Where is my spirit?  The malcontented spirit, the one wants to invade me, has gone.  As I gaze around, I see him, my spirit, floating nearby.  His aura is tinged in green and white.  He is happy, he has saved me.  Or is it me he is rescuing?

_… No, it is not, and at the same time, yes ..._

“Who?” I moan.  
“What do you mean ‘who’?  What are you saying, Hawke?” Eleanor, the Inquisitor, begs to know.  “Who are you talking to?”  
"You cannot see him?" I ask incredulously.

She looks around and catches the eye of the others.  I know they are worried about me.

"Let us move, and quickly." she decides.  "It is folly to linger."

We move towards a rocky bridge of stone, cleaved from the floor around us.  I walk with them, head held high and mind determined.  They cannot lose themselves because of me.  I know my spirit, so vital to my wellbeing, stays with me.  We are already bonded.  I reach out for more information, trying to feel my way to him.  Snaking, snaking.  Have I reached it?  Vibrations tell me I have and I ease into communicating with him.  It is felt, not heard.

"I know you?"  
... _yes, very much so_...  
"From where?"

Purple.  Purple light flickers and pulses. Tussles with blue.  He is sad.

...  _I am that which you lost_ ...

And then his mind whispers.  Too low.  Too quiet.  My mind strains to pick up on what he has said but one word.  One word rings with clarity. Did he say  _that_ word?  No, he could not have.  How could he have said that?  It is impossible.

'Mother'?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the group travel further into the Fade, Hawke's mind unravels more. She discovers something about one of those that travel with her. Something that will rock her life to the core ...

Spirits, demons, everywhere. Cannot escape ... cannot get rid of them. They keep coming, keep attacking, keep trying to eat me. I have fought some off but my blades drag through air filled with nightmares. These are out to get me.  I am aware all around of fighting.  Stroud, he swings a blade to cut through the dreams.  Eleanor, she stabs and switches to kill the green ghosts.  The others, they are here, around.  They fight, war on the nightmare.  We will bring it down.  

My spirit. He defends me at every turn. Hack, slash, attack, turn, repeat. He is a fighter. My heart swells with pride. Am I really what he said? He said I was his mother. But that cannot be? My head spins, twists, turns. Warping, weaving, dreaming. The air hums.

"What ... is happening to me?" I breathe to my spirit, eyes drifting shut against the madness.  
...  _it is in you_...  
"What is?"  
...  _your child - they want it_...  
  
My ... what?  Yes, yes.  It is clear now.  Wonders and awe flow around my body.  Silver and scarlet traces through my veins as the memory that I am pregnant rejoins my mind.  A wide smile threatens to break my face.  But still, still, still it seems to ebb away.  Why?  Why so happy then so sad?  Something is missing.  No, some _one_ is missing.  My spirits hums with an ice blue, first flushed with green.  With a rush, an image hits my mind again.  It is the man with white hair.  More humming, more rushing!  Spirit, why are you sad?  Why are you sad?  Blue, purple, the first tinges of black!  It thrums faster but in waves, like it is crying.  I long to reach out.  In fact, I do.  My hand caresses the creature.  My hand does not feel a tangible surface but warmth floods my skin as it touches.  Even though I cannot see his face, and cannot see his eyes, he bends his head to mine.  Loving, tender. Sad.

"Who is he, my love?  Is he you?"  
...  _no, but he is precious to me too_...  
"Precious?"  
...  _he is my father_ ...

And then I remember.

I remember.

I remember who the man with the white hair is.  Shaking, faster, nervous.  Glittering silver and black crackle the aura of my lovely spirit.  I ... can't ... deal ...  My hand drops from my spirit's face.  Like a raging tiger roaring into the night, my soul breaks in two as I howl out into the Fade.  My voice carries and screams to the whirling clouds overhead in bright spirals of passion and fury.  Afresh.  My heart is breaking afresh.  I know him.  I remember him.  I saw him die.  Arrow.  Chest.  No!

Fenris!

My husband.  My dear, loving, fierce, proud, protective elf.  Staggering, I clutch my skull as if I am trying to rip my face from my head.  Sobs echo forth in gulps and bursts.  This is pain in its rawest form.  Screeching, dissonant, brutal, empty pain; my own personal nightmare.  Cut off my leg, pluck out my heart, but do not subject me to this.  It is too much of what anyone would, could, should bear.

But wait ...

... wait a minute ...

It simply cannot be.  I stare at my spirit with a mouth open.

"'I am that which you lost'?  Explain it.  Please say it." I gasp.  
...  _I cannot deny who am I to you, for it would be a lie_ ...  
"But, but - that was years ago!"  
...  _it is me_ ...

Then a silence which seems to last an age.  The wind of the Fade whips and curls round our ears, a lonely moan carrying the scent of carrion and the soft screams of the dying.  My mind is in twos and threes.  This man, this being, is my son?  But he, it died.  My own stomach roils and burns with a raging picture of love and vile emptiness.  I remember the agony of losing him but he is here in front of me.  To have one but remember the other.  It is too much and I stagger away.  To have Fenris ripped from me but to be given the child I thought I had lost.  Stumbling far, far away.  Rocks and wet, sodden grasses guide me.  I am vaguely away of fighting happening around me.  Water sloshes around my boots and invades my feet.

...  _don't leave me_ ...

Some unknown connection is calling me back to him.  I turn and see reds and purples.  He is breathing into my mind again and I feel the longing of a baby to be held, the crying of a child for its mother, the desperate pleas of a child to be with its parents.  My child.

... _please, Mata_  ...

... _please don't leave me_ ...

I turn back.  How can I leave you?  How could I ever do that?  My mind bends to a image of cradling, holding, loving embraces and he rushes to me.  A halo of golden love twists and sails around my head.  It is never tangible and never corporeal enough to see, but I feel it in me, in my head, racing, roaring.  For a moment, the joy cuts through the glowering fog that surrounds my mind, like a bright burst of sunshine on a horrid day.  The fog guards, capsulates, encroaches.  My ...  _son_ burns it all away.

I have a son.

A son!

It is a miracle.  Did Fenris die to send me here?  Is that why I'm here?  My soul rocks between joy and despair.  No Fenris, but a son instead?  My mind is bracing itself.  This is not to be, cannot be understood.  He is as happy as a sunbeam, a picture of a cloudless sky, bright and blue.  Golden, yellow, auras shot through with white.  I feel such love as I have never known and I cry.  Tears of joy run down my face and I do nothing to get rid of them.  They are badges of honour.  This is my son!

"My son!" I laugh and giggle into the air.  
"Your son, Hawke?" Eleanor asks.  I can hear rampant concern.  Mutterings, mutterings.

Two kindly hands clutch my shoulders.  They are soft and calming.

"Hawke?"

I open my eyes to see the softness of the Inquisitor.  My spirit retracts to hover nearby, close and happy.

"He died." I explain.    
"Yet you are smiling."  
"He is here with me."

Those two arms envelop me, slowly seeking my shoulders.  Squeezing gently, I feel the friendship flow out of her into me.  I smile and lay my head against her.

"Thank you." I whisper.  My voice fizzes with glee and merriment. "You understand."  
"We need to get you out of here."

But no!  I cannot leave.  Cannot leave him!  He is my son!  What mother would leave her son behind?  No, no, no!  My two children are here with me.  What is there left to go back to?  My husband - gone.  There is no life.  I have passed my mantle onto the Inquisitor.  She can push forward the changes that I need to happen.  The mages.  Protect the mages!  Anders, I forgive you!  His crazy, bearded face and swept back hair come into my head and I remember all the good times.  Kirkwall, you rat-trap, shit-hole of a city!  Even you, even you I forgive!  I am happy, I am here!

It is then that I notice the Divine.  Her?  Here?  But she can't be.  Beams of light stream out of her, like sun shining through the cracks in a wall, or curtains.  That is not the Divine.  I can see this.  Why can no-one else?  It looks like her but it is not.

"So this creature is simply a spirit." Stroud states.  
"You don't say."

She has a voice that melts like ice on a warm day, soft and gentle.  I look to her and she sees into me,  _it_ sees into me.  I can see everything through her.  From nowhere, a chastisement erupts from my soul and I feel indignation, like I blame her for all the bad things that have happened.  It is irrational and a tiny voice cries an apology, but still I cannot stop the anger.  It is misplaced but it is there, at the forefront of my mind.

"I am sorry I disappoint you." 

We lock eyes.  I feel myself bound by her mental embrace.  It is like being held by a bear that would never hurt me; strong, protective, inescapable.  My brow softens, my eyes weaken.  She burns from inside and I feel panic.  Slowly the light that I have seen quite clearly scorches away the skin, trickling into the Fade at first but then burning as a inferno.  I shield my eyes and retract, fearing, alarmed.  Vortices of anger and fear rush and squirm inside me, fighting for dominance.  Slowly the righteous ire begins to assert itself.  She floats, arms wide for justice and embracing.

"What we do know is that the mortal Divine perished at the Temple.  Thanks to the Grey Wardens." I snarl.  Why?  Why?  Why am I angry at them?  I have fought alongside them.   I feel as a prisoner in my own body, shouting and screaming from inside, listening to someone else talk.  
"As I said - the Grey Wardens responsible for that crime were under the control of Corypheus."

A wail erupts in my head.  It pushes to all corners of my mind and scrapes the blood and brain.  It is metal on chalk, pain on skull.  Scraping, twisted pain.  I hold firm against it.  ' _If this is you Corypheus, you will die_ ' I cry to him.  I now begin to recognise the gentle winds of my spirit, who sits nearby, tense and nervous.  But this, this is different.  It is malevolence and evil in its purest form.

"We can discuss this further when we return to Adamant."  
"Assuming that the Wardens and their demon army didn't destroy the Inquisition while we were gone." Feisty, feisty. Snarl, snarl, snarl.  Bare teeth.  
"How  _dare_ you judge us?" screams my friend.  No!  Please listen to me!  I  _am_ your friend.  "You tore Kirkwall apart and started the mage rebellion."

Streets on fire.  Barricades at every turn.  The smell of burning brick and hair, roasting flesh, the screams of those run through by the chaotic madness.  Wooden houses that stood proud on stone foundations laid to ruin.  Boats on fire in the harbour.  The barbaric anarchy.  Warring mages and Templars.  Blood running through the streets like crimson rivers.  I remember running through the streets of Kirkwall, aching to get to the Keep.  Daggers in hand, they tore more flesh than any other day I had ever known.  

Guilt ripped through me, swiftly followed by a tidal wave of pride.  I would not let Stroud win.

"To protect innocent mages!  Not madmen drunk on blood magic!"

Orsino!  Why, oh why?  You let me down, deserted me.  My eyes began to stream again.  I stop myself.  

"Stroud isn't defending blood magic or demons." soothes Eleanor's honeyed voice.  "You know the cost of the Blight as well as any of us, Hawke.  The Grey Wardens are the only force that can stop that."

Breaking.  My mind is breaking.  I feel the resolution that I had seized start to waver under the strain.  I squeeze my eyes shut.  She is right and I have raged.  What is happening to me?  This is not me, my mind screams.

"Forgive me, my old friend." I spit, trying desperately to keep the tears in.  "My mind is not my own."

A warm, calming hand falls on my shoulder.  It is heavy, larger and has the weight of friendship behind it.  I look up into his blue eyes, shimmering in the light of the Fade.  I have spent many hours talking and laughing with this man, fighting by his side.  It is with a heavy heart that I know I have hurt him and I hope he can tell how sorry I am.

For a moment, he stares at me.  He stops speaking and a faint concern ruffles his brow.  My heart beats harder inside my chest as he examines me.  He has always had the uncanny ability to spot when there is something wrong.  His lips purse.  What is he thinking?  Does he know?  About me?  A slight sound rumbles in his throat and he looks at me as if I am hiding something.

My eyes flicker to over his shoulder.  Something skitters in the darkness.  My spirit-son floats and bobs in the air, staring off in the direction that I am.  Shimmering black and purple is his aura.  His fear feeds into my psyche and I can feel the stress.  The creatures come nearer.  I inhale sharply through my nose.  Fear!  Streaming, coursing, dominant!  Why, why, why?  Make it anything else!  I can't deal with _this_ right now!

"Inquisitor!"

Spiders!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fade becomes too much for Hawke as she confronts Corypheus. A monster from the very depths of her nightmares fights to control her and the group she travels with. To escape, one must sacrifice themselves ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been written in one go and consequently may have many holes in. I will endeavour to correct them tomorrow. 
> 
> Enjoy! And let me know what you think!

_"You'll never be a good mother, Hawke.  You can't protect anyone.  You allowed your husband to die, didn't you?"_

...  _do not listen, Mata, I beg of you.  It is Corypheus only_  ...

Corypheus.  Yes, I know that name.  The voice calls to me.  Deep and booming, it is everywhere.  Filling my ears and mind.  A swirl of panic starts to fizz in my stomach.  He is right, I let Fenris die.  Didn't I?  I could have got back for him.  I should have tried.  Tears forming, threatening to fall, or have they already fallen?  I dash them away and they feel as viscous as blood.  There is a waterfall of blood nearby.  I raise my eyes to see whence it came but it falls from a floating rock.  The pale sky behind it frames it nicely, like a green sunset.

We run through a cave, our ankles splashing through ice-cold water.  One wall is glowing red, but this seems perfectly natural by now.  It seems to bulge and spread along one wall of the recess.  All spikes and angles.  It hums with a soft calling.  Poisonous and deliciously tempting.  I will resist!

... _Mata!_ ... 

My head whips round to see what my spirit-son has screeched at.  Prickles of panic are already skittering about over my skin.  I round the corner, eyes carefully peeled for more of the spiders that we have fought.  Pincers and legs are snapping, snapping.  My eyes have been looking at the ground as we run through the water so they are already tuned to the ground.  I follow it along the stairs we have come to the top of and along the path they lead down onto.

Well, shit.

What I thought were my nightmares before now fade into the background.  My heart beats but in many different beats, fast and loud.  Mouth dry.  Teeth chattering.  Nightmares well and truly realised.

A spider the size of a Chantry cathedral sits waiting for souls to come near enough to be devoured.  Eyes in their thousands swirl and swivel and then point to stare at me.  I feel like a rat, watched by an eagle.  My death feels inevitable.  So close.  Blues and obsidian black flares my spirit-son's aura.  He growls.  I look at him straight away.  He looks like him, sounds like him, and my mouth catches in my throat when I see that he even _stands_ like his father, crouching ready to fight.

... _Mata, you will not die - not today_ ...  
"You may not have a choice."  
... _C_ _hoice?  The choice was mine to not pass beyond the Veil_...  
"What is your purpose?  You would have been safe!"

Feelings of worry flare up in me.  Why did he not protect himself?

...  _time is irrelevant here - I knew you were coming_ ...  
"My son..." my voice trails off into the echoes of the Fade.  Maternal worry is new to me but rips asunder any barriers for time.  I have known this man for an age, not just since I came to the Fade, or so my soul sings to me.  "I need you to be safe.  I need to protect you!"  
...  _as I, you_...

From one of the banks of glowing red a demon of green glowing energry bursts out of nowhere and screams straight to me.  With a telling howl, my spirit son knocks me to the floor, plunging into the water that feels as cold as death itself.  Fizzing and speckled light fill my head where his aura and his energy met my body.  My eyes dart to where he fights and wars with yet another demon.  But something is wrong!  This one is different.  Before, he has fought them off with a strength and will that has been daunting to witness.  Yet this time, this one time, things roil and burst in shades of red.  Things are wrong.  The demon breaks for me.  But my spirit-son is quicker.  

... _no!  You shall not take her!_  ...

The two race, race,  _race_ to get to me.  An explosion!  The two meet with a shower of silver and hatred, scattering energy and light so bright that I close my eyes and raise my hand to shield myself.   When the heat dies down, only then, I look up.  Dissipating like smoke on a wind, green wisps of nothingness drift away.  The demon is defeated.  But where is my son?  Where is he!?  I turn and look, searching for him.   _Cannot find him_ beats my heart.

For a moment, all is silent, save the  _drip-drip-drip_ of the cave.

I cry and my hand drops to my stomach as a cramp seizes my insides.  Another follows it and I turn to retch into the water sloshing around my feet.  I stumble.  Bent over.  Crying, scarlet pain.  Please Andraste, no!  Not this as well!  My head is swirling.  The red walls of the cave are singing to me in dark dischords.   The longer I stay here, the worse I will be.  The last semblances of clarity dissolve slowly away.  Slowly I emerge after the others and run down the stairs towards the monster.  I have no time to think about the horror of losing my son again.

Another guards the gargantuan beast.  One more monstrous than the spider that sits behind it.  Pincers flank it, waving and malignant.  It has the body of a human but it floats.  Jaws slather.  For a moment, all the group I travel with recoil from the evil that radiates from it in repugnant red waves.  I shade my eyes and as I look over to the one they call Cass ... Cass ...  With a sigh and a gulp, I realise that my mind is mottled so badly that I cannot remember their names.

_"Hawke, this is but a taste of things to come.  They will forget you, as you are forgetting them.  You will become irrelevant."_

He is right, of course.  I am no longer the Champion of Kirkwall.  My pride lays about me on the floor like the ripped rags of a best dress.  I have no husband.  My spirit-son is gone, defeated by a demon.  My brave, beautiful boy who I had known for less than a day.  Ripped from me again.  My heart is shattering all over again.  It had been built in the brief time I had known my son but now lies in pieces.  Maker but it seems only one thing is clear.

I am alone.

_"Do all who you come to love leave you eventually, Hawke?"_

With a roar carrying the fury of a mother denied, we run to where the foul creatures of the Abyss wait for us.  The spider creature waits, leering, all eyes on us.  Slick with acidic spittle, its maw slathers and waits for its prey.   _Click, click, click_  tap the myriad of legs and mandibles.  The  _maleficar_ that floats in front of it grins with a gloating arrogance.  It will die, and so will Corypheus.  A surge of electricity seizes the being and it bends and warps, lit from within as though on fire.  The glare grows stronger, brighter, until it burns with the intensity of a furnace.  The spider is also in this unholy conflagration.  I shield my eyes and step back.  I can do nothing but against such heat and power.  When it dies back, the floating creature is alone.

With a surge of bravado, brought on by the realisation that I have lost  _everything_ I jump for my knives, no longer careful of what I hold in my womb.  I am lost, it is most likely lost.  The demon was defeated but at what cost?  A roar tells me that the others join me.

We fight like the legends of old.  The tall thin woman with the cropped hair runs in and with a brutal upward swing, bites into the skeleton of the creature.  She is rewarded with a swipe from the talons of the creature that can only be what remains of Corypheus in the Fade.  Cropped Hair falls backwards before regaining her footing and trying again.  A tiny woman is biting, gnawing, stabbing with her knives.  I run in and jump, my arms in the air.  For a moment, I feel time slow as I reach the zenith of the arc I am tracing.  As I start my descent, with power I bring my knives to bear on the hide of the Nightmare's Aspect.  It roars but with a blast of power, I am sent reeling back, tumbling over the wet rock.  I cry out in pain as I hit my head on the stone.

A bearded man runs and swings his sword at a flailing limb that pinches from the back.  It cuts the end of and a wail that jars my teeth echoes from inside the creature.  For a moment, I am paralysed but my body twists as I realise my ears are bleeding with the sound.  One of my throwing knives is in my hand before I know it and I loose it at the jaw of the Aspect.  I cheer darkly as the blade embeds in its cheek, already dripping with black blood.  Pulsating nastiness.  Gelatinous, foul.

All blades seem to sing towards the foul being that swings and throws others off.  The legs that seem to have erupted out of its back chatter with a black excitement, occasionally lashing out at anyone who dares to fight it.  Cropped Hair cries out in pain, clutching her arm as she stumbles backwards.  Energy and lightning explode into the very air around the being but I am unable to see where it has come from.

My stomach cramps again and I yell out without thinking.   _No Corypheus, you will not win!_

In rapid succession, I loose three blades at the creatures.  One rebounds quickly but the two others stick between ribs, once again sending black blood dripping onto the floor.

 _"You will die in agony!"_   the voice of the beast booms across the rocky chasm in which we are warring.   _"I grow fat on your fear!"_

Gritted teeth.  Sweat pouring down my brow.  I push forward again.  Head churning, stomach seething.

It seems an age that we break upon the creature, and the minions that it sends forth.  Panting, pushing, swaying, fighting!  We hit, we swing, we lose, we resurge forward.  Tiny Woman is becoming a raging ball of purple anger as her blades sweep across the body of the creature.  Another swipe of the talons causes her to recoil but she soons presses forward again. 

 _"Hawke, accept your destiny.  You were meant to die here, with me."  
_ "Fuck you, Corypheus!  It was my blood that put you in that prison, and by the Maker's grace it will be I who puts you back there!"

Teeth are bared and eyes white with rage.  Bearded Man launches a devastating attack, parrying leg after leg, before finally thrusting his sword into the flesh of the creature's thorax.  It throws its head back and howls.  Pain drips out of the sound and I clutch my head, before joy takes me.  It is wounded and that agony sounded like it was a mortal pain.

We are nearly there.

Cropped Hair begins a savage series of blows and swing; downwards, upwards, wrenched up to bring it down again before stabbing the end through the heart.  The sword lights up, heats up and Cropped Hair cries out, dropping her hands from the pommel and recoiling fast.  She harbours her injury close to her chest, before crying out through gritted teeth and running forward to punch the covered face of the ailing beast.  An armoured glove clangs against the helmet that the beast is wearing and it flails backwards.  We all seize our opportunity.  A resurgence of energy whilst the enemy is on the back foot.  

Blades rain down upon this beast.  Knives, daggers, swords; we all take our chance in carving a piece of ourselves onto the body of the Nightmare.  It tries to fight back but it is hacked down.  Slowly, slowly, it retreats but with a cry, it is finished and collapses on the floor.  I take a chance to suck air into my burning lungs.  I am falling.

Pushing myself up from the floor, I find that hands help me to stand.  With a brief word of thanks, I stand to find my head is more woozy than before.  The hand on my shoulder belongs to Cropped Hair.  A flashback to a crumbling castle causes me to retreat before it is burned away in a haze of pain.  White hair.  Green eyes.  They are all that I can see.  My soul screams that he is dead.  I am alone.  I will die here.  Just like Corypheus said.  Why not?  What is there to live for? 

I look up to see a swirling gateway at the top of a flight of steps that have been carved into the bedrock of the Fade.  The edge of the gate burns with a green fire.  It is a doorway that has been torn in reality by the Maker himself.  It is our exit and I can taste the excitement of the group around me.  I feel no such joy but I run with them, staying at the back.  If I can defend them from any malingering enemies, I will do.  They have lives to go back to.  What do I have?  Nothing.  I will give my all to this group.  I cannot remember who they are but I know they are important.  If it is in my power, they will leave by my hand.

We run.  Pound the steps.  Push, push, push!  Almost there!

A screech deafens us as pointed legs descend from nowhere.  I stop, daggers at the ready, as do the rest of the group.  No!  Go now!  Get away!  I will stay!

"We need to clear a path!" a voice drenched in fury cries out.  A man with a long moustache looks at the tiny woman pointedly.  His hand grips his sword and he stands on alert.  
"Go!  I'll cover you!" I yell.  I need them to leave!  
"No, you were right.  The Grey Wardens caused this.  A Warden must - "  
"Corypheus is mine!" I snarl, turning my head to feast my eyes on the monster that towers above us.  My legs are hollow and exhausted, my mind is beyond tired and full of holes, my mouth runs dry, but I know - I  _know_ \- that this is my destiny.  I have to sort this out.

I can hear the screams from the Black City and can smell the fear.  It is not just fear from that fell place but from those around me as well.  If I can do this, I can defeat him, then my life will have been given nobly.

Tiny Woman steps forward - _Eleanor_ , a voice breathes - and she looks at the two of us, eyes darting.  She has to choose.  She is fearful of making the wrong decision and I implore her with every fibre of my mind and soul.  Pick me! 

"Stroud..." she says in emotional turmoil.  Her voice almost echoes away before it is heard.

"Inquisitor, it has been an honor!" 

Bravery.  Honor.  Courage.  If a man could shine with the light of those words, then the man who strides forward now, sword in hand, glows from within.

"For the Wardens!" comes the rallying cry as he runs towards the underbelly of the monster.

We run.  We run towards the gate as though our very souls depended on it.  Heart pounding, nerves shot through.  Run, run!  I reach it and throw myself through.

The green takes me and everything goes black.

 

* * *

 

The cheering of the crowd was the only sound I could hear as we emerged.  The dying screeches of Corypheus' demon army flew away into the dark night and the armies that fought all around us stared upon us as we jumped through the rift, appearing as if from nothing.  The men and women who stood drenched in blood and gore, some badly wounded themselves, looked on us with open mouths before a cry arose.  Small at first, it grew out of nothing.  One Warden that stood nearby saw the Inquisitor and cried.  He was overtaken with emotion and lost all propriety.  Their leader had returned from the Fade a second time.  The chorus grew to a crescendo and with it, the joy and happiness that they had survived grew immeasurably.  Everyone was happy.

Except for me.

With every drag into my lungs, the fresh air blew away the darkness that had invaded my mind.  But with that, the trauma returned.  My memory loss had been saving me from the true horror I had witnessed.

Fenris.

My son.

My baby.

Stroud.

All gone.

From the bottom of my stomach, a violent storm was brewing, edging ever closer to erupting and destroying me once and for all.  It was coming in trembling agony.  My entire body started shaking as the visions of these people who I had lost assaulted my mind - all whom I loved with an infinite depth.  Shaking turned to almost convulsions and I fell to the floor, my hands desperately scrabbling around to find something to cling on to.  Something that would help alleviate the pure burning of my being.  Sobs fell from my mouth but tears could not form.  I was past that.  My hands covered my face as I leaned my head against the floor.  Nothing would stop the desperate cries.

A hand fell onto my back but I barely noticed it.  My name came to my ears but as though through water.

"Don't worry, Hawke.  We're taking you home." Eleanor's voice said.  She spoke with a soft peace, wishing me to feel her sympathy, but I did not care to hear it.

Another hand fell on my back and the tingling sensation of being transported began to swirl and turn on the floor about me.  Before long, we were soaring through the air.  It was the same disorienting sensations and I would have sought to look where we were heading but my hands still covered my face.  I paid no attention to where we flew.  Agony sang into every corner of my mind.  It was inescapable and brutal.  I kept seeing the faces of those that I had lost.

A cold floor appeared beneath me.  Flagstones.  Through the miasma of pain, I noticed this little detail.  We were somewhere formal and moneyed.  I did not care.  I fell to my side and curled up into a ball.  The rest of the world could burn.  I cared not where I was or who I would interrupt.  I threw my arms over my head and sobbed into the cold, stone floor beneath me.

Time passed but I knew not how long.  Feet came to stand next to me with dark whispers issuing from their owner.  Suddenly they were running and echoed away into silence, the noise disappearing up into what was a tall and grand building.  I laid still, the tears dripping down into my hair as I recessed into misery.

I could hear from somewhere nearby that feet were pounding ever closer.  They were getting louder and louder until they stopped suddenly.  I could hear heavy breathing.  Someone had come swiftly and had run with any due care for themselves.  They were desperate to get here.  The breathing sounded somehow ... familiar.

The soft sound of padding feet quickly drew near to me, and stopped.  Someone delicately knelt down next to me and ran their hand over my hair, brushing away whatever filth I had collected there.

"Leave me." I mewled pitifully.

Hands grabbed my wrists and I fought them, squeezing my eyes shut as the strong hands pulled me upwards.  This person's grip was gentle but firm, loving almost.  I would not bend.  

"Leave me -  _please!_ " I begged them as further tears fell down my cheeks.

A thumb brushed away one track of tears in a show of tenderness.  Who was this person who took such liberties?

"No," said a deep voice flooded with emotion, "I shall never leave you again."

My eyes flew open, wide and hopeful, as my heart hitched in my chest and I held my breath.  Only one person had that voice.  There, kneeling in front of me like a vision sent from Andraste, was the man I had thought was gone.  White hair.  Green eyes.  My husband.

Fenris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD KILL HIM OFF?!?
> 
> O ye of little faith ;)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are set to right in Hawke's world.

_Dearest Andraste, please._

_For the love of the Maker, for the love that you bear for me, let this not be a dream.  If I have died, so be it.  If he is here, I can survive even death.  But if he is not, and this is a joke, some trick of a diseased mind, then I will not be able to survive it.  I beg of you._

_Let this be real._

*

Even as I stared I couldn't quite believe it was real.  His hands had touched my face, trailing warmth over my skin.  His fingers still held my head, no longer my wrists, and his thumb had just wiped a tear from my cheek.  All of these sensations told me one thing - I was not dreaming.  I was too scared to believe that this miracle was actually what my heart had ached for.

Trembling, I raised a hand from the cold, stone floor where I was sitting.  My heart beat with an explosion as I waited the eternal seconds to see if his skin would still be as smooth as I remembered.  Would he be there, or would the tips of my fingers pass through the illusion my mind knew it was, but my heart hoped it was not.  My mouth dried almost instantly and I tried to swallow.  I wanted to gain some hold of my tongue and try to speak, but my mind was too far gone.  It was hopeless until I knew - for definite - that he was not an illusion.

With one touch, my mind knew.

I didn't know how but suddenly my face was buried in his neck, arms locked around him, drenching his clothes with my tears.  There was nothing else; no Inquisition, no grand hall, no other sounds or sensations.  My husband had returned from the dead.  I cared not for details - right now just the warm smell of his skin was enough to stop me going all ways at once.  I knew it was him.  His smell, the smell of the night, was exactly as it should be.  The way he pulled me into him, defying convention of propriety and decency, was him through and through.

He was back.  How and why didn't matter to me.  His strong, loving arms wrapped tightly around me and we knelt there for untold moments.  Eventually though, I needed to hear his voice once more.  My mind still clung to the defensive barriers I had put up when in the Fade and just could not let go.  Just one word, maybe two.  I pulled back, my cheeks wet through, and looked up at his eyes.  They stared back and for a while we were silent.  My mouth twisted into smiles of wonder and I felt my eyes widen with hope that maybe, just maybe, this was real.  His eyes fiercely searched mine and like a thunder clap, I realised something.

He had believed I was dead too.  

This was as vital and as unbelievable to him as it was to me.  He needed to know that I was real.  His arms kept me locked to him for the simple reason that he didn't believe it either.  I could feel the waves of desperation through the way he clung to me, his grip a little too tight to be confident that what he was seeing was real.  His hands held the sides of my head with the tenderness of a lover, but the vigour of a husband who had thought his soul had been rent asunder.

"You're here." I said softly, beaming widely.  
"As are you." he whispered back, his deep voice dancing delightfully into my ears.  "I thought you were gone, Anna."  
"And I, you."  
"Tell me you're not an illusion.  I beg of you."  
My mouth broke into another smile.  "I am not.  I am h ..."

His mouth pressed on mine before I could say anything else.  Hot, fervent lips sought mine and it was as though he was kissing me for the first time.  My heart raced with the intensity of his passion and I felt the anguish he had suffered.  My soul called out to his, anxious he should know beyond all doubt I had feared the same.  He eventually drew back and rested his forehead against me.  The tips of our noses touched and I could feel his breath mingling with mine.  For a while, he held my head there.  

A polite cough sounded out.  I heard it but there was no way I was moving first.  I think Fenris might not have wanted to either as he moved to kiss me again.

"I believe you have a room for this," came an amused interruption, "and the Great Hall is not it.  Please be so good as to not put on a show for us."

Dorian.  It had to be.  I looked up into Fenris' eyes and saw the acknowledgement.  He was out and out trying to ignore the world around him but I saw the curl of amusement in his eyes.  He broke the contact between us and looked up at the mage.

"Only you could get away with that, Dorian." he growled with a dark humour, eyes blazing with a fire as he gazed upwards.  The handsome mage stood smiling victoriously.  
"And I will continue to use it to my advantage, my dear fellow."

Fenris stood up slowly, moving his hands from my head to gripping my own hand.  Delicately, he helped me to my feet.  As I stood up, I looked around and saw that I was indeed in the Great Hall of Skyhold.  Several stood around us.  Dorian, another mage that I recognised from our expedition to Adamant, and several soldiers from the citadel.  Through the shoulders of those gathered about me, I could see that more people looked over all the time, staring with open incredulity.  Quickly I looked to the fireplace where Varric usually stood but all I could see was Solas staring straight at me, most directly in fact.  Through the crowd that was forming, and the whispers that I could almost see passing behind hands from the nobles that lived inside the castle, I could almost feel him searching my mind and soul.  It intimidated me and I looked away as I stood properly.  I found to my horror just how shaken I was and I leaned on my husband heavily.

"Anna?" he murmured with concern as he suddenly had to shoulder my weight.  
"There is much to tell you, amatus, least of all that I have been through the Fade."

I felt the grip from his hand tighten and a strange sound escaped a gritted jaw.

"You have been through the _Fade?_ "

I nodded silently.  I was keen not to think too much on what I had experienced.  In fact, I was desperate that the composure with which I was carrying myself right now was within a hair's breadth of breaking.  Anything that took me back to those awful memories would send me over the edge once more.  I locked eyes with him and I could see that we were both thinking the same thing - the baby.  His head whipped to face Dorian's.

"I suggest that we move to somewhere more private?" the Tevinter mage murmured.  
"Agreed." he noted.

Gently, he guided me towards the end of the hall and out into the open.  I tried walking forward but it wasn't going to work, no doubt an effect of fighting in the Fade.  I realised that I also could barely see the walls of the Hall in which we stood.  The open doorway was a blaze of foggy bright light but nothing was edged in harsh lines, only blurry visions.  

"Fenris, I will not make our rooms." I whispered in fear.

Within the space of a heartbeat, he had swept me up into his arms and was carrying me quickly towards the tower that held our room.  Gladly I accepted the help and my head collapsed against his shoulder.  My head was beginning to feel more and more woozy.  As we walked down the grand stone steps that led into the courtyard, another set of feet were running up it.

"Killer, what the fuck are you trying to do to me?" came the panted demand.

I looked down to see Varric holding his knees and staring up at me through a pained squint.  He was not used to running and through my rapidly declining health, I smiled to see that he had sprinted to get to me.

"Give you another story, obviously." I smiled weakly.  
"Broody, what's up wi ... ?"

That was the last I heard from him before a fog of dizzying sound and spinning took my mind.  Wave upon wave of queasy nausea sent flashes of speckled colour dancing before my eyes.  I could no longer see Fenris' face and as I tried to talk, it became obvious that my ability to talk was rapidly disappearing.  

"Fenris ... help."

 

* * *

 

The soft hum of a lullaby was all I heard as I opened my eyes to see a bleakly dark room.  It was still daytime - that much was obvious from the chinks of light creeping in around the heavy curtains - but someone had tried to make it as comfortable and restful as possible.  It was warm and I found I was lying in bed in the chambers that had been given to Fenris and I.  My eyes rolled over to see my husband laying on a pillow, staring up at the ceiling, eyes staring absently beyond the darkness.

"It is a beautiful tune.  What is it?" I murmured sleepily.  Immediately he looked to me and his eyes creased warmly, recognising that I had awoken.  
"I do not even know.  I have been experiencing more and more old memories recently.  This is one of them."  
"What do you mean?"  
"It is a fragment from my past that I keep dreaming." he explained slowly. "I am being rocked, gently, and my mother is singing a song to soothe me.  I do not know how old I am, but I keep hearing this tune."  
"You have been through a lot recently.  Your mind is seeking a raw form of comfort, Fenris."  
"Danarius wiped those memories from me a long time ago.  Yet they keep breaking through."  
"It must be wonderful."   
"It is ... unexpected." he breathed quietly before sinking back into quiet reflection.  I knew enough of him to let him be.

It took me a few moments to realise that my head felt as clear as a bright summer's day and that I felt rested and glorious.

"How long have I been asleep?" I marvelled.  
"You have been in and out of consciousness for almost ten hours."  
"Ten hours?"  
"Yes.  You have had a lot of healing potions poured into you.  All manner of people have tried to see you.  Dorian has been sitting guard outside one of the tower doors and Varric the other.  They have not even let the Inquisitor in as far as I am aware.  She has tried to visit but has not pressed her luck."

I smiled at the sweet image of my friends trying to keep the world away, before more present worries began to invade my mind again.

"I assume that everything is right with my body?" I asked as my heart hammered in my chest.  My fingers scrabbled to find his and I interlaced them quickly.  "Am I fixed?"  
"You are healed, amata."  
"Completely?" came the next question.  My throat almost closed as I asked it but I needed to know.

Fenris paused for a moment as he took a deep breath.

"Yes." he replied, emotion filling his voice and making it barely more than a whisper.  My mind broke with the recognition that everything would be alright.  First Fenris had been restored to me, and now so had the child within me.    
"I am still ... ?"

He sat up and gripped his knees for a moment, steadying himself before slowly climbing down off the bed to walk to the curtains.   Light flooded the dark room and instinctively I closed my eyes against the harshness.  A draft of cold swept around the room but it only briefly interrupted the warmth from the fire.  Quickly my husband returned to my side, standing next to the bed and looking down at me with a strange glow in his eyes.  It was not one I could have described, for I had never seen it before.  It looked a mixture of pride, confusion and hope.

Slowly, he took the blanket that covered me and drew it down.  My skin ran with goose prickles as the heavy covers let in the air.

"What are you doing?" I asked when he finally let the blankets settle on my legs.

He would not say anything.  Again the strange smile played around his eyes as he stared further down my body.  Carefully, I propped myself up on my elbows and looked, expecting to see that my skin had turned green from the Fade, or that I had grown hair all over my body.  I did not expect to see what was actually there.  Instead of the smooth and toned stomach that I had been so proud of during my years with him, the lower part of my belly was rounded and ever-so-slightly swollen.  There was a certain sense of disjointed astonishment, as if I was looking at some other woman's body.  Not only had I woken up to find that I was healthy and feeling good, but that I was further advanced in my pregnancy than I had thought.

"But ... but ... I am only two months pregnant!" I sputtered, unable to tear my eyes away.  "Less than that, even!"  
"They believe the acceleration has something to do with the Fade." was the simple response.  
"'They'?"  
"Dorian and Solas have been most interested in this and have discussed it heatedly downstairs.  Solas begs to be able to examine you."  
"No!" I exclaimed abruptly.  
"And I have anticipated this.  No-one has been near you, except to heal your body.  Healers and potion-makers only.  Dorian told me that it was still there, still healthy, and that was all I needed to know."

My mind raced.

"The baby is okay?"  
"Yes, from what they tell me." he smiled.  
"Fenris ..." I cried out softly as I struggled to comprehend what had been restored, "hold me."

Lightly he climbed back into bed and lay near me. His arms wrapped across me and he moved to pull nearer to me.

"Dare I?" I asked him.  
"Dare you do what?"  
"Touch it."  
"Anna, you are the mother of that child.  Do as you wish, amata." he smiled softly.

Gingerly, unable to feel the cold of the room any more, I felt my way down my skin towards the soft fleshy mound that housed my child.  The pads rested first on the skin, as if I were making sure it was not poisoned or a trap, before the fingers stretched and I delicately extended them, pressing my palm down towards the warmth.  My hand came to rest of my stomach and I felt warmth and love for what was inside.  It was a most odd sensation, but one of the most important of my life.

My child.  It lived in me.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is driven to desire, needing to know physically that her Fenris is just the same as he ever was. She finds out to her delight that the two are as intimately compatible as they ever were.

A knock on the door interrupted the silence.  I had hardly dared to breathe as I ran my hands over my stomach, feeling the way the smooth skin gently lifted and then fell.  But the echoes that broke the gentle giggles needed answering.  Fenris rose without thinking as soon as the first sound broke the blackness.  His soft feet slipped quietly over the cold stone floor, pulling on a cotton top as he did so to join the trousers he was already wearing.  Even after all this time, no-one besides myself was ever allowed to see those cold scars of hatred inflicted by Danarius.  I was the only person he ever felt comfortable enough to show them to.

He lifted the heavy latch and pulled back the wooden door with a low creak.  The sound of hinges in need of oil almost apologised for interrupting the hiss of the fireplace.  Deep voices spoke with a soft thoughtfulness, and before long Fenris reappeared with a tray to set on a nearby table, kicking it shut behind him.  The latch caught and I knew we would not be disturbed again.  A warm smell filled the room with the aroma of beef and vegetables, juicy and delicious.  

"Food, and from the look of it, a hearty soup with bread."  
"It smells delightful." I moaned with pleasure as I stretched further into the bed.  Only yesterday I had been in the Fade and now?  Now, my husband that had returned from the dead brought food into the room that we shared in the most heavily fortified castle in a remote mountain range.  A wide smile spread across my face with the realisation that maybe, just maybe, I was safe for the time being.  The bed was warm and achingly comfortable, waiting to be enjoyed and slept in.  
"Will you join me?" came the simple invite.  "Or shall I bring it to you?"

I didn't know what it was that started my blood to pump.  There was certainly nothing ostensibly inviting in the words that he used.  Maybe it was the way he moved across the room with a feline grace.  Maybe it had been the way he had jumped up so I wouldn't have to.  Maybe it had been the way that the firelight had picked up the edges of that wonderful body.  Or maybe it was all of them, with an added bonus of the most gloriously handsome man being in the same room as me.  Looking at him as he turned to wait for my answer, my heart beat a little faster.  White hair edged in burnt orange, framing that face that was lit by the daylight from the open curtain.  I could see everything about him, and I only wanted more.  Slowly I sat up.

"Hawke?  What would you like?" he prompted again.  
"A drink.  Please."

A glass was filled from a small ewer and he walked the cup over to me, alighting on the bed next to me.  I took the glass, feeling as I did so the long, lean fingers that he had wrapped around them.  I brushed one of my own against his index finger with an air of innocence as he looked to me.  A deep drink was what I needed, I realised, and took my fill of the water offered.  When I had finished, I gave the cup back to him, catching his eye and smiling with a base purpose.  His eyes stared back at me and he smirked, lifting one corner of that wonderful, entrancing mouth.  I caught myself fixed by the grin, my own mouth mirroring his.

"You are anything but subtle, Hawke.  You never have been."  
"Fenris ..." I muttered, feeling myself falling further and further into feral passions with every passing moment.

This was my husband, the single greatest man in my life.  I had been ripped from him, only to be be rejoined back again.  Whether it was the magic from the Fade, the circumstances, or simply because I was near him, but my mind was descending into debauchery.  Staring at those lips, and feeling my chest rising as my breathing increased, I gave over my mind to the emotions that ran high in my veins.

"Fenris, put the glass down." I commanded.  
"Your wish is my command." he answered.  That deep drawl had always been able to take my knees quickly to jelly and now it was so again.  He knew exactly what he was doing.

I knelt up on the bed as I watched him take the glass and walk back to the table.  My eyes never left his body as he then went to the curtains and closed those as well.  He needed to shut the world out.  They were no longer important.  Looking back at me, he smiled in that maddening way he had and pulled off the shirt he had only just put on.  He had never had the broad shoulders that some of the Templar Knights looked to have but his body was as perfect and as honed as any I had ever had the pleasure to see.

The firelight, now the only source of light in the room, picked up the curve of his supple and strong arms.  His lyrium tattoos bent and curved over his skin and I ached to run my tongue along them.  They were mine to trace and follow, a delicious treasure map of wonderful discoveries on his vigourous body.  The shirt was abandoned on one of the chairs and he walked back to me.  He had adopted the gait of the predator again, knowing that he had prey in his sights.  

It was a raw lust that was circulating in both of us now.  I could tell he felt the same from the set of his jaw and the intensity of his eyes.  His head dipped ever-so-slightly forward and his nostrils flared, showing that he had given his mind over to the baser qualities that he possessed.  It was amazing how quickly the two of us had aligned on what we wanted.  The length of time since we had last made love was irrelevant.  What had happened between then and now made the distance seem interminable.  It could have been yesterday and I wouldn't have known, nor cared.  He had died before me, yet been reborn and restored.  I had travelled through the Fade, thought myself lost to the world forever, only to arrive back to a miracle.

He padded nearer to the bed now.  As he drew closer, I turned to drop my legs over the side of the bed.  I spread them slightly and he stood between them, the warmth of him immediately felt on my thighs.  The feel of the cloth of his trousers was rough against my legs but I didn't care.  I sat up straighter and my face was level with his chest.  A hand, gentle but firm, tipped my head back and I looked up at him.  His green eyes smouldered as they searched mine, frantic for me but unwilling to rush.  This control sent a surge of heat around my body and I flicked my dry lips with the end of my tongue.

I reached a hand around to his back and brought his body nearer to me.  Closing my eyes, I planted hot and desirous lips slowly onto his chest.  I moved with a deliberate measure, knowing that before long control would be lost and we would have abandoned ourselves to pure animal need.  His skin was as hot as I remembered it.

Again the hand pushed my head back and once more I was looking up at him.  He cradled my head with a loving hand as I stared up at him.  His chest was beginning to heave up and down as he began to war with himself; destroy me or go gentle?  

Before long I had my answer as his mouth suddenly pressed against mine, crushing lips and breathing heavily.  I was pushed back to laying on the bed as he lay on top of me.  The heat and weight of his body pressed mine into the mattress, pinning me and keeping me in place.  I pressed my mouth back, desperately kissing him.  Fingers splayed into his hair and I pulled his head hard against mine.  Breathing deepened as we both realised how much we needed this, yearned for it.  That base intertwining of limbs was physical but what we needed was more.  We both were desperate to be wrapped up in the other that we thought had been killed.  It was a physical realisation that our dreams were not over, our souls were not broken.  This was lust, yes, but it was also proof that the other was actually there.

His hands sought to bring me nearer, lifting my hips from the bed as his hand pushed their way over my arse, grasping it and pulling it towards him.  My fingers left his head and quickly sought the binding at the front of his trousers.  I had to do it all by touch as we kissed and crushed our mouths against the other.  I ripped the binding and slipped my hands below, finding quite delightfully that which was mine also.  I pushed the top of his trousers down and at once felt him pushing against me, his hard and magnificent cock insistent, yearning for me.  My thighs that had been draped over the side of the bed easily lifted to wrap around his waist.  I moaned loudly into his mouth as he bucked his hips to push into me.  My hole felt stretched in most wonderful ways, as if we had not fucked for weeks.

Stomach to stomach, we moved, sliding over each other as he moved in and out of me - in, in, _in_.  He had the sense to not squash me but that was the only higher thought he was displaying.  A hand slipped beneath the nape of my neck and he lifted my face to his, desperate to kiss me as he moved below with urgency.  Faster and faster he pushed, further and further into me.  Gone was the elf, gone was my husband and here was the beast, the caged tiger.  

I gripped him to me, arms and legs, as I felt that unmistakable heat begin to swell below.  The coils of tension began to push their way into my thighs and the first tightenings began.  As he drove into me, madder, faster, those tendrils of pleasure spread further down the muscles in my legs.  The insides of my thighs were tingling,  _alive_ with passion now as he insistently fucked me; faster, _harder_.

"Fenris, I love ..." I began but his mouth took the words away with a burning need, pressed against mine with primal need.

The coiling, twisting, thrashing power of what was to be unleashed was near to explosion now.  Grunts keened in the back of my throat with a bestial thirst.  Just a little more ...

"Um ... Maker, Fenris -  _faster_ ... ungh ... Oh, Maker, yes ...  _OH!_ "

I screamed out into the blackness of the room as rapture broke between my thighs.  My arms gripped him tighter to me, body to body, as sheer power made me orgasm and cry out.  Convulsions sent those muscles spasming, sending waves of pleasure surging around my body.  My breasts pressed against his hard chest and I threw my head back, caught in a fury of sheer ecstasy.  For a few moments, my body held rigid and all was white and golden.  

Before long, sense started to return.  My pulse raced next to my ear as I began to hear again.  A wide smile broke on my face as I caught Fenris' eyes.  His cheeks were flushed as well and I realised, to my shame, that he had come without my knowing.  Moving still, pushing into me but not so forcefully, I could see he was riding the waves of something mighty as well.

Before long, he leaned his forehead to mine as he brought himself to a stop.

"Anna, I love you." he breathed in exhaustion, his eyes glinting and bright.  
"I love you too."

Before inertia took us both, he slipped out of me and I moved myself further up the bed, laying my head on the pillow.  The trousers were completely removed and he came to rest his head on my shoulder, curling his body into mine and letting me drape my arm around him.  As we both returned to normality, sweat beginning to slip back into the skin, we simply lay there, silent and together.  Fenris and I shared such a bond that words weren't needed now.

After a while though, it was I who broke the quiet.

"There's no denying you're most definitely here, my love."  
"It would be a cruel Maker who would give me dreams so real and so perfect, only to take them away upon waking."  
"No, it is not a dream.  We are together, at last."

A sound of contentment rumbled in his throat.

"I have so many questions." I asked him.  
"Ask away.  I will hide nothing from you."

In the Fade, my mind had burned with questions, been blinded by a need for answers, but here none came.  I sought to find one that I could ask him but my mind was liquid and all thoughts had been broken.  One came back though, then another, and by pieces the power of wanting to know answers was steadily raging in me.

"How ... ?" I started with, keen to know but scared to ask.  "How did you survive?  I saw you, kneeling - an arrow sticking through your chest!  You slunk to the floor.  I couldn't get to you."  
"It is a most ... odd sensation to be run through as I was."  
"You can _remember_ it?" I asked incredulously.  
"Most keenly.  No-one who has been shot with an arrow is likely to forget it, chest or no."  
"You were surely dead!"  
"The only thing I remember was the edges of my sight wavering in black.  I could see you, could see the Dragon, but could feel nothing except cold steel.  The arrow tip had been made of metal and had cleaved a path through my body."

I squeezed my eyes shut against the memory.

"A great force awaited on the other side of the pain, amata, and it nearly dragged me in.  It breathed into me, and I was almost gone.  I was ready to accept fate and to die.  
"But you didn't." I whispered.  
"Then I remember the quiet mists of power forming rapidly near me, and a voice ...  a voice of great warmth, summoning me back from the dead, appeared in my ear and made me listen."  
"Whose?" I asked, my voice quietening to almost a whimper.  
"Dorian's." he explained.  "I could not see him but I could hear him.  He spoke to me, words of great power, and held me.  I only remember drifting into a cold, deep sleep though.  When I awoke, I was here, at Skyhold."  
"Oh my love!"  
"It is in the past.  Let us leave it there.  I beg of you." he pleaded in the deep, grave way he had.

He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.  I rolled with him and settled myself in the nook of his arm.  Willingly his arm coiled around me  and he kissed the top of my head.  This was safety, this was love.  I could not have moved from this place, in this moment, if Andraste herself had commanded it.

"I know not where you have been." he started, his voice low.  "If you say the Fade, then it is so.  But I know one thing, you are here with me now."  
"I am."  
"And we will never be parted again."  
"Agreed.  
"I love you, Anna."  
"I love you too, Fenris."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know two chapters in two nights is a lot but I'm kind of on a roll at the moment. Plus, sexy time with Fenris is always fun to write ;)


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 25 - A lazy, indulgent moment in Hawke's life which she enjoys to the fullest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one tonight, but I didn't want to go any further when I got to the end. It wouldn't have felt right. Hope you like it!

As I lay on top of my husband's chest, tenderly kissing those full, warm lips, I sighed inwardly.  I felt the edges of my mouth curl up as I did so.  The Killer of Kirkwall would have balked at such a twee display of feelings and emotions, but I - Anna - gave absolutely no care.  I was happy.  My husband and I had stayed up most of the night wrapped up in each other's arms.  Our skin had barely been apart and we had slipped and slid over each other for many hours, simply enjoying the touch of the other.  At the dark edges of my mind, I knew that eventually I would have to return to Thedas and recall what had happened in the Fade, but for now all inner turmoil could wait.

The tips of Fenris' fingers ran up and down my spine.  It had always been a most sensitive spot and one he knew would elicit a reaction.  With a pleasurable smirk, I shivered, briefly leaving his lips before quickly returning to kissing him.  His strong arms wrapped around my body, constantly running his hands over me to make sure I was still there.  Both hands, tips eager and willing just to touch and delve and explore, ran down my back, once again causing tremors over my skin.

 _"Mmmmmm...."_ I almost breathed through my nose as his hands followed the smooth skin over the swell of my arse before resting fully on the cheeks, caressing and exploring the softness.

Maker, I could kiss this man forever more.  His mouth moved against mine in the most wonderful of ways.  Always he knew how to kiss me.  Rampantly destructive when seized by passion, or tender and compassionate when I was hurt or upset.  No-one had ever tried to see past all this - the gruff, growly exterior - to get to the man underneath.  He was as considerate a lover as I could ever have hoped for.

When he wasn't in the mood for making me scream his name to the mountains.

Then, oh then.  Maker, he was a frenetic ball of sexual energy who would rip through anything to fuck me.  I was never just a pawn in his desire to rut, never just a hole.  He was bent on gaining full possession of me, but it was always me.  Nothing, _no-one_ , else would do.  I elicited this behaviour in him, and it was I he needed to rid himself of it.  He was in full control when he saw red, and it was these moments that I saw the caged tiger.  There was truly awesome power in him and I was lucky to be a part of it.

Now was not one of those moments.  We had fucked and screwed our way through the previous night, interspersed with brief bouts of sleep.  But now was a time for the finer emotions.  He kissed me as if he worshipped our life.  When we made love, that was what he celebrated.  Our union.

As his hands left my arse, they flowed to my waist to grab them, thumbs grazing the inside of my hips and driving me wild.  A groan escaped my mouth as he did so and I could feel myself getting wetter, needing to have him.  Instinctively I rolled my neck to expose the slope of my neck.  Warm breath announced the welcome pressure of his mouth, kissing his way up towards my ear.  My toes tingled as he grazed his lips against that most responsive of areas.  Pressing, pressing, kissing, lightly scraping his teeth.  Always there was an edge of danger with Fenris, always a reminder.

I rolled my hips as he pushed into me and surrendered to his hands.  I propped myself up on my elbows and threaded my fingers through his white hair, still kissing him as he rocked me gently back and forth.  Smoothly he pushed my hips back before bringing them up again.  This happened more and more; slow, steady, masterful.

Through his kisses, and the rhythm he was building, I could tell he needed more.  The tempo never increased to rapid - this wasn't fucking - but it was more insistent.  Deeper into me he slid, further, hitting more.  Grasping my hips now, he pushed me down onto him, then up, and then back down.  Our breathing was increasing, deepening.  His mouth left mine now and I could feel his breath flowing out through gritted teeth.  Grunting, he used me, pressing my hips down so he could feel more.  I moaned in his ear and felt that release deep inside me.  Rocking my hips several times more, he slowly came to a stop, panting slightly as he did so, swallowing against a dry throat.

"I do not deserve you." he said quietly, pressing his lips back onto mine.  
"Maybe not, but you've got me.  Deal with it, or move on.  I'm not going anywhere." I smiled at him, brushing the hair back from his face and smiling down at him.  
"And I love you for it." he whispered.  

When I knew that I could, I rolled off of him and lay beside him on my pillow.  His face broke into a smile as he stared at the ceiling.

"We have not left our room in over a day now, Hawke.  It is now almost dawn again."  
"Are you asking if we will have been missed?" His smile confirmed that he had been.  "Probably, but then their reaction matters if I actually give a fuck.  And that answer would be no."  
"Your reticence to consider the feelings of others is both a credit and a curse."  
"I care for them, and for their cause, but right now?  I have suffered enough for them and am taking back time for me.  They can wait.  And anyway, I am not their biggest point of concern right now.  The Champion of Kirkwall has holed up in her room with her husband that she thought was dead?  The Inquisitor is a woman, Fenris.  She will understand."  
"Understand maybe, but she will still need you."  
"Then how about we sleep now and see her in a few hours.  She will need to see the changes in me anyway."  
"Yes." he sighed, a deep sound resembling a growl.  "There will be no hiding it now, Anna.  Are you ready for this?"  
"I am.  On a depressingly practical note, I will need new clothes."  
"I'm sure the Inquisition can accommodate you."  
"Anyway, why are you still talking to me?  Come over here and hug me, Fenris."

At the friendly order, he rolled onto his side and slid a warm arm over me, pulling up the blankets as he did so.  Even though we had made love, the air was still cold and now we had stopped, I could feel the temperature falling.  After he had made sure I was tucked in, he wrapped a leg over mine and moved his face near to mine.  

"Hawke?" he whispered.  
"Yes." I replied sleepily, my eyelids already too heavy to open.  
"May I take a liberty?"

His voice was sweetly submissive for once, and I knew straight away what he wanted.  Under the blanket, I found his hand.  It resisted me pulling at first but with an kind insistence, I felt him release the tension and allow me to move it.  I felt the warm palm of his hand settle gently onto my swollen stomach.  It was stiff at first, wary about what it would do if he rested it further.  His eyes met mine and I could see the reticence echoed there.  But slowly, slowly he became more confident and it opened fully.  Tenderly he moved his hand over my stomach, wonder flowing through his eyes as he felt the rise and fall of the mound where his baby grew.

His eyes dropped from mine as his hand drew away.  

"You do me a great honour, Anna." he murmured with a contented smile as he made himself comfortable to fall asleep.  
"A baby is the ultimate partnership, Fenris.  I could not have done it without you." I told him quietly.

I kissed the top of his head as he brought his arm across me.  Closing my eyes to fall asleep, I felt a grin of serenity pull my lips back softly.  Whatever the next few months would bring, I would be happy.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Livius Erimond is judged.

The shapeless brown dress slipped over my head with great ease.  Indeed, it was far too large and hung about me with great swathes of loose fabric.  It had been the only thing that Fenris could find when I had sent him out into Skyhold to retrieve clothes.  I had tried to lace my trousers around my expanding stomach but found I could not manage it, even though I was still quite small.  My breasts _ached_ as well as I tried to put my bra on, but in the end that too proved fruitless.  I had to resort to using traditional strapping to support them.  They were tender, especially the nipples, and not just because I had fucked Fenris all night.  They felt more ... weighty and bulbous.  They had not increased much in size but they too were definitely changing.

The woollen garment was incredibly warm and I huddled myself inside it.  Long arms were a little more close fitting and I was grateful for it.  Walking over to the large mirror, I appraised the fit and laughed when I saw how much it emphasised what I had tried to hide as much as possible.  Tailoring had not been taken into consideration when this was made.  The fabric and the cut was used to serve one purpose; hard-wearing worker clothes, not pregnant warriors.

"Was this made for women in my position, amatus?" I giggled as I turned sideways and groaned with the humour of the situation.  
"It was all I could find." he growled, not realising that I was teasing him.  
"I know, but in a meeting where I am going to tell them about the baby, I was hoping to be subtle!" I laughed.  "There will be absolutely no hiding it."  
"Indeed." he said, holding out my coat.  

I held his face for a moment in silent and merry chastisement, my eyes crinkling with warm humour, before taking my coat and slipping it on.  I kissed him deftly on the cheek and headed for the door.  I had also asked Fenris to request a meeting with the Inquisitor, which had duly been arranged.  A lot needed to be discussed; Adamant, the Fade, the baby...  The coat did a little to hide the bump and I would hopefully be able to make it across the courtyard without too much interaction and gossip.  Although, if I knew anything about running an operation this size then the gossip mill would be fully functional, and before the evening then it would have been passed around like a bad cold.  

Gathering my things, I nodded to my husband who gallantly held the door open for me.  I walked down the door in front of him, already hating the way the heavy dress moved around my legs, gathering and moving to get in the way and trip me, or so it felt.  The only dress I had ever been comfortable wearing had been my wedding dress but that had been stowed a long time ago, a secret treasure I would one return to claim again.  That had almost made love to my legs, such was the watery, sensuous feeling of the silk.  But this itchy, woollen mess was going to drive me mad before long.  Yes, it was warm but it was not a good dress.  I was practical enough to realise that it would do for now so I kept quiet and walked down the stairs and out onto the parapet.  There, as if he was waiting for me, was Cole.

"Good morning, Cole." I greeted him brightly, shivering against the sudden frosty wind and the bright day.

Nervously he glanced my way, bringing his head back and looking slightly askew, as if trying to work out a confusing puzzle that I had just set him.

"It is passable."  
"Are you okay?" I followed with, ignoring his usual nebulous answer.

He stayed silent for a long time, his watery eyes flashing quickly between Fenris and myself.  As he looked at me, I could see his eyes wandering over me.  He could sense it, that much was obvious.  He knew there was a change in me.

"You are not who you were." he said after a long pause.  
"I am who I have always been, Cole.  I am Anna Hawke.  I here came to help - you know that.  You've met me."

Again he stopped to think.

"More than that.  You are more than you were." 

It was then that a look of fear washed briefly over his face.  Cowering, he turned to walk away from where I stood.  As he moved down the stairs, slowly walking with soft shuffle, I could hear him muttering to himself but couldn't pick out the words.  I walked down the stairs after him, turning the corner moments later to find that he had vanished.  This did not surprise me but I found myself unsettled at his words.  He had known all along.  Something in my mind told me quite loudly that Cole had always known.  Being pregnant would very definitely make me more than I was.  Of course I would be changed - I had physically been in the Fade, for fuck's sake - but surely carrying a baby wouldn't mean that he was  _scared_ that I was more than I was?

The frosty mountain air gave me chance to pull the coat closer around me, covering up my secrets as I went.  It was bitter this morning, worse than usual.  The sky was clear and bright, and the sun fully bursting in the heavens, but it was still icy cold.  I put it down to the mountains and snow around me and went on my way.  My nose started to go pink and my cheeks tautened.

The stairs up to the Great Hall loomed up in front of us and I set my feet on the steps, traipsing up them as quickly as I had ever done. However, by the first landing, the changes in my body were becoming prohibitive.  I was out of breath, which never happened.  Stopping to catch my breath, I looked at my husband.

"You are flushed.  Why is this?" he asked, green eyes full of concern.  
"I do not know.  These changes will happen, Fenris, but I did not think quite so soon."  
"Tell me what to do."  
"I do not know.  Give me a minute."

A roar from my stomach also announced that I was suddenly ravenous.  I had eaten a most hearty breakfast that morning and had thought myself sated, but my body was telling me very directly that it was not so.  I couldn't let him know that though, not just yet.  Looking at the second flight of steps, I gritted my teeth a little and set off.  I wasn't about to become a simpering maid who flailed at the first sign of weakness.  A sprightly pace was set but at the top, my body told me I had been foolhardy.  Wooziness hit me but I steadied myself and kept my mouth very firmly shut.  Fenris would have picked me up and taken me back to our rooms otherwise.  This meeting had to go ahead.

The hall was busy when we walked in.  All about us, guards lined the walls and watched over the throngs that had gathered.  A buzz was in the air, one filled of spirited gossip and malignant looks.  Here and there, growls were shared between those who spoke in close proximity, flashing angry eyes past the crowds to the front of the hall.

Fenris and I walked through the crowd, which parted as we walked forward.  There was not an air of deference - far from it - but one of fearful curiousity.  They knew.  They recognised that I had been in the Fade and were treating me as such.  A carrier of some deadly disease, perhaps.  If they touched me, they would be taken there too.  I paid it no mind.  In fact, I welcomed it.  I was not prepared to push past people, ask them for the way through.  I walked at them as if I expected them to move.  It was a carryover from Kirkwall and my arrogant pride swelled at the looks on the faces of those who were pushed back.  They did not want to touch me. 

At the front I found another ring of guards, this time protecting the dais and making sure the throng behaved themselves.  Upon the large and looming throne sat Eleanor, her back rigid and surveying those who stood waiting for what was now evidently going to be a judgement upon someone.  She saw me and I noticed the most slight of nods, acknowledging my arrival.  Although she was slight of build, mightiness radiated out of her.  Fate had handed her something truly awesome, in the grandest sense of the word, and she had bent to its whim, but only to be made stronger.  Her stern gaze told of a rigid stricture to the law, but something in the softness of her shoulders declared this would be a fair trial.  I took my place wordlessly next to Cullen, who acknowledged me with a quiet "Hawke", before once more silently regarding the crowds with open wariness.  I had seen one or two judgements before, but never this busy, nor this militant.  There was a heavy presence of soldiers, and Grey Wardens.  As I looked about the crowds, the blue and silver armour of the order could be seen more and more.  I saw Blackwall and Iron Bull talking against the opposite wall, both with fierce looks in their eyes.  Blackwall stood with an air of stern determination and I wondered at it.

A door opened and a hush fell upon the crowd.

Josephine paraded out, followed by two armoured guards that dragged a prisoner who bucked and shied against the shackles in which they found themselves.  He raised his head to glare at those around him.  I gasped, and my shoulders raised.  Foul violence streamed through me and stirred the insides of my blackening mind.

 _Erimond_.

With a red mist descending, and hearing Tevene profanities from my husband, I started forward, only to find that an arm had rested on my shoulder to pull me back.  Evidently that person had known I was going to try and kill him, and had moved quickly to stop him.  I looked round quickly, snarling at the man who had stopped me, only to see that it was not Fenris, but Cullen that had restrained me.  He shook his head with a warning look and pulled me back, throwing his eyes to where the Inquisitor waited.  One glance at where she sat told me that this man would get the justice he needed to have thrust upon him, and the revenge that we all bayed for.  He had stirred such hatred amongst those Grey Wardens that Adamant had needed to be stopped.  His love and blind loyalty to Corypheus made me feel physically sick.

This was the man who had caused Fenris to be killed.  

"Adamant's influence continues, your Worship." Josephine's voice rang out, causing further silence to ripple around the room.  We hung on her words.  "I submit Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, who remains loyal to Corypheus.  We found him alive," she said sneeringly, turning to face the man who the guards who flung him in front of Eleanor, "offering extreme resistance.  Likely because the Order will ask for his head. In more colourful terms." she smirked with a dark undertone.  "To say nothing of Justice you might  _personally_ require for what was suffered in the Fade."

As if to say in silent, rageful tones that this man was unutterably evil and not even worthy of her time, Eleanor leant back in her chair and sent a clear message across the room: he was finished, not even worthy of proper respect.

"This should be quick." she said, steepling her fingers and gazing at him.  I didn't even think I saw her blink.  He was fixed in her gaze, and he squirmed.  Not that he would let anyone see it, but he did.  
"I recognise none of this proceeding." he snarled with a provocative obstinance.  "You have no authority to judge me."

Eleanor's lips rippled ever so slightly as she gazed with a quivering eye at the vermin that stood before her.  She hated him almost as much as me.  Being so near to her, I could see that her knuckles were turning slowly white.  She was desperately trying for nonchalance but fury was spilling out across the floor.  It writhed and seethed out of her.

"On the contrary," Josephine snapped, pulling me out of my own fury, "many officials have communicated that they will defer to the Inquisitor on this matter."

The Antivan's voice, usually so officious and curt, also curled and snarled with a barely hidden distaste.  As I looked at the side profile of the man that had set about events that would lead to the almost death of my husband, and  _so_  much more besides, I could feel the rank creepings of bile rising up the back of my throat.  With sheer determination, I kept the waves of sickness at bay.  Some things were more important. _  
_

"Because they fear.  Not _just_ Corypheus, but Tevinter, rightful ruler of every piece of ground you've trod in your pathetic life."

Instinctively I turned rapidly, knowing who I would have to restrain this time.  I tried to call Cullen but he had had the same idea as me.  The large Templar had moved quickly in front of my husband whose arms were beginning to glow blue.  Snaking wiry tendrils were tracing their way around his arm, winding their way up and signalling that he was becoming angrier by the second.  A whole world of angry erupted from Fenris' throat as he gritted his teeth and strained against the rage.  My hands flew to the sides of his head and I pulled his face to look at me.

"Fenris," I whispered heatedly, "listen to me."

His breathing was becoming dangerously uncontrolled and he stared past my head, not even seeing me.

"I will kill him myself." he snarled malevolently.  
"Amatus, please look at me." I srated quickly, dragging his face to watch mine. I knew that I needed to say something that would pluck him out of his frenzy.  If I didn't rescue him, then Erimond would likely be dead before judged.  "Please, Fenris, you cannot do this.  If you let this dark passion erupt, Erimond wins. _Danarius_ wins."

There.  I had said his name.  Fenris whipped his eyes to mine finally.  At the mention of his former master's name, his eyes had broken to mine.  Nostrils flaring, jaw bulging, he did not even look like my Fenris.  But he still looked.

"We left Tevinter behind long ago, my friend." a warm voice spoke quietly.  I looked quickly to see Dorian's face just next to us.  I had not even noticed he was present, but I was more than glad to have him here now.  He lay a hand on Fenris' shoulder and leaned in to his ear.  "Erimond demonstrates quite aptly that Tevinter is rotten, and their magisters have only aided that fall from glory.  He will die, but not here."  Leaning in closer, he dropped his voice and whispered, "I have a feeling that the Inquisitor has something more ... _delicious_ in store for him."

The shaking, rolling of Fenris' chest at the sudden explosion of hatred left him trembling but slowly he came down.  He sought me out first, checking that I was still there, before looking for Dorian.

"Yes, I am a Tevinter mage but hopefully, my dear fellow, I have more style than that  _ass_."

Both the Inquisitor and Erimond stood at that moment of truth.  He looked up to her, I noticed with a smirk of irony, even though his brow was weighed down with foul hostility.  Those icy blue eyes stared, defiant, at the woman who would bring her wrath and ruin, and smite him with it.  I wanted to be the one to cast the sword, Fenris wanted to rip out his heart, Dorian wanted to banish the man, but Eleanor?  She turned her head to look to where I stood.  I pulled myself up, my chin lifting aggressively, and her head nodded again.  She knew.  As her eyes washed over myself, Fenris, Dorian, Cullen, and then around the sea of those who barked and bayed for his life, she surveyed them before looking back to me.  Then I saw the edges of her lips smirk.  

The hall fell silent as they waited for her response.

"You are the worst of us." she began.  Her clear voice, full of velvet and bite, rang out across the heads of those that had gathered.  Somehow it managed to garner more and more gravitas as she continued to talk.  "The damage you have done is beyond all measuring."  Here her eyes caught mine and for a moment, they were full of heartbreaking compassion.  But the hole in the armour was brief and the steely gaze returned.  "A mage's crime, a mage's punishment.  Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, I deny you death."

My heart caught in my throat and hope began to strangle me.  Would she dish out a fitting punishment?

"Tranquility."

The knell rang out.  For a few moments, all was shocked silence.  Dorian let out a low whistle as the knave was dragged backwards towards the cells again to await his fate.  He fought and bucked against his sentence, screaming and cursing us all, until the door from whence he had come slammed shut behind him with a resonant clang.

"It is not enough," Fenris growled, "but it will do.  For now."  
"It is as much as the Inquisitor can do." Cullen said calmly, defending the woman who had risen from her chair.  "Any other option would have had him winning."

Eleanor walked over to where we stood but she didn't see anyone, just the door to Josephine's office that sat squarely behind us.  I slid backwards, as did most of those who blocked the door, and let her in.  The door shut quickly behind her.  All around where we stood, guards started to move people aside and back towards the open archway at the end of the room.  She had given some kind of unseen signal and now the space was being vacated.  As the rabble slowly started to move, I saw more of her core council walking towards where we were.

"Champion." the lilting voice of Josephine interrupted the sudden rapid discussion that had broken out all around us and echoed off of the walls.  "The Inquisitor will see you shortly but begs for a few moments first."  
"Of course.  I will wait."

It would give me a chance to work out what I would say to them.  


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke tells the Inquisitor about the baby. Cole lets slip that he knows of other secrets ...

There were dark vows of justice and vengeance ringing in the air as we all walked through the door into the War Council chamber.  Fenris still retained the faint air of blue luminescence as he escorted me into the room.   Cullen walked nearby as he kept a keen eye on the back of my husband.  His eyes, although exhausted, kept a lock on him and it was painfully clear that even after all this time, Cullen didn't trust Fenris not to erupt.  Even I, so intimately connected to him as I was, didn't entirely trust his temper right now.  It had receded but the lyrium tattoos still beat with a dull blue pulse.  

We mingled about the table and I saw Cullen take up a position behind it, still able to keep a keen eye on Fenris but perhaps to get away from the close proximity of people, even in this small room.  Perhaps he just wanted to survey the table.  He was always thinking about his job and I watched him look down at the map almost involuntarily.  As I looked on him, and watched him gaze over the deployment of his troops, I saw care there.  Eyes sought to find solutions to the problems that the Inquisition was facing, and I knew he would want to do it with the fewest casualties possible, but he was also a realist, and always had been.  He knew the realities of war and I guessed that was one of the things that haunted him.  He would have to send troops to their death before the war was over, as he would have invariably done so already.  Those shoulders sloped with the duty that fell on them.

As I surveyed the room, and the few that had gathered there, I wondered at how I was going to actually say what I needed to.  Leliana talked quietly in the corner with Josephine whilst Eleanor was nowhere to be seen.  I couldn't blame her for wanting a few moments of privacy, especially after what had passed only moments before.  Severing someone's mind from the Fade was weighty indeed, and the worst actions that could be taken against a mage.  If it had been anyone else, then I would have been protesting.  I had seen too many mages made Tranquil by the Tempars, often friends that had become dear to me.  But I shut my eyes against the memories from Dairsmuid that threatened to take over.  Erimond, however, deserved everything that he got.  That smarmy, arrogant  _fuck_ would be put to rights with the brand of Tranquility stamped clearly and angrily across his forehead.  I wished I was the one to do it, preferably with my boot, but it would no doubt be done through official channels.  Feeling the levels of anger and hatred rising, I tried to concentrate on breathing evenly.  I had to calm down.

"Forgive me." Eleanor's voice interrupted my thoughts and brought everyone in the room to silence.  She held the door open and in walked Cole, cautiously looking around at those gathered and immediately seeking a place behind where Eleanor stood, alighting on a window seat beneath one of the tall, lead framed windows.  His eyes searched the room but he seemed to retreat into himself defensively, looking at us almost with panic.  The Inquisitor's stern, resolute voice told me that she still had not managed to bring herself down from the gathering in the hall but her kind eyes spoke of an effort to do so.  It was understandable.  After all, she had condemned someone to live out the remains of their days in a state of suspension, their minds not their own.  "Cole had caught me for a quick chat.  I obliged him, and asked him to come here."

I looked at him, only to find he stared at me from under the blonde hair that hung down over his face limply.  It unnerved me instantly.  There was such a look of sadness, twinned with what appeared to be abject fear.  What had I done that would elicit such a strong reaction?  Instinctively my hands moved to cover my stomach.

"Sera Hawke, you wished a meeting."  
"That is correct, Inquisitor." I said rapidly, dragging my eyes back to her.  
"Before you start, may I say how pleased I am to see both you and your husband well.  Ser Fenris, I was personally devastated to learn that you had almost died in Adamant.  To see you here and healthy is a blessing from the Maker."  
"You are most gracious." the deep drawl rang out.  "Let it be said that I would not have been there had it not been for Erimond.  He is a particularly vile example of what magisters can do.  Men left to fester when dark magic promises the world.  Thank you for setting such an example."

Eleanor nodded her head benevolently.

"Anything else would have been a victory for Erimond.  He was most ... defiant in our attempts to deny him his freedom or his life."  
"When will it be performed?" I asked.  
"It is being performed even as we speak." she told us all.    
"Where is he now?  I assume he is being held safely.  That creature has a silver tongue."  
"Yes Hawke, the Inquisitor will have everything under control." Cullen spoke out curtly.  I smiled at him, taking the edge of his ire.  I wouldn't be talked down to like that.  
"What was it that you wanted to talk about anyway?  You have everyone's ear."

This was it.  This was the moment.  As I glanced at their faces, I tried to guage what I thought their reactions would be.  My pulse was beginning to race a little.  What was I so afraid of?  They couldn't remove the baby from me.  They wouldn't throw me out into the mountains.  I supposed that I was nervous that they would want to study me.  I had been through the Fade, which in itself was a miracle.  We had been physically into that other realm, a feat not done since the magisters of old.  However, I held something special in me.  Something that would be of increasing interest, especially as it had been in the Fade too.

My stomach suddenly cramped and my face froze.  It wasn't the pains I had known before, when all the pain was about to pour out of me.  No, this was different.  It was all around my stomach, as if something was pushing outwards in all directions.  My skin tingled as if on fire as the skin seemed to stretch, pulling in so many different ways.  I panicked and I knew that it had registered on my face.

"Hawke?" came the Inquisitor's concerned voice.  "Are you quite well?"

Still my stomach tugged and pulled.  My mind was sick with worry; was the baby okay?  Was my body rejecting it?  What was happening?  Slowly though, the fire that had skittered about the skin surrounding my child seemed to recede and in waves, seemed to calm down.  I let out a deep breath, only to find that Fenris' arm had come to rest on the small of my back and he stared at me now.

"What is the matter?"

How could I explain what had just happened?  It was almost impossible to put into words.  Seeing that all eyes were now on me, whether concerned or annoyed at the interruption, I decided that I couldn't get away from it any longer.  Pursing my lips and letting out a long, slow breath, I started to unbutton my coat.  My fingers, usually so dextrous, struggled with undoing the first few.  I held Eleanor's eye as I did so and I saw her share a look of confusion with Leliana before turning back to me.  The final button was undone and I calmly slipped the coat off of my shoulders.

There was a stunned silence.

One by one, I saw eyes trail down me as if to try and work out the puzzle.  But people reacted differently than I thought they would.  Eleanor's eyes bulged slightly when they arrived at the obviously swollen stomach whilst Cullen emitted a slightly strangulated noise.  Leliana smiled at me and nodded, her head bending slightly with a warm look.  It was Eleanor that spoke first.

"Urm, Hawke ... ?" she stammered.  I could tell that she wanted to be polite but just simply did not know what to say.  
"Yes?"  
"Can you please explain ... this?" she asked, thrusting a hand out to my stomach.

_Really?  You really need me to explain this?  Oh well ..._

"Well, I fucked my husband and got pregnant.  There's no real explanation needed, surely?" I answered flippantly.  

My eyes flickered to Leliana who tried to hide a wry smile behind a politely curled fist, before straightening herself and returning to standing impassively to one side.  I noticed, with a great deal of interest, that an exceedingly brief look passed between Cullen and the Inquisitor, with the latter blushing ever so faintly.

"Are you trying to tell us that we let a pregnant woman go into battle?" Cullen asked as a rising tide of crimson crept up from his neck.  His fingers flexed and straightened as he fought to understand.  
"Nobody _let_ her do anything." Fenris spat.  "She is a woman and she made her own decisions."  
"But we should have  _known_.  You should have told us!" he said fiercely.  
"Why?  Why should she?" Fenris snarled.  
"You couldn't have protected me.  This was my battle to face!" I returned, equally as heatedly.  "My family's blood let Corypheus out!  It was me that had to finish this."  
"But you put others at risk!"  
"How?  How did I do that?  How did my  _not_ telling you affect you in any way?  You allow women to go into battle!  Bravo! But you can't possibly know if any of them are pregnant when they fight, and it would be _their_ choice to go into battle.  What are you going to do?  Have the mages scan every single one of them?  Ask them if they are _virtuous?_ "  I could feel myself getting more and more wound up.  
"You were foolhardy!" he chastised.  "If something had happened ..."  
"Nothing did happen!"  
"What kind of mother goes into battle?"  
"The kind who wants to make a difference in a cruel world.  The kind that wants to show their children to clean up after their mistakes!" I half-shouted.  
"It was not your mistake." Eleanor offered.  
"Who's else was it?" I shouted, foolishly allowing myself to get carried away.  "My own father locked up Corypheus.  It was the blood of the Hawke they wanted, and they got!" I snapped emotionally, feeling years of keeping it locked away come flooding to the fore and spilling out.  "If I hadn't have gone speeding into the Vimmark Mountains, if I had seen past Janeka's attempts to lure me in, then Corypheus would still be sealed into his prison!  It is  _entirely_ my fault!"

My voice cried out into the room, and I heard it reverberate off of the stone walls.

"I will not apologise for getting pregnant, nor will I apologise for keeping it a secret.  I have been on the run since _Kirkwall_ , for fuck's sake.  I want normality.  I have a husband, I have built up a life for myself but I want what everyone wants - a family.  You know nothing of my background but I have  _no-one_ left, save Fenris.   _This_ is mine."  
"But why didn't you tell anyone?" Cullen asked, his voice now much calmer.  
"Because I have fought the Chantry for years.  People who have tried to kill me and tried to rip my life apart.  What Anders did in Kirkwall, what was started, has echoed across Thedas.  There are some dark people out to find me.  If they knew that I was pregnant, then it is another sword with which to kill me.  Another dagger to plunge into my heart.  I _have_ to keep my child safe."

The room was silent.  I saw Cullen stare past the table, his eyes sad at the memories stirred.  Eleanor continued to look at me.

"You have been through so much.  I have the Inquisition at my control.  We could have helped you.  You _should_ have told someone." she said with a voice full of compassionate care.    
"And that was nobody's decision to make, except myself and Fenris." I sighed.  
"Is there anyone else that knows?" she asked.  
"Yes."  
"You told others but not us!?" Cullen cried, starting forward.  
"Yes.  There are ...," I raised my eyes to the ceiling and quickly totted up how many knew, "... two people, aside from myself and my husband that know.  Within this citadel anyway.  Don't even bother asking for I will not tell you who they are." I stated decisively, seeing Cullen wind up to ask.

A silence fell over the room.  Josephine walked towards the Inquisitor and whispered something in her ear.  Eleanor bent her head and listened before nodding, allowing the Antivan to move quickly to the door and leave.  My keen eyes watched her like an eagle as she walked quickly out, never once glancing my way.  By the time the Inquisitor turned back to me, she was much calmer.

"How many months pregnant are you?"  
"Before Adamant, I was two months gone.  I believe so, anyway."  
"'Was'?" Leliana asked in confusion.  
"Look at me." I remonstrated, pulling the material back over my stomach.  "Do I look like I am two months pregnant?"  
"No, you do not."  
"This was one of the things I had to talk to you about.  This," I flicked a hand towards the bump, "has ... _grown_ over the past few days.  Before I went into the Fade I was not showing.  I had been feeling sick - a lot - but not this much.  My stomach was flat.  Entirely flat."

Eleanor looked at Cole who nodded back at her.  Sluggishly he climbed down off of the window seat and shuffled to where she stood.

"The reason why I was late," she started as she looked first at Cole then to me, "is that Cole has said that you had something important to share."  
"I had not told him.  You can be rest assured of that."  
"But you did tell me.  Not with your mouth but with your mind and your body." he said forlornly.  "I am confused for you _did_ tell me."  
"You said there was something else?" Eleanor prompted him.  
"She is more than she was." the young boy tried to say.  
"I understand that now though." came the smile from the Inquisitor.  
"No, you don't.  None of you do.  She is bound.  Bound tight in the middle.  ' _Mata_ '," he cried, eyes welling up with tears, "' _Mata_ ' is all I hear when I look at her."

I froze.  There was no possible way he could have known that word.   _Mata_ wasn't even the word for mother, or any diminutive of it; 'amma' would have been better used.  Only one person, be he spirit or creature, had ever used that word around me.  Feeling my own eyes fall with tears, my hands swept quickly to cover them as I stumbled backwards.  Fenris caught me swiftly.  All I could hear from around me was the busy hustle of activity born of acute concern.  Everyone was talking at once.

"Amata?  Anna?" Fenris asked, voice hitching in worry.  He had moved to stand in front of me and gripped my forearms tightly.  "What is wrong?"  
"Leliana, fetch Solas.  Or any other mage." came Eleanor's voice.   
"Bring me a chair." commanded Cullen.  

Before long, I found myself being lowered into a seat.  Someone had thrust a cup into my hand and I slowly sipped wine from it.  The floor seemed a very distant echo of what I stared at, seeing again the being cloaked in white light.  The man who had saved me.  All other noises sank into muted obscurity as I closed my eyes and tried to remember his voice.  An armoured hand rested on my forearm and brought me back to the present.  I looked up to see the faces of those people still left in the room looking down at me.  Eleanor stood with her arms cross, one hand brought nervously up to play with her mouth.  Her eyes crinkled as she waited for me to talk.  Cullen's face had softened massively.  He no longer stood to accuse me of withholding information, but now I saw the friend that I had known before.  He waited patiently and kindly.  Cole still stood by the table.  They all waited for me to talk.

With a deep breath, and another sip of the wine, I smiled in sorrow, before looking to catch the green eyes of my elf.

"He was our son."


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas brings some more news that Hawke was not expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some themes running through this fanfic that I know some people may find upsetting, some of which are revisited in this chapter. I am indeed sensitive to this but if something is particularly painful, please do not hesitate to contact me.

For a moment, Fenris couldn't move.

A look of complete and utter shock stole all other emotions from his face, rendering him completely silent. All was still, apart from the full beating of his heart, made all the more apparent in the veins that crept up his neck.   _  
_

"Our  _son?_ " he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.

My lips pressed together as I fought to keep my emotions in check.  Feeling as though I might collapse inside at any moment, just from the memory of that wonderful creature, I could feel them tremble.  I nodded briefly.  For a moment Fenris and I were all alone in the room.  Nobody existed next to us.  We were parents, joined in the grief that we had shared for the loss of our baby many years ago.

"Hawke?" came the soft, soothing voice of the Inquisitor, almost apologising for interrupting.  "Are you okay?"

The noise caused me to move and I sat up.  A tear that had beaded on my eye, fell over and trailed down my cheek.  Almost embarrassed for such a public display of emotion, I dashed it away quickly.

"I would feel more comfortable talking about this if you weren't stood over me like I was some captured enemy that you were interrogating." I groaned, not looking up at them but resting my forehead on the tips of my fingers.

Almost as if they hadn't realised what they were doing, they all broke out of their silence at once and looked around themselves for seats.  Enough had been dotted around the room that both Eleanor and Cullen were soon seated.  Leliana had disappeared, presumably to return soon.  I wasn't enthralled with the prospect of Solas returning to speak to me.  He unnerved me.  Reserved and quiet, he simply stared at me as if I was a puzzle to work out.  Once he got here, it would be ... distracting.  Cole, I noticed, had returned to the window seat, sat facing me, and looked out of it.  Seemingly disinterested in what we had to say, he appeared to be watching birds fly around in the sky.  Eleanor sat waiting whilst Cullen leaned back in his chair.  His face assumed that look that I had long associated with him, and one I had feared recently that he had lost; a patient half-smile that could only come from a true friend.

Fenris, however, had moved to stand near to the door.  He stood with his forehead lowered, staring at me through his hair, his face rapidly darkening.  I knew, beyond all doubt, that he wasn't angry at me.  Far from it.  He found this tougher than I did at times.  But he shared a look with me now, one of support.  He was here for me.  Arms crossed defensively in front of him, he leaned back against the wall.

"Well, where do I begin? " I began shakily before a stern, matter-of-fact nature took my voice.  I coughed to clear a sudden lump that had taken root in my throat.  "Three years ago, I found that I was pregnant.  It was not meant to be.  Two months later, whatever that creation was then decided that I was not the host for it and left."  I hated to discuss it but unfortunately it was necessary.  

Eleanor inhaled sharply through her nose.

"I had lost the baby so I raged through Dairsmuid.  I am not ashamed to admit it.  I slew - a lot."  I guiltily glanced up at Cullen, who had dropped his eyes with a quiet sigh.  He had known what I had done.  I had killed his former brothers in the Templar Order.  How much did he hate me for it?  "Grief consumed me.  It may not be the best explanation, but it is the only one I have.  Now, here at Skyhold, events conspired to take me into the Fade.  Those events are known - you yourself experienced them, Eleanor.  However, what you didn't know, when we were all there, is that I had started to see ... spirits.  Well, one in particular."

I took a moment.  I had experienced such love as I had never known, a different feeling altogether from that I received and gave to Fenris.  

"He claimed he was my son."

I looked to Fenris to see he stared at the floor.  I could see the ball of muscles on his jaw working, gritting to keep him together.  I knew the pain that he had felt.  That night, many moons ago, he had been so proud to find out he would be a father.  For weeks he would talk of nothing else, in private anyway.  Plans were made and rearranged, and nothing would be too good or too much for his child.  Only for him to fall far when the dreaded news came that his plans were going to prove empty, and fruitless.  I had never seen him as bereft, as _numb_ , as on that day when the mage had delivered the dreaded news.  He had tried to keep himself together for me but it had almost broken him.  Without killing many,  _many_ people, the rage would never have abated.  We had clung to each other, grasping for any semblance of normality and driven ahead with our fight against the Templars.  For a while it had worked.  For a while we had gripped that bitch with both hands and ripped at its throat.  But grief eventually caught up with us and we collapsed.  Fenris was left to pick up the pieces of our madness, and it still affected him today.  

Looking at him now, I waited for him to look at me but he was trying desperately to stay together.  From the clench of the jaw to the way his arms folded solidly across his chest to the way he stared through the floor at the world beyond, I could tell what he was feeling.

"Hawke," Cullen interrupted as he leant forward a little, staring at me with those eyes that seemed to beseech forgiveness even before he had spoke, "I'm going to ask this and I think I know what the answer is ..."  
"He was." I interrupted.  "There is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever."  
"But he could have been a malevolent spirit, a _demon_ even."

I fixed Cullen by the eye and even _felt_ my pupils constrict.

"Listen to me, and listen well." I growled maliciously.  "There is  _no_ doubt in my mind that the creature that guided me through the Fade, fought by my side, defended me - he _was_ my son.  Do not ask me again."  
"You say he defended you?  How?" Eleanor asked calmly as she tried to diffuse the tension.  I could feel she knew how tough this was on me.  
"Spirits seemed to attack me.  Did you not see that?"  
"No," Eleanor spoke quietly, "all we saw was you thrashing around.  Waving your blades into the ether.  I knew something was different but I had no idea."  
"They were no illusions." I explained.  "They were real.  My son was a fighter.  We fought together but he kept the main ones off me.  Until ... "

The door opened and Leliana walked in.  This was it, I realised, as I felt my heart race.  Sitting upright in my chair, I tried to compose myself.  I didn't know why I was so nervous around this quiet, intense elven mage who watched without saying a word.  Eleanor and Cullen looked round at the interruption and we all watched as the man simply walked into the room.  The Inquisitor stood up to greet him.

"Solas."  
"Inquisitor." he returned quietly.

It was then that he turned to look at me.  There was a gravity in him from which I felt I could not escape.  Sounds, like distant whisps of many voices caught in a breeze, breathed into my mind as his eyes unlocked mine.  I could not describe how I felt, but it was akin to ... vulnerable, like all my secrets were laid bare on a table for him to read.  There was another thing; he smelled of the Fade.  It did not assault the nose but more enticed the senses, stealing around us like the perfumed scent of a Chantry burner, soft and insidious.  Slowly, without releasing me from his mental grasp, he nodded.

" _Andaran atish'an_ , Solas." I gifted, speaking one of the few Elvish phrases I knew.  The edge of his lip raised very slightly with a knowing smile and he graciously nodded his thanks.  
"Champion," he said, speaking with a gentle lilt, "I trust that you are well?"  
"As could be expected."  
"Yes.  The Fade is a singular place to be.  Full of strange treasures to those who are willing to walk it."  
"Hawke was just telling us about her experience there." Eleanor explained, ushering him into a chair.  
"If the Champion deems it okay, I would be grateful if I could stand."

Feeling perplexed, I nodded my assent and watched as he folded his arms and returned the gaze intently.  Wrenching my eyes away, I saw Leliana had taken a similar position to Fenris but on another wall.  It was strange how comfortable she seemed in the shadows, but there she stood and there she seemed to fit. I had assumed that Fenris would still have been staring at the floor but he regarded the others like he was appraising potential threats.

"To fill you in, Solas, I was talking about my experience in the Fade."  
"Leliana has been good enough to give me the important details." he gallantly explained.  "I understand this must have been a totally different experience for you."  
"Do you have any knowledge of pregnant women in the Fade?" Eleanor asked.  
"Forgive me, but I barely have experience of  _anyone_ physically being in the Fade, let alone a baby."

He fell silent for a moment and I looked up to him again.  More of the same silent, intense studying.

"You met someone there, didn't you?" he asked after a while, slowly and deliberately, as if he knew the answer and he was guiding me.  "Someone profoundly intimate to you."  
"How ... ?" I breathed, before collecting myself.  "You could not possibly have known that.  I have only just told the Inquisitor."  
"The Fade speaks to me, through ways you cannot imagine." he explained with a strange smile on his face.  "Who was he?"  
"My son." I told him, no longer doubting what he knew and could do.  "Some of those here present doubt that belief."  
"Well, they would be fools to doubt you.  Surely knowing your child is near may be one of the defining features of a mother?"

I heard Cullen shift slightly in his chair and I was not ashamed to admit that my pride swelled a little.  He had doubted me, there was no denying it, and now an expert on the Fade had just confirmed my thoughts.  He avoided my eyes, instead choosing to rest his gaze on the Inquisitor.  

"Please go on." that very woman prompted.  
"We approached a moment before meeting that spider beast in which one particularly dedicated spirit broke from the surroundings and ran towards me.  There was a fight like had not happened since I had arrived in the Fade."

I stopped as violent emotions swept through me.  My throat felt as if it was constricting as I fought to hold back more tears.  Through sheer determination, I beat them back down, swallowing to stop them escaping.  My voice, however, was strained and I spoke in a low hush. 

"The malevolent spirit and my son fought and rolled in battle.  There were no blades as such, but more a fight of wills, of their very minds.  The corrupt spirit broke away and was just ahead of my son, but my boy chose this last time to throw himself against the malignance.  A clash occured and I shielded my eyes.  When I opened them, both were gone.  My son was, once again, no more."

Cold reporting of what had happened was the only way I could relay what had happened.  My voice was flat and passionless.  As I stopped, hollowness was the only thing I could feel.  It grew and grew until the void that I felt seemed to stretch to all corners of my mind.  At this point, Fenris pushed away from the wall and silently left the room.  The door banged quietly against the frame and announced his exit to those gathered, most of whom looked to see what had happened.  None of them had seen him leave but I had.  It was not unexpected and I forgave him straight away for it.  This room, this news, was too oppressive for him and he had sought escape.

Silence regained the room as those gathered turned back to me once more.

"Champion?" Solas asked.  
"Yes?"

He paused, regarding me again with eyes that burned into me.  My mind felt as though another wanted to listen, to find out about me, and it was a charming and alluring feeling.  But almost primevally, I yanked my head back to stop this melding.  My suspicions were on alert now.  What was he trying to do?

"Inquisitor, if I may be so bold, I would like to ask that everyone, aside from yourself, myself and Sera Hawke leave the room?  I have something particularly private that I need to speak of."

She briefly looked a little confused but when Solas bent down to whisper in her ear, she nodded and asked those gathered to leave the Council Chamber.  Leliana did not look comfortable and her bold gaze at Solas as she left spoke many volumes about her displeasure at such a matter.  The window that Cole had taken up was vacant but I could not say that I had seen him leave, nor could I say for certain how long he had been missing.  Cullen was the last to leave the room and contempt was riddled into the blackening look he couldn't even contain.  He wasn't used to being dismissed.  The displeasure was entirely lost on Solas who ignored the exodus and remained fixed on me.

"Well, Solas, they have left.  It is just us three.  What did you have to say?"  
"Sera Hawke," he began gently as he moved to sit down on the seat Cullen had just vacated, "you said you were attacked by a spirit.  It was not the only one, am I correct?"  
"That is right.  There were many others."  
"Did you experience any of this, Inquisitor?" he asked softly.    
She shook her head.  "No.  There were spirits that guarded my memories but none that randomly attacked us.  A few maybe, but not as heavily as Hawke is describing."  
"Champion, did you ever wonder  _why_   this was?  Why _you_?"

My head shook.

"I did not.  My mind was not my own.  I did not know what to think!  Where are you going with this?" I openly demanded.  
"When the mind is in the Fade, it is a beacon to spirits.  Dreamers are a link to the physical, the 'real' world as it were."  
"Yes, I know this." I snapped, fearful of where this conversation was going.  
"Forgive me.  What you may not know is that when a baby is still infinitesimally small, it is without a soul, or so the spirits believe.  Your baby, the one you presently carry, would have been a grand prize.  The chance to cross over into this world?  Glorious to any spirit."  
"Are you saying that I carry a demon spirit inside me?  Is that what you're accusing me of?  That I allowed a spirit to ... infect my child and that I carried it back here?"

I stood up quickly, pushing myself up with the aid of the arm.  This was too much.  My mind raced away as I paced the floor.  Frantically I pushed aside the furniture as I sought to put space between myself and the horror that my thoughts had raced to.  If he was saying that I carried a malevolent spirit, that my  _child_ harboured something evil in it, then would he also suggest ... ? _  
_

"You misunderstand me, Champion." came the calm voice as he stood up as well.  He had the sense not to move nearer but he did face me.  His fingers arched in front of him, dipping towards the floor as he regarded my state of distress.  My hands wrapped and unwrapped around themselves as I fought to keep the rampant fear from letting me kill him here and now.  With his smooth tones floating across the War Table to me, I at least stopped and looked at him.  "There is nothing demonic about the being that inhabits your baby."  
"But there  _is_ something there?" I asked, swallowing against my anxiety.  Fingers flexed and clenched, knuckles rapping on the table to distract myself.  
"Yes.  Your son."

Time stopped.

"I _beg_ your pardon?"

My heart beat slowly next to my ear with a deafening  _whoom, whoom, whoom_.  Nausea crept up my throat and strangled me.  Running a trembling hand over my face, I wiped away sweat from my brow and brought my fingers in front of my face to stare at them.  What was he even saying?  I felt a warm hand run over my shoulders as I leaned forward on the table.  Rolling my head to the side, I saw Eleanor smiling forlornly at me.

"Please explain." my voice quivered as I stared back at the table.  
"Once a dreamer is taken, it is no longer desirable.  There is no way to cross over the Veil as the passage has gone.  Your son?  He sacrificed himself.  In the moment, he made a decision - to move beyond into the Void and allow his brethren to be possessed by a destructive spirit, or take that place himself and give up the chance at eternal rest I believe he chose the latter."

My teeth hurt from where my jaw clenched so hard against the news that my son was still with me.  The dichotomic agony rampaged through me.  He had given up his eternal rest to save his brother or sister.  My head felt light and I gripped the table with burning knuckles.  Wretched pride and gratitude filled me as my mind rolled between what choices he must have faced, and the short space of time he had to make it.  Tears beaded on my eyelids as I stared at an increasingly blurred table.

"And you're sure of this?" strained my voice.  
"Yes."  
"Can I talk to him?"   
"No.  He is inside the baby now."  
"Will he be aware of what he has done?"  
"There is no way to know.  I am sorry to bear bad news.  It is most distressing to see that you arequire worried."  
"No," I asserted quietly, "no, that is not what I feel.  I feel joy.  I feel ... _pride_."

Tears fell down my cheeks, gathering inelegantly on my chin and dripping onto the table, unseen beyond the wavering vision.  A squeeze on my arm told me that Eleanor was still silently there, supportive and warm as ever.  

"Solas?"  
"Yes?"  
"Will the other baby be okay?"  
"Yes, it will.  It is a vessel to carry another.  Your son has not replaced that soul, it just sharing that body."

The Council Chamber had changed in its atmosphere.  I no longer felt like I could help any more.  I needed to leave.  It was too much, way too much.  Wiping away the wet from my eyes, I looked up at the Inquisitor, not even daring to look at Solas.

"Forgive me, I must go."

She nodded her assent.  Melancholy streamed through her.  For a moment, we were not the Champion and the Inquisitor, but two women.  Friends, even.  An understanding of equals passed between us and I stood up straight.  My legs felt like mud clung to them and made walking nigh on impossible.  Struggling, I made it to the door.  With a hand on the open wooden door, I stopped and stared at the stone floor beyond the room I was in.

"Thank you, Solas.  Without that, I would have lived my life wondering what had happened to him.  Now, I know."  
" _Ir abelas_ , Sera." came the soft , apologetic goodbye.

With that, I walked out into the corridor, and left.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke's news ripples around the castle. She meets the woman who may one day deliver her baby, but will Fenris scare her off?

_I am so alone._

As I walked along the corridor between the Council chamber and Josephine's office, an overwhelming surge of oppressive solitude swept over me.  Placing one foot in front of the other seemed to move me forward and I concentrated on that.   _Step, step, step._  Cold stone tapped by hard shoes.  The sharp sound clipped off of the stone to my right and met the cold draft of air streaming in from my left.  They seemed to surge and groan about me as I walked forward.  Lifting my sullen head up, the weather seemed to be performing a merry dance. Wind streamed in from the mountains and was dancing snow about on the eddies and currents.  It was only slight at the moment but seemed to be a omen for later; silent, threatening, watching.   _  
_

Bethany, Carver, Mother, Anders; all the important people in my life had left me.  An angry voice from the back of my head shouted that one had not, but I was too melancholy to listen.  A deep breath and a slow exhale, lest my shaking legs go from under me.  I had suffered so much loss.  So very fucking much.  But to have my son restored to me in the most discordant of ways?  It was simply incomprehensible.  I would have to process it over many days with many bottles of wine.  Hands clawed at the heavens and a scream of vile frustration erupted at the thought that now I would not be able to drown out my sorrows as once I would have done.

The door to Josephine's office was pushed open and I walked through quickly.  I didn't even want to look behind me to see if she was there. Somehow I felt that she was.  Her eyes seemed to bore into the back of me, scorching threats across my shoulder blades.  I didn't like the woman.  I didn't like the way she had obviously judged me.  That part  _riled_ \- her ignorance of the real me. 

Maker, I was being morose.  This was not me.  Over all the times I had been against the ropes, nothing had defeated me.  It had not done it then and it would not do it now.  With a massive mental kick, I told myself to shut the fuck up and picked my chin up off my chest.  I strode, rather than slunk, and my head was taller for it.  Fists clenching, I practically shoved the other door off the hinges, causing it bang on the wall of the Great Hall.  Looking around, I could see a  _lot_ of heads had suddenly turned in my direction.  Eyes trailed their invasive fingers all over me.  I hated The Game, hated the bullshit of it, and here were many egos that specialised in it.  In the silence, gasps and shocked inhales announced that more than a few of them noticed my stomach.  I realised with sudden dread that I hadn't remembered to pick my coat up off of the chair.  Was this day turning out to be anything other than a fucking nightmare?  Should I strip down to my underclothes?  Fuck it.  Why not go the full hog and get naked?  Maybe dance as well.  Idiots, the lot of them.  

I noticed Varric stood in his usual place in the corner by his fire.  He seemed to be pitching a fit so I walked over to him, through the crowd of stunned onlookers.  As I passed, the gossip of the gathered court nobles started, following me like a shroud.  Gathered hands hid whispered intrigues and I knew that I had provided enough fodder for the Orlesian rabble that were here in this hall to last for time immemorial.  By the time I had reached the fireplace, the noise was back where it was as the news had no doubt rippled around the room in prattling waves.  Varric's shoulders shook up and down as he looked at me with tears streaming down his face.  

"What?" I snapped, standing there with my arms folded tight across my chest.  
"Never tell me again that you don't make an entrance.  Oh, and nice way to announce your news to the most eager set of gossips known to walk Thedas."  
"Don't forget to count yourself in that crowd, Varric." I whipped back at him.  
"Why do you think they gather here?  They flock to their King."

I gave a half-hearted snort as I looked around, catching several of the nobility in the eye and staring.  If only I could will them to _try_ something, then I could have the chance to _hit_ something.

"What's going on, Killer?  First Broody came streaming out of the meeting, then you.  If I missed some important news ... "

I pursed my lips and felt my brow draw in.  A sad sigh escaped through my nose.  It only took a flash of my eyes on Varric's waiting face for him to draw back with a dejected air.

"Baby Hawke okay?" he asked quietly.  I nodded subtly.  "But it's to do with that, right?"  
"Oh yes." I replied, not entirely trusting my voice to stick.  I needed to find Fenris and explain everything to him that Solas had told me.  Maybe he could help me understand it.  My eyes took another accusing sweep of the crowds who were now desperate to avoid my gaze.  Mask upon fucking gilded mask caught the sunlight and reflected it, causing me to blink and look to where the next threat was coming from.  I hated them  _all_.  What was the point?  "Do you know where ..." I asked Varric absently without even looking. 

Upon hearing silence, I looked quickly down to see he was smiling up at me and pointing out of the doorway.  There was a look in his eyes that almost broke me.  He was my friend and I could tell he was worried.  Past all the bravado and arrogance, there was a decent man hidden.  Not that I would ever say that to his face though.  I would never live it down.

"You and Broody.  Both a little bit broken."  
"We need a drink." I groaned before smirking a little.  "We have so much shit thrown at us recently that we both just need to unwind."  
"Hawke!" Varric cried, throwing his arms up with a huge grin on his face.  "You came to the right dwarf!  Meet me tonight in the Herald's Rest.  I'll do everything else."  I could see the cogs whirring inside his head.  
"Varric, you may not get Fenris drunk just so you can get him to strip."  
"But he _loves_ it!  I swear, that elf has some major exhibitionist tendencies just waiting to come out."  
"No, he does not." I smiled before a maudlin tremble almost took me.  Gulping back another wave of fear and confusion, I backed away from my friend.  "I'll meet you there, Varric." I mumbled as I turned and walked out.

Walking down the steps, I could hear Fenris before I could see him.  Shouts and clanging steel caught my ear through the general din that was the courtyard of Skyhold.  Cries echoed up to me and on the breeze I could make out his voice.  Snow fell with delicate kisses, pricking my skin.  I loved the poetry of the messy, swirling, white flakes and normally I would have delighted in watching the silent dance from the skies, but I needed to find my husband.  Down the slippery steps I went, treading carefully to avoid slipping.  I noted with a wry smile that it would be just my luck to have made it through the Fade, only to fall down some steps and break something.

I hugged myself as I walked quickly across the snow covered ground.  Down amongst the buildings the wind was a little calmer but the snow kept falling.  My feet carried me over the thin covering and I revelled upon hearing the _crunch, crunch_ of the fresh snow.  In most places it had been already beaten down by the many people scurrying over the open ground.  They didn't have the time to feel the joy of the powdery loveliness beneath their feet, but I did.  I sought out the patches that had not been mutilated and purposely left the imprint of my boot behind.

A momentary burst of joy hit me as I realised that one day I would have to teach my children how to make snowmen, and play about in the wildness of a virgin field covered in the stuff.  An image raced into my head, completely unbidden, of a wall of snow hastily cobbled together out of the drifts with Fenris and the young ones cowering behind, a brace of snowballs within arms reach.  I would be removed from them, possibly behind my own fortifications and maybe with another child.  As I walked across the open space, I grinned at how the morose feelings that came with being cooped up inside were slowly falling away.  

I trudged through the cold air, shoulders hunched against the drop in temperature, towards the far corner from which I could hear fighting.  Steel clashed against steel and I not only heard the angry cries of my husband but those of a woman.  Rounding the corner, in an area of the courtyard almost made for brawling, I saw Fenris and Cassandra fighting against each other with an almighty fury.  Immediately my worries were heightened.  He had been upset when he left, which I didn't blame him for.  Did she simply say the wrong thing?  As I watched, Fenris brought his sword up to swing down with a brutal ferocity, but she was quick to plant her back heel in the snow and bolster herself against an attack.  Parrying with a roar, Cassandra pressed forward and attacked my husband.  Slice, slash, upper cut - Fenris was backed into a corner.  My own heart was racing.  However, he swept the blade low, causing her to jump.  I knew this maneouvre that he used and, sure enough, he brought the pommel immediately up and into the stomach of the famed warrior.  Clutching her torso, she reeled backwards a couple of steps, sucking in air through gritted teeth.  She looked up at him through almost red eyes.  Sensing she was winding up for more, I shouted at both of them.

"What the fuck is going on!?" I cried, causing them to halt.  My voice was taken a little by the weather but the sound carried well enough to interrupt them before anything else happened.  
"Hawke!" cried Fenris, dropping the sword immediately and running over.  "What are you doing out here in this weather?" he asked, accusation mixing with worry in his voice.  
"No, no, no! First, I want some answers."  I demanded as I watched Cassandra walk up, courting a sheepish look that seemed to apologise without even saying anything.  "What was going on here?"

They both exchanged glances before Cassandra opened her mouth first. 

"Champion, forgive me.  Your husband asked me to spar with him.  He pushed me and I'm ashamed to say I gave no quarter.  He fought so well that I began to not think about who he was.  To you."  
"Do not take the blame for this, Cassandra." Fenris admonished.  "Anna, it was indeed I who invited her to fight.  I needed to do something.  After what was said in that meeting ..." he spat, raising his hand to gesture at the unseen War Council chamber.  
"I understand but I know you, and I know how you fight.  Fenris, you looked ready to kill her!"  
"She is a warrior of excellent ability.  I would not have been satisfied with just anyone.  I stated that I needed to fight something as if to the death.  She obliged."

The Seeker raised her chin a little and looked at my husband through the tops of her eyes.  There was a moment when I thought I saw the faintest flush of pink sweep her cheeks as she shut her eyes briefly against the compliment, almost willing it to fall away, or to have never been said at all.  She still breathed heavily from the fight but it was more than recovering from pain.  She was embarrassed.  Pulling herself up, it was almost as if it never had been.  Cassandra seemed to be a creature of many layers, but recognising her own worth did not look to be one of them.

"Why are we still standing here in the cold air anyway?" Fenris suddenly demanded.  "Let us retreat inside."  
"Agreed.  Cassandra, may I borrow back my husband, please?" I smiled at her, shivering for the first time.  

Fenris was wrapping his arms around my shoulders and I could feel the heat from his body, having recently undergone strenuous exercise.  Turning to hug him, I tried to leech as much warmth as possible.  It was the first time that I noticed just how much I had grown.  Normally I could fit against his body well.  However, now as he held me close to him and rubbed his hands up and down my back, the baby seemed to be more than just in the middle.  It did not seem to be intrusive though, but had swollen to take up space between the two of us.  I thought with a smile that it felt more than natural that Fenris would hold me as I held the child.  A tight little unit together.

"This cannot be good for the baby." I said to him.  
"Champion?" came the shocked question.

I turned to look at her.  Obviously, from the look on her face, she had overheard me.  Not that it would matter now.  I had thrust my news upon the players of The Game and by now, even kitchen staff would have heard it.  Maybe even birds would have left with hastily written notes.  There was no hiding it any more.  Pulling away from my husband, I turned to face her full on and saw her eyes fall down to my stomach, confirming what she had overheard.

"But ... but ..." she sputtered, her eyes wide with fear.  "We let you fight in battle!"  
"Yes, I fought but it was my own choice."  
"Are you quite well?" she stammered.  
"I am fine.  Just a little cold."  
"But you've been through the Fade!  I ... I cannot believe I let you do this.  Maker's breath, please accept my apologies!" 

Cassandra appeared to forget herself and started forward, desperate that I should forgive her for something that was not hers to decide in the first place.  

"Seeker!" I called, taking a step back.  At my tone, and the formal use of her title, she appeared to remember herself and withdrew, mortified once more.  
"Forgive me." she mumbled, before walking off towards the building where she lived.  A growl from my elf told me that we were lingering too long in the cold night air.  
"Let us withdraw to our chambers, Anna.  There is much to talk about."

It was with deep gratitude that I let Fenris steer me through the cold.  Forgetting my coat would be counted amongst my more stupid moves.  The door to our room was pushed open and I walked straight to the fire, shivering against the fierce heat until finally I felt something like warmth spread through my body.  I had not realised how numb I had become until my shoulders uncurled and I slunk down onto a nearby chair.  

A knock came from the door.

"Are we not to get a moment's peace in this accursed place?" snarled Fenris.  
"Hush, amatus.  It may be Eleanor."

His jaw set forward almost aggressively, he stomped over to the door before yanking it open.  

"State your business quickly, or leave."  Rolling my eyes at my husband's delicate ways, I looked over to where a terrified woman dressed in functionally brown clothes stared up at him.  She looked from him to me, begging for help to deal with this monster.  
"Fenris, stand down and let her in." I said, caught halfway between amusement and irritation.  "Come in, please." I entreated, eager to soothe the frightened woman.  
"Madame Champion, my name is Ruth." came a thick Orlesian accent.  "Josephine asked me to come and see you.  I was sat in the antechamber downstairs, ready, but you didn't notice me.  That's okay!" she rushed, scuttling away from Fenris as quick as she could.  
"Why would Josephine have asked you to come and see me?" came the immediate wonder.  Caution arose in me that this was some ill intent of hers before I pressed that back.  Not even she would attempt anything within the walls of Skyhold, would she?  
"I work with the infirmary and have skills regarding women and ... "  Here she looked to Fenris who continued to stare straight at her eyes, making her stammer and start to sweat.  "... their cycles."  
"Ah!  Fenris, please shut the door."

With a growl that even I could hear from my seat by the fire, he walked and shut the door.  I knew it would be shot as a warning to the new intruder that should she try anything, he would likely rip her lungs out through her ribcage.  There was a line between protective and aggressive that he seemed to stomp along these days, barely recognising that he often faltered onto the wrong side.  I would need to talk to him, but not right now.  The door slammed shut and it made the woman jump a little.

"Please, come and sit by the fire.  You must be freezing."  
"Thank you, Sera."

She took up my offer and came to sit down opposite, but kept one wary eye on the skulking elf that stuck to the shadows.

"Women's cycles?  So you help with moonflows and ..."  
"And birthing children, but there's not much call for that here in Skyhold.  Mainly I get called down into Rognac for that."  
"We arrive at the crux of the matter." I smiled at her, pushing myself to standing and feeling that the bump was definitely starting to stop me move as fluidly as I would have hoped.  "I am pregnant."

Almost as if her training kicked into action, a different persona seemed to make the nerves evaporate.  Instead of a meek and terrified woman, wisdom now stared up at me through kind and compassionate eyes.

"Congratulations." she beamed, which caused a fellow grin to break out afresh on my face.  I realised that this was the first person to recognise the joy of the situation.  "How far are you?"  
"Well, isn't that the question?  Do you know my story?"  A shook head gave me my answer.  I was damned if I was going to give her the full version.  I hadn't even sorted it all out myself yet.  "Well, before I went into the Fade with the Inquisitor, I was roughly two months pregnant."

Her eyes fluttered over my belly and her eyebrows raised a little, before her skills tamed them.

"From my experience in this, I would argue that your baby is roughly double that.  To me, you look as if you are four months along, if you'll forgive me using an ugly local phrase.  From your build, and what I know of you, Champion, your stomach is showing too much to be anywhere under that.   _Your_ muscles will be strong, enough to pull much of what the baby is doing back inside you.  However, because of how much you have swollen, and your breast enlargement, I would definitely argue that you are at  _least_ four months pregnant."  
"I don't understand how though."  
"It is a mystery." she shrugged.  "I do not know how a baby skips two months.  However, if it is true, if you  _have_ been in the Fade, then it will have done something.  Surely."  
"Solas may know.  We will ask him." I threw over to Fenris, who remained glaring at the woman.  At the mention of the other elf, the revelations from the meeting came crashing back to me and I sat back down again.  Leaning my head on a shaky hand, I looked over to the woman.  "Do you have any advice?"  
"Only to keep your strength up with frequent meals and plenty to drink.  Take wine for a tonic should you feel ill, but not too much.  Get plenty of rest.  There is not much that you need to know that your body will not tell you about in due course.  And I am always here for questions.  Believe me, you cannot ask me something that I will not have heard many times before."  
"You've dealt with Fade babies before then?" growled Fenris sarcastically from the shadows.  "Hawke, we need not have worried.  Next, she'll be telling me that she's a mage."  
"Well, yes, actually ..."  
"Perfect.  Absolutely perfect." he interrupted.  
"Fenris, before you castigate the woman, let us talk in private.  There is always more to every tale."

I caught his face but he turned from me, aching pain in his eyes.  His lips pressed thin and colourless at the thought that yet more bad news was coming his way.  How I longed to soothe him, but what would I say?  First I needed to get rid of our guest.  Turning to Ruth, I tried to acknowledge my gratitude, but only a thin and watery smile ruffled my lips.  I could not bring myself to talk properly as my emotions had began to turn over my stomach and my mind.

"Please report back to Josephine that I will be happy to talk to you again, should I need to.  Where will I find you?" I murmured.  
"I work with the infirmary most days that I am inside the castle.  However, I am only a few hours away should you find that I am in Rognac. The castle can fetch me quickly."  
"Thank you."  
"I will leave you now, Sera Hawke." she asked, sensing that somehow her time was up.  "It has been a pleasure meeting you.  And you, Ser." she said to Fenris who stood up straighter and stared straight back at her.  She walked quickly out of the room and the door shut behind her quickly with a sharp  _click_.  My husband went to make sure that it was shut tight after her and that no-one could get in.

"Now, amata." he said, turning to me and alighting on the very chair she had just vacated.  He wore a look of concern as he reached for my hand, giving me the cue that he knew I was hiding something from him.  His green eyes were usually so very expressive and even now, they told me that he bore a deep worry for me.    
  
"Tell me what else was discussed."


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke takes dinner with the Inquisitor and finds out something quite special ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was going to write a massive chapter but it kept sprawling and sprawling. It needs to be in two chapters so here is part one ...

In the end, Fenris took the news as he knew he would; silently, stoically, but with buried chaos. 

"So, let me understand you.   _Both_  our children are inside you?"  
"That is what Solas tells me."  
"And you trust this mage?"  
"There is something about him, but my instinct is to trust Eleanor and she has admitted him into her inner circle.  I have no reason to suspect he would lie to me.  What deep and dark secret could he hold that hasn't been found out by Leliana?"  
"Maybe he is a Chantry spy?" Fenris sneered, anger following quickly on the heels of the worry.  
"I doubt it."  
"He is a _mage_ , Hawke."  
"Fenris, what is this?  I thought all this was behind you."

He stared into the fire and for a while, looked beyond the flames.  Where his mind was, I did not know but there was pain there.  I could see the firelight dancing over his face, picking out the way his brow had drawn in with deep thought and memory.  An elbow had come to lean on the arm of the chair and he absently played with his lip, the way he always did when consumed with the past.

"It is not something I wish to talk about." he said after a while.  

Tingles of frustration ran up my spine but I pushed them back.  Fenris was not someone to push when on the edge of deep emotion, the same as with me.  Perhaps that was why we worked so well together.  We understood the other's needs, and right now he needed space.  What I had told him, after all, was perplexing to say the least.

"Anna, I love you but I need to leave.  I wish to be alone for a while." he told me, standing up and moving to retrieve his sword and mountain clothes.  

I nodded.  Although my heart was racing, this had happened before.  He would likely disappear into the mountains for the day and return to me later.  Fenris couldn't be contained.  Perhaps a layover from all those years ago when restrained by Danarius, tortured by Hadriana, paraded before Tevinter mages day after day.  My mind burned with worry of how he was feeling but, as ever, I surpressed all that and simply watched him leave.  The door was closed without saying a word and the sounds of his feet disappeared down the stone steps.  I hated it.  Every time he did this, I loathed it but I understood it.  I knew his need to simply escape.

I spent the afternoon in the bedchamber.  Servants kept me regularly fed, knocking on the door timidly before being called to enter.  I slept, ate, fretted.  At times, I sat on the balcony gazing up at the mountains, wondering where he was and if he was okay.  I raged at myself for being so weak and worrying about him, only to find myself staring out of windows wondering where he was.  When I did sleep, I had fitful dreams full of nervous delusions, borne out of my concern.  The chamber was kept warm with servants that crept in, restocked the fire and moved without paying attention to the troubled woman who stood and stared absently.  I found that I took to running my hand over my bump as well, unconsciously reassuring the baby that _adda_ would be back.  

Josephine even sent up two tailors to measure me.  They were polite and professional, even chatting amiably about the pregnancy, but always there were furtive looks around the room.  Who, or what, they were looking for, I didn't know, but I noticed the nervous glances into the dark shadows.  I pushed those feelings of resentment towards them out of me and smiled happily as they discussed the clothes they would make.  It was a friendly way to spend an hour, and it distracted me greatly from the elf shaped hole in the room.  Something that I was growing increasingly more worried about as the day went on and the shadows lengthened. 

Towards the end of the afternoon, when the smells of evening food drifted up to me, I decided that I had been cooped up too long.  If he wasn't coming back, he wouldn't be back till the next day.  He knew how to survive.  Mercifully the snow had ceased to fall.  That was good as even though the snow had been light, the two of us had spent enough time in the mountains to know how deathly cold it could get.  Making sure I was wrapped up in an adapted coat that the tailors had somehow thrown together in such a short space of time, I walked to find some food.

Upon entering the Herald's Rest, I was greeted with a wall of warmth and sound.  A beautiful tune was being played and floated over the men and women who were being served their evening meals.  The tables were full and as I looked around, not one person turned their head to me.  There were no lingering feelings of malice that I could sense, no fear or resentment, but simply the atmosphere that came with the end of the working day.  People were crowding into somewhere warm and bringing mirth and stories and friendship.  Laughter - sometimes raucous, sometimes happy, sometimes filthy - spilled out of everywhere.  A barreling guffaw burst through the din and I looked to see Iron Bull and his men seated around a table.  

I moved to join him but through the crowds, I watched as a thin serving boy pressed forward towards me.

"Champion, are you wishing to take a meal?"  
"If possible.  But it looks very crowded.  I can come back later."  
"Not at all.  The Inquisitor is already seated and wonders if you and your husband would like to join her."

Wow, what a punch to the stomach.

"He will not be joining us tonight but show me.  I am very hungry."  
"Please, follow me."

He wended his way through the throng, deftly maneouvring himself around the patrons that seemed to fill all available space.  They moved aside when I glared at them.  Maybe I shouldn't have been so awkward but I didn't care to cosy those around me.  They would move or be destroyed, such was my mental state as I walked through the crowd.  

"Hawke." Eleanor said happily as she saw me.  Inevitably her eyes darkened a little when she noticed I was alone but mercifully, she said nothing.  "Please join me."  
"Thank you.  I am ravenous." I stated enthusiastically as I reached for some bread.  By the time she started talking, after amusedly noting that I was ignoring normal civilities, I had already buttered it and was chewing.  
"I have heard that women in your place get hungry." came the wry comment as she poured with me a glass of water with twinkling eyes.  
"I have heard that too.  And now know it to be true."  
"How are you feeling?  Sick?"  
"That stage has mercifully passed.  It is not enough that my body is being ransacked for all its goodness, but it was deciding to forcibly eject my food as well."  
"It makes you wonder what the Maker had in mind."  
"I think Andraste turned into a bitch when she got knocked up." I joked to which Eleanor gasped and then giggled endearingly behind her hands.  "And now he is punishing all of us."  
"Indeed." she smiled, taking a sip of wine.  "Where is your husband?" 

She had asked it in such a breezy way that I could not be angry, nor lie to her.

"I do not know."  
"Pardon me?"  
"He has taken the news of the return of our son ... in the same way he takes all such similar news.  He has to take time by himself to process it."  
"I see."  
"No, you don't." I smiled, unintentionally condescending, which was wrong of me.  "Until you know his history, you can't understand his need to escape.  He will return."  
"Are you not worried about him?"  

Maker, she was naive if she was going to ask such pertinent, and personal, questions.  Well, two could play at that game ...

"Wouldn't you be if Commander Cullen disappeared off into the mountains?" punched the seemingly nonchalant reply.  

As I took a sip of my water, I held her eyes and could feel myself not blink.  This prey was in my sights now.  I only wanted to toy with her, but she hadn't realised what she had asked.  Immediately the cheeks began to redden and the eyes to widen.  She squirmed slightly but recovered herself quickly.  This was no fool to be trifling with.  A blank stare, that screamed there was more behind it, streamed out of her eyes.  The Inquisitor almost took over but the woman, Eleanor, kept a firm leash.

"As with any of my council." came the forced and diplomatic answer.  
"Cut the shit, Eleanor." I smiled, feeling the need to dominate dissipate quickly as I watched her fingers knit and unknit.  She was distinctly uncomfortable and I felt ungrateful at how I had played with her.  Lowering my voice, I smiled.  "It is obvious how you feel about each other."  
"About ... each other?" she stammered slightly.  Again, she repositioned herself on the seat.  "Can we please talk about something else?"  
"Of course." I smiled with easy confidence as I sat back in my chair, hands open wide with confidence.  "We can talk about supply chains, battle tactics, birthing positions.  It is up to you."

I smiled at her.  It was a maternal kind of grin, one that I hoped an older sister would employ when trying to get a little scamp of a sister to bring me in on hijinks she had played.  The ghost of Bethany drifted over my mind and I swallowed hard against the memory, feeling a cold air wash over me.  Blinking and gripping my hands tightly was the trick I had always used, and it worked again for me now.  But still, Eleanor sat in front of me.  She was teetering on the edge of talking.  Tiny muscles twitched in her face, quite clearly announcing her inner turmoil.

"But I know that you can be alone in the midst of the hurricane.  Believe me, I know." came the soothing prompt.  
"And why do you say that to me?"  
"Do you not remember what I said to you on the battlements?"

Her eyes drifted as she thought back to that conversation.  Suddenly her eyes softened as a private memory obviously invaded her mind.  Slowly a grin began to curl outwards from the rigid mouth that gave judgement and decided the fate of nations and armies, that gave orders to kill and to save.  That mouth couldn't help but smile as she thought about the memory of something, or someone.  Would she open up to me?  Would she take me in as a confidante?

"You know my secrets.  I am pregnant by a man who has fucked off into the mountains when he learned that the baby was possessed, possibly."  
"You have more on your plate than I do, it seems."  
"Not any more, I don't."  
"You ran Kirkwall."  
"And you run the Inquisition."  
"You started the mage rebellion."  
"Once again, a falsehood.  I did not blow up the Chantry, nor have any idea it would happen.  Eleanor, you run a nation state.  You are effectively a Queen."

She picked up a glass and took a lengthy sip of it.  There was the air of denial about her as she set it back down again.

"I don't think that I'm a Queen."  
"You damn well are, and you need a King.  At least for a night." I sniggered as I dipped my bread into a chunky soup that had been delivered.  

She snorted and looked up at me.  I held her eyes as the light behind them sang with a thousand diamond glints.  A bond had been formed.  She knew I was someone who could understand.

"I can't stop thinking about him." burst forth the stoppered voice, finally breaking open the floods.  She sat forward, her body empowered by the force of her words.  
"His arse is glorious, that's why!" I smirked, catching her eye in conspiratorial warmth.

Eleanor laughed heartily and I could see her visibly relax.

"Oh, Hawke ..." she started eagerly.  
"Eleanor, if we are to discuss the finer points of Cullen's arse, then you can call me Anna.  Dispense with the pleasantries." I smirked.  
"He is just so ... so ..."  
"Dreamy, that's what he is!" I stated quite openly.  I had always thought him to be ridiculously handsome in Kirkwall.  Only ever as an objective witness though, as I had a handsome elf to fuck.  "He is everything that little girls imagine they will marry some day."

The smile broke forth to a massive beam and light shone from her face.  Eleanor indulged in a few moments of heady dreaming before reining back her dizziness and bringing her lips under control.

"We are more than dreamers, you and I.  More than maidens to rut with."  
"Oh my Maker, you do not have to justify a rampant need to objectify a very, very handsome man!" I could feel myself getting wound up with good humour.  "You and I are what people would call 'strong women'.  We fight, we kill, we bang heads together to get shit done.  We are not, and never will be, simpering maids.  I cannot stand all that fawning bullshit.  It's never been in my ability to go weak over men in general.  Not that I haven't over 'a' man now and again." I stopped and winked at her.  "However, my point is that we have earned that degree of respectability that we can sit back and drool over a man every now and again, and ignore those who think we do it just because we are women.  Enough with promoting your gender, and enjoy looking at that magnificent body!"  
"Oh believe me, I do!  Okay then, I've seen him a couple of times after fighting practice, on a particularly hot day, with his top off."  
"Nice?" I grinned, sitting back and eating some grapes.  
"Words cannot even describe the perfection." she almost sang as she tucked into her food.  
"So why haven't you done anything?"  
"Because he is the leader of my armies.  I cannot have those in my ranks sneering because they think he got ahead by ... "  
"Fucking you up against a wall?" I teased.  
"No, I ..."  
"By making you scream?"  
"Let me finish!" she burst with, exasperated but smiling.  "No, not screams."  
"But you want him to?" I asked, just on the edge of leadingly naughty.  
"So badly." she replied, biting her lip with a impish light to her eyes and curling her body up.  
"Interesting ..." I mused as I uncorked the wine bottle and topped up her glass.  This was now my new project.  "Have you done anything?"  
"He kissed me."  
"This is a positive step forward for the Chantry choir boy."  
"That was a fortnight ago though.  We haven't had a chance to discuss it, what with the Fade, and you, and the whole ruddy Inquisition ... !"  
"I'm sorry, I don't understand.  He kissed you, obviously displaying that he likes you, very much.  You like him.  What is the problem?"  
"Well, let me ask about Fenris.  How long after you first kissed him did you discuss anything?"  
"Well ..." I said, feeling my own cheeks flush upon remembering that night, long ago.  However, the years after that were when my heart had had to heal.  We had made love and then ... nothing.  He had left me broken on the bed and had walked away.  The pain of that deep, deep cut into my heart stirred dark emotions that I had thought long buried.  "It was almost three years."  
"Three years?" Eleanor exclaimed.  "But what ... "  
"I see what you are doing, Inquisitor." I smiled, the hard personality of the Champion of Kirkwall back in place, my tone friendly but my bearing and looks telling her not to proceed.  With Fenris gone, I could not bear to think about the time that he had hurt me the most. With him gone as well, it was almost unbearable.  "You are diverting my attention away from the matter at hand.  Shame on you!"   
"I did not."  
"Yes, you did, you minx.  Now ignore all this around you and tell me more about this kiss ..."


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is only part two of The Chapter That Sprawled ...

By the time we had finished our meals, Eleanor and I were fast friends.  We had talked over virtually everything; from the Mage Rebellion, to Kirkwall, to Fenris, to Cullen, to sex, to babies, to birthing, to raising children, to our own childhoods, to our lives since then - and the cycle would repeat again.  She had a wicked sense of humour, and as she had been drinking wine, she was a little more free with her tongue than she would normally have been.  Not that she was drunk.  No, Eleanor was far too sensible for that.  She watched what I poured with a stare akin to an eagle's gaze.  However, it seemed as though she didn't need the drink.  She was happy, and that made me glad.  I hadn't had a girl friend since Hansa in Dairsmuid, and Maker did I miss that connection.  Actually, I missed my crazy elf friend like nothing else right now.  I needed her to tell me what to do.  But no, I refused to think of that.  With a wrench, I pulled my mind back to Eleanor and the fun we had had for the past hour and a half.  Any sadness I felt melted away quickly as I saw those green eyes dancing.  She looked relaxed, and that made it all worth while.

As we stood up at the end of the meal, there was what felt like gas moving around my system so I stood still and tried to figure it out, hoping that my pregnancy wouldn't be reduced to an undignified mess of wind.  Massaging the side of my bump seemed to make it stop for a while.

"Are you okay?"   
"Yes, it feels like lots of tiny bubbles are popping inside me.  All along the outside of my lower stomach.  Just on the right side though."  
"Could it be the meal?  Your system moving gas around?"  
"Maybe." I shrugged as I picked up my coat.  "It's probably nothing.  I don't feel any pain, just ... bubbles."

The coat was just slung over my arm as we walked towards the room that had been reserved.  On the stairs up, we met Dorian and Iron Bull who had previously been talking in quite close quarters.  

"Inquisitor." Dorian remarked brightly before nodding to me, "Champion."  
"Woah, Champ.  Nice bump." Bull said in his usual light manner and extremely deep voice.  His eyebrows raised a little and his smile spoke more than he was letting on, but he was being kind and I liked it.  
"Thanks.  I like it." I responded.  
"Yes ..." Dorian started before Eleanor interrupted her.  
"No offence Dorian but, come on people!" Eleanor cried, trying to make people move by bouncing around and physically trying to shove them up the stairs.  It was heartening to see her so alive and unguarded.  "I've been looking forward to this night off ever since Varric suggested it."  
"Yes, he's a sod for playing cards and taking people's money.  Remind me why we keep on turning up to these things?"  Dorian asked, laughing warmly up at Bull who lumbered up the stairs next to him.  
"Champion?" came a gruff voice just behind me.  Turning round, I could see a barman standing waiting impatiently, as if he had more important things than to deliver a message.  
"Yes?" came the cautious response.  
"There's a man outside.  Says he needs to speak to you."  
"A man?"  
"I'm sure I've seen him with you before, in here."

Knowing exactly who it was now, I gave my apologies to the group and strode over quickly after nodding my thanks at the barkeep.  With each step, I internalised a war.  Raging anger at being left alone battled with a rampant need to know Fenris was okay, for who else could it be?  Even though I knew he was proficient at surviving in the mountains, there was an ever-growing part of me that just needed to touch him to make sure he was alright.  

I stopped dead in my tracks before I even got to the door.

This was the man who had sworn a day ago never to leave me again, and yet he had done so.   _I_ couldn't escape this baby.  Anything that happened to it, happened to me too.  However, Fenris made a choice to leave.  He had found out something deeply unsettling about our baby - something I still had not processed - and had left.  My husband had abandoned me, right at the moment that I needed him.  Of course I had played the part for the Inquisitor; the dutiful and understanding wife.  Inside I was furious; full of spit and rage, and loneliness.

I stomped over to the door and threw it open, only to find it had started to snow again.  Damn this weather!  Soft, fat flakes fell from the dark skies, softly interrupting the light that spilled out from the Herald's Rest.  The evening had drawn on quite quickly in the time I had been eating with Eleanor, and now silent snow and the night time drew in how far I could see.  Stepping out over the threshold, I noticed the cold immediately and hugged myself as the snow kissed my face.  

"Hawke." called a low voice to my side.

Immediately I looked over.  Seeing him there bought back a thousand memories.  He leaned back against the wall with his arms folded defensively across his chest.  He stood with his head bowed and regarded the ground with self-loathing, just as he had done all those years ago in Kirkwall, after we had fought Hadriana and I had returned to my estate.  Every line on his body screamed turmoil.  I stood there, just watching him.  I could feel my shoulders draw back as I pulled myself up and simply stared at him, waiting for him to speak.  I was sure as shit not going to prompt him, not give him that permission.  He had pissed me off royally.

But those eyes.

They looked up at me and instantly I felt my insides melt.  Deep and green, and full of melancholy and pain.   _I will take a l_ _arge breath to cover the forgiveness I am willing to shower you with, Fenris._  My life seemed to be about playing a part and I would do so now, even for him.  He could not fuck with me on this.  However, as soon as I felt my safety net of The Champion rear up, waves of conflict washed over me.  I would be being dishonest with him.  I had vowed to be true and honest all those years ago in Dairsmuid.  We had never lied to each other.  I decided not to now, but I did wait for him to talk.

"Anna, I am sorry.  I am unworthy of you, once again." came the deep and sorrowful voice.  
"Fenris ..."

The words turned to dust in my mouth.  I simply did not know what to say.

"I have had time to think about this, think about your words." he started.  "Our child is back.  The one we lost.  Not only is it back, but we found out it would have been a son."  He stood up and walked away from me a few paces, quite clearly distressed enough to move, before turning round to face me.  "I walked up into the mountains and found a rock overlooking Skyhold.  I could not even find the desire to move further.  For hours I sat there, staring down at the Keep.  My thoughts, Hawke!  Nothing comes close to describing what I felt."

My shoulders began to loosen as I heard the emotion with which he was speaking.  

"But then I remembered something.  I had only heard about this.  You had _met_ him.  I cannot even begin to think about what that was like.  I was selfish to have walked out on you and I beg your forgiveness."

The agony inside me was taking over.  My arms ached from where I had folded them and gripped so tightly to keep from breaking.  Those green eyes looked up at me as he waited for me to fill the awkward silence.  He needed to know why I was so concerned.  The pain, the forgiveness, the hurt, the love - it all coalesced in to one big screaming mass of my insides.

"You promised that you would not leave me again." I unintentionally snarled, jabbing a pointed finger at him.  "When I appeared from the void into the Great Hall, you came to me and found me, and  _swore_ that you would never leave me again.  Yet you did!"  He shuffled with mortified shame, still staring at the floor.  The arms returned to fold in front of him.  "How can I trust that you will be with me for this," I threw a hand in the direction of my stomach, "if you walk out at strange news.  How can I rely on you, Fenris!?"  
"I abused your trust.  I apologise, greatly."

I knew him intimately and I could tell from every fibre of his being that he was indeed sorry.  I relaxed slightly, breathing a little deeper from the surge of emotions, much calmer now the purge was gone.  

"Do you think I don't understand what you're going through?" I asked.  "I am there with you.  I know exactly how tragically strange this has all been - believe me!  You say that you are having trouble understanding what has been going on?  You can walk away but I can't.  This is me for the next five months.  And then we have a child, Fenris.  Do we get to walk away from that?  No!  You and I chose to start a family, and I could not think of someone I would want to have a child with more.  But you _disappointed me_ when you left earlier. And that is something I am not used to with you."

My back straightened as I continued to gaze at him.  Enough was enough now.  He understood but he would criticise himself again and again, ad infinitum, if I did not say something.

"Fenris, I forgave you as soon as the door shut _because_ I understand."

He looked up at me and slowly I saw the light come back in.  From the windows that threw warm light into the upper courtyard of Skyhold, I could see him tentatively begin to curl the edges of his mouth, not quite fully but hoping.  I reached out a hand.  My soul yearned to comfort him as I felt his pain so acutely.

"I take your hand in mine." I almost whispered.

He strode forward upon hearing those precious words and caught my face.  He crushed his lips against mine and I smiled as he kissed me deeply.  For a while, he stood there, snow falling on us as my husband pressed all his love into a kiss.  His smell, now so close, made me light and I knew he was with me.  This kiss went on forever, or at least I wanted it to.  Eventually though, it had to finish and he looked at me, his eyes shining.

"I do not deserve you, amata." he smiled softly.  
"No, you do not." I laughed gently back up at him, leaning forward to kiss his lips briefly.    
"I will make this up to you." he replied to which I laughed gently.  
"Come, Varric will be wondering what has happened to us."

I took his hand and led him back through the throng.  We rose up one flight of stairs and immediately upon alighting from the top step, I could hear the most basic of good natured arguments in full swing.

"No, no, Ruffles.  That's where you're wrong!  It was Curly that won, not Cassandra."  
"What is this?" Eleanor asked gaily, immediately striding over to the table and taking up a chair.  From the bottles in her hand, I assumed she had been to fetch drinks.  "Do I need to sit in judgement?" she smiled brightly.

I watched as she seemed to meld into the group that had formed around the table, instantly one of the confidantes.  Varric sat leaning forward to try and lead the discussion.  He noticed us standing nearby watching and a chair was booted away from the table, sliding backwards roughly for me.  A wink and a nod of his head towards the seat told me to sit down next to him.  I gratefully obliged, and Fenris quickly gained another.  Without saying anything Varric poured me a glass of water and handed it over quickly.  With a wink, he handed a brown, slim bottle over to my husband.

"My old enemy returns." he stated as his eyes sparkled at Fenris with barely hidden glee.  "Ready to get beat again?"  
"Your competitive streak is like your chest hair, Varric; it's always there on display.  A pity you cannot hide it.  Nobody wants to see a grown dwarf cry."  
"That's fighting talk there, elf." Varric laughed, before sitting back in his chair and grinning mysteriously.  "But I wasn't talking about me."

I looked around the table at who he could mean.  I had not played Wicked Grace before with these players and as such, did not know the competitors.

"I believe I will start with three coppers.  Is that too daring?  Maybe one?  No!  Boldness.  Three it is." said Josephine, indecisive and smiling, which instantly put me on edge.  The smile seemed, for once, genuine but the timidity?  Not a chance.  I wasn't having any of it.  Iron Bull didn't exactly follow my thoughts by declaring that she was scared and should put more money in.  She duly obliged and raised the stakes to a silver.  This was a pro.  I sat back and let the game unfold in front of me.  I knew Fenris' tell and I hadn't seen it yet.  He sat coolly next to me, patiently waiting for his turn.  Varric, however, was practically bouncing around on his seat.  I had played enough cards against him to know that he was faking it, wanting people to think he had great cards.  I was guessing maybe a pair, not anything more.  The turn passed around the table with everyone taking a card.  I looked at mine - two angels.  What a start!

"Hey, Killer." said Varric as he picked a card and then discarded it straight away.  A dagger, I noted.  "I was trying to tell a story from our time in Kirkwall.  Do you remember that time in the Gallows when Curly here had to run through ... "  
"Oh, you are not ..." I heard Cullen interrupt.  "Dwarf, I will break you if you continue this story!" came the amused growl, pointing a finger at Varric.

A chorus of howls and daring laughter rose up to the ceiling as I stared at his rapidly reddening face, giggling to myself as I recalled exactly what story he was meaning.  I was fairly sure it was from mortification, not anger, but I couldn't be sure.  He interlaced his fingers and rested his face on them, staring at Varric with eyes that were set with daggers of embarrassment.  Around the table, I could see hands of cards being put down and faces rapidly turned to their comrade, ready for a great story.

"Now, as Inquisitor, I hereby declare that it will be a crime if Varric does not finish this story.  Punishable by death." Eleanor said, winking at my old friend.  
"Well, Commander, I have my orders." Varric teased with a wide grin on his face.  "And she outranks you, so ..."  
"Oh Maker.  Well, okay.  If you insist!" he said, sitting up and shrugging that it was out of his hands.  

His arms crossed in front of him and he leant back in his chair, signalling for Varric to continue.  A wry smile ruffled his mouth and it was clear he would enjoy this, even though it would cause people to laugh at him.  He looked at me and smiled such a grin of warmth as I hadn't seen in years.  He was starting to relax, and it was a pleasure to see.  It was a smile of conspiracy that we two had experiences no-one else could have shared.  I could see that Varric was winding up to tell the story and it was almost like watching someone ascend to a throne.  It was his natural habitat, in front of others as story ringleader, and he loved it.

"So there we were in the Gallows - that's the Circle and Templar courtyard in Kirkwall, effectively.  Hawke, myself, Fenris and an old friend called Aveline had been down in Darktown fighting some prick slavers of the highest order to get to the mages who had been kidnapped.  We fought well ... "  
"Kicked their fucking arses, more like." I interrupted with, taking a swig of my drink.  Varric concurred by lifting his drink and I clinked it with my own to signal an agreement of like minds.  
"Well, we kicked their butts and were bringing back the mages to the Circle."  
"Oh really?  I'll take up  _this_ conversation at another time." Dorian smiled at me with a dark wink.  I couldn't tell what he was thinking but I knew he wouldn't ruin the merriment of tonight with a load of bullshit politics.  
"We arrived back in the Gallows, dragging four bucking mages with us, and we stood there by the gate.  When all of a sudden - you will not believe this - a _bull_ runs past.  With trousers dangling from one of its horns."  

This caused gasps and snorts to erupt around the table in disbelief.

"What?  Why was there a bull in the middle of the city?" Eleanor asked bemusedly.  
"It was the middle of Satinalia.  An old Kirkwall custom allows a bull to be released into the city and let run free.  Trick is to try and throw a small hoop onto one of its horns as he rides past.  Anyway, this bull has somehow made it up to the Gallows but somewhere in between Hightown and there, it had picked up some trousers."

Cullen groaned and smiled devilishly at the storyteller, shaking his head and waiting to see which details would be added or enhanced.

"We're all standing there, mouths open and wondering if we actually did see what had just happened, when a cry resounded off of the walls.  A certain Templar runs past, only we notice that he has no pants on."

A spurt of beer erupted from Eleanor's mouth and she sat there wiping dripping ale off of her face, staring disbelievingly from me to Varric.  Iron Bull threw back his head and roared, just at the same time that Dorian snorted and laughed out loud.

"Maker.  What happened?" Josephine asked as she sat there giggling, spinning in her seat to look at my friend.  
"I didn't do anything." Cullen shrugged trying to be nonchalant.  "One minute I was standing there with my trousers on, overseeing the crowds in the Gallows, and the next, my legs were bare and the bull appeared from around the corner with them on his horns."  
"The bull ran past, these dress trousers waving from its horns like they were bunting." Varric laughed out loud, giggling into his beer as he lifted it to his mouth to drain.  
"We later found out it was one of the mages who had done it, to spite us for carrying them back to the Circle." I told the table.  
"The best part was that it was in front of Meredith Stannard!" Varric roared, finally collapsing into rolling laughter.  He folded back into his chair and couldn't say anything for a few minutes as he wiped tears from under his eyes.  
"No, the _best_ part was that I clocked eyes with her just after you had ran past, Cullen.  Your ass was almost bare to the wind.  The look of mortification on her face was absolutely fucking  _priceless_.  I could have kissed you, just for that!" I told him.  "What punishment did she dole out?"  
"You don't want to know."  
"Oh yes we do, Commander." boomed the deep voice of Iron Bull, who was eagerly leaning forward on the table.  
"Like a proper raw recruit, I had to iron all the trousers of every Templar there."  
"Maker, there are at least a hundred in Kirkwall!" I spat, my eyes wide with amazement.  
"And ... ?" Varric said leadingly.  It was obvious that there was that last little ounce of embarrassment that he could extract out of the ex-Templar.

Cullen sat there, swinging his head from side to side and shooting daggers at the dwarf, whilst smirking because of the mirth of the story.

"And ... ?" Dorian prompted.  
"Varric, how in the Maker's name do you find these things out?" he marvelled.  
"I have my little spies.  Are you going to tell them, or shall I?"

A tinge of red crept up Cullen's face.  He sat back and stared through the table, not wanting to let it slip but knowing he would have to.  He had our rapt attention now.

"Ooh, this is going to be good." Josephine giggled as she noticed.    
"Urgh," he groaned with a smile before admitting, "I had to wear a fluffy, pink apron, like you see the old women wearing."

The table erupted into peals of laughter, booming and warm.  Cullen smiled and I could tell that he was okay.  I knew Varric would be cornered later but for now, all was friendly and affectionate.

"That must have been quite a sight." Eleanor said.

I looked to see her and her eyes sparkled as she stared at Cullen, a wide smile on her face.  The room was indeed warm but there was more to the blush on her cheeks than was due to the ambient temperature.  My eyes flickered between her and the Commander who had caught her eye and held it.  Others were chattering amongst themselves but it was obvious to all saw what was felt between the two.  I grabbed the bottle of wine and topped up her glass.  This broke her concentration and she glanced my way.  A private smirk of mischief escaped me and I winked at her.

"Up against the wall, remember?" I leaned over and whispered devilishly into her ear.

Her thin lips and sparkling eyes told me more than I could have hoped for.  She and I were accomplices, conspirators, comrades.  I was determined that her and Cullen would end up together.  Not for any seedy reason but because she so blatantly needed release.  No two people could love each other more in that moment.  I knew how I felt about Fenris, and how he felt about me, but we had never seen our interactions objectively.  I imagined that we might have looked exactly the same - repressing sexual desire in the name of duty - but I could see how pure their love was.  Anyone could have done.  I glanced over to the Commander who had picked up his cards.  I smiled, hardly concealing my mirth, and raised my eyebrows as I threw a glance at the Inquisitor, and then back to him.  He knew what I was thinking and I felt my grin get wider.  He blushed further and dropped his own gaze down to his cards.  Thankfully he could have passed the redness off as due to the recent embarrassment, but I knew it was more.

"Are we going to pick up this card game again?" he told the group.


	32. Chapter 32

"Off! Off! Off!" was the chorus that climbed in volume as it rose to the rafters.  

There was thumping on the table and spillage of beer, or so I assumed.  I didn't actually glance around to see if the tankards rattling from the hefty thump of Iron Bull's massive hands had actually tipped liquid out, but he was getting mighty drunk so the chances were high.  The evening had quickly descended into strip Wicked Grace, through the free flow of alcohol and the meddlesome tinkerings of Varric.

"Come on, Commander.  You were beaten fair and square by Josephine.  Get that top off!" came the deep booming voice.

Cullen was one thin linen shirt away from being naked from the waist up and sat there with a sheepish grin on his face. It was as if he was psyching himself up to do it.  With one deep breath, he grabbed the bottom of the garment and fluidly pulled it over his head.  Sitting back in the chair, Cullen bathed behind the mask of nonchalance, even acting like he was inviting their friendly barbs and whistles.  There was a dichotomy oozing out of him.  This was a man who was not used to parading his body in public and was obviously uncomfortable but there was something else.  Something behind the mock bravado and false confidence.  I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, we were seeing a side of him that was buried deep.  Was this booze-soaked evening bringing out the Cullen that lay hidden?  The one that privately wanted to show off?  He caught my eye and for a moment smiled as if there were no worries in his pretty head.  It was fleeting but it was there.  He was secretly enjoying himself, I was sure of it.

Maker though - that chest.  

One glance at Eleanor told me that she was having trouble concentrating.  Nervously she fiddled with her money, or picked up her wine to sip some more, or tapped her fingers on the table, all the while completely unable to tear her eyes away from Cullen.  The Commander was no less attentive, and hadn't been all night.  The two were glued to each other, silently embracing across the table, or so it felt like.  Her cheeks seemed permanently pink and it was ridiculously sweet to see how desperately she tried to avoid him yet failed miserably.

I had to pick up my husband's hand and kiss it, lest I stare at the tautness of Cullen's muscles any more.  That body was unbelievable.  Everything a warring, fighting Templar who had trained every day for the past twenty years of his life should look like.  If I had stared any more, Fenris would have growled defensively.  I lifted my elf's hand to my lips and pressed lust against them.  In this game, he had already lost his pauldrons and chestplate, and was sitting there in a thin black undershirt.  It highlighted his own body and as my eyes drifted along the contours of that wonderful, _wonderful_ piece of elven artwork, I felt all sorts of things stirring.  With a wickedly devilish smile, he caught my eye.

 _'We are in public now,'_ the look that he flashed me seemed to say,  _'but I will be fucking you later.'_

Finally looking around the table, I took a moment to assess my opponents as Josephine once again dealt the cards.  I had been very wrong about her, as had the table.  She was a past master at deception.  Naturally her job allowed to study the best and work to get around difficult and impregnable diplomatic walls.  As such, she had picked up so many tricks about The Game, or whatever it was, that it was hard to see where she ended and the role began.  I had to hand it to her though.  She had acquired so much money throughout the game, there was no doubting how good she was at bluffing.  Her job had taught her well.  Her eyes lit up as she looked at her winnings so far.  The rest of the table was merry enough not to care and the odd jibe was thrown her way about paying for the drinks.  Most people around the table were in a state of undress now, apart from her.  Clothes had been slung on the floor behind the chairs with happy and careless abandon.

"So," Josephine said happily, the edges of her words crystal clear for she had not touched a drop of wine, "it is getting late now, and our fearless leader has to be up early tomorrow.  I suggest this is the last game of the night." There were murmurs of approbation from around the table.  "How about we make this interesting then?  The loser takes off  _all_ their clothes, no matter the state of dress at the moment.  And to make things more interesting," she teased, "I am all in."

The massive pile of cash was pushed bewitchingly into the centre of the table.

"All my winnings, or your clothes.  Your choice."

There wasn't even a moment's silence before the first person spoke.

"I am _in_." declared Iron Bull most readily.  I giggled at his exhibitionism.  
"Same here." Dorian said eagerly.  "I really am most eager to see if the Antivan can do it.  Get the Commander completely naked, I mean.  I'm betting yes, of course."  
"I'm leaving." Cassandra said, rising a little unsteadily to her feet.  "I don't want to witness the Commander's walk of shame back to his quarters.  Good night, all."

Friendly farewells and drunken pledges of affection were thrown her way as she made her way out.  A couple of times she stopped briefly, flexed her fingers for the stair rail and then carried on her way.  Her footfalls on the steps were certainly a tad uneven.  I smiled at the foul temper she would be in tomorrow; not from the headache but from the lack of propriety.

"Anyone else out?" Josephine called, with a coquettish yet daring smile bending her lips as she stared round the gathered heads.

Everyone else around the table threw their money in before there was a rush to make sure cups were filled and snacks were on hand.  Leliana had left a while ago and Cole had just disappeared, but everyone else pushed their last remaining money towards the middle; Iron Bull, Cullen, Dorian, Fenris, Varric, Josephine, and myself.  We had lashed together two decks to make it work with so many numbers.  The odds were a little off but I don't think people cared that much.  This was most interesting, and a perfect way to end such a fabulous night.  Five cards were expertly thrown across the table to me.  It wasn't just her confidence and trickery that had convinced me Josephine was Thedas' biggest cardsharp, but it was the way she managed to get the card to land just in front of everyone that needed one.  Little touches like the distance and spin to get them in the right place were her giveaway.  This woman had clearly played far more cards than was healthy.  It was beginning to make me warm to her.  

I checked the cards I had been dealt; two snakes, an angel, a dagger, and a song.  A pretty paltry effort, in all name but I didn't care.  It was more about the effort of the evening and how well people were relaxing.  My mind flew back to similar nights in the Hanged Man, in Varric's room.  Anders would mope in the corner shooting daggers at my elf, whilst Fenris, Varric, Isabella, and myself would be trying to teach a baffled Merrill how to play.  On the odd occasion that Aveline would join us, she would politely play but growl if we got too rowdy.  Apart from one time when she got ridiculously drunk and we had to leave her asleep and snoring on Varric's bed.  The dwarf still wrote a character into each of his stories that referenced 'the drunk soldier'.  I smiled and sighed with happiness as good memories of Kirkwall surfaced.  I revelled in them.  

The drawing of cards started and most picked up but threw straight back in.  When it came to me, another serpent announced itself privately.  Inwardly I grinned.  Shocking the snakes may have been, but three of a kind?  That was in with a chance.  However, it wasn't very long before the bets started flying around.  Josephine actually giggled at one point when Dorian leaned over to whisper something in her ear.  Maybe I was wrong about her?  She was laughing to the point of tears.  I was convinced it was a ploy on Dorian's behalf to unseat her, but if I knew anything, it was that the woman was ruthless.  A little joke wasn't about to unfoot her.  

A subtle shift in his seat caused me to risk a glance up at Fenris.  He didn't even look over at me.  If I could have guessed, my feelings would have been that he was very uncomfortable.  He was playing, had given over his money, but the look of discomfort had me worried.  Reaching my fingers over to cover a hand that lay on the table, I squeezed them gently, wanting to know if he was okay.  A warm look was given back but it covered something else.  He reached for the wine bottle and took a hefty slug.  My eyebrows drew in.  That wasn't a good sign.

"Well, shit." Eleanor announced, throwing a card down onto the table.  I didn't even have to look to see what it was.  "Two knights." she declared.  "How awful.  Okay, who would like to go second?"  
"Well I will be the brave little boy if everyone else is too chicken shit." Iron Bull joked.  He turned his cards over for us to see.  Two pairs - knights and angels.  That was a good hand admittedly but a thrill sang up my spine.  Three of a kind would beat it, even if they were only snakes.  
"That beats my blithering mess of a hand." Dorian rued. The best that he had was a pair of angels, plus some others.  "My hands are usually so much better." he drunkenly teased, interestingly throwing a wink towards Bull.  I filed that one away for future notice.  What was even more interesting is that Bull returned the wink with a wide grin.  
"Urgh." Josephine said, showing her hand to be another set of two pairs - daggers and songs.  
"Well, my dear, at least you will have the chance of seeing my perfect arse, instead of gracing us all with yours." Dorian laughed.  She had the grace to smile in his direction though, even though she had been disappointed.  
Varric didn't even bother showing his cards.  "Two pair." he announced glumly, staring at the coins in the centre of the table with a disappointed sigh.

This left Cullen, myself and Fenris.  My trained ear noticed that his breathing was heightened.  Nobody else would have been able to tell though.  Trying to ignore it, I laid my cards out with a flourish.

"Three snakes, ladies and gentlemen."

I leant my chin on my hands and waited nervously.  Only inwardly, of course.  Years of training had taught me to hide my fears.  Outwardly I was as collected as I could be.  I called out Cullen through my eyes.

"I'm sorry Champion, but I have three songs." he smiled in victory.  I didn't care too much.  Yes, there was disappointment but I was too concerned about the elf to my right.  I played along though and threw up my hands in mock irritation, smiling and cursing to the Commander that he had snatched the win.

All eyes at the table turned to my husband with silent curiosity.  My own heart rate quickened.  All I hoped was that there was no shame and that he wouldn't be embarrassed.

"Full house." Fenris declared quietly.  "Three knights and two snakes."

It had been a ruse!  He had completely played me, indeed he had played us all.  After all this time, he still surprised me.  Those warm green eyes looked my way and I saw them almost shivering with merriment.  He had me locked up completely.  Fires of wonder and lust fanned inside me and words died in my mouth, instead curling it upwards into a disbelieving smile.  He grinned back and drank deeply again from the bottle.

"You sneaky fuck." I leaned over and whispered.  I leaned over to kiss him and found the sweet taste of Antivan wine lingering on his lips.  I had not drunk alcohol all evening but had stuck to water. The choice drops sang across my tongue.  
"I think you'll find that's  _fantastic_ fuck, amata." he teased, leaning forward to kiss me again.

Even though it was only brief, the taste of him and the look he gave me leapt around my body.  Skin tightened on my breasts and I knew that the rest of the evening would be thrilling.  I sat back in my chair and watched to see Josephine pushing a pile of coins the size of a small plate towards us.  Fenris raised his hand to stop her.

"Please," Fenris said quickly but firmly, "keep it."  
"But iss your winnigs." Varric exclaimed extremely drunkenly.  He stood up very shakily before pointing a wavering finger in my husband's direction.  "Elf, dun be nubbel now!"

Josephine was hardly less surprised, although she covered it better.  Her eyes flickered to Eleanor's for an explanation but that was the only outward show of confusion.

"It is my contribution to the Inquisition, small though it may be.  You have housed my wife and I free of charge.  Take it as our rent."

There was a gracious nod of the head, complete with silent smile, from the chief diplomat as she recoiled the large pile of coins.

"That is most considerate of you, Ser Fenris.  Thank you."  
"It is the least I could do, after all you have done for my family." he said, standing up and holding his hand out to help me up.  A trill of pride stole over me as I looked up into his smiling face.  He turned away from me to talk to Dorian who had caught his attention, but still he held my hand and gave it a private squeeze.  That was all I needed.  That silent show of intimacy that no-one else there would have known about.  That was why I loved him.  He could say so much without uttering anything.

The last remaining people around the table started to pack up their things.  Dorian stood up and started to strip.

"Dorian, I'm pulling rank on you.  Keep your clothes on.  That's an order." Eleanor smiled lovingly.    
"Booo." he pouted.  
"I have to say thank you for sparing my blushes." Cullen said towards Fenris from across the table, still naked from the waist up.  I allowed myself one cheeky last stare.  "But I'm going to go now and ... urm, return to my office.  Some last minute paperwork to attend to before I go to sleep.  Hawke, Fenris, Bull, Dorian, Varric," he said in succession before almost whispering, "... Eleanor."

Awkwardly he backed away from the table and walked out of the door after saying his quiet goodbyes, pulling his cloak on against the bitter cold.  I looked towards the Inquisitor who stood behind her chair, holding her wine glass and staring after him.  It was almost painful to see.  There was a low, inaudible rumble from Bull as if he whispered something, followed by a soft snort from Dorian.  I looked to the Tevinter who shared a look of impish conspiracy.  He slowly shook his head in loving disgust at the two of them and their lack of action.  We all looked to the Inquisitor who stared at the door, her mouth moving silently.  I was convinced she was arguing with her own internal monologue.

"For fuck's sake, Eleanor." I said eventually in mock despair, and reached out to shove her towards the door.  "If you can't see that as an invite, then you really need help."

A look of pure nerves was flashed up to me but as I smiled at her, I could tell her barriers were melting.  Quickly, as if she had convinced herself that it was now or never, she downed the rest of her drink and strode towards the door before she could change her mind.

"Speak of this to anyone and I will have you all exiled." were her parting words before the door banged shut against the frame.  I smirked as the woman disappeared to get something she had needed for a while.  
"Well, Varric," I said, addressing the already snoring heap of dwarf that was asleep in his chair, "it's been a pleasure.  Fenris, let us retire.  Bull, Dorian - good night."

With that, we exited the Herald's Rest and walked the short distance to our room.  Climbing the stairs, I could see from the faint orange crack under the door that a fire had been lit.  The walk had been brief but deathly cold as it was past midnight now and the snow had been falling in sporadic bursts all evening.  The chill mountain air had added to the temperature and a bright shower of stars overhead announced a lack of cloud cover.  My fingers shivered as they fumbled the door latch.  Fenris had to step in and courteously open the door.  Mercifully I noticed the warm air as soon as I stepped over the threshold.  Not only had the fires been lit, the heavy curtains were drawn which kept much of the heat in, and also above the mantelpiece I noticed a runestone that had been propped up for all to see.  The mark in the centre burned with a bright orange, wavering with glittering golds and yellows.  The colours changed constantly but it was obvious that the ambient temperature in the room was being helped by whichever lovely mage had thought to put that there.  

Sighing with happiness as the feeling returned to my skin and fingers, I stood next to the fire and let my eyes droop closed.  The heat wasn't too much, even though I was stood right next to the roaring hearth; something I was sure was as much to do with the rune as anything else.  As I stood there gazing at the flames, two hands slipped round my waist and a kiss alighted on the side of my neck.  I could feel from the firm body behind me that he had kept his chest plate off, having discarded it in the game, and only his undershirt separated me from him.  A warm face came to rest on the side of my neck and I could feel slow, steady breaths from his nose tingling my skin.  Those two arms encircled me, just under my breasts, and he stood there hugging me gently.

Without even being asked, one hand left the hold and travelled down to my stomach.  My heart beat slightly harder at the comfort he was showing with my body and the baby.  Considering how he had started the day, this was momentous and I leaned my head back lovingly letting it fall to find him.  Lightly at first, Fenris ran his hand over my bump, allowing himself the pleasure of feeling the home of his baby.  His hand came to rest on the fullest part and I could hear a deep rumble of contentment somewhere in his throat.  Another light kiss announced his pleasure as well.

"I love you, Anna."  
"You too, Fenris."

Once again he rested his face on my shoulder, lips still kissing me, and we stood there silently for a few moments.  However, I could feel their pressure against me start to change, as if he was beginning to smile.  

"But I do believe I said I would make it up to you ..." he said, his voice low and lustful and his eyes sparkling.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris does his best to make it up to Hawke.

Despite the heat from the fire, a shiver travelled over my skin, lifting goose prickles and tightening parts of my body that  _ached_ because of that kiss. That sense of delicious anticipation, that thrill, was tantalisingly close.

And he was mine.

Fenris slowly kissed the slope of my neck, languidly letting those hot lips drift from one sensitive spot to another. Always with that control though. Masterfully he kissed the slope, but occasionally he delicately nipped the skin, scraping with his teeth ever so gently and causing me to inhale slightly through my nose.

Before long though, he left my neck and simply stood in the space behind me. It was an eerily erotic feeling; knowing he was there - wanting me,  _needing_ me - but having the control to not do anything. I could hear him breathing; slowly, deeply, contemplating what to do next. The ends of my fingers flexed, dancing gently as the whole of me wondered what would be his next action.

I heard his feet lightly padding around me and slowly I caught sight of my elf.  An amorous smile passed between us as his fingers dropped and started to gather up the cloth of my dress, all the while keeping his eyes intently locked on me. The tip of his fingers would occasionally brush the skin of my thigh, trailing lightning where it touched. A short, sharp inhale of breath was all I could manage.  Eventually the dress was gathered and lifted over my head, leaving me stood before the fire in fur boots and underclothes. 

Looking to Fenris, the fires in his eyes were already brighter than the reflected blaze from the hearth. The rapture, the need, the raging lust; all masterfully concealed in his body but his eyes? His eyes told stories of dress ripping, knee weakening, bed splintering passion. I could hardly wait.

I tipped back my head slightly and arched an eyebrow. A coquettish smirk curled my lips. "A gold for your thoughts, Messere?"

Upon hearing my voice, he glanced up. His body glided forward as he held my gaze.

"Even the Inquisition could not afford the gold it would take to tell you all the things I would do to you." he purred, his voice smouldering with intent.  
"Well, start with just one ..." I teased in a low and sultry voice.  
"And the gold?" 

I slinkily stole forward the pace or two it took to close the distance between us.

"I will find other ways of paying you back." I breathed, already feeling the overwhelming desire to push him to the floor and straddle him.  My hand rested on his chest lightly and my mouth moved forward, catching his lips in a loving and tempting kiss.  My other hand rose up to grab the hair on the back on his head.  The soft, white hair twisted through my fingers as I embraced my husband.  As the kiss drew on, it became deeper, fuller, more expressive, but suddenly he grabbed my upper arms and pushed me back a little.  A soft growl erupted from him.

"Close your eyes." he commanded, his nostrils flaring a little as he fought to regain control. 

I let them drift shut and he rewarded that by wrapping something around my eyes. Just tight enough, he secured the knot and stood back. I was blind and completely at his mercy. My insides swirled with lust and  _need,_ red and crimson with desire, making me long for him.  But I had no idea where he was.  Fingers surprised me and undid my bra, letting it fall from my body and over my arms.  It was thrown to some dark corner somewhere, abandoned and not needed.  Suddenly the tips of his fingers invaded my pantline.  They were pulled slowly down, and as he did so, he lay soft kisses on me.  First the stomach, then trailing over the bump, then down one leg until the pants were on the floor.  I stepped out of them at his urging and stood there, naked and waiting.  My boots were also removed but after, it returned again to silence.  The only sounds I could hear were from the fireplace, or faint sounds of a castle guard on patrol down below.  No, in here there was quiet, broken only by his slow, steady breathing.

A warm tongue licked my left nipple. A gasp escaped my throat without me even realising I had opened my mouth. When I had calmed down, I listened for the breathing. Instead of hearing it, I could  _feel_ it. Soft draughts of hot air swept across my right breast this time, just inches above the sensitive spot of the nipple. In my mind, I could see that sweet face grinning in delight that he was making me blush. That tongue swept across that nipple,  the end flicking it before he gently caught it in his teeth. Just on that border of pain and pleasure, I whimpered.

He grabbed one of my hands and gently pulled.  "Kneel."

I did so, gently descending to the luxurious carpet that surrounded the fire.  Still I could not see him but knew when his tender fingers graced both sides of my face and pulled me towards another kiss.  It was patient, loving, kind and I smiled as he did so.  He knelt down with me.  It was only in this interlocking of bodies that I noticed he had removed his clothes.  My fingers found the same lyrium vein that I always traced; the one that ran up his back.  Feeling that hard track of malleable metal, I ran the pad all the way up his spine.  As it reached the top, a cry was building; the same way it always did.  With an arch and a snarl, it erupted and he cried out into the bedroom.

"Maker's breath, if you were anyone else..." he growled, panting heavily.

He returned to kissing me again but this time was different.  It turned into something else.  As it went on, it began to steal my breath from me.  His lips seemed to seek deeper, delve into me, wanting more.  Passion began to override his mouth and I felt his arms leave my face and slip round my back to press me nearer to him.  Hands travelled up and down my naked back, grabbing my ass and hitching it slightly, drawing me forward off my knees for a moment before settling me back down.  

Suddenly letting go, he moved back a little.

"Trust me." was the only words he whispered as arms came round me to guide me gently to laying on the floor.  The deep pile of the carpet was heaven to lay on, or maybe it was the weight of elf that knelt above me, barely above but definitely separate.  Still the blind kept me from seeing where he was, but I knew.  His soft lips left butterfly kisses all over my face before those wonderful, hot, sensuous lips came to rest next to my ear.  Just the deftest brush was enough to set my pulse racing.

"Anna Hawke, my mouth, my tongue - they are all yours.  Can I kiss your lips?"  
"Yes." I smiled and at once felt him press his mouth lightly on mine.

His hot breath announced he was hovering over my neck again.  Just the heat had me moaning, murmuring quietly to myself.

"Here?" he asked.  
"Mmm... yes." I replied, barely able to make a coherent noise as he kissed my neck slowly, tracing hot kisses from my ear all the way down the slope.  
"Here?" came the question from above my chest.  
"Yes." I replied.  "Yes, please."

His mouth left a hot mark on the skin between my breasts.  

"Fenris..." my mouth quivered as I felt the heat disappear into the room, only to find he was between my legs.  My fingers spread into the deep pile of the carpet, clutching it for support.  
"He ..." he tried to ask before I interrupted him, "Damnit Fenris, yes!"

His lips lightly kissed the hair first, before starting to move back.  His fingers and palms slid under my ass to elevate it off the floor and indeed I felt him lift it slightly, before slipping a cushion underneath.  He could have done anything he wanted at that point.  I was beyond ready.  Passion was creating a fire in my belly, and especially between my legs.  Further back he moved with the next kiss before his fingers opened me up and his tongue licked once.  At that wet, electric touch, my back arched off the floor.  Tingling, creeping pleasure was sparking already.  "Again." I breathed, to which he graciously obliged.  Behind the mask, my eyes screwed shut as his tongue explored me, delved into me.  Little flicks at first, followed by long, languid strokes, only for him to find my hole with his fingers.

"Oh  _Fen_..., oh ... _Fenris_... " I panted as he proceeded to move me faster and faster, inside and out.  Coils of heat were rapidly starting to pull inwards inside me.  He was masterful at this.  Working my body until I became so close that he ... stopped.  Just on the tip.  " _Venhedis_ , you bastard!" I gasped.  The insides of my thighs had been so tight that they were now shaking.  Denied that pleasure, they simply did not know what to do.  
"You are mine, Anna.  Mine to pleasure." he said.  Even though I had been blindfolded, I could tell he wore a smile of victory, and I hated him for it.  That was a lie.  I could never hate him, just hate his arrogance at times like these.  Quickly, I nodded my head as I was more than eager for him to continue.

A few moments of being left alone was interrupted by his mouth, his lips and his teeth returning to my breasts.  But this time, he continued to pleasure me as his fingers still worked my heat down below.  My fingers could not resist finding his head and running through his hair, much less because my body could not keep still.  The energy he was sending into my body caused my back to skitter over the carpet.

I had had enough.

"My love?" I asked, my voice hitching with denied lust, and guided his head upwards and pressing my mouth to his.  "I want you.  Now." I told him, reaching my hand into the space between our bodies, only to find out he was as near to ready as I was.  Wrapping my hand around his cock, my thumb played with the head, massaging it a little.  A growl could be heard somewhere in his chest, but he didn't stop me.  The tips of my fingers travelled down his cock, lightly scraping my nails against the thin skin.  I could hear the small inhalations that he tried to hide.  As he kissed me again, his hands left mine and he lay atop me, not crushing but propped up on his elbows.  In this little gesture, I knew he was watching out for the baby.  He had no intention of laying fully on top of me.  Not that he would stop trying to make me scream though.

Reaching down momentarily, he guided the tip of his cock to the entrance of me, the one that was ready to welcome him wholly.  With one kick from his hips, he was in me.  Pleasure oozed around my system as I felt him fill me, pushing as far as he could into my body.  A smile broadened my face at the thrill but moments later I was reduced to whimpering again as he pulled out, then slammed back into me.  Again he withdrew and moved back into me, hard with that edge of desperation.  Was his wall of control about to collapse?  I ran my fingers up his back again and I was rewarded with the same motion, accompanied by a kiss that held the promise of passion crushed against my mouth.  My arms encircled him, pinning him as much to me as he would allow.  My hands could not keep still.

In and out he moved. Out, in, faster.  Out.   _In_.  Harder.  Out, _in_ , out.  Feelings ... gathering ... passions ... building.  Out.   _Thrusting_...   _Maker!  Here I went_...

But again he stopped.  At that moment of glory, he stopped.  He was such a cruel fucking _tease_.  Sitting back from me, deep gasps of air through gritted teeth showed me where he was.  I, however, was dealing with that denied moment to utter truth. Rocking over the floor, my thighs clamped shut and I spewed profanities at him, cursing his name and hating him for stopping.

Two strong hands gripped my hips and rolled me over, but pulling me back to kneeling.  My thighs were still weak and trembling but they held me up, as did my arms.  My knuckles were on fire as fingers once again spread out into the carpet, my palms readying themselves for what I knew he would do.  Blood rushed next to my ears, still racing from the previous fucking.  My body had not been brought into being yet and I bit my lip as I felt his warm hands on my hips, his knees nudging mine apart and his cock once more at the entrance to that warm, wet place.  

Maker, I needed him.  Now.

 _In_  he thrust and I cried out into the empty room.  But he stayed there, filling me, not moving.  If I had doubted his control before, I marvelled at him now.  How he could not move now was beyond me.  Fingernails alighted on the space between my shoulder blades.  Slowly those nails were pulled down my back, already heightened with sensation but now, it was causing me to arch my back and gasp.  When he finished, he bucked his hips again, once more stopping inside me.  This time I squeezed him inside, feeling his cock.

"No." came the grunt, barely able to talk.  

Once more with the nails.  A punishment, I was absolutely sure of it.  There no way out of it.  His hands returned to my hips now, the tips of his fingers digging into the soft flesh just inside the bone.  Slowly he started moving again but swiftly he gained momentum, pushing,  _surging_ forward as his cock drove into me.

Pleasure.  It was rushing towards me now.  With each push of his hips, he hit those places he needed to.  Grunts keened in the back of my throat and I could think of nothing else as I felt him fuck me harder and faster.  Heat built.  Muscles tightened.  Coils pressed inwards.  Thighs gripped.

"Fenris ... here I ... here ... I ...  _come!  Oh!_ " I screamed into the blackness of the rest of the room as the orgasm erupted.  " _Oh Maker!  Oh Maker! Yes!!_ "

Animalistic grunting and thrusting told me that Fenris came moments later.  The violent glory that surged about my system with every tremulous, wondrous, glorious pulse brought a wide smile to my face.  Fenris pulled out of me with a groan and I collapsed downwards onto the floor, tumbling onto my side so as to protect my stomach.  My arms gave out but held on long enough to make sure that I was safe.  I rolled onto my back, still feeling my thighs shaking a little, despite the warmth from the fire and the energy of that expert fuck.  My fingers trembled as they pulled the blind from around my eyes.

"Fenris, that was unbelievable."  
"If I could make your cries - those  _screams_ - linger in this stone," he said proudly, swallowing against a dry throat, "then I have won."

I stared up at the ceiling and watched the orange light flicker and pick out the edges of the wooden boards and thick beams above.  The edges of my eyes were a little fuzzy and I knew that if I sat up now, I would feel dizzy.  Waiting for my heart to calm down, I felt my gorgeous husband move to lay next to me, reaching down to interlace his fingers with mine.

"I do believe you said you were fantastic." I panted.  
"Do you agree then?" he grinned.  
"Oh ... _yes_."


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke remembers who she lost in the Fade, and finds an antagonist who is not all she appears to be.

The blade felt good in my hand.  It felt  _right_.  The cold steel had perfect balance and sang against my skin as it waited, dangling at the end of my fingers.  An absent thumb played with the grind line, running from the tip to the choil.  In the early morning air, the skin on my cheeks were taut and pulled where the tears had dried, only for a fresh lot to fall.  I let them trail down to my chin, not even bothering to brush them away.  Ground mist clung to the buildings and the mountain air fell over the walls of the castle like unstoppable invading forces, in waves of white smog.  A weak sun tried to beat it back and would manage soon, but not immediately.  Right now, I stood in the upper courtyard of Skyhold, surrounded by paling mists, with frozen fingers that felt numb against frozen steel.  I was an undignified mess of emotion and guilt, and all for one reason.  

Stroud.

Every time I saw his fucking face before my eyes, agony broke anew in me.   _Survivor's guilt_ , I think they called it.  Somehow my mind had repressed all memory of Stroud, had stopped me seeing him.  I assumed to stop me breaking in two - just like I was now.

Again the memory of him came.  A wave of nausea announced the arrival of another bout of hot, salty tears.  A sob of grief escaped from my throat that tried to morph into a snarl of rage but mishaped itself into aching pain.  He had been a good friend!  How could I forget him so quickly?  I had been back a couple of days at most, and I had not stopped once to think of the man who had saved us all. _  
_

From my feet it started.  A haze of heat wound quickly up my legs, gathering pace as it flew up my middle, strangling my insides with rage before my body rolled into a familiar position.  With a cry, I launched the knife at the straw bodies that were used in training.  The blade embedded itself past the guard, straight through the face of the dummy.  I watched as a few strands of straw floated silently to the floor, disappearing into the mist.  My nose was running and I sniffed against the tears that were once again falling.

It had started with a dream.  After a fairly successful night of being fucked three times by Fenris, I had fallen quickly off to sleep as exhaustion took me.  What should have been a sleep peppered with wonderfully erotic dreams turned into fraught terror.  Eyes had filled the sky, not belonging to anything.  Around me - everywhere - things seemed to be waking from a slumber long binding them.  The air had crackled with screams, both from me and from the creatures that arose from the ground and mountains.  I  _knew_ I was being watched.  From every corner, these beings of incredible power simply stared and slid forward.  I couldn't focus on them as they were hidden behind a veil of black smoke but all I saw were the eyes, burning through like red fires.  

Suddenly I realised I was not alone in the dream.  A voice, disjointed and echoing, called me.  It was Stroud shouting at me but his voice was as if he were shouting through water.  In terror, I realised he was telling me to go.  Where, I did not know as they were all around but a strong hand pushed me away, screaming mutedly at me to run.  I pulled at rocks, scrabbling over mounds to escape up the precipice that had appeared from nowhere.  They were still chasing me.  From halfway up, I glanced down to see the malignance creeping ever closer, following me and trying to steal my being.  In the middle stood my old friend, gripping his sword and swinging at the ephemery all around him.  He glanced up at me and, as clear as hearing the tolling of a bell across an empty valley, I heard him.

"For the Wardens!" was all I heard before he was swamped.  

My mouth opened to scream but I was awake and gasping for air.  Searching all around for Fenris, I saw him asleep almost at the same time I saw the door.  Escape became my overriding need.  Barely awake, I was slipping my coat on all the while gulping and scratching at my mind to make sense of the nightmare I had just experienced.  Memory upon memory of Stroud threw themselves at my mind, begging to be let in.  Throwing the door open, I flew down the stairs and out into the open air.  A wall of cold met my face, paralysing my lungs momentarily before I dragged a breath in.  I sank onto a nearby bench, catching my face in my hands and sobbing at the realisation that he had gone, had sacrificed himself for me and for the Inquisition.  Like always, anger swiftly chased away self-pity and as fingers dropped from my eyes, a hunger to hurt something or someone blazed through me.  I longed to beat the guilt out of someone, have their blood soak up my disasters.  

I stalked over to the straw dummy and wrenched out the blade.  It had become stuck and with a cry and much wrangling, it loosened.  I sighed as I felt the weighty knife in my hand, staring but not really seeing it.  Mucus dripped from my nose onto my hand and I came back to reality.  The tears were quickly wiped from my face.

"Champion, is everything alright?" a familiar, and unwelcome, voice asked.

Knowing who it was without even looking up, I groaned internally.  Pulling my shoulders up and holding my head high, I looked to where Josephine stood shivering in the corner, several steps off the ground.  Her coat was pulled tight around her shoulders but her small frame showed she was shaking with cold.

"Yes, thank you.  A bad dream is all." I replied.  I was horrified to discover that a flat monotone response was all I managed.  It was a crude form of gratitude and I shrank from it.  Silence radiated powerfully from the Antivan who stood watching and judging me.  Looking over quickly, I saw her sneering and the words were out of my mouth before I could speak.  "Why do you hate me so, Josephine?"  
"As chief diplomat, how do I answer that question?" 

She was just so fucking clever about how she talked.  Any response always appeared from behind several filters.  Never had I talked to her and seemed to get the real Josephine.  Was there even a human inside her, or did I constantly catch a well-oiled, beautiful Tranquil?  

"I would love to ask you whether you truly think you are the only one with problems, Champion.  I could rage and scream at you, if you thought it would work.  Would you like me to do that?"  Narrowed eyes stared back at her, and my lips hurt from where they were pressed together.  "How would that help?  How would that solve the problem that we all face?  We are all in this together.  All under one banner - the Inquisition.  All at Skyhold, not Haven, where Corypheus found us.  Where he slaughtered us.  Where families were ripped from each other, or buried as one under a grave's worth of snow."  
"I could not help what he did once released."  
"No, that is very definitely true." she seethed, unspoken words singing across the icy air to me.  
"It is not my fault!" I pleaded.  
"You were a leader!" she spat, taking a few more steps towards where I stood.  I doubt she even knew that she had moved.  " _Everything_ is your fault!  All decisions are yours to deal with.  Whether you choose to acknowledge them or not."

To my great shame, and with my pride screaming at me, my top lip broke, shaking under the weight of holding sorrow at bay.  Hot tears of shame coursed down my cheek and I dashed them away, horrified that she should see me like this.

"I do not hate you, Champion." Josephine responded, her voice softening as she spoke.  "I  _hate_ Corypheus, as only an Antivan can hold that most evil of emotions."  
"But you blame me?"  
"Yes.  We are women of action.  Lies do not become us.  It would be an injustice."  
"That is unfair."  
"It is nothing, however, to how much you blame yourself."

My teeth hurt from how much I clenched my jaw.  A breeze whipped over the walls and stole around the two of us as we stood there.  It lifted my skin with its icy touch and served to prick at my wet cheeks, as if freezing the pain that was creeping up my face.

"You are not the only with problems, Champion," she continued, "and not the only one who has suffered in all of this."  
"I ..." came the invective start before she lifted a firm hand to interrupt me.  
"But I see just how much you have lost." she soothed sympathetically.  
"I have paid my dues." ushered a quiet voice from somewhere inside me.  
"And I will not add to your pain.  My job is to help the Inquisition - so is yours - and right now we have Thedas braying on our doorstep, wanting to know why that demon  _puto coño_ has not been dealt with!"

My mouth dropped open.  Josephine's face flushed and she looked embarrassed that her mouth had run away with her.  Glancing away, she blinked several times, hardly daring to believe the words had tripped from her mouth.  An awkward silence filled the space between us.

"Forgive me, Messera Hawke."  bumbled the apology as she turned to ascend the stairs behind her.  Within moments she had gone.  I laughed quietly, more confused than cheered, as I couldn't even believe the lack of propriety myself.  But the laughter dropped into silence and I felt a barrage of agony again.  But this time, a wall of defence had crept up.  Stroud's face appeared unbidden and instead of recoiling from it, I stole myself to think of him.  He had been a good friend, indeed a very good one.  He was dead, this was true, but did that mean I had to bury myself under the weight of guilt that I had been carrying?  I missed him.  I had survived the Fade and he had not.  If it wasn't for me, I would not be in the courtyard, crying, arguing with Josephine at five bells in the morning.  My eyes trailed up the steps that led to the door the Antivan had gone through.   _'So is yours'_ she had said.  This was my job now.  Stroud was gone but he was not forgotten.  I was here to do that, surely?   _That's_ why I had survived.  I wouldn't go on any damned crusade to avenge my friend - my burgeoning belly told me that those days were soon to be numbered - but in helping the Inquisition, Corypheus would be gone.  Maybe then I could get some rest, feel less of the guilt that burned a hole inside of me.  That was what I needed to do.

With a silent prayer, I thanked the Maker for helping me remember it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in one go, late at night, and posted straight away. It's likely to be full of holes but I'll fix them tomorrow.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke learns of Eleanor's activities, and feels something quite unique.

From across the yard came drifting the welcoming smells of a kitchen starting to come to life. A deep, rich wave of melted chocolate sang bass notes of comfort and warmth, before the alto trill of fresh baked bread broke through. Both called the siren song from the Herald’s Rest, silently wending round the corners of the freezing cold citadel atop the mountains and offering invitations of sustenance and a warm atmosphere. As my fingers had ceased to feel anything, despite the warming rune that I carried in my pocket, I crossed the short distance and entered.

It had only been six or so hours that I had been there last, yet in the weak, cold light of morning, it seemed less boisterous, less _cunning_ somehow. Perhaps the daylight blew away the shadows where inhibitions drifted when the drink started flowing. Perhaps the newness of dawn brought a chance of redemption from the drunken mistakes and misspoken words. Whatever had happened with the breaking sunlight, the Herald’s Rest had emptied itself of warm deceit and promised a fresh start to anyone who sat down at one of its tables.

An elf whom I was starting to recognize saw me and smiled, putting aside his mop and walking over.

“A table, Champion?” he enquired with a smile. “Take your pick.”  
“Somewhere out of the way, please.” I joked back, straining to see that besides a group of soldiers warming themselves by the fire after a long shift, there were no other patrons.  
“Of course. Right this way.”

With a friendliness of character that I had only ever known from elves, he led me to a table by another fireplace, away from the guards who were almost dropping asleep now they were somewhere warm. It was also away from the icy drafts of air that shot in from under the doorway.

“Shall I bring you a plate of something hot, Champion, or do you have something in mind for what you would like?”  
“Something hot, and filling. I am likely to be ravenous in an hour or so.” With a small nod down to my stomach, I smiled up at him. Our eyes met and with a twinkle, he replied “I understand,” before retreating back towards the kitchens.

Because of the lack of custom, the food was brought to me pretty quickly. Fat chunks of crispy bacon, wedges of mountain goat cheese, bread that was still warm, slices of ham; all this and a mug of steaming hot chocolate was upon my table and being torn apart within ten minutes. With a gusto and an appetite that was quickly becoming part and parcel of my day-to-day life, I set about demolishing it. It was wonderful. Very soon, I was using the last chunks of bread to mop up the juices that had run into each other, mingling to make the job of wiping the plate all the more joyful.  I sat forward on my elbows, clutching my mug of chocolate close to my face, my nose an inch above the delightful drink. Slowly I inhaled the aroma and looked about. More people had begun to sit down at tables but there were still only a few.

So it was all the more noticeable when the Inquisitor walked in.

All about her, men and women stood to attention. Most got up straight away, some simply lifted themselves partway from fatigue, others were already asleep and snoring peacefully. Eleanor walked with her eyes cast to the floor. I wondered if it was more from shame than anything else – embarrassment, maybe – as the rogue in me had noticed the edges of her mouth trying desperately not to smile. From my corner by the fire, my eyes were the only thing that moved as I tracked her across the large space towards the bar. She engaged in brief conversation with my elf friend who looked to my corner. My cover was blown when she glanced my way, eyes widening with the shock of one discovered in the midst of disreputable actions. Her mouth widened slightly before she caught herself and her features became controlled and she nodded to the waiter. As she walked over, knowing she’d been caught, my lips curled upwards as would a cat who had seen the mouse give up the chase.

“Good morning, Hawke.” came the greeting. _Friendly and robust enough_ , I thought as she sat down, _but still she avoids my eye_. Without blinking or looking away from her, I slowly sipped my hot drink and waited. She would start to blab in a moment, I was sure of it. The impish darting of her eyes held news desperate to burst forth but the propriety of the woman held it at bay. Another mug of hot chocolate was set down in front of her and she lifted it to her mouth. As she did so, I caught and held her eye. Inquisitively, and cutely provocative, I lifted a brow to silently question her.

A blush of giggles burst forth, which were stifled almost as soon as they were set free. Nervously she glanced around, assessing her chances of discovery before she turned back to me and grinned. It was a wide smile of release and freedom. Adoration and love shone out of every pore of her face, beaming from her eyes and shining out of the smile that threatened to break her mouth.

“So the Commander knows his way around a woman then?” I teased.  
“As if he had a map, and a compass, and a retinue of guides.” she glowed, giggling into her cup.  
“I do not have many girlfriends so am unused to this but here goes … Tell me _all_ the details.”

Eagerly she shifted forwards in her chair, moving to close the space between us. It only served to heighten the sense of conspiracy; that she and I were in this together and she was sharing her most guarded of secrets. I found myself following suit.

“So you know I followed him last night? Well, all along the castle walkway, I was in two minds, even then debating whether I should or should not.”  
“Did you not see the man’s chest, Eleanor? How was there any holding back? I would have been running to get there before he got dressed!”  
“Well, I walked quickly, let’s say.” she grinned, before taking a gulp of her drink. “I opened the door – didn’t even knock – and there he was, by his desk, muttering to himself. He had his shirt in his hand and was just about to pull it on when he noticed me. I stood there, completely robbed as to what I could say. Anna, the way he just looked at me. He didn’t need to say anything!” Temporarily the memories stopped her from talking and she merely sat there and beamed.  
“Go on …” I prompted, keen to know just how the two had overcome their shyness.  
“For a few moments – it seemed like forever – he simply stared at me, and I at him. Slowly though, he dropped the shirt on the desk and began to walk over to me. He was so close, I could smell the remnants of that expensive fragrance he sometimes puts on in the morning. Evidently he had done so earlier that evening as his chin was smooth, and close, and smelling just … _wonderful_.”

I smiled at her innocent dreaminess and urged her to continue.

“As I stood there, inches from him, his hand raised up to my head and I wondered what he would do but he moved even nearer to me. He reached past me and his arm pushed the door shut. By now he was so close, I could feel his warm breath against my lips.”  
“Who kissed who first?”  
“Well, it just exploded out of nowhere. All of a sudden, I was being pressed up against the door, his mouth hard on mine.”  
“So he’s a good kisser then?” I chuckled eagerly.

The only reply I had was a twisting of the eyes and a moaning that bordered on the erotic.

“ _So_ good!”

I smiled at her.

“So he’s got your pressed up against the door, kissing you for all your worth – what happened next?”  
“We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. My top was being unbuttoned – _ripped off_ , more like – and I was, well, …” A faint blush covered her cheeks. It was so endearingly cute. “My hands were helping to undress him too, let’s say.”  
“You were helping to take off his trousers, right?” A coquettish shrug and an enigmatic smile were all the response I would get, but I knew.  
“His boots and socks were discarded and he was left in his trousers.”  
“Did he at any point stop kissing you?”  
“Only to rip the lacing from my boots as he tried to undress me. I was half mad trying to get into his pants.”  
“Keep going!”  
“With my underpants still on, and my bra, he led me by the hand rather quickly to his desk.”

A low, approving whistle escaped my lips.

“On the desk? I’m most impressed.”  
“He pushed everything that was on there onto the floor. I’m not joking when I know what he set aside as I saw a few of the letterheads. He didn’t care about what sheaves of paper were on that desk, let me tell you! More than a few Orlesian commanders would be very put out if he knew what he had done with their missives.”  
“So he clears the desks, bends you over it and fucks you like there’s no tomorrow?”  
“Almost. He turns me around to face him, this time kissing me more gently, more loving. Why can men not remove a bra?”  
“I’m afraid I have you at a disadvantage. It’s always been one of Fenris’ skills.”  
“I had to help Cullen. He was almost apologetic in a really sickeningly cute way.”  
“And … ?”  
“Well, I was naked … then _he_ had to get naked.”  
“That’s how it usually works. And …?” I asked again, leadingly raising one eyebrow.

Eleanor simply stared at me, her eyes wide like saucers. They glowed as she sniggered into her hot chocolate.

“A lady never tells.” she responded with a wink.  
“The Commander also has nothing to worry about in the trouser department either. Good luck to you.” I nodded as I raised my mug in salute to her victory.  
“Maker, Eleanor, I never knew it could be like that! I was sure that his guards could hear us! We were like animals!”  
“Is the desk still in one piece?” I teased.  
She laughed warmly. “I’m not sure. The rate he was going, I doubt if it will be usable any more!"

Her eyes drifted and I could see the clouding over of someone so very much infatuated that the very mention of a partner could make her lose concentration.

“When we had finished, it was one of the most tender moments I had ever experienced. He kissed me before whispering something in my ear.”  
“Which was?”  
“That, stays between him and me. Some things will be kept secret.” Another warm smile told me that she did not blame me for asking, nor would she hold it against me, but her heart had been so completely stolen that she already held Cullen in the enviable position of partner. With that came utter loyalty and devotion. I knew what she meant – it was what I had with Fenris.  
“I’m so glad you’re happy, my friend.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Am I to assume the night ended there?”  
“Not at all. We welcomed the dawn entwined in each other in his bed. I managed an hour of sleep before I realized that I would have to leave quickly. Patrols would be building up towards the day shifts. I am going to see if I can snatch another hour or two but I was so hungry that I had to stop here to grab something to eat on the way to my apartments.”  
“Well, go, eat, and then sleep. You have had more than enough exercise.”

With another giggle, she rose quickly from the chair. Knocking back the remains of her hot chocolate, she smiled at me, bright eyes with wonder, and left quickly. Evidently she was so enamoured that she had forgotten the very reason she had entered in the first place.

Her happiness led my mind to wander over everything that had happened in the past week or so. With a long, slow exhalation of breath, the list was mounting up of just how much craziness had been going on. Realising that the very reason for my own joy was asleep in our bedchamber, after having knocked me out, I knew that I would have to return and explain the reason for my absence. Doubtless he would have known the instant the door latch caught. Probably he had even watched me leave, but I had always respected his right to escape, and he afforded me the same respect. I also rose from the table, ready to return to him.

And stopped, part way through the rise. Gripping the table, I tried to understand what had just happened.

Deep within my stomach, against the wall of my belly, something had just awoken into life. It was small, tiny even, but it was undeniable. It was as if someone had flicked a finger very gently against my insides. I had never felt it before but it was so soft, so joyous.

 _So unmistakable._   

My heart beat faster and louder within my chest as I gently straightened. As I stood erect, I begged it to happen again but after staying still, holding my breath even, the baby refused to. The elf that had served both myself and the Inquisitor walked over to clear the table. I was dimly aware that he was talking to me but I was so desperate to feel that gentle tapping again that I only nodded at him, before walking out. Only one person needed to know why I was so still.

Quickly I dashed up stairs and along the walkways. Indeed the first day shift had started and fresh faced soldiers patrolled the stone parapets, deferring to me as I near ran along the path. Into our tower I bolted and up the stairs, throwing the door open before rushing over to the sleepy elf who sat up hurriedly when the clattering whirlwind burst into the room.

“Fenris!” I cried, excitedly climbing onto the bed. “Amatus, I just felt the baby kick!”

His sleep filled eyes, having been only moments before deep in dreams, looked up at me. He rubbed an eye in an attempt to understand what I was telling him.

“You … what?”  
“My love, I just felt the baby move inside me. It’s real! It’s actually real!”

A slow smile spread over his face, pulling his mouth into one of those rare smiles that only I saw. White teeth shone back at me.

“So the baby is healthy?”  
“From what I felt, it is.”

An arm shot out and wrapped itself around my shoulders, closely followed by the other one. Fenris held onto me so tightly that after a while I had to ask him to release me as I needed to take a breath. As I sat on the side of the bed, I shifted to face him and he could only stare at my stomach. His jaw clenched and unclenched, nostrils flaring, pupils dilating a little. It was as if he was trying to see through to the baby itself, trying to validate what I had just told him. From the set of his jaw, I could almost see the emotions that coursed through him. His hand cupped my cheek and our eyes locked. His green eyes searched mine, desperately seeking assurances that I was not lying to him. When he could tell I was not, his lips pressed together and disappeared. His thumb brushed away a tear of happiness that beaded and fell down my face.

We had not allowed ourselves to hope, not allowed ourselves that privilege. After what had happened last time, after the baby I had conceived had gone to be with the Maker, our souls had broken over the happiness we had felt and then lost. When I had learned I was carrying for a second time, lessons had been learned and we had agreed not to let ourselves be swept away again. Our tipping point had been when I could feel the baby; that was when we would allow ourselves to set out those plans and dreams again that parents have. The future stretched out in front of us. Mother and father – that’s what we were now. Not just two beings that had conceived a child, but two loving, caring, giving parents.

And, Maker willing, with our baby to hold.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extracts from a diary that Hawke keep during her pregnancy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the only way I could come up with to show the months-long journey that a pregnant woman goes through. It's not perfect but it does the job. It also isn't complete. Pregnancy is so complex that if I wrote thirty chapters on the thing, I'd have missed something out. Bare with me and I hope it's okay!

_Friday, 11 Wintermarch, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary_

_What the fuck am I doing? Varric has given me you and told me that it will ‘help’ me to record my pregnancy. Just so you know, I think this is bullshit._

_So, for the record, I am pregnant. I work with Eleanor and the War Room team, to help on strategy planning and running large establishments. I’m in the thick of it once more!_

_Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, badass motherfucker_

_*****_

_Tuesday, 15 Wintermarch, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary_

_Now I have Fenris on my case as well. I’m sitting here, writing away on the pages of this book while he sits by the fire. I think he’s reading. I want him to think I’m recording something useful but I’m going to write my top five best Fenris fucks –_

_5\. Kirkwall, after fighting the Arishok. He must have been turned on by my fighting prowess because he was an ANIMAL! Sigh …_  
_4\. LLomeryn, after finding out I was pregnant again. Soft, tender, wonderful._  
_3\. Nevarran countryside, in the hills above Perendale. Too much Nevarran whiskey, but he had no inhibitions that night!_  
_2\. Skyhold, after my return from the Fade. ~~Two souls, rejoined.~~ Urgh, mushy. I will not fall into that trap with this damned book._  
_1\. Kirkwall, our first time together. Always and forever the best. I can never forget that night._

_I’m going to leave it there, diary, because after all this reflecting, my husband is looking decidedly appealing._

_Anna Hawke, best lay in town_

_*****_

_Wednesday, 23 Wintermarch, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Well, have I caused a to-do! Those two snivelling, little Orlesian weasels that sit in the great hall all day and don’t do a DAMNED THING, finally said something loud enough for me to hear. They’ve been whispering little bits every now and again but usually I ignore them. They apparently have a problem with Fenris and I having a child (or ‘that elf’ as they deigned to call him, those TWATS!). I may, or may not, have spilled wine on their expensive clothes. From now on, they shall be called Winestain and Dickless. I was half impressed that they had the balls to say something loud enough for me to hear. Actually, diary, I can’t lie to you. Yes, I did it because they were being dicks, and racist ones at that. I’ll fuck who I want, thank you very much, and have babies with who I like. It just happens that my best friend and love of my life allows me to fuck him a lot. And yes, I got pregnant BECAUSE WE WANTED TO HAVE A BABY._

_Speaking of, this parasite has kicked only three times since last week. Four and a half months pregnant, nearly five, and only three kicks. Is that normal?_

_Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, spiller of fine wines_

_*****_

_Thursday, 24 Wintermarch, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Fuck. I’m halfway through this pregnancy. How the Veil did that happen?_

_Hawke, grower of babies_

_*****_

_Monday, 28 Wintermarch, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_I met with my midwife again today. I'd forgotten her name is Ruth. Nice name, Ruth. She’s going to keep coming to check up on me. Every two weeks, apparently. Maybe more, if I ‘keep up the pace’. Apparently I have to relax. With everything that is coming up?   Hahahahahahahaha!_

_Anna Hawke, sprint racer_

_*****_

_Wednesday, 30 Wintermarch, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Tomorrow is Wintersend and Fenris and I have always got each other a present. I hope to the Maker that he likes his present. A new back-mounted, leather scabbard for his two-hander. Cost me a lot of coin so I hope he’s grateful!_

_Hawke, wielder of fabulous gifts!_

_*****_

_Thursday, 1 Guardian, WINTERSEND, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Wow, do I feel like the luckiest – and shittest – wife around. Fenris was overjoyed with his new scabbard. His had been looking properly tatty for a long time and he groaned with pleasure when he tried it on. Really raving about how good it was going to be. So far, so good, eh? Nope. Not even fucking close. He brings out this delicately wrapped gift. It was lavender coloured tissue paper done up with a white silk ribbon. I’m wondering what the fuck it is. It was a dress, specially made to encorporate the bump. It was absolutely beautiful! It was made of some specially soft wool so it will keep me warm as well as make me look like less of a fucking pudding._

_Yet ho, diary! We haven’t finished yet! He started looking a little shifty and edged back towards the cupboard where he had been hiding what I thought was *the* present, not multiple. He pulled out another – smaller – gift. By this time, my heart had started tapping out a lively dance tune. With that small, half-sided, almost-apologetic, grin he has (the one that sends me nuts), he handed it over. I cried when I opened it, diary. It was a small bear toy. ‘For the baby’ he says, almost shyly. When is that man ever going to stop surprising me? LOVE HIM SO MUCH!_

_The rest of the day was spent with the gang. Cullen and Eleanor were especially loved up. They weren’t even hiding it. Josephine had moved her office/room/thing around so we could sit in there and enjoy ourselves. It was really great to spend the day with everyone._

_Anna Hawke, luckiest of wives_

_PS Late at night addendum – next year for Wintersend, we’ll have a child. What the actual fuck? Feeling a mixture of joy and fear, and confusion. But mostly fear._

_*****_

_Monday, 5 Guardian, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_FINALLY! Fenris got to feel the baby kick for the first time today. His little face was a picture! Little old bean has been kicking a lot more and getting really quite violent so at dinner today, I grabbed his hand and pressed it into my belly. It took a while but it worked. Fenris’ hand shot back like he’d been bitten. I must admit that I laughed something wicked! When he’d got over the initial shock, he tried again. That smile again, diary! It does something to me. It obviously must have done because we fucked quite loudly on the carpet in front of the bedroom fireplace. I must admit that the belly is getting a little cumbersome and we’re having to be a little careful. But I cannot keep my hands off him! I don’t know if it’s me being pregnant, or he’s being more attentive, or what, but I find myself raging for him! Even when I’m working with the Inquisitor, if I see him out of the window training with the troops, I get all fired up. I think he’s a little taken aback at how much I need to fuck him at the moment. CANNOT. STOP._

_Anna Hawke, wife to the best fuck monkey around_

_*****_

_Wednesday, 14 Guardian, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Haven’t been able to write much recently as there’s been so much going on. I’ve actually been asked not to write anything anywhere but I’ll put one word – H*********L. This operation is huge._

_Varric has also been bugging me about names. Keeps dropping hints that ‘Varric’ is a really great strong sounding name. Sons with that name tend to grow up manly and courageous. I asked him if they grow up hairy as well, or whether that was just him. He laughed. We’ve been having some of those old chats as well. Late into the night. Love that dwarf, though I’d never tell him. I’m really beginning to miss the old times. I think it’s because I’m enjoying what I’m doing at the moment so much. I would never tell them though. Makes me look weak, and we cannot have that, diary, can we?_

_And by the way, Ruth tells me she thinks I am nearly six months pregnant now. I’m like a fucking whale. My stomach is HUGE! Don’t think it helps that I’m eating everything in sight. Hope I don’t get much bigger than this._

_Anna, breeder of whales_

_*****_

_Friday, 16 Guardian, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_The troops have arrived back safely from ‘that place’. The operation was a success and besides some untimely politics and intrigues (that’s the fucking Game though, right?), EC is okay. I think that’s what we wanted. I hope it is. Eleanor went through enough to get there. I couldn’t go, of course, but Fenris did. Says that the ‘big house’ was something else entirely. And we have another mage in our presence at Skyhold. Fenris almost started snarling when he found out who she was. Every so often those little prejudices keep popping through. It really frustrates me but that’s the man. Nobody with that history can be completely healed of it. It breaks my heart to think of what he went through. I would never tell him but I often have dreams where I’m hunting down Danarius, catching him and then beating the ever living shit out of him. Skinning him is a particular favourite dream of mine._

_Anna Hawke, hunter of enemies_

_*****_

_Friday, 23 Guardian, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_So I had a bit of a break down today. And yes, someone got punched. My stomach is now so large that I can’t wear any trousers and have to wear dresses all the time. I had a fitting visit from the tailors that work in Skyhold. They’ve been so kind but when they put on one of the dresses that they had made for me, I looked in the mirror and saw only a woman with a large stomach. That’s all I could see. Not my achievements, not my skills, not my general badassery, but a stomach that is growing all the time. Is this what I have been reduced to? A baby machine? And am I really going to get that much bigger?_

_Anyway, it was Fenris that got punched. In the arm._

_Hawke, pugilista extraordinaire_

_*****_

_Tuesday, 27 Guardian, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_I feel really fucking low today. Really, really shitty. I’ve been working loads, eating loads, screwing Fenris loads. Why do I feel so crap? Please make me feel better._

_Hawke, Champion of blue_

_*****_

_Saturday, 1 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Got so much energy this week! No idea where it has come from but I’ve welcomed it so badly. Went through a rough patch last week. Fenris’ shoulder has been leant on a lot. We talked a lot and figured out what it was at the moment that was getting me down. It’s the immobility and change in my body. It’s beginning to get a little too much now. Up until now it’s been this cute little bump that’s been really nice to let people touch and feel (Leliana of all people has been the cutest person, cooing over me all the day long). Now I’m starting to feel it. I keep having pains in my hips. I’ve had them a little bit every now and again. Ruth says it’s normal. The bottom of my pelvis is starting to ache as well. Is that normal? She says it is but I’m not so convinced. Sometimes it feels as if everything is going to drop out. Anyway, I’ve been up and down the stairs this week. Fenris keeps telling me to take a bath. I’m assuming it’s because of the aches in my joints, not because I smell. At this moment, I’m beginning to wonder …_

_Anna Hawke, body morpher_

_*****_

_Sunday, 2 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Weird as shit dream last night. I was looking in a mirror and Dorian was looking back at me. Whenever I moved to another wall, there was another mirror and there was someone else from Skyhold. My voice, different face. Scared the fuck out of me!_

_Must ask Ruth if this is normal._

_Anna, dreamer of strange dreams_

_*****_

_Thursday 6 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Winestain and Dickless have been sent home! Eleanor and I were taking a lovely walk along the battlements during the evening and who should we overhear gossiping but those two with some new arrivals from Val Royeaux. They were giving the news from inside Skyhold to the fresh faces and we overheard them. Maker, they weren’t holding anything back. Eleanor had to hold me back when they said it was unnatural to mate with an elf. I saw red! Those motherfuckers need to die. Judging me? HOW FUCKING DARE THEY! And to be so racist about it. Hate, hate, HATE them! But they’re gone now and I can relax._

_Little bean is moving around like a fucking dragon in there! Kicking the shit out of me, is what’s it’s doing. People keep wanting me to guess whether it’s a boy or a girl. I keep telling them the same damn thing – it’s a fucking baby. It will come out and I’ll love it regardless._

_Which is another thing. Ruth is becoming a little worried about me. Apparently my piss is showing some crap in it. She insisted on testing me for this or that. It was disgusting but if she needs to see that the baby is okay then so be it. She’s saying that my schedule is untenable. I met her today and she’s concerned. I’m going to have to lie to her next time as I think she’s going to have a word with the Inquisitor about relieving me of some work and making me cut back. Fenris has been moaning at me too though. We had a huge argument this evening which is something that we never do. I hated it but I’m not going to sit and just grow a massive fucking stomach. That’s not what I do. That’s not what a Hawke does!_

_Anna Hawke, proud and ever so fucking stubborn_

_*****_

_Monday, 10 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Today I broke down properly when I got back to the room. It all started with the last entry in you, and saying about what a Hawke does. It got me thinking of my family and who’s not going to be there when the baby comes. I miss my mother so fucking much. Diary, I’m crying again now. This kid is going to grow up not knowing who her grandparents are, nor her aunt and uncle. It’s only going to have Fenris and myself. Not that he’s going to be anything other than amazing but I feel like such an empty waste of space at the moment. I don’t have anyone to turn to. Isn’t this the time that daughters are suppose to need their mothers more than ever? Or their sister, even? And I have neither with me. This is too much. I can’t do this, diary. I really feel like I can’t do it at all. And this little bean inside me. I just feel so sorry for it. Growing up in a world where grandparents aren’t there, telling stories and doting on it. I think it’s that that’s bothering me the most._

_Anna_

_*****_

_Friday, 27 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_I’m sorry that I haven’t been seeing much of you lately. It was after the last time when I got caught up in a whirlwind of crappy emotions. It’s been weird but I’ve been having regular sit-downs with Eleanor and talking about a lot of things. She’s really helped me out. She’s so strong. Apparently her and Cullen are talking about the future! That’s really positive and I’m really happy for the two of them. She confided it’s seeing me and Fenris pottering around Skyhold that’s done it for them. He’s been asking about her views of children and marriage and things like that. She would say yes in a heartbeat if he asked, I know she would. Anyway, I’ve been able to work out a good load of issues with her. She gets it. She gets the isolation and the drive to push yourself. Everyone is relying on you. That’s the killer. When everyone turns to you for answers. She’s helped me see that after all I’ve done, I can kick this thing in the ass. Emotions be damned!_

_I’ve been put on garden leave as well as Ruth says that I need to stop working. Seven and a half months gone now. My mobility is fucked. My hips are fucked. My joints are fucked. My energy is fucked. My breathing is fucked. My ankles seem to be swelling up at the time as well. And to top it all off, my nausea is back! Joy of joys, diary, I’m being sick again! Heartburn all of the motherfucking time. This time though I’ve discovered milk. I’m drinking gallons of the stuff as it really helps! The good thing at the moment is that my breasts are huge! But constantly dripping milk, which is weird. In one end and out the other._

_Eleanor has been really understanding about me stepping down. I’ve got to have a couple of mages look at me tomorrow. This thing to do with my piss is still there. I’ll beat it, I know I will._

_Anna, conqueror of morning sickness!_

_*****_

_Saturday, 28 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Apparently the mage thing was successful. All Ruth would tell me was that I was better. Okay then, Ruthie, you be all vague. Solas, Dorian, and Vivienne were all there to oversee what was going on. Because that’s not weird at all … It’s over now which is the main thing. I’ll ask her one day but for now, she won’t tell me. Dorian says that I had something wrong with my blood pressure and that they were fixing things. Solas was there because of the Fade aspect to the baby. He reports back that everything is normal as well. I don’t think they’re telling me the truth but I don’t even want to know. All I care about is that the baby is healthy._

_Anna Hawke, survivor of anything!_

_*****_

_Sunday, 29 Drakonis, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_Well, at least I know that the bell system around Skyhold works properly! So I thought I was in labour last night. My stomach cramped all of a sudden whilst Fenris and I were at dinner, then five minutes later it did it again. Only this time, much more painful. It was only around the front but really intense. We were in the Herald’s Rest when it happened so we called for the nearest servant to fetch Ruth. Luckily she was in the infirmary tending to some other women. She came running. As she did this, I could hear bells going off all around the castle. This scared me as well. Five minutes after Ruth arrives, the Inquisitor arrives with Cullen (no surprise that they’re joined at the hip!), plus Dorian and Iron Bull who were upstairs drinking anyway. After all that shitstorm I find out that this is apparently normal. It’s my body’s way of ‘practising’ for labour. If this is anything like labour then damn, it’s going to hurt!_

_Fenris is being an absolute star at the moment. Cannot fault him for anything. He’s fetching drinks for me, massaging my feet (which have swollen to the size of fucking housecats!), running baths for me. I even caught him the other day trying to fold a piece of cloth around the bear’s ass (the one that he bought for the baby). After much evasive bullshit, I managed to get out of him that Ruth has been giving him lessons on how to put a nappy on. I didn’t even think of that! How much other shit have I missed out on? Next time I see this woman, I will be interrogating her as to what I need to know. One of the things that I’ve been wondering is how often do you wash a baby? It’s so small. How mucky can it get? I know everyone says they shit everywhere but that much? Really?_

_Also, names. I’ve been trying to pin Fenris down so we can sit and discuss names for this little thing. I have a few in mind. I really like Felix for a boy and Bethany for a girl. Fenris has suggested some that are gorgeous. Beautiful elven names that I never knew, one I like in particular. I’d like to name the baby after someone close to us as well. I’m sure something will come up. The thing is that whatever we choose, the little bean will have for the rest of their lives. That’s a pretty fucking huge responsibility right there! Urgh._

_Anna, bestower of beauty_

_*****_

_Tuesday, 1 Cloudreach, 9:41 Dragon_

_Why is it so difficult to pick a fucking name?_

_Anna Hawke, solver of riddles_

_*****_

_Saturday, 12 Cloudreach, 9:41 Dragon_

_Dear diary,_

_More ‘practicing’ from my bump. I don’t mind telling you, diary, that I’m officially scared now. I keep thinking more and more about how to get this baby out of there. It moves around in me like it does not give a fuck what major organ it shoves aside, or kicks the shit out of. How am I going to be able to get this out of me. Ruth says that it’s ‘engaged’ or some shit like that. At eight months, really? This sounds fishy to me. All the time she keeps reminding me that the baby has been in the Fade, and that it might be speeding up due to that, but I don’t think so. I think something is wrong. Some sixth sense is telling me that it is. Or am I just being paranoid? I can’t get the fear out of my head. Ruth and I had the birthing talk today. She wanted to know what I thought I was in for, and then proceeded to scare me shitless. I know that my vagina is going to take a battering but really, the size of my palm? It has to get to that big!? She says that the baby’s head will be that big and that’s the bit that will hurt the most. I’ve been having a few teary talks with Fenris about it anyway. I’m just fucking petrified. How will I be able to cope? With fighting I know what I’m doing. Pointy end in – that’s about as much as you need to know. But this is so far beyond anything I have done. Nobody in Skyhold has had kids, nobody is pregnant to my knowledge (why would they be? It’s a fucking fortress!) so nobody can tell me what’s going on. All I have is Ruth to tell me what to do._

_I can’t move at night now, either. To turn over in bed I have to grab my stomach and haul it over myself, turning as I go. It’s an undignified nightmare. I can’t reach down to my shoes either. Fenris has to help me get dressed now. He even has to lace my boots up. Thank goodness the weather is getting better and I don’t have to wear all those winter clothes. I’m so hot and sweaty these days that I would not be able to manage it. It’s all I can do at the moment not to walk around Skyhold in nothing but my bump and a smile!_

_I know though, and I’ve known for a while, that I am really fucking excited to meet this kid. Fenris and I have been talking about holding the baby, and feeding it, and cuddling it, and getting it sleep, and singing to it. He’s always talking the baby through my stomach. I’ll lay on the bed and he’ll crawl next to it and just talk. I swear that the kicking and activity stops when he gets close. This baby will love Fenris, I can tell already. He never acts like this outside the bedroom but inside, he’s getting so excited it’s just so heartwarming and wonderful to see.  I really did pick the right husband!_

_Cannot wait to meet this little one._

_Anna, mother to be!_

_PS Thanks once again, diary.  I know you're sheaves of paper bound in the skin of some dead animal, but you have actually helped me.  Varric was right after all, not that I'll ever tell him of course._


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Fenris' child is brought into the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I love *all* my readers, this is especially for three out there. Trashperson, boop and nope - this one's for you.

I was crying.  Tears of laughter were genuinely dripping down my face.  If only Thedas knew that right at this moment, the leader of the Inquisition's armed forces was blindfolded and trying to put a nappy onto a small doll, the Mage-Templar war would fade into insignificance.  He was racing against Cassandra - a Seeker and possibly the next Divine - who seemed to be getting more and more frustrated by the second.  Cullen was trying his hardest to think rationally and be logical about the construction of the thing, but from the profanities coming from the Seeker on the other side of the table, it was not going so well.

"Five, four, three, two, one ... and stop!" called Eleanor who also could not stop giggling.

Both combatants stopped and ripped off their blindfolds.

"What?!" cried Cassandra who had managed to put the nappy on around one leg only.  Very securely fastened, but still only one leg.  "This is preposterous!"  
"Come on, Cassandra.  At least yours stays on." laughed Eleanor.  She picked up Cullen's doll and it very quickly lost the loosely tied cloth, causing him to chuckle a little.  He also blushed slightly but she leaned down to kiss him lightly on the lips, before standing back up and tenderly mussing his hair.  He pulled her back quickly to sit on his lap, causing her to yelp, and his strong arms kept her in place.  The two looked idyllically happy.  
"I was not prepared for what the game entailed." Cassandra replied very seriously, making excuses and trying not to look so unimpressed.  She was angry with herself but still not prepared to ruin the party.  
"It's only a game, Cassandra.  Yours is strong and well structured."  
"And on one leg!"

I wiped away tears of laughter as the conversation descended into gentle teasing, which caused Cassandra's cheeks to redden ever further.  Eleanor had thrown a small party in honour of the impending birth.  Everyone of importance had been invited.  Iron Bull and Blackwall had excused themselves.  They were very polite but had confessed that they would not be of much use in a party such as was there.  Solas had also given his congratulations but had not shown up.  I didn't mind as I did not want anyone to be uncomfortable on my part.  She had heard about the custom from somewhere and bounced up to me very excitedly one day, begging me to allow her to hold one.  I had consented after much beseeching and indeed I was glad she had done so.  There was much seriousness afoot.  Building up in the south was the whole world of shit that was the Corypheus mess.  Very definitely I could not go and help so had been confined to Skyhold, helping where I could.  Strategy and such like, until my midwife had practically forbade me to even move.  Apparently I had shown some signs of 'something nasty' so I had had to stop.  Fenris stayed on in his role helping to train troops and even ran very successful campaigns against Avvar tribes in the Frostbacks.  However, as the birth was drawing near, he had requested that he stay in the castle until after the baby had been born.  Eleanor had granted this without question and with a lot of blessing.  Both of us could see just how much joy she was taking from the whole thing.  She had to deal with so much shit that to have something infinitely more positive to look forward to was keeping her going at one point.

The muscles in my belly tightened and instinctively I held my breath.  By now, I was having these practice contractions several times a day.  Being used to it, I wasn't worried.   _Just keep breathing,_ I forced my mind to say.  Letting out the air and shifting in my seat caused the pain to subside and I smiled again.  Fenris placed a hand on my arm and glanced over to ask if I was okay.  By now, he was as used to them as I was.  This one was perhaps slightly more uncomfortable but I wasn't worried in any way.  I blew him a kiss to alleviate his concern and turned back to where the Inquisitor was now stood in the middle of the room.

"Now!" Eleanor announced, holding her hands out and bringing a hush to the lively conversation that had taken the room.  "We come to the end of the evening.  I would like to thank Josephine for graciously following orders and letting us use her office again."

I smiled warmly at the Antivan who sat across from me.  She and I had worked a long way towards becoming friends and, whilst not all the way there, we were now happy in each other's presence.  Tonight she was smiling and laughing a lot and I felt very grateful towards her.

"I hope you've enjoyed yourself, Anna?  Fenris?"  
"You have all been very kind.  It's not often you are so happy to feel so fat." I smirked.  
"Okay, now we have one more present that we'd be very happy if you'd accept?" I nodded eagerly as she looked at me, her large, green eyes hopeful and expectant.  "Yay!" she cried, jumping slightly on the spot happily.  "Please both close your eyes!" came the command.

We did so, at least I did.  I assumed Fenris had done the same.  I could hear some shuffling and grunting as if someone was carrying something heavy.  My brow crinkled as I wondered what it was.  A huge cake flittered through my mind briefly but I smirked and pushed it aside.  Eleanor's whispered voice jittered as she gave out orders that were brief and friendly, but worried that something would break.  For the life of me, I could not work out what it was but I was very eager to see it.

"Okay, you can open your eyes!"

I did so, and gasped before breaking out in a wide, grateful smile.  Before me stood a cradle made from dark wood, wide and elegant, with carvings of animals and flowers all along the head and feet boards.  As quickly as I could, I stood to have a closer look, pushing myself up in a very ungainly manner and waddling over.  My fingers ran over the smooth wood and I walked around the magnificent creation.  It was perfect!  A white cotton sheet covered what looked like a soft mattress for the baby to sleep on.  A blanket knitted from different squares in various colours lay folded up perfectly at the foot of the bed.  I stood and stared at the whole thing.  I had already fallen in love with it.

"Well?" came the prompt, lifting me from my daydreams.  
"It is more glorious than I could have imagined." I said softly.  "Thank you all so much."

I turned to give Eleanor a huge hug, prompting an embarrassing round of applause from those gathered.  As her arms wrapped around me, I winced for another contraction had taken my stomach.  A hiss of breath was sucked in through my teeth.

"Are you okay?" she whispered concernedly, her words covered by the clapping still going on.  
"Please don't say anything.  I don't want anyone to worry." I begged before withdrawing from her and looking to all my other friends, ignoring the uneasy look that had briefly clouded her face.    
"Speech!" roared Varric as he raised a beer tankard to me.

The din died down as they all turned to face me.  It was clear from their happy faces that they were oblivious of the pain that I had felt.  The closeness to the other had me a little concerned but I pushed it to the back of my mind.

"Thank you all so much.  This little party has really made me feel like part of the team.  All these gifts and tokens, and games and food?  It's been so much fun.  I thank you.  For not only taking us in when we needed you, but for allowing  us to help, providing shelter, work, everything; it has shown just what graceful and magnanimous people run this show." I smuked briefly as I turned to my husband.  "Years ago, when I was running about Kirkwall trying to help a dwarf called Anso, I never realised that all this time later the man I met that night would be with me all this time.  Before I thank anyone else, I have to say something to him.  Fenris?"

I could only feel that emotion was making my throat dry.  He sat there patiently, a warm smile on his face, on the edge of his seat ready to come to my side if I needed him.

"I cannot do this without you, amatus.  I have said this time and time again - you will be the perfect father to this baby." 

The queasy feeling of too much mushiness was rising within me.  I could feel my face break into a smile.

"Anyway, I have a reputation to uphold so if anyone repeats what I have just said, I will break you.  And if you'll excuse me, I am going to retire from this party now and shuffle off to bed.  Thank you so much."

Another kind clap echoed around the room and people gathered broke into small pockets of conversation with their neighbours.  The evening had come to a natural stop anyway and I could see that different people stood and gathered their things as they talked.  Eleanor strode over to stand next to me again.

"I will have castle staff move this to your rooms soon."

She gave me another hug and I took the opportunity to whisper into her ear.  "Please could you have someone fetch Ruth for me?  Let her meet me at my rooms.  Subtly, Eleanor, please."

The birth was enough of a weight on my mind that I did not want the bullshit of a gossip circus, with news that I was in labour rocketing around Thedas.  This was what the anxiety in my head was saying anyway; that I would be under a spotlight once news got out.  If I could get back to my rooms and shut the doors then I could pretend that everything else didn't exist.  I was fairly convinced that she would tell me nothing would happen anyway but something at the back of my mind told me this was different.  Bowing my head to people, but refraining from engaging in conversation, I headed for the door.  Fenris joined me quickly and we walked off into the night air together.  It was spring and the mountains were not as unforgiving as they had been over winter.  Across the courtyard, I could feel something gathering in the low of my back but I was determined and walked on.  Another small contraction took me but I gritted my teeth and walked on.  Something was very definitely happening with the baby.  By now there had been three in past half an hour.  Much more often than my body had been practising with.  My stride slowed but didn't break.

"Anna?" came the growl.  
"Just, keep, walking." I strained.  

Within seconds it had finished anyway - in line with the others - but I knew, somehow I  _knew_ , that this was different.  I had grown used to taking stairs slowly, ungracefully climbing them one at a time and pausing for many breaths.  I didn't know how big this baby would be but I was sure that I had no lungs left with which to breathe.  Eventually Fenris and I reached our rooms and I walked straight into the adjoining garderobe that we used for our toilette.  I couldn't help myself but I had felt all evening like I needed to relieve myself quite forcefully.  My body duly obliged as soon as I sat down and all manner of nastiness fell away down the side of the mountain.  

"Anna?" Fenris asked again from outside the door.  "Is everything okay?"

I tried to clean myself as best I could and waddled back to the fireplace chair, almost blanking him in my eagerness to sit down.  My eyes drooped as I rested my elbow on the arm and tapped the pads of my fingers on my face.  He joined me, silently sitting across the carpet from me.  The only way I knew he was nearby was the soft scrape of the chair as he dragged it nearer to me.  Again the room descended into quiet.

"It's time, isn't it?"

The low, deep voice that I loved so much carried so much pressure without meaning to that my racing heart and fearful brain caused me to break down into tears.  My body knew that the time had come and the anxiety I had felt mounting up over the past few weeks, indeed months, was coming out.  Within moments, he was kneeling in front of me, tenderly grasping my hand with one of his and stroking my shoulder with the other.

"I'm so scared, Fenris." I whispered.  
"Only because this is what you don't know.  Fear of the unknown is everyone's undoing, from time long ago to when the world ends."

I brushed tears away with my thumb.  My lips trembled as I stared at the fire, desperate not to catch his eye.  I felt like I was letting him down.

"What if I can't do this?"  
"You can.  Of course you can.  You are Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall.  You are my wife and the strongest woman I have ever known.  I love you and I have faith that you _can_ do this."

He lifted the hand he was delicately holding and kissed the backs of my fingers before moving forward to kiss my lips.  Tears mingled into his mouth but as he drew back, his eyes caught mine. He had the strength; I just wasn't sure  _I_ did. 

A gentle knock at the door interrupted us.  With an apologetic smile, he rose and walked over.  Even before I saw her, I could tell Ruth had walked into the room.  It was something in the calming aroma of the herbs she used, or the slow manner in which she walked.  It was as if she could drain all the craziness with one smile.  I needed her right now.  She stopped next to the chair and looked down at me.  I took one look at her patient, inquisitive smile and smirked back up at her, or tried to anyway.  With the serene way she had, she ran her hand over my head, smoothing back my hair and soothing me.  Her skin was cold, much like my mother's had been.  That link, that was all I needed.  Ruth couldn't have known that my own mother had done that many a time when I was upset.  

"You can do this." she breathed quietly.  
"What do I need to do?" I replied.  
"First you need to tell me what has been happening."  
"Three contractions in the past half an hour, both different from the practice ones.  Please believe me, I can just tell."  
"I've learned to trust women in labour.  They just know." she smiled.  "What else?"  
"I've just emptied my bowels, or what it felt like." I told her, blushing.

Again the knowing smile as she sat down opposite me.  Fenris took up his place on the seat next to me.

"That happens as well.  Have you had any water running down your leg?  Feeling like you've just weed yourself?"  A shake of the head from me.  What the fuck?  Was that to come?  More indignity?  "Well, it seems to me you probably are in the early stages, but it is only the _early_ stages.  Now we've talked about pain relief.  I can fetch a mage if you want to?"  
"No, I don't want that.  I want to do this as natural as possible."  
"Okay, that's what I thought we'd agreed."

Another contraction stole over my stomach, starting at the base of my spine and stealing upwards like a painful wave.

"Breathe." came the patient reminder.  I forced myself to breathe out slowly, just as she had shown me before today.  Another knock at the door took Fenris briefly from me but he came back soon after the contraction had finished.  Ruth had been breathing with me through the pain.  
"That was Eleanor.  She wanted to make sure everything was alright.  She's posted a runner downstairs, just in case you want something.  So we don't have to use the bell system."  
"A runner?"  
"Yes, you know her.  Wears a lot of purple." he smiled.  I grinned when I realised who it was.  
"Does she not have anything else to do?"  
"Apparently not."

I turned back to Ruth.

"So?"  
"I don't think we need to worry for the moment.  They are, what, ten minutes apart?  Fifteen?  I'm going to leave you with this clock ..."  
"Leave me?" I cried, rising slightly from the chair but regretting it almost instantly.  
"Yes, but you will be okay.  It will make you worse if I sit in the corner.  In my experience, it is better for the woman to prowl round the room, control the environment.  If the midwife is there, it serves to heighten her anxiety, especially if it is her first."  
"Okay.  When do we get you back?" I asked nervously.  
"When they are roughly five minutes apart.  I have to warn you, it may take all night.  Or it may be in the next hour."

I nodded silently.  Even in my predicament, I could see her reasoning.

"You'll be fine.  You and Fenris have sat and asked me enough questions over the past few months.  You know what you have to do.  It's just the panic and the uncertainty.  I'll only be in the Herald's Rest."

She got up again and handed a small clock to my elf before walking to the door with him.  I could hear the two of them whispering.  He returned to me presently with a smile.

"Tea?"

It took eight fucking hours for the contractions to even move near to five minutes.  Ruth had checked back on me before going to her rooms to sleep.  Dorian had relieved Leliana downstairs, or so Fenris told me, and apparently was pleasantly asleep in one of the chairs.  I had paced around the room, tidied the drawers in my dresser, instructed Fenris on where to put the furniture that had been next to the bed.  I wanted that beautiful cot to go there, right next to me so I could hear the baby in the night if it needed me.  With the furniture moved, I could see that it needed cleaning so down I got on my hands on knees.  In between the gritting of teeth and profuse swearing, of course.  When the dawn had started to break, I had insisted Fenris lay down and try to get some sleep.  It was pointless us both being awake and I could see how tired he was, but how much he was ignoring it.  

The contractions had swung between six minutes apart, to twenty, to fifteen, to eight, but right now - in the past half hour - they had finally moved to regularly five minutes apart.  I was coping better than I had expected.  Now I knew when they would roughly come then I knew how to cope with them.  That gave me confidence but they were also gathering in pain.  Fenris snored lightly next to me but he awoke with a sleepy jolt when he felt me poke him.

"Go and get her.  I need her now." were the only instructions I gave him.

Only two contractions had passed before she was stood next to me.

"You're looking so much better than when I last saw you.  You can do this."  
"Yep, I'm feeling a little bit more positive.  Even though it fucking hurts."  Ruth smiled knowingly at me as I got up from the bed.  "Walking is helping a little actually."  
"Good.  Do more of that then.  Do whatever your body wants you to do.  I'm going to be right here now until the baby comes.  I just need to sort out the little bundle that I've brought with me.  You do what you need to and I'll do what I need to.  We'll meet in a bit when you need me."

Over the next hour, the contractions became stronger.  It wasn't with a huge kick that they changed but after an hour, I realised that I was needing to focus just that little bit more on the breathing.  However it was getting to the point where even that wasn't helping.

"Owwww ..." I moaned through pursed lips.  "Owwww-owwww ..."

I was hanging onto the back of one of the armchairs and leaning forward, burying my head as I breathed like I had been doing all along.  Fenris' warm hand rubbed my back slowly and lovingly.  I had ditched my dress, along with most of my clothes.  I couldn't give a fuck though.  The pain from my stomach muscles squeezing tightly together drove all thoughts of dignity from my mind.  "They're lasting longer, Ruth." I winced as I looked up to a husband that by now was as aware of what my body was doing as I was, or so it seemed.    
"Can I get you anything?" he said as calmly as he could.  I could see from the look in his eyes that he was apprehensive as to how this was affecting me.  Silently I shook my head.  I had been sipping water all the time.  When food had been brought, it had stayed on the table where it had been placed.  It turned my stomach to even think of eating.  
"Ohhhh...." I started as another wave took me.  Much as I tried, the breathing wasn't helping with the pain any more and my voice dissolved into tiny tears, cut through by the slicing agony that was wrapping around me inescapably.  "Fenris, Fenris.  This is too much." I cowered, shivering with the pain.  My fingers dug into the softness of the chair but I could see that my knuckles were turning white.  "I can't do this."  
"You can, Hawke.  I know you can."  
"I can't." came the sobs.  
"Amata, this is not going to last forever." he spoke, as calmly as he could.  
"It fucking seems like iiiiiiitttt ... arrghhh!"

With the end of the contraction, my breath returned to me and I panted, trying desperately to draw in air before the next one started.  Turning to Ruth, I stared at her.

"What potions did you bring?"  
"All of them.  They are as I discussed with you.  All will have their benefits, but their drawbacks too."  
"I need something.  Please."  
"Okay, try this one then.  It is a special one that I have made, working with a potion brewer that I know.  He is the best.  It will take the edge off just enough."

She unstoppered one of the bottles from the desk that she had set up, and proffered it to me.  I grabbed it and quickly brought it to my lips.  The taste of lemon sang down my throat and almost immediately I could sense the change.  Another contraction started to take over and I could feel the same intense pull inwards.  However, at the height of them, the edge had been taken off.  It was enough.

"I think we need to get you onto the bed now, Anna.  That is still what you want, right?"  
"Can I stay here for a little long ... "  A snarl erupted from my mouth as another wave of pain hit me.  The potion stayed true and I was more than grateful for that little bit of fight it had given back to me.  Shakily I tried breathing as Ruth had taught me again, and found it actually was helping again.   
"You can do whatever you want."  
"Arrrrrrggh..." I cried out into the room.  Like when I fought, the shouting took the pain away momentarily and gave me something else to focus on.  

I felt so removed from all this.  A sense of disassociation had stolen over me without me realising it.  My body was operating completely independently of what I wanted it to do.  I felt like a passenger in all of this, so under my own body's spell was I.   _Well_ , I thought, _I can either fight this or go with it_.  Through gritted teeth, I tried to smile up at Fenris who I had gripped onto.  I hugged him as closely as the huge stomach would let me.  His warm arms held me closely as I cried out into his neck.  But this one was different.  Deep inside me, my body felt like it was closing into a tube.  Muscles that I didn't even know I had squeezed downwards.  There was something there, something stopping me being able to close my legs.  Something massive.

"Maker," I wheezed, crying out to Ruth, "something new is happening!"  
"Okay, what is it?"  
"I feel like my body wants to push."  
"That's perfectly normal for now.  This is important though, Anna.  You are entering the last stages of labour.  You're going to need to push this baby out now.  You're ready.  Where do you want to do it?"

My legs were fucked from standing for so long and the soft pile of pillows that Fenris had stacked looked like the softest of clouds right now.

"On the bed." I whimpered.  
"Let's get you on it then.  Fenris?" 

Both of them helped me across to the bed to where she had laid blankets across the sheets.  I grabbed onto them and held on for dear life.  The quilt had been moved earlier in the night to make way for when I needed it.  Slowly, I moved to stand next to it and clung to the wooden frame, sure that my knuckles were going to make a dent.  

"We need to take the rest of your clothes off now, Anna.  Is that okay?"  

With a grimace, I nodded.  Somehow they were slid off and I found that I was naked.  There was no time to focus on it though.  Awkwardly, I climbed up onto the bed.  Being on all fours helped a little and stayed there for a few minutes.  Another contraction had my body pressing everything down towards my arse.

"Maker!" Ruth laughed as water came exploding out of my vagina, smiling as she did so.  Turning over to lay down, I smiled back at her, even through the pain.  
"My waters, right?  Is this what you mean?"  
"Yes.  That was they."

Laying down on my back, I could feel every single, damned part of my back wracked with agony.  I half-sat, half-lay on the pillows, gripping onto the sheets for dear life.

"No, these pillows need to go!  Now!" I shouted, angry that they were there in the first place.  

Hastily Fenris swung up and pushed them out of the way.  Softly they fell to the floor.  I couldn't give another fuck as I fell back to the bed.  Ruth took up her place at the bottom of the bed, sat on the side and watching what was happening with this baby.

"Anna, when the next contraction comes, you have to push.  No matter how long.  Okay?"  
"I'll try.  Here it ... comes."

 _Push, push, push, push, push, push, push,_  I shouted at myself.  As the wave ended, I cried out to the ceiling.  A stone rosette sat in the middle of the ceiling and I focused on that.  Another wave was coming soon, and again I fell into the world of agony.

"Push!" Ruth cried.  "You're doing really well here, Anna.  Keep going.  Push!  That's great!"

Catching my breath, I smirked up at Fenris who beamed down at me.

"You're doing fabulously."

I barely heard the end of it as another contraction came.  Another roar echoed to the ceiling, bouncing off of the stone.  Teeth bared, I lay back.  I felt powerful, regal even.  Here I was, clothed in nothing but sweat, bringing this tiny baby out into the world.  This was what I was made for.

"I can see the baby's head now." Ruth proclaimed proudly.  See it?  Fucking fabulous!  I could _feel_ the massive rock that was making it's way out of my body!  

A burning, roaring sensation was building up between my legs.  It was all the pain I had felt so far, pressed down into one ring of fire.  Intense, focused, severe.  With a sudden break in the pain, I felt a spike of agony.

"What has happened?"  
"The baby's head is out." Ruth explained quickly.  As I watched her, she never lost her calm sense of peace but she was indeed moving round a lot quicker.  "Anna, the baby's cord is wrapped around it's neck."  
"WHAT?" I screamed, imagining the worst.  Panic rose in me, almost strangling the life from my throat.  
"It's okay but just don't push.  Give me a moment ... and done.  Everything is now fine for the final few tries.  Fenris, would you like to see it?"  
"See what?" he asked naively.  I almost laughed at him, swinging my hand to bat his arm.  
"The baby, you fucking idiot!" I panted.

He stood up, unaware of how quickly he was moving and looked to what was going on, never once letting go of my hand.  His face stopped and I think he even couldn't breathe as he looked at my vagina, so open and exposed to the world.  His mouth dropped open and he looked up at me.  To the end of my days, I would never forget how surprised he looked, and how proud.  Floating back, he could barely talk.

"Anna, how ... ?"  
"Fenris, can you see it?" I cried out.  He nodded mutely, returning to my side.  Fenris couldn't say anything but pressed his warm lips to my forehead in a primal display of affection before returning to sit next to me.  
"Anna Hawke, only a few more pushes and this baby will be out." Ruth's voice cut through everything again.  "When the baby is here, I'm going to make sure it's okay and then put it straight onto your chest like you asked for.  Is that still what you want?"  
"Yes, but I want Fenris to tell me what sex the baby is."  
"If that is what you want?"

Ruth spoke with cool composure, telling me what was happening but never forcing me.  Pressing my lips together, and feeling tears of pride surfacing, I grabbed hold of my husband's hand as I nodded at her.  A telltale wave of pain caught me and I readied myself, pushing against the blockage that was keeping my legs apart.

"Push, push, push, push! " Ruth commanded, staring hawk-like at the baby's head.  That contraction ended but another was almost on top of it.  Again I gritted my teeth and pushed for all I was worth.  With a sudden release, there was a rush of what felt like hard water run out of my vagina.  A waterfall of flesh and liquid gushed out onto the bed.  "The baby is here!" came the cry from Ruth.

My breath surged back to me.  Blood rushed to my head and my ears.  

"Fenris, what is it?" I cried, staring up at him.

Looking up at me from the mass of beauty and love that Ruth was rubbing with a towel she had procured from nowhere, he turned to me and spoke, not even believing what was in front of us.  Beaming at what he could see, he kissed me.  A kiss so deep and wonderful and true.  His green eyes, wide with love and already full of adoration, shone at me.

"Anna, it's a girl."  
"A girl?" I cried.  Wave after wave of pride at what I had achieved crashed through my system.  The pain, already forgotten, spasmed down below.  I didn't care.  
"Are you ready?" Ruth asked.  

With a nod, I waited for the moment that I had spent a lifetime waiting for.  I didn't know what to expect.  I knew what babies looked like - I could just about remember the twins arriving in our house.  But my own baby?  My own flesh and blood?  This was something I just couldn't comprehend.  Even though I had just pushed her out of my body, I wasn't ready.  I didn't feel like I would ever be ready.  But I wanted it.  With a nod, Ruth simply lifted a small ball of purple and white, wriggling and wrinkled, and placed her onto my chest.

I saw her.

My world stopped, although it felt as if it had only just started.  She was here, as if she had always been here.  The wet skin, soft as the purest of velvets, felt as glorious as any of the finest silks.  Tears poured down my face as the squirming mass of baby lifted her bobbing head off my chest, trying to find me.  Somehow I just knew it.  A squawk, as distinct and unmistakable as any sound I had ever known, shot through the air, followed by another pitiful cry.  Without thinking, I lifted her nearer to my face and kissed the top of her head, speaking softly to her.  Resting her head between my breasts, I asked Fenris to fetch a blanket.  Within moments, my baby was nestled and warm.  

I couldn't take my eyes from her.

"Do you have a name?" Ruth asked, reminding me that someone else was in the room. 

Nodding, I finally looked up at Fenris who seemed to glow as he stared at his child.  His eyes were bound to her, hardly looking away.

"Fenris?" I asked softly.  "That name you told me is perfect.  It's just ... her."

Unable to talk, and unwilling to remove his gaze from the new core of wonder in his life, he simply nodded.  A smile so broad and noble engaged his face like no other I had seen.  He simply shone.

"Adelas." he breathed.  "My daughter."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, she's here! I've known all along that she would be a girl. Almost from the moment that I decided Hawke was pregnant. It's been wonderful watching your comments as you waited for her with me. I hope you like her name as well. That's been decided for a long time. I think she told it to me herself. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. xxx
> 
> PS Don't worry - I haven't finished ;)


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The precious first few hours after Adelas is born.

I was vaguely aware of Ruth talking to me.  Through the dim haze of physical trauma, the sound of her voice slowly came through to me, gathering volume in soft waves.  Her voice became crystallised and I looked up, away from the magnet that had suddenly appeared in my life.

"Anna?  How are you doing?" she smiled.  
"This is just so fucked up." I managed to whisper, to which she laughed gently through her nose.  
"You're a mother now."

My eyes flicked to her sharply and I felt my brow crinkle in confusion.  I had spent nine months contemplating this moment, and years before that trying to get here, but now she had arrived and was on my chest, it felt very, very strange indeed.  Adelas, my  _daughter_ , lay on my breasts, looking around her.  First she looked at me, then her father, and then into the middle distance.  

"I thought they were supposed to scream when they came out?" I asked.  
"I wouldn't complain about that too much.  This one seems very relaxed indeed."

I could only respond with a contented hum.  A smile spread across my face; one of sheer exhaustion and sheer happiness.  A loving hand rested on my shoulder and I looked up to see Fenris beaming down at me.  I had seen him happy, I had seen him ecstatic, I had seen him relaxed, but I had never seen him quite this  _proud_.  Usually when he smiled, there was still a little part of him that was quietly concerned with what was going on around him.  Always thinking, always alert.  But now, here, there was no part of his face that wasn't lit up as he stared at his little girl.  His deep green eyes sang as the light danced around in them.  There was no other way of describing it but he seemed in awe of this tiny child, the deepest symbol of our unity.  Ruth broke the connection.

"Anna?  Fenris?  We need to talk about what you want to do with the cord."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, you can cut it now, or I can.  Or you can leave the placenta to come out in time by itself.  In which case, all the blood that has been going through it will slowly empty into the baby.  Up to you."  
"I don't know ... what do you suggest?"  
"You can try a feed if you like?  The afterbirth comes out with that, usually."  
"Urm, okay?"

I felt a shimmer of fear run through me fleetingly.  What if I couldn't do this?  After all that I had been through, even before the birth, why would I be afraid of this?  Surely it couldn't be that difficult.  Ruth took my little Adelas off of me briefly and laid her down on the bed next to me as I sat up.  Unwrapping her from the blanket we had placed around her, it was the first time that I saw her properly.  As soon as the cold air hit her, lIttle arms and legs were flailing about and she started squawking.  It wasn't really crying but she was very definitely making it known that she wasn't happy.  Ruth spoke softly to her but the tone of Adelas' voice was dominant, if a little shrill.  I felt a surge of pride and I felt a snicker lift the corner of my lips that my daughter, only minutes born into this world, was already kicking ass.  Soon she was wrapped up and I could see the purplish-blue cord hanging down between her legs.  

"Okay," Ruth said, helping me to hold her properly.  Placing my girl's head near to my breast, I tried to give her my nipple.  "It might take several goes but she's going to ... oh, there she goes.  Well, you can come again!"

With one swift movement, Adelas had lifted her mouth to latch on and started to suck.  I stopped breathing, hardly daring to believe it was true.  It was the oddest of feelings.  This tiny little mouth was latched onto me and pulling, sucking milk out of me as her little hands rested against the flesh of my breast.  It was at once so oddly natural and so unbelievable.  It felt as though it had always been.  I, the badass who had fought through the Blight to reach Kirkwall, only to rampage through that city and bring it to it's knees, and then blaze across Thedas bringing justice to mages and slaves everywhere; I was breastfeeding my child.  In a small room in the most fortified castle in one of the most hostile set of mountains, a small baby's mouth was doing what small babies had been doing since the dawn of time.  I smiled down at her as I tried to figure out how my life had gone from fighting to this.  Without thinking, the other arm that was not holding her, lifted up and I tenderly stroked her head.  Fenris stood very close by and gazed down with paternal pride and I beamed up at him.

After a while Adelas let go, only to start mewling at me.  Milky white liquid fell down her cheek.  Without thinking, I lifted her onto my shoulder.  She kept whining though and I immediately felt worried, seeking Ruth for reassurance.  Had I done something wrong?

"Isn't this what you're supposed to do?" I panicked.    
"She might want another feed, she might not have finished, she might have trapped gas.  Who knows with babies?  Trying patting her back a little to see if she will burp ... you can be a little firmer than that." she smiled as I attempted to do what she had suggested.  Within moments, a little pop of gas erupted from her mouth, but along came some milk as well.  "I guess she's full!" Ruth smiled as she wiped down my shoulder.  "Given birth, breastfed, and already been sicked on.  A demanding hour or so, eh?"

I smiled up at her.

"So when does this placenta thing come out?" I asked, a little perturbed that something else traumatic would happen to my body.  
"It's already out." she soothed.  "I don't know how but breastfeeding really does help to speed up the detachment with some women.  Looks like you're one of the special ones.  However, I do want you to drink something for me."

She handed me a small phial that swirled with an opaque liquid.  

"What is it?"  
"A healing potion.  You've gone through something brutal and you need fixing.  A little, anyway."

I took the phial and downed the creamy nectar that tasted of honey and lemon.  It kissed my throat and I could feel the warm tingle all the way down.  Parts that ached and cramped slowly unknotted and I felt myself relax.  Against all the agony of the past few hours, this elixir simply soothed me and I felt those places that stung simply knit themselves back together.  It was bliss.  Ruth took her again at one point to cut the cord that had joined Adelas to me.  I managed to take one look at the placenta; a small bag of wet filth that was the colour of red so dark it was almost black.  It seemed to splurge all over the pot that Ruth had put it in.  After years of fighting and dismembering people, I wasn't disgusted by it but it wasn't pleasant to look at either.  I had to remind myself that it had kept Adelas alive.  Tying a string tightly around the cord near to her stomach, and then making sure the cord was severed properly and safely, Ruth wrapped her up again and went to hand her back to me.  But I shook my head.

"Fenris?" I asked gently.  
"Yes?"  
"Would you like to hold her?"

If pride could turn to paternal fear, then his face displayed it quite rapidly.  But as soon as it surfaced, it disappeared and a strange kind of expectant hope took its place.  Silently he nodded his head.

"Draw the chair nearer." I suggested.

He did so immediately and sat down.  A look of nervousness was flashed to me but I could see the joy that was quickly pushing it out of the way.  Ruth took Adelas over to him and as she drew near, he held his arms out as he had seen me do.  Her head was very gently placed on the crook of his arm and softly he took the full weight of her.  As Ruth drew back, I could see the two of them simply stare at each other.  I watched his eyes sweep over her face.  He was bewitched.

" _Avanna, mia filia_." he whispered, happiness and emotion dragging his voice to a faltering stop.  

My heart was beating so hard within my chest that I could feel things begin to get the better of me.  Much as my hard shield of the warring rogue tried to assert herself, it just couldn't and tears once again formed.  I should have felt uncomfortable as a few fell down.  I had never really been one for outward expressions of grief, other than to funnel that passion into rage - but this was the birth of my child.  They slid down my cheek like velvet medals of honour as I saw Fenris gaze upon his daughter.  

Unsurprisingly I was feeling more than exhausted and I turned to lean against my pillow, moving to take up a more prone position and rearranging the pillows so I could lay on my side.  More importantly, I could see the two most important people in my life look at each other like they were meeting the other half to their souls.  I felt contentment pulse through me like the rushing beat of my blood.  It lit up my being.  I could have stared at them for hours.  But no, my body was not happy keeping my eyes open.  Slowly, my eyelids grew heavy and although I fought it, my eyes drifted shut and I fell asleep.

It was the soft hum of a Tevene lullaby that woke me eventually.   Knowing that this was something special, and feeling as if I would intrude should I wake properly and speak, I stayed still and listened.

" _Aves revertatur,  
Sequuntur nubibus _ _per caelum_ _,  
__Ad vesperam sole  
Abiit ad somnum.  
Nolite timere,  
__Adsum, o infantulum,_  
_Canere vos ad somnum._ "

Fenris sang with a deep, rich voice; soft enough to still the child that slept in his arms, but loud enough for me to wake and hear him.  I could not see where the singing was coming from but as I opened my eyes, I could see the room was darkened, apart from the light of day creaking around the heavy curtains.  Across the way he stood by one of those windows, picked out in relief against the dim light of our room.  The small bundle of cloth was still in his arms and I could see that he gazed at her as he would no other.  Already she was set apart.  In the privacy of our chambers, he was allowing himself to dream about their future together.  I knew how much he felt for her already for it was what I felt.  She was less than a day and she had complete control over us.

As I looked at Fenris cradling our child, he stood proudly with a straight back.  The song came to an end and I smiled to myself.  I would have moved to talk to him but he continued to speak to her.  Often he spoke with a voice etched in harsh pain, a legacy from his years as a slave.  His deep growl that sometimes erupted into a snarl was enough to suggest that there was more to Fenris than he chose to explain.  But here as he talked to his little girl, there was a softness that I had not heard.  It was the elven sound of trees, and mountain winds, and meadow streams, and birdsong.  He felt the words, rather than spoke them.

"There are so many things I will teach you, Adelas.  So much history is passing before our eyes.  There are things of great evil in the world that may break upon us and I will do my utmost to shield you from them.  I would already die for you, as would your mother.  Whatever comes to find us, I will protect you.  I am your father and ... "

Something stole the sound from his voice.  Something raw and guttural.  As I watched, he raised the hand that was not cradling our baby and brushed something from under his eye and then the other, and in a low voice he continued.

"... and I love you, so very much."

 


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Fenris receive visitors for the first time since the birth.

I put my hand down the side of the chair cushion and felt the steel blade that I had secreted there.  As I ran my thumb up the side of the metal, I felt a little safer.  The handle was tipped ready for me to pull out quickly and throw at anyone who dared bring trouble into this hallowed room.  A quick glance at Fenris' body told me that he had two blades hidden, and his sword laid oh-so-casually across the table behind him.  Not so obvious that it was the first thing that would be seen but if people looked over to where he stood, they would very definitely notice.

We were not taking any chances.

Gripping Adelas a little tighter, I nodded very slowly to Fenris.  He padded over to the door with the measured grace that I had seen him use when hunting.  There was virtually no sound.  Both of us were so tense for what was about to happen.  I had spent the morning feeding Adelas, changing her diabolical nappies, feeding her again, comforting her, letting Fenris have a cuddle, singing to her; but all the while at the back of my mind was the bitter metallic noise of anxiety.  She was a day old and Eleanor had requested an audience.  Both my husband and I had said straight away that we wanted to have the first day to ourselves which had been graciously respected.  Of course, we couldn't hold the outside world away forever.  Especially when our hosts had been so welcoming and supportive. 

He turned the handle and I heard the ominous click from the lock.  The world was about to invade our little idyll.  I heard the burst of effusive happiness shoot around the door before anything else, and I could almost hear the smile on her face.  Eleanor's face poked around the corner of the door and I saw her scout out the room before her eyes fell quickly on where I was sitting.  Immediately the sunshine simply shone through her eyes, the care and drama fell off her shoulders and she near bounced over to where we were.  Her hands were balled up next to her face and a high pitched squeal sounded out through her wide beam.  I noticed that Varric and Cullen had walked in as well.  Varric caught my eye and winked warmly at me, but his eyes dropped a little.  Cullen gave Fenris' hand a hearty shake and I heard him congratulate the new father.

"Anna, she's gooorgeous!  Oh, how precious!" was the babble as she dropped to her knees next to the armchair on which I sat, leaning nearer than I would have liked but she was already entranced.

I looked down at my ball of wonder, at her chubby round face, and smiled despite myself and my fear.  Adelas was indeed gorgeous.  We had wrapped her up in a shawl and her little fists were just poking out.  In her sleep, the tiny fingers, replete with tiny sharp fingernails, kept opening and closing as she dreamed.  Her beautiful little mouth was open slightly and she just looked adorable.  The other two walked over to have a look before Varric took a seat close to the fire and Cullen moved to stand back a little.

"She's right, Hawke.  Dribbles is lovely." shot out Varric from the fireside.

I grinned to myself that she should so quickly have gained a name from my oldest friend.

"You must be so proud!" Eleanor squawked.

As I glanced down at those bright eyes of the Inquisitor, who had fought through half the world trying to find and kill Corypheus, and was now nearing the end of her quest, I could just tell that she was just about to burst with happy charm.  The sparkle was almost asking if she could have a cuddle.  Knowing that I would have to let someone else other than Fenris hold her sooner or later, I shifted my position slightly to accommodate the sleeping baby and nodded my head at the other seats.  

"Just get me some coffee and take a seat."

Up she shot and ran over to a waiting table where there stood a steaming pot of coffee and a tray of cakes and biscuits, and some exotic fruit that the kitchens had managed to find.  I had found overnight that I was constantly hungry and thirsty but Ruth had assured me that this was absolutely normal.  Back sped Eleanor with a drink and after putting it on a little side table, zipped over to a nearby chair.  As I rose, there came a growl.

"Is this wise?" a quiet voice sounded next to my ear.  
"Fenris, it is the Inquisitor." I whispered back.  I understood his fear entirely but I was trying to remain rational.  "Out of anyone in the castle, who would be least likely to do anything?"

The growl softened but it was still there in the back of his throat.  He straightened but his arms were crossed and he fixed the young woman to the back of her chair with a fiercely unwavering glare.  Even the first woman of the State of the Inquisition looked a little nervous.  I couldn't blame him.  I was about to put the most precious element of our lives into the arms of someone else.  The same fervour would have been streaming out of my eyes too, and probably was.  Gently I stood up.  I was still unsure how to walk holding her but it was coming more naturally to me.  I just had to trust myself.  Shuffling the few steps across the carpet to where she sat wasn't easy.  Mostly because tension was building up in me and I couldn't control it.  Was this the mothering instinct I had heard so much about?  If it was, then why wasn't I happy about Eleanor?  She was like a puppy at the moment; so affably eager to please.

"Please be careful." I whispered as I softly lowered my soul into her waiting, caring arms.

I think she stopped breathing for a little moment.  Her eyes wandered over that sleeping face with the love and care of a doting aunt.  I had made it back to my chair and took the opportunity to drink my coffee.  Sitting back, I felt the Champion start to take over me.  I let her, in all honesty.  Staring at the woman who held my baby, I noticed the quick ruffle of her eyebrows that she tried to hide.  My keen eyes also saw that her fingers flexed a little before she turned to me with a beam.

"What's her name?" 

I turned to Fenris, asking the silent question.  He nodded once and returned to his wary observation of our daughter.  His shoulders were high and his knuckles were white.  He was not happy, even remotely.  I had wondered if he would be comfortable letting other people hold her, and I could almost feel the answer.  But we had discussed the names overnight and even though he wasn't as happy as he could be, he had the good grace to realise what we needed to do.  I turned back to the Inquisitor.

"Adelas Bethany Eleanor.  If that's okay with you, of course."

After a few seconds of stunned silence opened up into a longer silence, I could see the beginnings of tears forming on her eyes.  Cullen moved to place his hand on her shoulder in a tender display of support.  At his touch, she looked up adoringly.  Maternal instincts flared in me though as I saw the first winces of pain.  What was going on?  Slowly I moved forward on my chair, sidling forward ready to take Adelas off of her.  The tips of my fingers grazed the hidden knife.  Eleanor, our baby's namesake, turned back to me and smiled.

"I would be honoured if that was her name.  Truly.  Thank you from the bottom ... _argh!_ "

It was like an explosion had happened.  A blur sped past the side of me and before I knew it, Fenris had taken Adelas from Eleanor's arms.  The woman was clutching her hand, doubled over in pain.  I had moved forward on my chair, gripping the arms and staring at what was going on.  Clearly my body had not reacted as swiftly as it would have done before the birth.  Flicking my head to see where my husband was, I saw him skulking in the shadowy far corner of the room as he held Adelas fast to him, faint echoes of blue starting to swirl around his body.  It was almost demonic seeing the tendrils of liquid fire light up the shade.  My warrior heart was strengthened to see the primal display of protectiveness and quickly I turned back to the Inquisitor.  Cullen had dropped to her side, desperate to know if she was okay.

"What is going on?" I growled.  
"I don't know." she choked through clenched teeth.  Her face looked up at mine, apology riddled through her pain.  "I didn't do anything.  I swear!"  
"I trust you." It was quite obvious she hadn't.  "Fenris?  Is she okay?"

A silent nod of the head was all I received.  I was unlikely to get anything else until all had left.  Eleanor opened the palm of her hand and a green glow flooded the room.  I was pushed back into the folds of my chair by the brightness.  With an iron will, Eleanor gritted her teeth and brought the glow under control.  Slowly the vivid green haze receded with small bursts of fury back into her hand.  When it was all quiet, I saw the ingrained agony in her face.

"I'm sorry," she rushed, "I need to go.  Please forgive me."

Before I could ask any more, she had risen and left, already shedding tears on her way out.  Embarrassment screamed from her as she fled.  Cullen followed soon after, spewing further apologies.  I caught Varric's eye for an explanation but he simply shrugged, a puzzled look on his face also.  Looking over at the hulking beast in the corner, I spoke out to my friend.

"I think you need to go, Varric.  Fenris and I ..."  
"Say no more!" he said kindly, swinging his legs down from another chair and standing up.  "You and Broody need to make the room secure again for Dribbles.  I get it."

He left pretty quickly and I rose to lock the door behind him.  After making sure the room was impenetrable, I made my way over to my husband.  His eyes flickered up to even me with a barely concealed confusion.

"Fenris?" I asked, holding out my hand to try and sooth him.  The tips of my fingers lay on his arm and he flinched at the touch.  "Amatus, come back to me."  Slowly, inch by inch, I could see the muscles that had been so strained, start to relax.  "Let me take Adelas back from you."

With a steady grace, I moved forward and took my baby out of the arms of the father who would have killed anyone else who had come near him.  She had not even woken up and only now flickered her little hands in a tiny startled reaction, opening her beautiful, deep blue eyes to look around her.  I slunk down on to the side of the bed and stared at her.  She had remained totally oblivious to all the drama that had just unfolded.  There was a well of anxiety that I could feel deep within me, trembling my body and strangling the grip I had on the world.  What would become of Adelas if she couldn't even be held by the leader of the Inquisition?  A woman I would personally trust with my life.  Is this what being a mother meant?  Worrying about every little thing?

A soft bump signalled to me that Fenris had joined me on the bed.  My dulled eyes looked up to see that he stared through the floor.

"I would have killed her." the deep voice groaned.  "Has my life come to this?"  
"You were being the father I always knew you would be."  As I ran my hand over his cheek, he looked up at me with melancholy.  "At the first sign of trouble, you removed her from the fray and guarded her with your life."  
"The people in the room were not demons, or darkspawn, or anyone troublesome.  They were the Inquisitor and the head of her armies."  
"And Varric ..." I half-grinned, trying to cajole him out of his gloom.  The corners of his mouth did indeed lift up slightly, but fell quickly.  "We need to find out what happened, amatus, before we condemn ourselves or Eleanor."

A pregnant moment paused before it was interrupted by a plaintive little cry from the girl who had stayed oblivious to it all.  I was learning what cries meant what but at the moment, it was usually one of three things - and I was willing to bet I knew which one it was.  Passing her to Fenris, I manoeuvred myself back onto the bed and opened the dress that I had been wearing.  He handed her back to me and I put her to my breast.  Yep, I was right.  As soon as I was confident that she was attached properly, I turned back to my husband.

"After I have fed this one, I will leave her with you and go and find Eleanor.  She is likely crying into a corner by now.  It is unfair to let her think we blame her.  I doubt she had any clue what would have happened."  
"Agreed.  But I don't like you going."  
"Fenris, I have not left this room in days now.  I need some fresh air, for a start.  We also need to find out what happened.  I am more confident leaving her with you to protect her than _me_  even.  You are far more agile and deadly than I am at the moment.  I will be okay out there in Skyhold."  
"I do not like it, but I understand." he finally admitted though his deep drawl betrayed a lasting unease.

I looked down to where my daughter sucked at my breast and I ran my free hand over her head.  I loved her.  However that well of anxiety bubbled through my being, latently and quietly exploding pockets of self-doubt throughout my mind.  As I stared at her, I felt a world removed from the person I should be.  Adelas was the answer to all my questions, the solution to all my problems, and the key to my soul.

So why did I feel so wretched?


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke leaves the room to find Eleanor, but finds something infinitely more terrifying ...

It was a glorious sun that met my face as I emerged, blinking, into the world of Skyhold.  The noise was the same and the air felt as crisp against my skin.  The smells from the stables, the Herald's Rest, the building yard; they all mingled on the breeze that flew up to greet me.  I tasted them, smelled them, loved them.  A deep inhale filled my lungs and blew through my aching body.  It was the first time I had left the room in three or four days.  It may have been, I couldn't remember, though in all honesty I had lost count.  I had a little wonder back up in my room being guarded by the fiercest killer I had ever known.  She was wonderful and protected, but I still felt odd.  Everything outside seemed shinier and of deeper hues.  The sky was a little more azure, the mountains were a little taller and more majestic, the people of Skyhold a little more vivacious; yet somehow, the shadows also seemed a little deeper and the wind a little more restless.  I shook my head to clear my thoughts and carried on down the steps.

I was determined to find Eleanor.  Something had happened when holding Adelas.  There was no part of me that believed she had done it on purpose - the tears and profuse apologies were testament to that.  However, something had managed to draw the mark on her hand out into a bright furore.  It had to be figured out.  Could Solas offer some answers?  Once she had calmed down and been brought to reason, maybe she could even explain her reaction herself.

I descended into the upper courtyard.  It was noticeable that my body had gone through trauma.  And also strange that there was a whole stomach missing.  I was still round - a fact that had not been explained to me beforehand - but inside it felt like the bottom half of my stomach had been cut away.  Left vacant ready for my other internal organs to slop down into it, yet they didn't.  My head was also feeling a little light and I felt the stone rail all the way down, not quite sure of my footing.  Stopping at the bottom, I concentrated on breathing for a few moments.  This was more than embarrassing.  I had got used to the huge belly and had stopped caring about the looks I had got but this was just plain odd.  I had expected my body to revert back straight away to how it had been.  Clearly I was wrong.

"Champion!" a bright voice called from near the door of the Herald's Rest.  I look over to see the wide eyes of Scout Harding drawing ever closer as she bounded over.  
"Hello, Lace.  How are you?" I forced myself to grin.  I liked the woman but my head was swirling a little.  
"Forget me!" she enthused.  "I hear it's a girl!  Congratulations!"   
"Thank you," I smiled, "that's kind of you."  
"How is she?"  
"Very small and wrinkly."  I replied to which Lace's nose rumpled slightly.  
"But beautiful?" came the confused response.  
"Of course." I soothed.  "I'm trying to find the Inquisitor.  Have you seen her?"  
"Yeah, sure.  She ran quickly through the yard about five minutes ago.  Went into the main building."  
"Thank you.  I have to go and find her."  
"No worries.  Hope to see you soon.  And congratulations again!"

A smile widened my mouth as I turned to walk off.  Between where she had stood and the bottom of the steps leading up to the Great Hall, at least five people either stopped me or shouted congratulations.  It was more than lovely and I felt wonderful, and very grateful, but I also needed to reach Eleanor.  I could tell people were happy and joining in the general benevolence, but they were hindering me.  I was also more than that which I could push out of my vagina.  A polite smile and lifting of my hand was all they were getting by the time I was walking up the steps.  At the top, my breath was coming in shallow drafts.  Slowly, slowly, my feet were forced one in front of another.  Maybe I had pushed myself too far, too soon.  Surely it wasn't too troublesome walking up and down some steps.  However, the lack of energy that I now felt suggested otherwise.  I cursed my body for being weak.

"Hawke!" came another cry.  If I hadn't recognised the deep and impish tones, I would have growled at them.  Looking up, I could see Varric booting a chair away a little from one he was sitting on.   _Maker, bless him_.  Gladly I wandered over and plonked myself down with a groan.  My eyes drifted shut as I tried to reclaim my breathing.  Patiently he waited.  When eventually I opened them again, he was watching with the sparkling eyes of someone who was studying and calmly waiting for an opportunity.  It got too much.

"What?" came the grumble.  
"I love the fact that you're trying to act like you haven't just pushed something from your body." he grinned as he leaned over and handed me a glass of wine.  It was drained in one and returned as quickly.  With a chuckle, he grabbed a carafe from the table and poured me another.  
"Pardon me?"  
"Stomping in here and pushing through crowds is what you used to do, and you always had the same look on your face.  Determined, like you were going to kick their knees backwards.  You just had the same look but you just couldn't pull it off."  
"I have just forcibly ejected a person from my body, Varric.  Give me chance!"  
"Which makes you more terrifying.  In my humble opinion."  
"Congratulations, Messera Hawke!" came another cry from a passer-by.

I raised my goblet at the maid who was scurrying along through to further corridors.  Holding the glass up, and slumped down in the chair in the way I was, I realised that it probably wasn't the image I wanted to portray.  Sitting up, I put the wine down on the table.  I was smart, and in control, and not a fucking mess.

"Varric, have you seen Eleanor?  I need to make sure she's okay."  
"She disappeared into her chambers straight away.  She hasn't emerged."  
"Cullen with her?"  
"Yep."

We both fell silent and I took the opportunity to look around me.  The long, low tables were set with food and wine as usual, and also as usual various dignitaries and diplomats were making use of them.  They grew together in packs of twos and threes, some sitting, some standing, but they filled the spaces so easily.  The masks and fine tailoring of the Orlesian Empire make me feel a little uneasy.  Everywhere I looked, hidden eyes looked back at me from behind gilded veneers.  I hated The Game, and I hated the fucking fashions from that country.  Not being able to see what people were thinking, not being able to see the looks on their faces; that was intolerable, and put me greatly at ill-ease.  I found myself leaning on my hand and watching, waiting, to see what they did.  Whispers and deals passed between them, like the songs of lovers.  Polite laughter masked grave ambitions.  I hated it.  With a wrench, I turned my eyes away.  I could feel the revulsion at their political maneouvring curdle my insides.  I longed to run to Fenris, longed to pick up my knives, longed to run back to Kirkwall, even.  Where it was simple.  Where I could solve problems by knocking heads together, and opening up people's insides.  It was, perhaps, the wrong time for Varric to start talking.

"Hawke?"  
"What?" I snapped, flashing my eyes over to him.  Immediately the look of the Champion pinned him to the back of his seat.  
"Okay, simmer down there, Champ." he said hastily, raising his palms to placate me.

With a great control of my emotions, I hauled back the seething waves that were rapidly building.  They petered out but were still swirling, still writhing within me, but just waiting.

"Now, we're old, old friends, right?"  
"Yes." I replied warily.

He fell silent.  His face grew strangely serious for a moment.  I studied him but I knew this wasn't usual.  Even his usual bullshitting was transparent enough for me.  I could tell when he was covering up some great plot, or some fear he had.  Vivacious and charismatic - that was how he wanted to come across.  He had a role he liked to play and he stuck to it.  But this was different.  This was serious.  I remembered earlier in my chambers when he had come to visit.  There had been an air of unhappiness then too.

"Varric," I asked, "what is it?"  
"Now, this is likely to get me thrown out of the Inquisition but I have to tell you ..."  
"You're starting to scare me now."  
"There's a little ... intrigue regarding ..."

I sat forward on my chair, gripping the arms tightly.  My heart started to race.

"Regarding?" came the growl.  
"Adelas."

There it was.  Some demon had reached into my soul and grasped it tightly, choking the life out of it.  My throat constricted.

"What do you mean, 'intrigue'?"  
"Leliana knows more, of course.  But my network has heard some things as well."  
"What things, Varric?  What things!?"  
"There seems to be a plot that wants to take her ... away, somehow."

My legs straightened and lifted me out of my seat.  I couldn't think straight.  This was a nightmare, sent from the Void itself.  Varric shot out of his seat as well, grabbing a hold of my hand.  Something he never did.  Instantly I pulled it back like it had touched a storm of fire.

"Hawke, before you go racing off tearing up the world again, please talk to Eleanor.  Find out what she knows."  
"Why didn't she want to tell me?" I roared.  Several of those nearby turned to see what the disturbance was but backed off sharply when they saw who they were dealing with.  
"Why do you think?" he spluttered.  "Because you're a fearsome warrior who's just had a baby.  Who in the world in more likely to tear ass around the world, breaking open faces and killing people to try and protect the thing you love the most?  You're the fucking Champion of Kirkwall and you're not thinking straight.  Fucked if I'm going to stand in your way when you're like this."    
"I need more information.  I need to know if my baby is ... "  Tears caught in my throat and wrenched my voice out of my control.  "If my baby is in danger."  
"Then talk to the Inquisitor.  Hell, talk to Leliana if you must.  I only told you because it was killing me not telling you.  You're an old friend.  I didn't want you to think I was hiding anything from you."

Without thinking, or saying goodbye, or even realising the enormity of what he had just done by opposing what presumably was an order, I turned and stalked through the crowds towards the door that led to Eleanor's chambers.  Predictably, the two guards that stood sentinel moved as one to block my way.

"I need to see her." I told them, glaring.    
"Nobody can just walk in.  It doesn't matter who they are."  
"Well then, can one of you go and ask for an audience before I start caving the walls in?"  
"You can wait ..."  
"I AM THE CHAMPION OF FUCKING KIRKWALL!  GO AND SEE THE FUCKING INQUISITOR!   _NOW!_ "

The words rang around the bare stone walls of the Great Hall.  An awkward silence settled and I could hear those gathered that were nearest shuffle uncomfortably.  It wasn't long before the whispers started up again and had soon gathered more momentum than before.

"Gentlemen, it's okay." a familiar voice said, appearing at my arm.  I looked sharply to see Leliana standing nearby.  Had she been in the hall the whole time?  How did she have the tenacity to just appear?  "Go and ask the Inquisitor for an audience.  Directly."

One disappeared through the doorway, only for the other to block the way entirely.  He gripped his spear even tighter and fixed us with a deathly stare.

"Leliana ..." I started before the words died on my tongue.  
"Here is not the place but have no fear that you are not in immediate danger, nor is Adelas."  
"So you knew?"  
"Yes."  
"And how long have you known?"  
"Will that make you feel better?  To know how long we have hidden the truth from you?"  
"Is it long?"  
"No."  
"Please ..." I mewled, feeling helpless beyond distraction.  My arms drooped to the side and I felt the weight of emotions I had been carrying just fall through me.  Everything just felt heavy.  
"A month." came the plain response.

I simply did not know what to do.  At once, I felt heavy and drained, but also full of a power and desire that I had not known before.  The simple need to hold my little girl, to know she was okay.  She was back in the room with her father and I needed her.  But this trumped my need.  This was more serious than that.  If there was a threat to her, I had to find it out.  Was it connected to the reaction Eleanor had had earlier?  Was she a part of it?  Surely not for she had run before doing Adelas harm.

The door to her apartments opened once more.  Moving through to face us with a stern look, the guard peered out from underneath the metal helmet.  Fixing us with the glare only someone ordered to protect could give, he spoke in a deep voice that was full of warning.  

"You may go up."


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke, Eleanor and Cullen have a talk about Adelas, and what happened in Hawke's chambers.

With each step that took me higher and higher, my mind became fluid, then clogged, before splurging into ephemera again.  It ran with molten poison, yet forgave with every footfall.  The wooden rail rasped against my fingers as I trod upon the board of the next step.  

What would I say to her?  Really, what would I say?  I had to figure out where my mind even was before I spoke to the leader of the Inquisition.  Was she angry with me?  Was she upset?  So many questions plagued me that my mind swam with endless uncertainty and emotion.  I was certainly angry; angry that I had been denied information.  Two separate spy networks had reported intelligence that Adelas was in danger.  I was her  _mother_.  How dare they not inform me!  But Eleanor had been beyond mortified when her mark had erupted.  Instead of hurting Adelas, she had run from putting her in danger.  The health and safety of my little baby, my beautiful daughter, wasn't in question.  It was obvious that the main leaders wanted to keep her, and me, safe.  So why was I mad?  I knew why, of course.  My pride.  It crept around my soul like a predator; destroying what little bits of meat it could before retreating back to the shadows.  I warred against it, yet warred with it.  It had gained me my reputation in Kirkwall, and as such had garnered me with a safe haven within Skyhold.  I had refused to let anyone mistreat me, or my family, or my friends, and I certainly was not about to be looked down on.  And that's what it felt like now.  That I wasn't important enough to be involved.  

Not important _enough_.  

I was obsolete.  An remnant of the past glories of Kirkwall.  Meredith Stannard had been my crowning moment.  I had blazed a trail across Thedas after that, but ultimately I had never wielded the power I had used in that city.  I could have been Viscountess of a city of the Free Marches; a Queen, almost.  And now?  Reduced to a sideroom, a wizened old woman that they turned to for advice but ran off for adventures without me.  I was still useful in what information I could offer, had an enviable network of contacts spread throughout the major cities in the world, but I was not part of their crowd.  Not needed any more.  Was that the emotion that I felt?  Uselessness?  Sadness?  Frustration?  Anger was bubbling away behind all of it, like a festering sore that refused to die down.

Pausing a moment to look further upwards into the tower, the compassionate side of me broke through.  What would Eleanor be feeling?  It was so hard being the leader that everyone turned to.  She had been so pleased to forget the toils and troubles of her position, and just lose herself in the joy of having a new baby to hold.  Even if it was for a few moments, that simple pleasure of gazing upon a face so new and pure, so untouched by the evils of the world, was her escape.  A brief rest from the hard,  _hard_ work of leading the Inquisition.  I got it, I understood.

So when I reached the landing outside of her bedroom door, I was no less certain of what I would say than when I started the ascent.  The pads of my fingers rested for a moment on the cold metal of the door handle, more so I could compose myself before entering.  I was pretty sure that the words would fly out of my mouth unbidden when I saw her.  Past experience told me that I had less tact than I liked to believe of myself.

The handle went down and the door swung open.   _Another fucking set of stairs!_  I bitched to myself.  The loss of mobility and stamina was noticeable and I was more than embarrassed.  Slowly, oh so fucking slowly, I ascended this last set of wooden torture devices.  I could hear soft whispers of a deep and masculine timbre.  It was warm and reassuring, but too low to make out anything.  Finally my head broke the level of the floor and I looked to where she was.  She sat on the edge of the bed with her back towards me, shoulders hunched over and head bent down.  Cullen sat on a chair that he had dragged over.  He leant forward, tenderly holding the ends of her fingers and whispering gently to her.  Immediately I felt a trill of panic break the surface within me.  This was Eleanor, not the Inquisitor.  The Inquisitor would have received me, possibly standing, with a straight face and a formal greeting.  This was not the empowered woman I had come to expect.  This _girl_ cowered in the corner, full of fear and self-hatred.  

I stopped at the top and waited, hardly daring to breath, let alone say anything.  Cullen locked eyes with me first and sat back, a deep breath exhaled through the nose whilst he glanced nervously at his love.  Eleanor's shoulders rose and fell as she heaved a sigh, still staring at the floor.

"I would not blame you if you hated me, Hawke." came the broken voice.  
"I do not hate you."  
"You should."  
"Why?"

She glanced up to Cullen who stared intently back.  Silent conversations, the trick of partners so intimate there are no need for words, flew between the two.  Eleanor turned to face me.  Her face was a mottled canvas of pink, patchy skin.  Eyes so red and watery, it looked as though tears had flowed for days.  In her hands, she grasped a handkerchief that even now she ran over her eyes to catch the crying.

"I almost destroyed your baby."  
"Yet you didn't." I said, trying to stay calm.  
"The mark may have claimed her soul."  
"Yet it didn't."  
"That mark has stolen demons from this realm, returned all manner of evil to that place beyond the Veil, and still you do not come to claim my life?  I held your child and my hand erupted!"  
"Did you choose to, then?" I asked, finally moving my feet forward.  "Did that mark activate because you willed it to do so?  No." I remarked crisply.  "At least I hope not?" I caught myself.  My forehead crinkled slightly unintentionally and announced my misgivings to the room.  
"Of course not." Eleanor replied as her voice fell.  She sniffed and wiped her eyes again.  
"Then there is a puzzle to solve." came the gentle words from my mouth.  "Nothing more."

Who was this new Hawke?  I certainly didn't recognise her.  She was some softer version of me, born from another time perhaps.  Maybe I had changed after being in the Fade so many times.  Or maybe the answer was more simple than that.  With a slight tilt of the head, I silently asked Cullen if I could move forward.  With a glance towards the Inquisitor, he nodded.  I moved toward her slowly and stopped at the foot of the bed, grasping onto the footboard for support.  I waited for her to speak.

"When you put her in my arms, my hand felt immediately very hot.  I thought it might be Adelas herself so I paid it no attention.  But the pain intensified.  I have become used to it but this was different.  It was fusing into my thoughts, speaking to me.  The voices that I usually hear were shouting, not whispering maliciously.  A male's voice was screaming over them but I could not hear what he said.  The mark gathered in heat, in pain, and I couldn't ... couldn't ..."

Her breath came in short and ragged, and her eyes stared off wildly into the middle distance.  Pain etched more creases into the folds of her face and I wanted to soothe her.  

"Fenris took Adelas from me, before the screams burst through and my mind turned to ash.  All I could see was white pain.  I'm so sorry, Hawke.  So very sorry ..."

She collapsed forwards into her hands again.  Quickly Cullen moved forward to sit on the bed next to her, his arm wrapped swiftly and protectively around her shoulders.  My heart simply cried out to her.  The pain that the woman was in was so intense and inescapable.  After a while the sobs became less and she eventually became quiet, sniffing and wiping away unseen tears.  I moved to take up the vacated chair but tactfully moved it back from the intimate proximity he had chosen.  She sat up but could not bring herself to look at me.

"With regards to the intelligence report that we ..."  
"Eleanor ..." Cullen interrupted with, a warning edge hardening the edge of her name.  All he received was a stare from the Inquisitor.  
"I could hear your voice carrying up the stairs.  I guessed what you had found out.  Varric?" she asked, looking at me through the tops of her eyes.  
"You know I'm not going to answer that." I smiled devilishly.  
"No matter.  Anyway, we had a report that there was a plan brewing in Val Royeaux to take the baby away."

I sat back in the chair, anxious to portray that I was calm but probably not managing it at all.

"Take away how?" came the strangled voice.  "Kill?  Kidnap?"  
"It wasn't specified."   _You lie, Eleanor._  
"Tell me." She sighed through the nose in defeat as I stared at her.  
"Honestly?  Kill."

My throat constricted.  Blood rushed next to my ear.  There was no thinking even remotely straight.

"You have no idea how hard Leliana has been working to find the source of this infernal scheme.  We have managed to trace it to the two Orlesian nobles that we sent home."  
"Those  _assholes!?_  Why them?"  
"We bloodied their nose, most likely." Cullen spoke.  "Sent them home in disgrace.  They mouthed off at the wrong party and the gossip found it's way back to us."  
"Not even the players of The Game are stupid enough to crow about killing the Champion of Kirkwall's baby, surely?" I cried.  
"It matters not.  They finally were tracked down, and shown the full power of the Inquisition's method of reasoning."

A keen desire that begged me to believe her surged through her as she lifted her eyes to stare at me through tear-laden lashes.  Water began to bead in my own eyes that Adelas was so protected, yet so in danger.

"Is she safe?" I begged.  My voice broke as I asked it but by the Maker, I needed to know.  
"Our agents in Val Royeaux report that they are ... pious of late."  
"That's not the same thing, Eleanor." I whispered.  
"We keep hearing reports of the same plot.  Only three or four times, mind, but you can see we keep an especially close ear to the ground.  Have you not noticed the increase in guards around your apartments?"  
"No." came the guilty reply.  
"Or the eyes that have followed you wherever you have been in the castle?  We have watched you like, well, like a hawk."  
"I appreciate that.  I had no idea."

Eleanor sat back and ran her hands through her hair to scrape it back from her face.

"Your body showed signs of something horribly nasty towards the end of your pregnancy.  By then, I was having daily reports.  Ruth was concerned, to say the least.  She said it would be exacerbated by stress.  Possibly leading to Adelas not making it.  Guess when the reports started coming in?"  
"You have my attention." I smiled mournfully.  
"There was no way I could tell you of any plan.  I did not mention it to Fenris either, as he would be duty bound to tell you.  Instead I threw everything at trying to secure your family."  
"And we are now secure?"  
"Leliana reports that there is no reason to believe that you are in danger, nor is Adelas, nor is Fenris."  
"Then why is there fear behind your eyes?"  
"It is not fear, simply exhaustion.  To top everything off, I have been trying to organise an assault on a stronghold in the South.  We think Corypheus is there.  In some elven temple."  
"You have tracked him down!?"  
"We know where he is heading.  There is a difference." Cullen interjected with.  As I looked at him, I could see he regarded Eleanor with the compassion he longed to lavish on her, to make sure she could be taken away from the mess in which she found herself.

Leaning back on her hands, Eleanor fixed me with a heartbreaking look.

"You named your child after me." she chuckled forlornly as fresh tears fell down her cheeks.  "And I cannot guarantee her safety."  A hand came up and she brushed some away with the heel of her hand.  "I lead a state whose influence stretches across many countries, I lead armies that take strongholds with a quick stroke that were previously feared impenetrable, I count among my allies Kings and Empresses, _I can close rifts into the fucking Fade,_ yet I cannot look after a tiny baby."

I may have been choked by emotion but as she closed her eyes to cry real tears again, even I could fail to see that she was breaking apart at the seams. 

"Eleanor Trevelyan, you listen to me." I stated firmly.  "Adelas is lucky to have you as her namesake.  You have worked tirelessly, beyond what any normal human can endure, to make sure that I can cuddle her tonight.  Do you even know what a privilege that is?  That baby is lucky to have you, is lucky to have anyone at this citadel.  You have done far more than even her own parents have done.  What other child has had the luxury of living in so fortified a home?"  
"There is one other, and I'm sure the mother would not agree.  She does not need us, apparently." Eleanor explained, a wry smile lifting her lips a little.  
"Ah, yes.  Her."    
"But having a stone fortress around you does not protect from this ..."

Eleanor held up the hand that bore the mark.  I stared at it and felt numb.  She was right.  There was still no explanation as to what had happened, and until there was a reason, there was no way we could protect against it.

"I will have Solas investigate it as well.  You have no fear that we will understand it before too long."

A nod was all I could imagine.  I had managed to convince myself that we were safe, surrounded by guards and walls and politics, but as I looked on the scar that glittered with green malice, the heaviness started again.  From my feet, working all the way my legs, until my heart was pounding in my chest.  As long as Adelas was around Eleanor, there was the potential for harm.  It had happened once, it would happen again.  For all the sense I had talked myself into, the irrationality was slicing into me.  Once in me, there was no getting rid of it.  I needed to leave.  It exploded inside me.  Whirling up, and up, and up until it burst into my mind.

"Once you have Solas and some answers, come and find me please." I spat, half strangulated, half reasoned.  I rose from my chair and I felt my arms trembling.  An overwhelming need to hold my baby was dominating me.  "I'm going to return to her now.  Thank you for everything you have done, and are continuing to do."

My eyes could not focus as I walked towards the stairs.  Sheer will stopped me running.  I could not let the two of them see just how broken this was making me.  I had brought myself to a place where outwardly I looked in control, but inside I was dissolving.  Down the stairs on unsteady legs.  Through a forest of drones that littered the Great Hall.  Barely registering calls of my name.  Across the courtyard.  Up the stairs.  Into our room.  Blood rushing, pounding.   _Whum, whum, whum_...

"Anna?"

The walls of my vision closed in as I saw her.  A small bundle of cloth that was in her father's arms.  Without even asking, I lifted her from him.  Relief flooded me and I just felt better knowing she was okay.  Carefully, I retreated to the bed.  Laying her down in the middle, I crawled next to her and lay with my arm curled round her, my legs coming up.  If I could have enveloped her with my very being I would have done. 

"What has happened?" Fenris asked warily.

Adelas had been asleep but with the shock of being moved, had woken up.  Her arms, those wonderful spindly things, had been poking out of the blanket that was wrapped around her and she had jerked awake.  A scrawny cry arose and her fingers clawed at the air.  I wrapped her nearer to me and immediately she sought out my breast.  Quickly I sat up and removed my top before settling back down to feed her.  As she latched on, I stroked her head, wondering at how anyone so far removed from me could seek out the destruction of this creature blessed by the Maker.  Her suckling was strong and I felt the milk run down into her.  The disparity was almost killing me.  This moment right here was so happily normal of the first few halcyon days after a baby was born.  Yet there were those that plotted to kill her.  

"Oh amatus.  How do I even begin to tell you?"


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is left alone when Fenris is ordered off to battle.

He couldn't even look at me.

As we stood there in the upper courtyard, waiting for the signal for the Inquisition forces to move out, Fenris' eyes remained glued to the ground.  His jaw quivered as he clenched it, biting back the anger that riddled him.  He stood with the first wave to go, Eleanor's personal guard, but she was yet to arrive.  Last minute details being discussed, no doubt.  Harding's scouting vanguard had already left but they had gone yesterday, taking Cassandra and others with them.  I wished I could have gone along, and fought like the old days.  Fighting against the forces that _I_ had unleashed on the world.  Guilt washed over me but by now it had become as commonplace as water falling over rocks.  They were to attempt an assault on a location in the Arbor Wilds.  There had been rumours circulating that it was a holy place, possibly ancient.  If it was Corypheus, and he wanted it, then it had to be powerful indeed.  That power and desire to capture whatever was his quarry dictated the amount of force that Eleanor had to take with her.  As I looked around the courtyard at the amount of people gathered, my mind wandered over the logistics of moving such a vast group - and this wasn't even a fifth.  The rest would meet this army there.  Mages stood waiting to transport those that were waiting.

I stood less than ten metres away from Fenris amongst castle staff that were not involved, watching to see if he would look at us.  Adelas was wrapped tight to my chest.  Swaddled in warm, woollen clothes and then placed into a fur-lined harness that sat strapped to my front, my big coat wasn't wrapped around us but hung on my shoulders ready to envelop her.  It may have been Cloudreach, and the air was starting to warm up, but it was still the Frostbacks and the weather could change quite quickly.  I knew she was warm enough.  She slept quite soundly but suddenly snorted in her sleep, her fingers flexing momentarily.  A kiss and a gentle rub of her head settled her again.  I sighed deeply as I stared at the top of her, but not with contentment.  This was with a deep sense of unease that was only heightened when I once more looked up at her father.

Fenris had been invited to the Josephine's office yesterday where it had been politely requested of him that he accompany them on the mission.  I couldn't blame them for wanting to take him along.  He had always been, and always would be, a fighter of excellent ability and passion.  But he was a new father, his baby less than a week old.  Could they not find someone else?  My heart had almost broken when he had told me that he had accepted.  Under duress maybe, as they knew his circumstances, hence the personal request from Eleanor and not just a summons.  I had begged him to reconsider, implored him to say no, but after the waves of tears had softened, I saw the sense.  My rational head cleared the melancholy and I knew, under the heavy heart, that someone from our little family had to go.

"I gladly go in your place, amata.  Corypheus had been your quest but you have a greater one now." had been the soft words that had won me over.    

But as we stood in the cold light of a weak sun, with my heart I took back that rationality.  Would I see him again?  Would I ever hold him again?  Would he ever hold his daughter again?  This was to be a violent and epic battle, by all accounts, and likely to result in many deaths.  But would one of those be his?  The preparations this morning in our chambers had been silent.  I had helped him into his armour without saying a word.  It was a dance that we had performed many a time.  However in those moments, back in Kirkwall or across the wider world of Thedas, words had chattered between us as we virulently discussed what was to be done.  Now the solemnity of what we could lose weighed upon us and no words would do.  Before we had been together - I could protect him - but my body was nowhere near ready to fight.  It would be many months before I would consider going into battle.  Silently we left the room and emerged into the waiting day.

Activity at the top of the grand stone stairs lifted everyone's face and I followed suit.  Eleanor marched regally down, flanked by Cullen, Solas, Morrigan and Iron Bull.  She stopped on the intermediate landing and gazed over us all.  Silence cut through the noise as voices died down and everyone waited to see what she would say.  My eyes saw Fenris slowly lift his chin and look up at her.

"Forces of Skyhold," cried the stirring voice, "we move to fight our fiercest enemy.  Corypheus - the being that destroyed Haven, and all those whom we could not save - moves to seek out some infernal treasure.  If he reaches it, he will gain more power than we can possibly hope to overcome.  It is imperative that we do not let this happen.  I fight alongside you as you are my brothers, my sisters, my friends.  We will be victorious today.  Let us move out!"

Her face was serious as she stomped down the remaining set of steps.  Upon reaching her group that contained my husband, she talked quickly with them as they gathered around, listening intently.  I couldn't hear them properly as calls to form up and get ready were now echoing around the space we were in.  The din of a massive fighting force making preparations to leave were making it impossible to listen.  There was a constant stream of people running around which made reading her lips impossible as well.  She finished her talk and I watched as those around her fired questions at her.  Answering them as best she could, they seemed satisfied, heads nodding with sage understanding.  

Fenris spoke to her, his shoulders heavy and low.  Eleanor glanced over at me and soberly nodded her head.  My legs felt like lead as I watched Fenris turn and walk towards me.  This was it, I knew it.  This would be 'the talk', the last words we would say to each other.  I would not allow myself to cry as I would be strong for him, but damn how I wanted to.

"Amata, we leave." the deep voice rumbled.  
"Fenris, you are not allowed to die."  
"So commands the Champion of Kirkwall?" he said as a sadness lifted his lip into a dejected half-smile.  
"No.  So commands your wife."

His lips pursed as he looked over both of us.  A fatherly hand ran over the top of his daughter's head and he bent to kiss her, lingering longer than he normally would have done.  With a deep sigh through his nose, he looked up to me and, keeping my eyes held, took my hand and placed something small and soft into it.  

"Do not look at this until I am gone.  I beg of you."  
"Of course." I whispered.

His deep green eyes stared at me, breaking my soul and pulling at my heart.  I placed his gift into a pocket and my fingers sought his face.  For a moment, there was silence before he softly leaned forward to kiss me.  Tender were his lips and loving were his fingers that stroked my cheek.  It was over too quickly, but maybe that was only how it felt to me.  Without saying anything, he released me, turned and walked back to where Eleanor waited for him.  She greeted him with a grateful yet serious smile that conveyed she knew what he was giving up by joining her.  A nod to a nearby soldier caused him to bark out orders for those not travelling to stand back.  I looked to my husband as the ground beneath began to heave and roil with purple and blue lights.  Faster and faster it moved before rising off the floor and circling them, encasing them in a magical aura that would soon have them flying through the air towards the Arbor Wilds.  Fenris' face was as stoic as it had ever been but I, his wife and the person who knew him best, could see the tension in his neck and could see the desperation in his eyes.  All the signs showed his anguish and as the magic started to obscure my view of him, my heart raced with the spots of arcane light that wove around them, spinning faster and faster.  I kept his gaze for as long as I could until all of a sudden, he was no longer there.  Shimmers in the air broke the view to the people behind where they had just been, announcing they had gone.  I blinked for a moment to make sure and then turned to look around to where to go next.  I was determined that I would not break but I would have to keep busy.  He had gone before on sorties but this just felt  _different_ somehow.  A trill of anxiety rifled up my back and made me shiver.

My eyes fell upon the Herald's Rest and I decided to grab some food to make myself feel better.  I tried to make my way inconspicuously around the crowds that were disappearing now the Inquisitor had teleported away.  Somehow I just knew that my ever-present guards were around and would just follow.  It was still hectic and having Adelas attached to me made me all too aware of those who wielded weapons and magicks.  Several times as I walked behind the crowds, covering her head and getting ready to push people away, my maternal instincts on keeping her safe were exploding inside me and spiking my fighting impulses.  By the time we broached the inn, I was more than glad to push everything away.  I took a table in the corner and carefully sat down, keen not to wake my sleeping princess.  I removed my coat and lay it on the bench next to me.  I took off the cap that had kept her head warm and loosened the clothes a little.  A servant soon scuttled over and took my order for some broth and a chunk of bread, and a hot cup of coffee.  Sitting back on the high wooden bench, I shut my eyes and exhaled slowly.  I wanted the stress of the day to leech away but it wouldn't; it clung to my insides like curdling mud.

"I too know what it is like to be alone."

My eyes flicked up to see Cole sitting sideways on the bench, his back to the wall.  Nervously he played with his fingers and stared into the distance.  Warily I watched him as he continued.  

"But he is always with you.  He is here, and she is here, and there.  Inside, always inside."  
"Are you talking about Adelas, Cole?"  
"In many ways, I am.  She is special, so very special.  And he is, to you.  Isn't he?"

His watery grey eyes looked up at me.  There was so much dark light there, a diamond intelligence that wanted to be understood yet couldn't be communicated.  Thoughts flew across his eyes like leaves in a hurricane and he sought to grasp onto all of them, at once.  Slowly he allowed himself to look at Adelas, only to glance away as if in pain.

"He is special to me, yes."  
"He is a prisoner to you, trapped inside you forever."  
"Cole, are you talking about ... Fenris?"  I was concerned as to who his mind ran to thinking of.    
"No, no.  The child inside the child."

...  _mata_...

"Is he safe?"  Why would Cole mention him?  I swallowed against a suddenly dry throat.  
"He is.  He will never be restful.  Always searching, keeping her safe.  She is lit from within by the Fade.  A beacon of hope and of power.  She repels the Fade yet it is drawn to her.  They will come but will fall upon empty shores."  
"Who will come?" I asked desperately.  With this and the news from the Inquisitor, the sheer weight and responsibility trembled somewhere in my mind, lurking. threatening.  
"It is not yet known."

The bubble of tension was burst as a bowl of steaming hot broth was placed in front of me, along with a cup and a plate of bread and butter.  My face jerked up to see who it was but fell to see the servant who had taken my order.  She smiled before looking at the sleeping babe.

"Champion, if I may?"  I nodded.  "She is very precious, and beautiful."  
"Thank you." was all of the gracious reply I could manage.

With a polite bob of the head, she turned and melted away into the crowd.  Turning back to Cole, there was only the empty space where he had been sat.  I turned to look out of the window and tried to order my thoughts, absently tapping the table.  Fenris had just left me with the possibility of not returning, the Inquisitor herself had told me of a plot to kill the baby who nestled snug and warm against my chest, and now Cole - a being of such strange and infinite complexity - had just told me that unknown enemies would seek her out.  Quivering lips let out a breath so laden with concern that it was hard to keep calm.

Just then I remembered the gift that Fenris had given to me.  Pulling my coat over, I quickly found the pocket and delved in to wrap my fingers around something cloth-like.  Immediately my eyes shut and my cheeks grew hot with foreboding.  It couldn't be, surely it couldn't be what I hoped it wasn't.  Slowly, slowly, I removed my fist that clenched around this precious gift.  I prayed to the Maker that when I turned over, it wouldn't be what I thought it was.

It was.

A scarlet strip of cloth that I had tied to his wrist those many years ago.  This was my declaration to him that I was his, always.  A dry sob escaped my silent mouth as a well of dread broke through my eyes.  Tears came pouring out of me and I clutched that scarf to my face, covering myself as I wept into it.  It even smelled of him.  What was he telling me with this gift?  I had lost him once, only to have him restored.  That had near broke me.  Over all the years we had fought together, I had always known he would return.  But this?  With this gift?  I knew what he was saying.

He was saying goodbye.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke receives a welcome visitor who gives her the chance to have a rest.

So, he was gone.  Okay.  Wow.  I had to deal with this.  

Alone in the bedroom I sat and thought through all the events of the past day.  Fenris had been taken off to battle under the order of the Inquisitor and had left his wife and week-old baby behind.  That had been this morning.  And then that ... episode in the Herald's Rest, and what I had discovered.  Dull blue eyes lifted to stare at the fire that kindled in the hearth in our chambers.  The afternoon was bringing with it the promise of bright sunshine.  Not that I could enjoy it.  Adelas seemed determined to attach herself firmly to my breasts, and was not even allowing me to go anywhere, even to the bathroom without shouting for me to return.  With the blessing of the Maker I had managed to feed her and get her to sleep, before laying her down gently in the wooden cot that stood next to our bed.  I should have gone to sleep but all the events of the past few hours seemed to pepper my mind and leave me unable to switch off.  I was physically and mentally exhausted.  It was the whiskey that called me.  I had just fed my child, she was asleep and likely would be for the next couple of hours.  I needed that prop; something to hold onto in case I dissolved inside.  I felt that if one more thing happened - and it did not have to be big - I was likely to collapse.  After all the years in Kirkwall, I had developed the toughest of skins, been the baddest of bitches.  But one man had fought through all that.  I had let Fenris in, and it was likely going to kill me.

It was only a fingerful of whiskey that swirled around the bottom of the glass - I didn't even know why I had chosen it - but I had stared at it for all of five seconds before knocking it back.  That metallic pain that seared and burned it's way down my throat took away the soul-reaving panic that was lingering around the edges of my psyche, but only for a few seconds.  After the searing heat that roasted my insides had died down, back was the blackness and the fear.  It leapt back at me like a predator.  It had been beaten aside for a few moments, only to roar back renewed.  Fenris would not have given me that most precious of gifts if he thought he was coming back to claim it.  He was saying that he was mine, even beyond the Veil.  The  _fucking Veil_.  I tried to refuse to think of myself as a widow but what if I was?  What if he lay on the battlefield, bleeding into the soft ground underneath him whilst others fought to keep him in this world?  Or worse still, what if he had fallen somewhere and lay broken yet able to be rescued if found in time?  My cruel mind showed me pictures of him unable to call for help, limbs laying weakly on the ground hidden by undergrowth due to a chance mishap of where he happened to fall.  Would he fall forgotten and alone?  I had slumped down onto a chair near the fire and had stared at the flames for untold time.  The same wicked scenes ran round and round in my head, taunting me with their sadistic tenacity.  Even if I closed my eyes, that body still lay there and I knew that sleep would be futile.

A knock at the door gave me temporary reprieve and slowly I ambled over to find out who it was.  I opened the door onto Ruth.  Normally she would have smiled in her simple way and walked in, but one look told her all she needed to know.

"How do I help you to cope?" was all she said as I held her eyes in mute desperation.  
"Can you stop me needing him?"

Silently she swung her head in answer to my questions.

"Then I doubt there is anything you can do."  
"Do you want me to come in anyway?"  

I shrugged, unable to muster the energy or the care, but I turned around and left the door open.  It was up to her.  The chair welcomed me back again and it sagged under my weight.  Softly the door clicked behind me and sure enough, she walked past me to go and see Adelas.  Before long I heard a soft, contented sigh through her nose before she turned to the table that held the drinks and food.  Quietly she moved about but my eyes drifted shut and I tried to ignore what she was doing.  I had more important things to think about, like if I was alone in the world right now.  When the leather of the chair opposite groaned and creaked, I opened them again.  She sipped a cup of tea and looked at the fire.  Patiently she waited.  I suppose I liked the fact she hadn't made me one.  She wasn't forcing me to wake up, or cheer up, or trying to mother me.  She was simply just waiting.

"So why are you here?" I asked her.  My voice seemed distant and scratchy.  
"Just to see how you are.  Adelas is a week old now and I wanted to make sure you are okay."  
"Okay.  You wanted to see if  _I'm_ okay.  Well, let's see.  I gave birth a week ago.  My body is still recovering from trauma.  I am still bleeding like the next twelve moonflows are being rolled into one.  I ache all over.  My breasts are full to the point of pain.  Adelas is feeding constantly.  My breasts hurt like  _fuck_ when I feed.  They feel like they're literally on fire.  I'm not sleeping very well as I'm always up to check if she's actually breathing.  Sometimes I fall asleep with my hand draped over the side of the cot.  If I'm not checking on her, Fenris is - or was.  My husband has gone off to battle and has bidden me goodbye.  Not a brilliant offering from a fighter of such repute.  If he thinks he's going to die, or that there's a chance of it, it must be pretty awful indeed.  There are other issues from inside the Inquisition regarding us and Adelas as well, but even thinking about that makes me feel as if my head is being split forcefully in two."

Ruth put her cup down and leaned over to take one of my hands in hers.  At her touch I jerked my own hand away.

"Please don't touch me.  Not right now."

Once again, she silently retreated but I knew those eyes were watching me.  A snuffle, a squawk and then a full-on scream announced that Adelas had woken prematurely from her nap.  Without thinking, I groaned before slowly shuffling forward in my seat to push myself to my feet.  But Ruth beat me to it.

"Let me do it.  Please." she calmly said, using that voice that told me to sit down and be sensible but didn't order me.  I let her as I felt all the maternal instinctive energy that I had gathered upon hearing the cry seep out into the chair underneath me.  

This wasn't me.  

I was supposed to rage through fiery streets, burning everything in my wake.  I used to scythe through enemies like I was cutting grass.  Blood and power had been my friends, and the weapons to carve my name into history.  But I had been reduced to a weeping, weak damsel that had shut herself in a stone prison where a swaddled babe waited to suckle at my breast.  This wasn't me at all.

Only it was now.

Ruth arrived with the small bundle whose arms had been flailing around.  Gently she handed her over to me and Adelas' pink and desperate face looked up at me.  Taking her in the arm that was now curling into place with learned precision, I unfastened the clothes that separated her agony from satiety.  Quickly she took me into her mouth and I felt my toes curl in anticipation of the searing hurt that was ... yes, there it was!  Hot streaks of scarlet scorched their way through my breast as the milk released.  My face contorted and my feet tapped the floor with involuntary steps, desperate to do something to wash away this pain, or simply to distract.  I only had to wait a little longer.  Please Maker, make it soon.  Gradually it seeped to a trembling stop and the milk simply flowed, but _fuck_ how it hurt.

"Is it normal for breastfeeding to hurt so much?" I said, wiping away tears of pain that I didn't know had fallen.    
"To begin with, and it doesn't happen for very long.  It's just your body getting used to what it's never done before." Ruth said, reaching into a bag and pulling out two small glass phials.  "This one will help with the burning.  It may be that there's a little nastiness inside your breast, but it also may be nothing.  This other one ..." She stopped and looked at me with a faint air of sadness.  "This other one is to help you, generally."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Are you coping?"  
"Coping with what?  All of that shit?  I'm still here, aren't I?" I snapped.  That was unjust.  I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.  "Look, I'm really sorry but I suppose that no, I'm not coping.  I'm surviving, but that's all I've ever done."  
"Don't you think you've done enough?"

Such a simple question but one I did not have any answers to.  It hung in the air with the weight of a maliciously cold breeze.  It taunted me.  As I pondered on the answer, I felt suddenly so ragingly tired.  Not just physically but mentally.  All those years I had fought for the right for all to be equal, taken control when others had proven themselves woeful, put my own  _life_ on hold - and for what?  For my husband to be ripped from me under the orders of a well-meaning, but ultimately powerful, Inquisitor.  I looked down at Adelas and chastised myself for hating her.  She was doing what came naturally to her and I had felt physically violent towards her when she had vocalised her need to be near that which she found safe; her mother.  More tears came.  Fingertips kept the lids of my eyes shut but they flowed down in grieving waves.  My chest ached where my ribs heaved up and down.

I sat in silence as Adelas finished her feed.  Putting her up onto my shoulder, I patted her back until I heard the inevitable  _pop_ of air come back up.  Her shaking little head tried to lift off my shoulder and look around.  Bringing her around to face me, I could see her sweet little scrunched up face.    Her eyes opened and a deep blue shone through.  Despite my anger, my malice and my heaviness, her innocent peep at the world won me back again.  I knew I loved her.  I loved her beyond recognition but I sometimes felt myself not feeling quite right towards her.  I heaved a deep sigh that simply creaked under the weight upon my shoulders.

"Anna, with all due respect, you look exhausted."   _Understatement._  "Please, let me help.  Go to sleep and allow me to look after Adelas, even if it's just for an hour."  
"I can't ..."  
"Yes, you can.  You're not sure of letting other people look after her but please - I was the first person to touch her, besides yourself.  I helped bring her into this world.  You can trust me."

From Adelas' sweet face, I looked over to my bed and felt a strange sense of peace.  It would be okay.  I couldn't help it.  Without even knowing why, I nodded at her.

"That would be amazing.  Thank you."

Smiling that calming, wonderful smile, she stood up and walked over.  As she ran her hand graciously over my head to smooth back my hair, her kind eyes beamed down at me.

"You're a fabulous mother, and you're doing a terrific job."

I didn't know that I needed to hear that until she said it.  Nobody but Fenris had said it to me.  Everyone who had met Adelas had praised her but no-one had said that _I_ was doing a good job.  Hadn't I changed too?  Maybe I had resented it without knowing but hearing it made me realise how much I had needed that validation.  This was unlike any other task I had ever known.  There was no way I could speak to express my gratitude but I gazed up at her and hoped she could see how much that had meant to me.

"Drink this.  It will make you sleep all the more deeply."

Handing me an open bottle, I took it with the arm that didn't have a nestled baby.  I had no reason to doubt her so I put it to my mouth and drank.  An orange flavoured syrup flowed gently over my tongue and kissed my throat on the way down.  There was a slightly bitter after-taste that reminded me of Rivaini tea and I smiled at the memory.  Gingerly she took Adelas off of me and instantly descended into nonsense talk and silly, smiling faces, turning my baby away from me so she wouldn't see that I had got up and dared to walk away from her.  Tired feet, sick with emotional fatigue, carried my weary arse over to the bed.  Sitting on the edge, I pulled off what clothes I could and threw them on the ground.  A soft pillow hit my face from nowhere and my eyelids, already heavy with dreams, fell shut.

It had been almost lunchtime when I had fallen asleep so I was surprised to find that when I awoke, the scents of roasted meats were drifting in through open windows.  That signalled that the kitchens were gearing up for their evening meals.  Immediately I sat up, bolt-upright.  I hadn't meant to sleep that long.  No dreams or nightmares had disturbed my slumber, just hours of peaceful rest.

"What time is it?" I asked the dark, dormant room.  I assumed that Ruth had simply managed to get Adelas to sleep after playing with her for a while.  After no reply came, my eyes flitted to the cot that sat next to me.  A ruffled blanket revealed an empty bed.  My eyes flitted from place to place, trying to find where she was.

"Ruth?  Are you there!?" I cried swiftly.

_Silence._

My heart raced now.  She wasn't here, and that meant my baby wasn't either.  


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke searches for Adelas, although the path it leads her down is painful beyond words ...

Where was she!?

_Okay, think, Hawke!  Calm the fuck down and think.  Shoes on, clothes on.  Better.  Now, where are my knives?_

Fast feet took me across the cold floor to the cupboard where I kept my blades.  The babies I had before Adelas had burst into my life.  With a cold song, the steel was in my hands and tingling my arms with a welcome blaze of outrage.  The tightly woven thread around the handle bit into my flesh just enough to remind me of all the times I had taken lives with them.  I looked down at the darkly glinting steel and smiled.  The Champion was in me, feeding that rage that had boiled over.

Ruth was going to die.  

A foul delight swelled up inside me as I thought over the ways I was going to kill her.  First I was going to sever the tendons in the back of her knee so she couldn't get away, or even stand up.  She would have to crawl to even move.  I wouldn't do anything to her arms so she could pull herself along.  Give her some hope.  As I threw open the door to my chambers, I favored scalping her next.  Maybe I should pin her down with a blade through her shoulder, pegging her into the ground.  Yes, that would work.  I took the stone steps two at a time as I thought about opening up the soft wet flesh of her throat.  Would I do that at first or listen to her pitifully mewling for mercy?  Would I grant it?  Fuck no.  If she had stolen my baby, my poor little Adelas ...

My foot went from under me and I fell from the bottom step and bounced against the wall.  I came to a screeching halt and felt my breath drag in and out of my body.  The sudden pain from impact against the wall hurt but my mind was beyond that.  Beyond physical pain.

What if she needed me?

What if she was crying out for me?  And the ones who had her neither listened nor cared?  A small, scared baby in a corner, desperate for its mother.  She was too young to understand what was going on.  If she cried too much, would they simply ...  That thought died in my mind as I fought not to see those images.  I had seen broken babes, senseless casualties of someone else's war, but my own?  That put too much pain into something so mindlessly savage.  Was I wrong to only care now it was happening to me?  No.  I chastised myself for not caring enough in the past.  Flickers of nausea threatened my resolve and sought to plunge me into despair but with a wanton snarl, I pushed myself to standing.

Ruth was not in the downstairs hallway.   _Fuck her!_ Two doors led out from the chamber in which I raged.  I threw open the nearest one and ran out, temporarily blinded by a dazzling sun.  Forced to take several paces back, my hands shielded my eyes and I gazed out over Skyhold.  The citadel seemed infinitely vast now I didn't know where to look and I felt another surge of grief take me.  How would I look?  Where would I start?  She would be out of here before I could get to her.  Maybe she was already gone.  Desperately I forced myself to think.  Who to turn to?  Cullen?  He was gone with Eleanor.  Most of the Inquisition Council were. I needed to raise the alarm but how?

_Josephine!_

I knew she had attended the camp to make sure that the Empress was happy but what if she had broken away early?   _Maker, please!!  Please let her be there!_ My body wasn't used to running, but I had residual fitness.  My mind would have pushed me through all pain anyway.  I broke through the door to her office, frantic to see if she was there.  She was!   _Maker, you are blessed!_ I stood there, heaving great lungfuls of air into my chest.  My shoulders were high and my fists still gripped my blades as I stared at the Antivan.

"Champion, what is it?" she exclaimed, standing immediately and running over.  Her hazel eyes took in my stance and weaponry, but only momentarily.  
"Adelas ... is ... gone ..."

The look of shock and pure panic that clouded her face were horrific but only because they mirrored my own feelings.  However, she was able to calm herself enough to become rational.  Immediately she turned and walked to the bell system junction that worked from her office wall.  Within seconds, I could hear the chain of bells sounding out an emergency call and knew it would be around Skyhold within moments.  I recognised the chimes and it was the first time that I felt something akin to hope.  It was faint but it was there.  Should I push it away and survive, or let it fester and possibly break me?  I mercilessly beat it back down.  I needed to think.

"Tell me everything." Josephine said , fixing me with that direct gaze of hers.  

Quickly I relayed what had happened with Ruth, during which time a small retinue of soldiers had arrived.  They waited silently by the wall, ready to enact any orders the acting head of the Inquisition would give them.  Upon finishing, she turned and gave them clear and concise instructions.  With smart nods and the rattle of armour, they headed quickly out of the door.

"This is the protocol for that set of bells.  By now, the main gates will be closed.  There are no other routes out of Skyhold.  All mages know that when they hear that set of bells, they are forbidden to teleport anywhere, except by the express orders of the Inquisitor.  Any mages left in Skyhold that are also in the Council have to report to me.  I expect that Dorian will be arriving ... "  
"Precisely when he means to, my dear Josephine." came a welcome voice as the door opened.  "What foul events befall our dear castle now?  Hawke!  How pleasant to ..."

On seeing the stormy looks renting my face asunder, his own inimitable smile dropped.

"What is going on?"  
"Adelas is missing."  
"No-one has transported out that I know of." he informed Josephine swiftly, suddenly serious.  "In the past few hours at least."  
"You can feel that? Really?" I asked.  
"I can feel the ripples of power every time someone causes a mere candle to light magically.  I can certainly tell when someone is teleporting."

A castle runner opened the door and walked straight over to the diplomat, talking quietly into her ear.

"The castle gates report that she has not left." she relayed.  "That means she is likely still in the castle."  
"I have to do something." I cried as I turned to leave, my shoulders hunching   
"Hawke, this is likely some mischance and she is somewhere nearby." Dorian soothed.  
"Or this is part of that plot to steal my  _fucking baby!_ " I roared.  "There are castle walls everywhere, with massive fucking drops!  If they wanted her dead, then she's already dead!"

The sound bounced off the stone and battered my own ears, mocking me for believing me that I could keep a small baby safe.  She was a week old.  I had failed in this.  If she had indeed been killed already, then I was ready to follow her off the castle walls and into oblivion.  Wildly I stared around the room, trying to find something to latch onto.  Concentrating on my breathing seemed to help, but then my eyes fell on Josephine's desk. Or the vase that sat on top of the desk.

_Lilies._

Oh no.  No, no, no!  Steel blades clattered to the floor and I clutched my head, staggering about the room ...

*

_The smell from that evil place still lingered in the nose.  It was metallic and putrid, with rotten thrown in for good measure.  There was the spice of magic on the air as well; dark, foul magic.  I was no mage but even I, untrained in those arts, could sense something very wrong - very, very wrong - in the Lowtown foundry._

_"There!" Dupuis cried as I ran forward, my eyes already flickering around to find the next patch of dark crimson staining the floor._

_It was an inescapable, crushing fear that pulled me on.  Somewhere in this warren was my mother.  Was she alive?  Was she ... dead?  I didn't want to think about it but I forced myself to.  The searing rationality of needing to focus staved off the madness for now._

_"They are here somewhere." I called out to the rest of my group as I bounded up wooden steps and ran along a creaking gallery.  Dark rooms gave no satisfaction and I threw myself into searching the next.  I wanted to scream my lungs to the stars to find her.  If I had put my own mother in mortal danger, then I would never forgive myself.  Never.  
"Looks like someone forgot to conceal the door to his hideout." came Varric's voice, flush with disappointment, at the same time my eyes dropped onto the small, wooden trapdoor in the corner of the room.  The blood trail led right up to it.  I threw it open to see a ladder leading into a larger room.  Before anyone could stop me, I dropped down, sliding down the ladder posts to save time._

_My heart pounded almost clear out of my chest as Shades and a rage demon roared up from the floor.  They were no match for my mood and were swiftly despatched.  The heat almost registered through the pain that was by now pounding through my head like the relentless march of the sea upon a shore; not soft but stormy and violent._

_A woman lay prone and facing away but it was not her!  Cursing my bad luck, we left Alessa's body and I ran on, my blades still in my hand and still dripping with fade-touched foulness.  A locket, more shades, and ominous notes brought my shaking soul to a painting._

_"What ... is this?" I cried, my mouth dropping open as I stared up in horror and disgust.  The woman in the painting was an exact likeness of my mother.  What was going on here?  Anders muttered something but beyond the rushing of blood next to my ears, he was effectively mute.  "I need to find her.  Now."  
_

_Further and further we ran, plunging into that abyss that by now I was sure would hold the body of my own sweet mother.  I gritted my teeth, determined not to break.  If she was dead, then someone would pay dearly but they would not see me weakened first.  I came to a screeching halt when in the next room I saw the back of a chair, with a grey haired mage stood next to it ..._

*

If I could not save my own mother, how could I possibly hope to save my baby?  I had trusted Ruth, she had brought Adelas into the world, and now she had also taken her from it.  The trembling started from my stomach.  It gathered quickly until I was shaking and couldn't stop.  Much as I tried to, I just couldn't bring it under control.  My fingers pushed through my hair as I scraped it back from my face, staring wildly around.  My head was dizzy and I realised that I was beginning to hyperventilate.  Soon I was almost braying like a donkey as I fought to breathe.  This fear was paralysing.  In the space of a year, it would be the second time that I faced no husband, no child, and no future.  My soul and my life seemed to drain away into the floor and I was filled with a grey nothingness.  

It was then that I felt myself give up.

I ran out of the room.  Unable to command myself any more, I pounded up the steps to the castle walls.  My mind had quickly spun out of control and I found myself on the ramparts, staring out into the air.  A world without Fenris, without Adelas, without the idyllic happiness that the past week had brought me.  It was cruel, truly cruel, of the Maker to tempt me with such joy then to rip it away.

It was cold and silent up here.  All around me were grey mountains, covered with the concealing power of snow.  The soft powdery killer that housed my baby, somewhere in the depths below.  A breeze lifted the hair around my face as I looked down to see the cavernous depths that fell away from me.  Was she out there somewhere?  I should try and find her, shouldn't I?

Up I stepped.

"Hawke!" screamed a voice.  I looked round to see, through the dull fug of obscured vision, someone in gold clothes stepped slowly towards me.  I was vaguely aware of others gathering about as well.  "Hawke, please - come down!"  
"But I need to look for my baby."  
"Hawke, we have found your baby.  She is here, safe within the walls of Skyhold.  Please, _please_ come down from the walls." 

The voice was soft and familiar.  Should I trust it?  It sounded on the edge of madness, high-pitched and frantic.  Maybe I shouldn't listen.

"Anna?" another voice followed.  Deeper, stronger than the other.  My lowered head turned to this new interference.  A muffled view of black and white stalked towards me.  "Anna, listen to me.  Come down from the wall."

I knew this voice.  It had the soft timbre of devotion overflowing in it.  It was as dear to me as my own heartbeat.

"Our child is safe.  Please.  Listen to me, listen to my voice."

It was drawing nearer now.  

"Amata, please ..."

Turning around, I saw the wide eyes of my husband.  Surely it couldn't be.  Surely I was dreaming.  I must be already dead.  This was beyond the Veil and I had been rewarded for all the deeds I had ever done.

"You're some trick of my mind." I breathed.  
"How can I prove that I'm not?"  Green eyes pleaded with me.  Eyes that I felt I had known my entire life.  "Please, amata.  I'm begging you.  You have to trust me.  If you love me at all, please step down from the wall."

Fenris, my husband, my _life_ , held out his hand.  I don't know how he was here but he was.  He had not been killed, had not been hurt, but was here.  The Maker favoured me, surely?  There was utter panic behind those eyes as the cold wind blew around us all.  There was no sound, no nothing, just me and him.  And those eyes.

" _I take your hand in mine._ "

Something in my soul trusted him, this vision come to rescue me.  Slowly my own hand raised a little and he reached out to grab it.  It was warm.  This was no mirage, this was real.  It was him!  Fenris had come back!  He was here!  He pulled me rapidly forward and into his arms, holding me as if I would disappear and he could keep me here by his sheer power.  He was not letting me go and there was no way I wanted him to.  I had thought him dead, thought our daughter dead, dropped into the abyss.  Glancing behind me, I saw the wall and beyond it the Frostback mountains.  My legs gave way.

What had I almost done?

I sunk to the floor, Fenris having the strength to guide me gently to sitting against the battlements.  I gazed up at him through wide eyes, begging for an explanation that he simply could not give me.  I panted for air now that the adrenaline had gone.  Through the few people that had gathered, a woman broke through carrying something.

"My dear Anna, I am so sorry!" cried Ruth, her face open and wide, and begging for forgiveness.  She near pushed a tiny bundle of cloth into my arms and I felt the natural weight of Adelas.  "I took her for a walk to give you some peace.  Please forgive me!"

Looking down, the unmistakeable face of my own flesh and blood looked back up at me, crying for my love.  I just couldn't begin to fathom what I was about to do.

"Amatus," I said to Fenris, my lips quivering, "what has become of me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading what was probably very horrible to read. That was a highly charged and very dark chapter to write. Many of you will think that I went too far but I did it to highlight a too-often-ignored condition postbirth. Postnatal depression is real and happens to the vast majority of women in many different forms, although usually not as dark as this. I wrote this to show that you are not alone if you're reading this. There is help out there.
> 
> http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/  
> http://www.postpartum.net/
> 
> To those who just wanted to read the story, *everything* is happier from here on to the end. I will make sure of it. 
> 
> PS - This was written and then just posted. I'll edit tomorrow.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris soothes Hawke after the recent accumulation of anxiety and stress burst and left his wife almost broken.

Somewhere just beyond this fine haze on the borders of sleep that I was in, I could hear Fenris singing softly to me.  I lay in our bed, wrapped in his strong arms with his lips placed near enough to my forehead to lay gentle kisses on me every now and again.  I inhaled deeply the warm air rising from his chest, steady and reassuring in its familiarity.  Fingers of his tenderly stroked my arm as he once again hugged me closer to him as if he was trying to put into one gesture all the love he had for me.  Adelas lay in the cot behind us and if I listened, I could hear her gentle breathing.  She was fast asleep.  A lazy smile took my sleepy face as my husband dragged the blankets up to make sure I was warm and snuggled up.  

Skyhold seemed a world removed from what it had been only an hour before.  Fenris had descended into something almost feral as his protective side roared out of him.  A short bark of gratitude, so abrupt it was almost missed, was shot at those gathered there and as I held our child close to me, he wrapped one arm around my shoulders and led me towards our rooms.  The silence had been outstanding as we walked through those gathered there, not even caring to pay attention to social niceties.  I had felt myself floating on a sea of hostile thoughts and deadliness but at least I was staying above the surface, not plunging downwards like I had been only five minutes before.  

"I need to leave." I had managed to say to my husband who had steered me towards where I now found myself.

But here?  In this bed, in this sanctuary, I was warm and I was loved and I was safe.  My legs intertwined with his under the covers and I let out a purr of contentment.

"I love you, amatus."   
He responded with yet more warm kisses into the hair on the top of my head.  "As I, you."  

Slowly I brought my head back so I could look into his eyes.  The edges of them crinkled with happiness and not for the first time in our married life, I wondered at the two men that I knew that both bore the same name.  

One was a merciless killer that imprisoned a rage so deep and vast that even I barely knew the extent of it all.  This man had known the true pain of slavery; that loss of justice, of freedom, and of self.  I had seen this man plunge his own hand into the chest of many an enemy and rip out their beating hearts, a grisly memento of the last moments of their lives that they would take through to that land beyond the Veil.  I had seen this man break open the man who had kept him prisoner, who had both made Fenris and broken him.  I had seem him shatter the spine of that vile  _maleficar_ \- through his chest.Oh yes, I had seen the dark side of that man.

But, I had also seen him weep at the sight of his daughter.  I had seen him reduced to insecurity, unsure as to what to do when presented with his own flesh and blood to hold.  I had seen him nervous on our wedding day but flushed with irresistible excitement as well.  I had seen him display true passion and soul-rending love towards me, his _amata_ , on our wedding night and many nights after.  I had sat with him on the crest of a hill and seen him marvel at the beauty of the rolling countryside before him, idling over the summer sun and the way the light had touched the golden greens of the forests and the steel greys of the mountains.  I had seen him smile at a piece of music when he thought no-one was watching; a movement of the lips so small that only those who knew the intimate corners of his face would have seen it.  I had heard him, in more guarded moments, talk of the valued friendship and lasting memories from our Kirkwall days.  I had seen the wistfulness of regret cloud his face when he thought of our days in Dairsmuid and of those we had left behind.

Yes, I had seen everything.

"A kiss for your thoughts?" came the low rumble from his chest.    
"I was thinking of all those reasons why I love you, Fenris, and all those ways you'll always be mine."  
"No-one will ever know me the way you do."

With another smile, I raised a hand to touch his jaw before pushing my mouth up to kiss him on the lips.  He returned it gently, tenderly, before pulling back and smiling at me.  I settled back into his chest and felt him just hold me.  For a few minutes, we lay in simple silence.

"Fenris?" I eventually asked.  
"My love?"  
"Do you want to talk about earlier?" I whispered.  
"Yes, but it is your choice as to whether we do or not."

I inhaled solemnly through my nose as I thought about what to say.

"It would be easier if I answered your questions for I do not know how to explain, nor where to start."

He paused a while to consider a question.  

"Tell me this, what conspired to put Adelas in Ruth's care and not yours?"  
"She had come to visit me and seen I was exhausted.  She had administered what I assume was a sleeping draught and had bade me take some rest.  I thought she would stay in the room with me and tend to Adelas, but it seems she needed to remove herself.  Presumably our baby was making a fuss over something or other."  
"How long were you asleep?"  
"I am not sure but I think for several hours."  
"How did Adelas feed then?"  
"I honestly don't know.  Maybe Ruth knows a wet nurse somewhere in the castle."

Fenris fell silent again.

"When you awoke, what did you do?"  
"When I realised she was missing?"  I felt him nod mutely.  "I found my blades."  
With a soft laugh through his nose, he kissed my forehead.  "Always trustworthy."  
"I ran to find help, but most of the people I could find were with you, fighting Corypheus.  With a prayer to the Maker, I ran to Josephine's office and blessedly she had returned."  
"But why ..."

He trailed off and I felt my own eyebrows ruffle.  Why had he stopped?  My answer lay in a faint snarl that I heard him make deep in his chest.  His arms squeezed ever so slightly and his fingers pinched a little.  He was in distress but I doubt he even realised.

"Why were you on the ramparts?"  
"Oh, that."  My voice trailed off and I took a little while to think on the answer.  How was I to respond to this most basic of questions?  It required a little more explanation than the obvious intent of being on the high wall of a castle.  "My eyes had fallen on the lilies that Thom brings for Josephine."  
"Ah." Fenris' voice fell flat as he recalled the same events I had done.  "Your mother's fate was not your fault."  
"I know that, and I accepted as much years ago.  But I was not myself.  I saw those lilies and the same panic strangled me today as it did back in Kirkwall.  In the condition I was in, I couldn't take it any more." My voice dropped to a whisper.  "I gave up."

Again the strong arms wrapped me in a tight embrace.  Growls from inside his throat could be felt and heard.

"I am not the woman I once was, and I don't mind admitting it.  Today scared me, greatly.  I don't know whether it is the effect that Adelas has had on me, or being at Skyhold, or what, but I don't feel like the Champion of Kirkwall now.  I feel like the Hawke that turned up the docks, just off the boat from Ferelden, all those years ago."  
"That is unkind to yourself."  
"Maybe so, but it is the truth.  My mind has not been my own for some time now and it worries me."  
"What worries?"

I hated being this deep.  Somehow I felt I had to hide the truth, even from myself.  It stung to be so open but I felt that now was necessary.  Fenris deserved some answers.

"I worry that I am not a suitable mother."  Immediately I heard an intake of breath from Fenris as if he would vehemently deny that claim, but I silenced him by placing a finger over his mouth before he could respond.  "Please, Fenris.  I need to say these things.  Otherwise they will eat away at me."  He nodded graciously but severely.  "I worry that I am not 'motherly' enough.  Mothers need to be warm, caring, soft.  I am not those things.  I am more comfortable in armour and talking about weaponry.  Mothers gather in quiet places for their children to run around in; I was most comfortable in the Hanged Man, and other taverns.  I don't feel ready or suitable."  
"This is a baseless claim, amata."  
"But still, a claim nonetheless."  
"What else?" he hummed.  
"My pride.  I worry that I am not important enough anymore."  
"What!?" he said loudly, immediately withdrawing at the realised risk of waking our daughter up.  We both looked over in mute horror only to see Adelas' arms raise a little at the sudden noise and then settle back down again.  Fenris guarded himself and I heard the volume drop massively.  "You are important, Anna.  Important to her and most definitely important to me."  
"I meant to the running of the world.  In Kirkwall, I was important.  They considered me for Viscountess, for fuck's sake.  In Dairsmuid, I was important.  But here, I'm not."  
"But ..."  
"And I don't mind admitting it." I interrupted.

There, I had said it to myself.  The real truth.  It wasn't that I wanted to be important any more, that I wanted to be the centre of attention and that I hated  _not_ being, but in fact it was the opposite; I wanted to _not_ be any more.  I was tired.  After over a decade of fighting and of running, I was done.  Ruth had put into one question what I had subconsciously been asking myself for years - _"Don't you think you've done enough?"_.  My rage over the past months was a front.  I was grieving that life and making a last minute surge to recapture that time, but secretly I was weary and needed to stop.  

"You wish to step down?" Fenris clarified, his voice low and understanding.

I could only nod.  There were no tears of frustration that my life in the sun was over.  Simply a tiredness that it had taken me too long to realise the simple truth.

"Then you wish to leave?"  
"I do.  I want to see our children climb trees and fish in streams, hunt through meadows and forests.  I want to raise them in some backwater some place where they can be themselves and grow like normal children do.  If we stay here, then they'll never have that normal life."  
"They'll be safer here than most anywhere else."  
"True, but what would we sacrifice by remaining?  And you!  Look at how easily you were commanded to go fight for the Inquisition.  You came back this time but next time?  The time after that?  We'll never be able to say 'no' to them, will we?"

Fenris rolled away from me at this point onto his back.  One arm rode up to over his head but the other stayed clamped around my shoulder.  I shuffled onto his chest and looked at him.  He stared up at the ceiling.

"You are right." he sighed.  "Standing there on the muster ground, seeing you and Adelas waiting for me, fearing I would never see you again?  It was almost too much to bear.  I cannot go through that again."  
"It was the same for me too." I murmured darkly as I lay on his chest.  I could not bear to think of that morning but it flashed up in my memory anyway.

I listened to his heart beating gently underneath my ear.  The warmth of his skin always comforted me and it did so again now.  I knew this was the right move to make.  Adelas had been born here and it would always be special, but this wasn't to be our home.  I could feel it in my skin and in my soul.  The decision seemed to hang in the air but as well as feeling right, it felt concrete as if it had been wordlessly acknowledged and agreed upon.  I felt no malice from Fenris and as I listened to his heartbeat, I could hear no stress, no fear in how it stirred underneath me.  He wanted this too.

"What shall we do?" he asked.  
"We sleep now and we tell Eleanor when she is back and ready to talk to us."

As I moved from his chest into the crook of his shoulder, and felt his arm encircle me with tender protection, I thought on what we had so quickly decided.  The speed with which we had come to the agreement should have concerned me but it didn't.  It was more of a vow that we had both wanted, secretly thought, voiced and found the other wanted the same thing.  This new path was shrouded before us and I felt the first trills of excitement.  Not knowing meant no preconceptions.  We could start a life without anyone knowing who we were.  We would hide ourselves in the far hills of some land and stay there for many years.  But as I thought about it, I knew exactly where I wanted to go and a smile guided me into my sleep.

There was really nowhere else I wanted to go, and it made me very happy.


	46. Chapter 46

"You go back to sleep, I'll get up."

Those were the magic words I was longing to hear. Adelas had woken up four times during the past night, each time to feed or be changed or be held. This included one special two-hour stint when she wouldn't return to sleep, no matter what we tried. She fed from me, pulling every last dreg out of my breasts until they felt like they would never refill. She was screaming for more but wouldn't take any more. She wanted to be held but not, apparently, in the way I was trying to hold her. We changed her undercloth about three times but each time there was the merest dab of shite in there. It was no longer disgustingly and eerily black, it was now the colour of shit mixed with piss, a distinctly unpleasant mustardy yellow. And it smelled fucking revolting, like milk that had been left to sour. In the summer. With windows shut. Even in my sleep deprived state, if I caught a whiff of it I would feel nauseous.

It was a good job she was so cute.

When her lust for milk was sated, and when her underclothes were clean, and she was warm, and being held, I would fight anyone who said she wasn't the most gorgeous baby who ever lived. Her beautiful mouth was the perfect shade of coral pink and her little eyes were the deepest, darkest blue. Her cheeks, although covered in tiny white spots, were the fullest and most adorable things I had ever seen. The way her whole body tensed up when she was trying to get gas out, and that almost-smile that she would make when she had produced a foul stench made my heart melt. In the few moments when she was awake, she would gaze up at either Fenris or myself and just ... stare. Her mouth would hang open just wide enough to see her tongue and her eyes would crack open a touch to reveal those eyes the colour of indigo. We both just stared at her as if she had just bequeathed the lessons of the Maker. We were utterly captivated.

But then she would start crying and want to feed again.  The cycle went on.

Every time Fenris would get up to go to her, scooping her up without a word into his arms and walking around the room with her until she was soothed. The deep voice would be just enough for me to hear the pitch but not the words. The cadence was enough to send me back to sleep; it always had been. I wouldn't have listened anyway as this was time with his daughter. And that was most precious.

This morning I woke to the smell of fresh coffee, and the sound of it being drank somewhere across the room, accompanied by profanities; too hot, and very fresh. Excellent. From the amount of light in the room, it was somewhere near mid-morning. Rolling over onto my back, I found that my breasts were beyond engorged. A wet patch under where I had been laying told me that I had leaked a lot of milk. Yet another glamorous reminder of my duty. I didn't know what in my body was going to change next. Thankfully the blood loss was slowing down quite a lot. Still there but less worrying somehow. But my breasts? They had become a law unto themselves. I had always prided myself on my figure, and Fenris had always loved them, but now they were enormous. There was no other word to describe them. Sometimes painful, and rock solid, but enormous. Slowly, and achingly, I sat up.

Across the room, Fenris sat with his feet propped up onto another chair, a mug of coffee resting on his chest. He smiled as he gazed at the sleeping child resting up against his thighs. She looked perfectly comfortable; indeed the unconsciousness proved that. He barely looked away and only briefly threw a glance my way when he noticed I was sitting up. That smile, though. He beamed at me as if he had the world's most valuable treasure and it was all his. It was a mix of pride, gratitude, love, adoration, and sincere happiness. Not what I expected to see after broken sleep. Drowsily I rubbed my eyes as a yawn erupted out of nowhere. Shuffling out of bed wasn't a problem now it was spring and the floor was far warmer than it had been. Maybe my feet had got used to the almost caustic cold of the stone tiles but now it was a balmy touch that greeted me. It was springtime but it was still the mountains. I just couldn't get used to it.

"How late is it?" I greeted him as I walked over to kiss him on the top of the head. A glance at my little girl saw her breathing evenly and deeply. She would be asleep for a while, possibly. My arm slipped around his neck and I leaned over to hug my husband. Lovingly he curled his head towards me and I could hear a faint sound, almost a purr of contentment.  
"The tower bell has rung nine bells, but a while ago. You needed your sleep."  
"I did. Fuck, she's exhausting me." I groaned as I yawned yet again, stretching as I paced over to the coffee pot. A dark, promising aroma rose to meet my nose and I smiled. A cup of it accompanied me back to the seats. "She's been okay?" I asked as I slipped my feet under myself and sat gently down, cuddling up to the hot cup in my hands.  
"She's been wonderful." he beamed again, his low voice full of paternal obsession.

An involuntary silence descended as we both watched our sleeping cherub. Through the open windows, a cool breeze brought freshness to our chambers but not coldness, and with it the sounds of birdsong and activity. We knew the daily routines of Skyhold intimately by now. If I was to look out of the windows in our apartment, I would see morning drills from the soldiers, goods being loaded onto the various stalls, and runners constantly moving between the stations of office in the beloved citadel. I wouldn't, of course, as I was naked apart from underpants and I didn't think that Skyhold was ready to see my enormous breasts just yet.

"I also heard the signal that Eleanor was back within Skyhold."

The bell system would have ricocheted around the castle the moment she was back. There was no way anyone could miss it; apart from a sleep-deprived mother, of course. The weight of his statement, and all that it implied, hung in the air like a tempting poison. It needed to be done, but it would be painful.

"When should we see her?" I asked seriously.  
"This afternoon would be best. If she is back, then there have been no shouts of horror or surprise. I must presume that she has arrived back intact. She will need to debrief on what she has found. This could be ... of note, considering where they were fighting for."  
"Hmmm." I pondered as I took a sip of my coffee.

I thought on the very real possibility that something of an incredible power had been located in the southern forests of Orlais. Why else would Corypheus have moved upon that place? What weapon could it hold? It must be truly awesome, in the very real sense of the word. If so, then Eleanor would have to talk a long time to her various councillors, plus she needed time to rest. She would be learning that she would be losing two most able fighters, one still very much in the prime of his ability. This would be a tough sell but after all, we were not her prisoners. We had helped her in her mission, and she had provided us with a home for the best part of a year. We had birthed a child in that time, lost and found each other, fought besides each other once again. It would be emotional leaving this place behind, but it had to be done. Adelas would run about without cares in the world and we would thrive as a family.

"Once I have fed our little beauty, I will dress and go to request a meeting."  
"She is a clever woman, Anna. She will have guessed."  
"If so, it will still happen - whether she had forethought or not."  
"I find myself more joyous over this plan than I have felt for a long time. I ..."

He had stopped. Why? I watched his face furrow as he reached out a soft finger to trace the soft cheek of his daughter. With a deep sigh through his nose, he buried the caution in a huge draught from his coffee mug.

"Fenris?" came the soft prompt from me.  
"I am looking forward to being the father I always wanted to be, but I am nervous." He stopped for a while and looked at his daughter with intense concentration.  "I want to thank you, Anna."  
"Thank me? Why?"  
"For bringing this glorious creature into my life. And for being mine. This is sometimes too much to bear, but you are there to shoulder it with me. And ... I am grateful."

I nodded at him with a smile as I didn't need to say a word. We fell silent once more and watch the telltale signs of our little girl start to wake up. Snuffles, twitches, lip movement; all announced that she would wake soon. She would want a feed, and my breasts were aching for it, and she would want to be held. I would do that. Forever. This was my family, and I loved them for it.


	47. Chapter 47

Eleanor fixed me with that special look of hers.  Leaning forward on her elbows, her mouth rested on interlocked fingers that covered most of her face.  But still her green eyes stared at me.  She didn't blink as she listened to my explanations of the actions of the past week.  I was trying to decide if she was angry or upset.  Irritatingly, her face remained impassive.

"So it's all arranged then?"  
"Yes.  The cottage is ready and the farmer is awaiting us."  
"Is he trustworthy?"  
"He is a distant family member.  I do not believe he even remembers me though.  I have no reason to suspect that he would be interested in anything other than defending against bears.  That area has seen too much ravaging and politics to worry that worldly matters will intrude.  He just wants to live his life."

The Inquisitor sat back in her chair and stretched her legs under her desk.  Since the original meeting a week ago, I had managed not only to find a place to stay but had procured Fenris work as a farmhand, a role he had privately admitted would be ideal.  He would still be able to fight bears and wolves, thus keep his eye in, but the pace would be ideal.  He wanted to slow down as much as I did.  A cottage on the farmer's lands had been freely given, especially when Fenris had gone to visit and taken along his swords to show the man just how well he could fight.  The enticement of such a fighter had swayed the farmer's generosity greatly.  

Eleanor had been so very gracious when I had approached her.  Fenris had also been correct.  She confessed that she had suspected it was coming for a while and was surprised that we had stayed this long.  Not that she wanted us gone. Over the week, she had come to take supper in our chambers a lot, with Cullen, and we had talked late into the night.  I was under the distinct impression that she was going to miss us. 

We had brought Dorian in on the mission, with Eleanor's blessing, and that had been the sum of all who knew what our plans were going to be; just two.  I couldn't face telling any more.  Not even Varric.  That was one hurdle that I would just have to ignore.  To leave him again was more than I could take.  I had written him a letter as he should know what we were planning.  He'd always been there for us, through everything.  It would just be really, really tough to say goodbye to him.  

"I can't believe that this is it, Anna." Eleanor said sadly.  
"I came to say goodbye.  After all you've done for us, it would be wrong to slink away."

Quietly rising from her chair, she walked over to a small bureau that was set against a wall.  With a deep sigh, she opened up the wooden doors and retrieved a small item.  As she walked back towards me, doleful eyes finally looked at my face as she held her hand out and drop something into my palm.  A small silver amulet set with the symbol of the Inquisition stared back up at me.  The corners of my mouth smiled as I looked at it.  Her personal amulet.  This was a mighty token that she had just given me.

"If you, or any of your family, should _ever_ need help, use this.  It will allow you immediate access to me, wherever I am." she told me with a melancholy in her voice.  "You have done so much for us and I will very much miss you.  As a friend, more than anything."

This was difficult.  I wanted to say so much to her, and I wanted to stay with her to make sure she was okay, but I couldn't.  If I had been able to say goodbye to Hansa, what would I have said?  It was almost akin to that.  

"I don't want to leave you," I started, "or Skyhold, or the Inquisition, but I must.  This is for my family.  I hope you will reach a point in your life where you will enjoy the same wonders that I have, as well as the great trials that you and I have both fought through.  We are so alike that I feel sure you will.   Marry Cullen, he is a good man." This caused her to shuffle with embarrassment and cute awkwardness.  "Have his babies, or not - whatever you want - but do not let yourself be alone with just the job.  Remember _Eleanor_.  She deserves looking after because she's incredible ... and I'm really going to miss her."

A half-smile caused my lips to move as I almost shyly looked up at the woman who I had come to regard as a very close friend.  Arms were thrown around me and the leader of the Inquisition squeezed me tightly against her.  She didn't care about propriety and perhaps that was one reason we had worked so well together.  As she drew back, I saw her smile.  Not the Inquisitor, but Eleanor.  With a sideways grin, like she knew the end was here, she held out a hand towards the door.

"Your family will be waiting." she said quietly.

We descended the stairs and walked out proudly into the great hall.  Looking around for what was to be the last time, I saw the same old things; long tables laden with food for the crowds that gathered there, doors that led off to places and people of great importance, wall hangings that commemorated the victories the Inquisition had won, and many more.  But as we approached the end of the room, I kept my face firm and away from the large stone hearth.  I could not let Varric know what we were doing.  I wanted him to think that Eleanor and myself were just walking out to attend to business, just as we always did.  Then why was my heart beating so loudly in my chest?  Why did I feel as if I was letting him down?  I knew why.  Because I was returning to my room where I would teleport out to my new home, never to see him again.  Slinking away like a rat into the shadows; at least that's what I felt like.  As we passed the fireplace, I allowed myself a simple glance.  Any more and he would have guessed something was wrong.  He knew me well enough to know when something was fishy.  He wasn't there.  I was almost glad.  To see him again in passing and not explain would have made it too difficult.

"By the way," Eleanor interrupted my reverie with, "do you remember you asked me to look into slavery throughout the Inquisition and all it's lands?"  
"When I first came here?" I confirmed, keeping my worry for that dwarf firmly out of my voice as we passed through the door and started down the stone steps.  
"That's right.  Monsieur de Clothilde was found guilty in Val Royeaux of purchasing and using slaves just this past week.  I personally sent a letter to Celene to find out why his trial was taking so long, and apparently the missive expedited the whole thing."  
"Thank you.  Both of us are more than grateful that you took the time for that."  
"It is abominable that it was even occurring in lands that I was supposed to be in charge of.  You can rest assured that it will not happen anywhere within the Inquisition, and anyone who wishes to be our allies had better not have any form of slavery operating within their borders, legitimised or not.  It has been informally so since we started but I have instructed Josephine to include it in any formal arrangements.  It will not happen."  
"You have no idea how much that means to both of us."

We alighted on the open landing halfway down the main steps.  It afforded a wonderful view of the internal workings of the citadel.  From here I could see across the upper courtyard and most of the lower.  I would truly miss this place.  It had housed and kept us, afforded us safety when we needed it, and provided some of the best friends we could have wished for.  But it was time to move on.

"Anna?"  
"Yes?" I responded warily.  Her voice had a nervous quality as if she was wanting to talk to us about something but didn't know how to do it.  I wondered if there was anyone else that she allowed herself to be that way with.  Was it refreshing for her to be so lacking in confidence?  To allow herself some room for doubt.  Looking over, she appeared serene but her eyes gave her away.  They flittered between looking directly at me and the tower to which we were heading.  "What is it?"  
"I'm not going to apologise again for what happened last week with Adelas as you would likely beat me around the head with it."  
"Undoubtedly." I smirked at her.  
"But I have been talking to Solas about it."

That was the line she was nervous about, and merrily how she danced along it.  She didn't want to upset me, I know, but she knew how I felt towards that elf.  He unnerved me greatly.  Whenever I talked to him, especially since being in the Fade, his attitude to me had changed.  I felt like I had been a puzzle to work out.  And since Adelas was born?  He had prowled around my family like we were the tastiest of morsels to be enjoyed.

"And what has he said?"  
"The reaction is due to your son, or so he believes.  Somehow there is still an active link to the Fade flowing through Adelas.  He believes the symbiosis of two children of yours, both from the Fade yet not quite from the Fade, has produced a singular connection to that place."  
"Which sparked the connection to your mark?"  
"He believes so, yes."

I let out a troubled sigh and set off walking again.  Slowly I took the steps as I thought about the implications of what he was saying.  Having a living link to the Fade would be a heavy burden for our family.  Adelas would be hunted by those who could sense the Fade.  I would hide her away and make sure that she grew up knowing how to fight.  She would have two incredible teachers in Fenris and myself.  Anxiety welled up in me but I tried to calm myself down and think rationally about this.  Education was the key.  Knowing what she was and what she would face would be paramount to her survival.  All the more reason to think well of where we were going.  It was out of the way, mostly, and the farm was hidden in the hills.  A perfect spot to raise our child.

"Is this likely to be much of a problem?  For Adelas, I mean.  Later on in her life."  
"Solas doesn't know.  That vexes him." Eleanor's voice took on a trill of impish devilment.  Solas didn't like not knowing things, especially about the Fade, and he most certainly did not like admitting his deficit.  I shared her playful teasing _in absentia_ of the man.  "He confesses that it is unheard of, yet quite fascinating.  He knows he has been improper towards your family and he apologises greatly.  He says that you have an aura about you.  When he catches the scent of it, he tells me it is almost like being in the Fade itself."

We were walking across the Upper Courtyard and passing the Herald's Rest.  It was now a firm second behind the Hanged Man.  I very much would miss the place.  Catching sight of Lace made me wince a little.  She had been a ball of bouncy sarcasm, and always good for a long conversation.  I would miss her.  She had been talking to some work colleagues from the scouting operations but when she saw the Inquisitor walk past, she looked over.  Catching my eye, she smiled.  It grieved me to know it would be the last time I would see her.  Again a sense of dejection washed over me.  I knew that Fenris and I were making the right decision but that didn't make it _easy_ as such.  Leaving a home was never easy, and awkwardly familiar.

Up the stone steps Eleanor and I walked, for the last time.  On the walkways atop the castle, I stopped and took it in for a moment.  The glorious edifice of the Great Hall looked down at me.  The windows radiated with iridescence as the setting sun picked out the coloured glass.  Warm light fell on the stone and in the late afternoon glow it looked almost magical.  With a gulp, I realised that I was sad.  I would truly miss this place that had filled my life for the past year.  People, sounds, smells, sights; all of them were the Inquisition to me.  Without anyone of the tiny cogs, the place wouldn't be the same and with that in mind, I knew that even the tiniest of details would be missed.  

With my hand on the open door, and a heart full of sorrow, I looked around the citadel for one last glance, and walked into the tower.  

"Do you really think that you could walk away from me that easily, Hawke?"

The voice that I had both dreaded hearing and longed for, echoed around the small chamber that sat underneath our bedroom.  There, sat against one of the wall, was Varric - my oldest friend.  He leant back in the chair he occupied and regarded me curiously.  Anyone who saw him would mistakenly assume that his bearing was one of arrogance and brusque irritation.  I knew differently.  It was in the way he held his fingers, or the tip of his head, but mostly - to me - it was in his eyes.  Varric pretended to be gruff and flippant, but there was a gentleman under that rough, hairy exterior.  I never knew whether he wanted me to acknowledge it or was embarrassed by it, but it was most definitely there.  And that man was hurt that I had tried to escape without talking to him.  His eyes screamed so.

"Varric ..."  
"I understand why you want to go, but not why you wouldn't tell me." he pondered as he pushed himself to his feet and set Bianca against the wall.  He walked over, unsure of himself but needing to air the emotions.  "I've been your friend for over a decade!  Not going to pretend this hasn't shaken me."  
"I didn't want to tell you." I blurted out.  
"What?"  
"How many times have we said goodbye now?  More than one is too many.  You'd have thought that once you've done it the first time, you'd be used to it.  Bollocks.  You only know what pain is coming up next as you have to watch that look in the other person's eyes.  That other person whom you have loved, hated, wept for, missed; like a brother.  I knew what that look was going to be and that's why I wanted to avoid it, because I was a coward."  
"Hawke ..."  It was now his turn to start a sentence without knowing how to finish it.  For once, Varric Tethras was without words.  
"I didn't want to see that hurt in your eyes.  I knew I would cause it and that was pain enough.  Trust me."

Varric was staring down at the floor as he listened to me try pathetically to explain why I didn't want to tell him.

"I know what it's like to miss you, Varric." I said in a low voice as I felt a lump start in my throat.  "And it's not nice."

He raised his eyes and caught my own.  For a while we just looked at each other.  I guess he was trying to figure out a way to convince me to stay but even he knew it was a futile gesture.  He could see the sense in what we were doing.  Reaching up behind his neck, without saying a word he unclasped the necklace he always wore.  It was a bulky affair but it was as much a part of him as his arrogant swagger, or Bianca.  I couldn't look at him without seeing it

"Here, take it." his deep voice said.  A deep voice, I noted, that was thick with emotion.  "You need something to remember me by."  
"And there's no chance of having Bianca?" I joked forlornly, not even considering it really.  

For a second or two, he actually looked at his beloved crossbow, as if he had actually been contemplating it.  It was one of the most heartbreaking moments I had ever shared with anyone.  In that one simple gesture, I knew exactly how much I meant to him.  He had been thinking of parting with Bianca and he had almost sewn his soul into that weapon.  Tears pricked at my eyes but I gritted my teeth and swallowed them back.  My throat ached not to cry at the sight of the man who stood before me.  A grin widened his face as he smiled to hide the sadness.

"Hawke, I love you but it's Bianca, y'know?"   
"Yeah, Varric.  I know." I smiled.

I moved forward just to hold my friend and put my warm arms around him.  I saw a genuine smile of warmth as I closed in on him and I knew this meant as much to him as it did to me.

"Anyway," I whispered in his ear as he hugged me, "you know where we're going, right?"  
"I followed you through Thedas before, my friend."

I stood up and was surprised to find my eyes wet.  Eleanor gave a polite cough to remind us she was there, and why we had come to the tower in the first place.  Fenris waited upstairs with our child, ready to leave and start a new life together.  I imagined Dorian waited with him too.  Looking to the staircase, nerves started playing with my stomach and it was wonderful.  I couldn't wait to leave and to build a new world with my husband.  It was Eleanor that broke the silence.

"Anna, are you ready?"


	48. Epilogue

_The day had been sweltering and was only now beginning to break.  As the horses trod miserably down the road in this clinging heat, I felt beads of sweat roll down my back and pool at the waistline of my trousers. It was spring and unseasonably warm.  I was returning from market and usually the midday sun claimed my trek back to the farm, but today I decided to return later and miss the worst of the sultriness.  The tavern in Lothering, new though it was, was welcoming and I had drunk a beer or two in the shades of its eves.  Most of the town had been rebuilt after the indignities and hostilities that had swept through Ferelden finally had caught up with us.  The Blight mercifully had been vanquished more than a decade ago but the politics and fighting had not allowed us to escape.  It was only now in the past few years that work had begun in earnest to rebuild our fair town._

_The late afternoon was nearing a pleasantness but still it was warm.  I would be glad to get back to the yard and get the animals into shade.  No doubt they had availed themselves of the trees in the fields.  Never let it be said that cows are stupid creatures._ _The road that I needed to drive the cart down had been following the river for about an hour now and I had to stop to allow the horses to drink.  When the road widened, I pulled over to one side, jumped down from the seat and uncoupled them from the wagon.  Immediately the animals ambled over to the flowing water.  I didn't need to worry that they would run away; they were too tired._

_As I bent down to the river to run my headscarf through the slow, cold water, I could hear the sound of laughter bouncing over the surface to me.  Looking up, I smiled to see Anna and her family playing in the river. Evidently they had found a rope swing in one of the overhanging trees and shrieks of glee rang out as Fenris swung from a branch and crashed down into the water, splashing Adelas with the welcoming coolness of the river.  I saw Anna herself with her new baby boy sitting in the shade of the tree on the banks of the river, and smiled to see the family enjoying themselves._

_It had been three years since they had come to live with me.  Fenris had proved the most loyal and brave of farmguards I had ever employed, Anna tended the vegetable gardens and the horses whilst the little one played with animals.  Adelas was a dear girl who ran in and out of the henhouse, small hands clutching fresh eggs that her mother bundled into a basket for me.  My own wife had died in the troubles that had ravaged our lands and with it, any chance of my own children.  As such, it was a small wonder that this creature with the brightest smile and loudest giggles had come with her family to live on my farm.  And now a new baby boy, Jonas, had come along as well to join them._

_Anna noticed me and waved.  It was too far away to shout and engage her in conversation so I simply allowed them to exist in their bubble.  I watched for a while as they enjoyed the afternoon sun together and when the horses had had their fill, walked them back and recoupled them to the cart.  The road didn't afford me the chance to get nearer to them to talk as it veered away from the water and back towards my farmstead.  Instead I waved at all four of them as I headed away, feeling the sun on my back and hearing their happy laughter behind me.  I would see them tomorrow and left them to their idyll._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's over. It's been a massive ride to write Hawke's story. So much has happened to her that it's been as crazy for me to write it as you to read it. A lot of you have given me masses of support along the way and I'm really grateful for all that you've said and written. I'd love to hear from you again so don't be shy! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Once again, thanks for reading and I'll see you all soon.
> 
> Mia x


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